Platonic Relationships - Can They Really Work?

[MmeIntentional]

Hi all,

I had a platonic friendship with Richard for about a year now but it ended about a month ago not to long after I started having a casual relationship with some other man (3 months now).

I never fancied Richard nor did I play games with him but I think he found it hard to accept that I was not reciprocated. He started to become jealous of the men I was dating. I sent him a couple of emails to ask what was the problem in a nice way but I had no response. I don't intend to contact him again.

I have had problems like this before with men even to a point where it became an obsession on there part, some even had girlfriends/married.
I also have a couple of male friends who are OK as they I know they will never cross the line nor will I. For me I think you can still find someone attractive and have a platonic relationship with them.

The reason platonic friendships can be difficult is genetics. For a good portion of us, attraction to the opposite sex is genetically "hardwired" into our psyche. There's no way to avoid it. We find the physical form of the opposite sex attractive, the opposite sex exudes pheromones that we find attractive, even something as simple of a member of the opposite can trigger a romantic response in us.
Add to that the fact that nothing makes a romantic relationship more successful then when the people involved are "friends first", and it's easy to see why platonic relationships can be difficult to keep strictly platonic.

What do you think have you had any problems in the past or now with a platonic relationship?

[nocturne]

Originally Posted by MmeIntentional

Hi all,

I had a platonic friendship with Richard for about a year now but it ended about a month ago not to long after I started having a casual relationship with some other man (3 months now).

I never fancied Richard nor did I play games with him but I think he found it hard to accept that I was not reciprocated. He started to become jealous of the men I was dating. I sent him a couple of emails to ask what was the problem in a nice way but I had no response. I don't intend to contact him again.

I have had problems like this before with men even to a point where it became an obsession on there part, some even had girlfriends/married.
I also have a couple of male friends who are OK as they I know they will never cross the line nor will I. For me I think you can still find someone attractive and have a platonic relationship with them.

The reason platonic friendships can be difficult is genetics. For a good portion of us, attraction to the opposite sex is genetically "hardwired" into our psyche. There's no way to avoid it. We find the physical form of the opposite sex attractive, the opposite sex exudes pheromones that we find attractive, even something as simple of a member of the opposite can trigger a romantic response in us.
Add to that the fact that nothing makes a romantic relationship more successful then when the people involved are "friends first", and it's easy to see why platonic relationships can be difficult to keep strictly platonic.

What do you think have you had any problems in the past or now with a platonic relationship?

richard might be a case of bad social skills - some men don't know how to properly indicate their romatnic intent - so they get stuck at the level of friendship.

The bottom line is that if you relate well to the opposite sex as just friends, being clear on intention is very very important. There are lots of women out there and I don't bother to hit on my FRIENDS. That's what makes the platonic relationship work, the admiration is expressed, but no one ever SLEEPS with each other or makes a move. You look somewhere ELSE for romance.

basically you're going to have to decide if the risk of romantic entanglement is worth the trouble of keeping oppsitie sex friends. only you can decide. what i like is the tenderness and sensitivity of women, you can get emotional suppoprt and love them unconditionally...WITHOUT feelings of possessiveness that might accompany someone you have romatnic feelings for. If you look for romance somewhere else, you should be fine.

[aggie]

i agree...there has to be some up front naturally flowing understanding that you both are only interested in friendship and nothing further...if other feelings get in the mix...you need to be honest with each other.

looking for romantic relationships elsewhere is a must. parts of your lives need to be separate.

of course, and i mean this in the nicest possible way...gay men can make great friends...i think they can be more objective than a straight man sometimes.

[Zas]

I'm a woman. Most my friends are men. A few of the ones I see regularly actually started interacting with me out of sexual/romantic interest. Now the closest ones are married with kids, heh.

There's a pretty wide range between purely platonic and purely romantic. I think it's a small percentage of relationships I've had that are purely platonic, if any- And the same can be said of romantic ones, heh. Actually, I think having something purely platonic is far far easier than purely romantic.

Anyway, I don't really feel a need to try and box something eternally as either platonic or romantic. There should be room to grow closer and apart as necessary and to have different focuses or highlights on a connection with someone.

If someone feels completely the opposite way than me on that, then we simply aren't a good match "romantically" OR "platonically." So there's no problem.

[Daffy Duck]

I've tried to be friends with a few women who were really interested in me and it doesn't tend to end well. They seem to become frustrated that I won't break up or cheat on my girlfriend and eventually their interest in our "friendship" dies as well. So in my experience, if a girl is romantically interested in me, then we probably won't be friends for long.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by nocturne

richard might be a case of bad social skills - some men don't know how to properly indicate their romatnic intent - so they get stuck at the level of friendship.

Yes your right because he did ask me once to spend the night with him and I said no. Also another time he saw me with a date at our local pub and walked out. He next time I saw him he told me that he couldn't face seeing me with another man. He was also making a lot more effort with his appearance too. After all that he seemed fine but I guess it all got a bit too much for him.

He also had sex with a platonic friend of his after knowing her for many years. Now he does'nt keep her as a friend because I think having sex spoilt their friendship.

I know that I am a big flirt but I never play games, flirt directly/indirectly with men that I don't fancy, attached or work with.
Things can get really nasty and creepy if you don't make things clear from the start.

Yes Daffy Duck your right there! I have had the same experience too. I feel stuck on that one.

I had two male friends who started stalking me because I would not reciprocate.

I also think that it's a bit harder to have platonic friends when your single because it looks like your available for a relationship.

[ns123]

Maybe you can be less hot, then your male friends won't want to hit on you so much?

Just kidding.

I haven't had very successful platonic friendships with males. I do have two male friends that I lunch with now and then, without my husband, but it's not often. And I make sure to let them both know that I am very happily married. It also helps that my husband has met them and knows them too, even if he doesn't join us. We write/email once in a while, but it's more like, asking about the status of each others lives.

But not good friends, not hanging out a lot. So in my own experience, with my personality, I don't have very successful platonic friendships unless it's pretty infrequent communication.

[ns123]

Oh, also, I forgot to mention, my husband started out a platonic friend. I made it clear to him that I was not interested in him romantically. I had two successive boyfriends when I was friends with my husband.

But then, I broke up the boyfriend #2... husband moved in... and now, I'm having his baby.

So close platonic friendships don't work specifically with me.

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by MmeIntentional

I have had problems like this before with men even to a point where it became an obsession on there part, some even had girlfriends/married.
I also have a couple of male friends who are OK as they I know they will never cross the line nor will I. For me I think you can still find someone attractive and have a platonic relationship with them.

I have a good friend who is a "gatherer of men," so to speak. She is pretty and has alway had lots of men friends. It's a power trip that reads like this. "I know you would be with me if you could be, but you can't be, so long for me privately, It's great for my ego!"

Any of that going on?

[MmeIntentional]

[QUOTE=drakecatz;376197]

I have a good friend who is a "gatherer of men," so to speak. She is pretty and has alway had lots of men friends. It's a power trip that reads like this. "I know you would be with me if you could be, but you can't be, so long for me privately, It's great for my ego!"

Any of that going on?

I know what you mean but, NOT at all! I don't c**k tease, sorry to put it blunt. Nor do I feel the need to see how far I can take it. I don't find any of these men attractive, not one bit.

There was one man that I did find attractive and we both hit it off and had a full on relationship that started of as a bit of fun. We both made it clear that we liked each other from day one. That was about 2 years ago now.

I also don't feel any need for an ego boost. I am attractive, sexy but really nothing special. I am a bit of a tomboy and feel that when I go out I can talk to people with ease. I sometimes check myself to see if I could be giving out the wrong signals but I know I don't. I can even have a chat with a man with his girlfriend next to him without her feeling threatened. In cases like this that I've been in, I end up being friends with the girl anyway.

Originally Posted by ns123

Maybe you can be less hot, then your male friends won't want to hit on you so much?

Just kidding.

Yep I tried that too. I even wear my house clothes (T- shirt and jogging bottoms) down to my local pub so they won't start gossiping. That still does't work I normally take pride in my appearance and I don't see why I should change. I have stopped going to my local pub because they are just hypocritical and negative. Also one of my ex bf still goes to the same pub and recently asked my to sleep with him and I said no. He was a real bad playboy having sex with loads of men and women while he was with me.

I need to make more new friends but I live in a small town and find it hard to meet likewise people.

I am also seeing a man at the moment it's not a boyfriend but we are "friends with benefits" just sex. When we first met each other we were attracted to each other and made it clear that have feelings for each other but it's just sexual. (even if I think we act like boyfriend and girlfriend) We are both happy with that but for now.... However the male friends that I did hang out with hate the idea of me sleeping with someone else. Funny that when most of them have gf's.

ns123 congratulations on your pregnancy!!!

[drakecatz]

Well, if you are not doing anything but being yourself, just continue as you. It's their problem. Maybe they feel protective. My friend is a bit of a tomboy too. So am I.

ns123 DITTO!! congrats on the coming baby!!!! You are one of my favorite posters, I learn a lot from you. I'm sure you'll make a great Mom! Wise women do!

I loved being pregnant! People always smile at you!

[nocturne]

OK actually now you are giving us contradicting evidence. You said that I am right that he had bad social skills and never made his romantic intent clear...yet he did ask you to come over.
You also said that he didn't like that you didn't reciprocate with him...and that you never played games, but you are a big flirt. which one is it?

I've had experiences when girls would flirt at me to make my friend jealous - this was misleading to me. While she didn't mean any harm, giving the number out is going a little too far. I think you shouldn't flirt with guys you're not interested in at all, period. She and my friend eventually got together...but all that probably wasn't neccessary. If you are just a little attracted to them, and its honest, then thats ok.

If she had a serious boyfriend since i met her, that would be ok to be her friend, since she is off limits anyway. But If I was truly interested in a girl, i would outright reject the idea of being her friend. A self respecting man doesn't allow women to lead them on.

Maybe you do not have an ego problem - maybe your problem is that you're just too much of a flirt.
Whether you do it for fun or for ego - you need to excercise a lot of self control or else you might find guys become interested in you.

if a man shows romantic interest, either reciprocate or make it clear that you're not interested in him. If you do nothing, he might presume you are sending mixed signals, which si common for women when they meet someone they like - and then he will try again later. And if you are not interested in him romatnically - do him a huge favor and DO NOT be his friend.

my platonic friends are based on a clear expectation that we are just not going down that path.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by nocturne

OK actually now you are giving us contradicting evidence. You said that I am right that he had bad social skills and never made his romantic intent clear...yet he did ask you to come over. You also said that he didn't like that you didn't reciprocate with him...and that you never played games, but you are a big flirt. which one is it?
.

nocturne, you have it all wrong sorry.

You make it sound like I am asking for it, loose or flirting unconsciously. Yes I am a flirt BUT ONLY if I want something from the guy. I know how to control myself and set my boundaries I always make it clear but they sometimes don't. I don't see what I am doing wrong if I make it clear to them that don't want anything, even if they change their mind later down the road. I don't see the point of flirting with someone I don't want anything from them, that's sad. Just because I say that I am a big flirt this does not mean that I flirt with every single man that I clap eyes on or flirt all the time. I do have a sense of what is appropriate and what is not. I am fully aware when I flirt directly or indirectly and I don't go on autopilot.

You say
.[/QUOTE]
And if you are not interested in him romatnically - do him a huge favor and DO NOT be his friend..[/QUOTE]

This is just like saying if I don't find the guy romantically interesting or attractive don't be his friend because he will expect sex or that I will be sending out wrong messages, so just have ugly or unattractive male friends and limit my conversation, have gay, have females friends. What should I do get a dog?

As I mentioned before I can have friends that I am attracted to but do nothing about it because one of us is not available. This means that I can have a platonic relationship with them. No flirting nothing just friendship.

I have a attractive male friend who I will never sleep with etc. I know he feels the same about me too because he has told me. He always pays me nice compliments. He is not hitting on me one bit nor do I give him mixed messages. For us our friendship is OK because we both have an understanding that things will never workout if we cross the line. I don't see anything wrong in that. Also an old gay (100% gay not Bi) friend told me that I would be the only woman that he would have sex with. However I knew that that was never going to happen. I just took that as a compliment.

And no just to set the record straight I don't go around looking for compliments, constantly flirting. I don't need to, even if I am getting a little porky these days I really don't crave or seek attention or have any insecurities that I need some kind of validation from any man.

Also what about platonic friendships that changes like ns123? For me it sounds like it was mutual and they both wanted a relationship with each other which is worked out.

I am currently in a situation that is changing. It started of as just a sexual relationship (freinds with benefits) but now we have grown closer over time....Anyway this one is for another thread.

[votoshka]

It seems to me that platonic relationships are definitely possible, but generally only when there is no physical/sexual attraction involved.

Now, I figure that I am not attracted to every man I meet (far from it, in fact!) and most men I meet are not attracted to me either, so it's definitely possible that out of all the men out there there are plenty I can be friends with!

Maybe it is harder if you are a physically attractive person!!

But honestly, most men I meet I find it easy to be friendly with, and they don't reciprocate by falling for me and vice versa!

[nocturne]

Hmm, to be clear i'm not saying you're doing any of those things. I'm not saying you're loose or that you flirt with every single guy. I'm just pointing out that what you say is contradictory.

I think its only appropriate to flirt if you are interested in fun, or the other person. Its not appropriate to flirt to say, get a free drink or if you have another want. (again, i'm not accusing you of doing this) That is manipulative.

---
No, its not just like saying that. Its ONLY if he has a significant crush on you. I'm not saying that the guy will expect sex or that you will be sending out wrong messages. The purpose of not being a guy's friend if he has a huge crush on you is to show him empathy. Imagine being around someone you have a huge crush on but not being to obtain this person. First, you could make other friends, second, you're not in a situation where you are constantly reminded of how wonderful this person is. Maybe YOU have made your boundaries clear, but what if this guy has emotions? He might continue to try. For example, Richard.

You could have attractive male friends, gay friends, female friends, a dog, a cat, etc. As long as they are don't have a serious crush on you. You could argue that Richard is responsible for his actions, not you, but you still have some ability to save him trouble by cutting off communication with him in the first place.

Again I also have platonic friends with girls who are quite attractive but it is not a problem. However, I don't have a huge crush on them. It is tough to measure but if a guy likes you a lot, you might be saving him heartache by NOT being his friend.

If I truly like a girl I will reject her offer of friendship should she not like me the same way in return. I have female friends, male friends, etc. There is no need to be a friend with someone I know I'm not truly interested in being just friends with.
-----
from what you have said, it appears that you continue to keep friends that you know are very attracted to you...correct me if i'm worng, but that might be your problem.

I think that is a case where platonic relationships are NOT possible.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by nocturne

Hmm, to be clear i'm not saying you're doing any of those things. I'm not saying you're loose or that you flirt with every single guy. I'm just pointing out that what you say is contradictory.

Hi nocturne,

OK OK I hear what you are saying BUT
Can you tell me please what is contradictory in what I say?
If i don't fancy anyone I don't flirt with them end. I have stated this many times in my post esp in my last post.

I have No contact with Richard. And as for the other men who like me, I know nothing will ever happen. We have respect for each other. You know ...you can look but don't touch! For the guys that I find attractive well for sure I am having sex with him LOL .....Just one guy to set the record straight, I only need one.

However If I like a guy because of who he is as a person I will not cut him off if he fancies me. Just as long as he/we respects the friendship there is nothing wrong. I don't see what the problem is.

I have had male friends who don't find me attractive but I was still their friend. It's no big deal to me if I fancy them or if they fancy we are just friends. However if I find him creepy and things start to go wrong to the point of obsession off course I will end it.

For some reason I get the impression that you are saying (I could be wrong) that if I am wearing a short dress for e.g you would say just make your dress a couple inches longer because I will attract men and that is not right. F*** that I wear what i want! FYI I wan wearing a max dress (a dress that goes all the way down to the floor) and i still get men hitting in me. And trust me I am nothing special. I can blend in as a part of the wall paper.

You also say Quote
You could argue that Richard is responsible for his actions, not you, but you still have some ability to save him trouble by cutting off communication with him in the first place.

i am not mother Theresa. If i am not reciprocating, not flirting, sending out mixed messages etc. This is not my job. F*** that! Why should I save any one trouble if they like me?

I have already gone down my local pub with my sweaty jogging bottoms and T-shirt many times. and I don't see why I should of done that in the first place. I even shaved off my hair at one point (not because of men) I can not control every mans emotions. I don't bring any of this on myself

I have also done 6-7 years of celibacy (through choice) two years ago and still had the same problems.

I won't even bother to tell you about the story with my Dentist and GP..You will just pi** yourself laughing or my Ménage à trois
AND oh lord you must of read about the 24 year old virgin that i F****** i am just joking even if it's true.

BTW I can by my own drinks infact I aways do!

[nocturne]

Originally Posted by MmeIntentional

Hi nocturne,

OK OK I hear what you are saying BUT
Can you tell me please what is contradictory in what I say?
If i don't fancy anyone I don't flirt with them end. I have stated this many times in my post esp in my last post.

I have No contact with Richard. And as for the other men who like me, I know nothing will ever happen. We have respect for each other. You know ...you can look but don't touch! For the guys that I find attractive well for sure I am having sex with him LOL .....Just one guy to set the record straight, I only need one.

However If I like a guy because of who he is as a person I will not cut him off if he fancies me. Just as long as he/we respects the friendship there is nothing wrong. I don't see what the problem is.

I have had male friends who don't find me attractive but I was still their friend. It's no big deal to me if I fancy them or if they fancy we are just friends. However if I find him creepy and things start to go wrong to the point of obsession off course I will end it.

For some reason I get the impression that you are saying (I could be wrong) that if I am wearing a short dress for e.g you would say just make your dress a couple inches longer because I will attract men and that is not right. F*** that I wear what i want! FYI I wan wearing a max dress (a dress that goes all the way down to the floor) and i still get men hitting in me. And trust me I am nothing special. I can blend in as a part of the wall paper.

I have already gone down my local pub with my sweaty jogging bottoms and T-shirt many times. and I don't see why I should of done that in the first place. I even shaved off my hair at one point (not because of men) I can not control every mans emotions. I don't bring any of this on myself

I have also done 6-7 years of celibacy (through choice) two years ago and still had the same problems.

I won't even bother to tell you about the story with my Dentist and GP..You will just pi** yourself laughing or my Ménage à trois
AND oh lord you must of read about the 24 year old virgin that i F****** i am just joking even if it's true.

BTW I can by my own drinks infact I aways do!

hmm, mme, i'm not insulting you, just to make sure you know that. sorry if i gave the wrong impression. I'm just trying to become more clear what is going on here. I get the sense you feel insulted by your word choice and tone.

Perhaps i was confused by your statement: "I know that I am a big flirt but I never play games.." If you try your best to never mislead a guy then we are on the same page.

You said you have no contact with richard yet you did maintain a friendship with him after you found out he liked you? I am a little dismayed by your statment that you don't see what the problem is. The problem is that a situation where there is a high level of attraction doesn't lend itself to a friendship easily. My opinion is that these things don't work as friendships because one side might have a lot of emotions. Its up to you to decide if you agree with this, i'm not forcing anything on you.

I have never said anything about the way you dress. that is your right. However, if you flirt with a guy, especially if it is clear and direct (for example, calling him sexy), you still have a part in arousing his emotions.

p.s. I see you have edited your post

F*** that! Why should I save any one trouble if they like me?

because of empathy - or as steve calls it, oneness. if you have ever been hurt in love before you should see someone else's humanity and save them emotional trouble if you could. A true friend would act in the best interest of their friend...even if it meant cutting the friendship off.

i'm not saying you are responsible for what he does...i'm just saying that as a friend you could be helpful.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by nocturne

hmm, mme, i'm not insulting you, just to make sure you know that. sorry if i gave the wrong impression. I'm just trying to become more clear what is going on here. I get the sense you feel insulted by your word choice and tone.

Perhaps i was confused by your statement: "I know that I am a big flirt but I never play games.." If you try your best to never mislead a guy then we are on the same page.

No not at all I must admit I have a problem writing due to my dyslexia (no excuse) and will come across the wrong way sometimes. BUT I am just repeating what I have said many times.

No your right I never said you said anything about my dress but it was just an example of the way I feel you see my situation. I could be wrong on that. If I am I am sorry.

Yes you was confused by my statement but that could be just down to me again with my writing.... I am a flirt, even a pervert but I don't mislead any man that I am not attracted to....Thats just crule & evil!

However if you wanted to disagree with that's OK too because i posted my thought on hear to get views on my situation and sometime one could be blind. Even if I know I am not LOL

Thanks for your imput! I will now focus on the man that I have some little feeling for. I don't care if he rejects me down the line but I just have to be honest with myself and to him. I need to learn about the law of detachment on this one.

Hope to see you around

[nocturne]

if you figure out hte law of detachment please write an article cause i could use that lol

[bluedragon]

For me, platonic relationships definitely do work. I kept in touch with almost all of my girlfriends. Attraction may be hardwired, but we are capable of channeling sexual desire into creativity if we learn how. Plus that not every man has such a libido to desire every woman in his life, especially if he already has a relationship with someone else.

The very reason I remained "just friends" with some girls was that I wasn't attracted to them enough to make a move, and they felt awkward and decided it's best if we stick to friendship while they search for other, more "goal-oriented" men. I had no problem with that (after a few days in which I did)

[James81]

For all the women who read this, consider this a public service announcement:

85-90% of your "guy friends" are pretty much just orbiters who want more than friendship with you. That's not to say that you CAN'T have guys who are friends who don't want you like that, it's just not as common as you might think it is.

That being said, you ladies are a pretty perceptive lot. You *should* be able to tell the difference between a guy who obviously likes you more than a friend and a guy who is REALLY just seeking friendship with you. Save yourself a lot of hassle by removing these guy friends who are really just wanting more from your life, or at the very least, calling them on it to see where they stand.

Really. I mean, a guy friend who wants more with you probably isn't good friendship material anyway. First of all, if he's hiding his true intentions, he isn't being very honest with you. Secondly, these guys will create issues with you and the guys you are actually dating.

I say, go for a pre-emptive strike on these guys. I know it's hard to reject that kind of attention, but in the end the hassle isn't worth the benefits of this type of dynamic.

BTW, I'm not putting the "blame" on you as women. These guys are really just wusses (for lack of a better word), who should respect themselves more than to chase after a woman they can't have or hide their true feelings.

[nocturne]

Originally Posted by James81

For all the women who read this, consider this a public service announcement:

85-90% of your "guy friends" are pretty much just orbiters who want more than friendship with you. That's not to say that you CAN'T have guys who are friends who don't want you like that, it's just not as common as you might think it is.

BTW, I'm not putting the "blame" on you as women. These guys are really just wusses (for lack of a better word), who should respect themselves more than to chase after a woman they can't have or hide their true feelings.

I concur...if you really like a girl either see if she likes you back, and if she doesn't get out of that situation.

Being friensd with a girl you know you seriously like (i'm not talking about merely thinking she is sort of cute) is like having bad furniture or possessions you don't really want (see steves new post); it just reconfirms day after day you don't got waht it takes to get what you really want. Grab your balls and find what you really want...somewhere else.

[pjhaggerty]

Just out of curiousity, why do you feel that it is better to have platonic friends than the non platonic type? if you are both attracted to each other, why not move it up a level? on the other hand, if you both get unattracted why not move it down a level?

You can be really close with someone emotionally, and therefore be a platonic friend, and never get physical. But, that is hard to maintain long term, because friendship emotions and romantic emotions are so close, especially if you are both physically attracted to each other.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by pjhaggerty

Just out of curiousity, why do you feel that it is better to have platonic friends than the non platonic type? if you are both attracted to each other, why not move it up a level? on the other hand, if you both get unattracted why not move it down a level?

Hi

Is this question for me? if it is I'm not sure if you read my post.
I only have platonic friends if I am or they with someone else, they don't fancy me or if I don't find them attractive. Also sometimes I feel no need to be in a relationship with a man but just want to be platonic friends.

[Annemarie]

Originally Posted by MmeIntentional

What do you think have you had any problems in the past or now with a platonic relationship?

Platonic relationships, to the point of close friendship, do not usually work. You can safely take that "usually" and replace it with 90% or more. The closer you get to a person, the more it is likely to attach yourself, if the initial reaction to that person was not an unpleasant one - in that case, it only goes straight down.

A platonic relationship would have a chance of working only if there was 0 chemistry between the parties. As in null, zero, void, nada, niente. That is a bit hard to achieve. And, I'll repet myself here , the more time you spend with a person, to more you'll like that person. He or she would have to be really skilled in tempering the events so that you both keep a straight line in this platonic relationship of yours.

[MetaFitX]

Originally Posted by James81

For all the women who read this, consider this a public service announcement:

85-90% of your "guy friends" are pretty much just orbiters who want more than friendship with you. That's not to say that you CAN'T have guys who are friends who don't want you like that, it's just not as common as you might think it is.

That being said, you ladies are a pretty perceptive lot. You *should* be able to tell the difference between a guy who obviously likes you more than a friend and a guy who is REALLY just seeking friendship with you. Save yourself a lot of hassle by removing these guy friends who are really just wanting more from your life, or at the very least, calling them on it to see where they stand.

Really. I mean, a guy friend who wants more with you probably isn't good friendship material anyway. First of all, if he's hiding his true intentions, he isn't being very honest with you. Secondly, these guys will create issues with you and the guys you are actually dating.

I say, go for a pre-emptive strike on these guys. I know it's hard to reject that kind of attention, but in the end the hassle isn't worth the benefits of this type of dynamic.

BTW, I'm not putting the "blame" on you as women. These guys are really just wusses (for lack of a better word), who should respect themselves more than to chase after a woman they can't have or hide their true feelings.

Great advice. You hit it on the head.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by MetaFitX

Great advice. You hit it on the head.

Huuummmm I don't totally agree but I take your point. Sometimes I had working professional relationships or these men are friends of an bf or gf or something. Some times it's not as simple of just cutting them off.

e.g I was best friends with a female and her bf liked me, however I had no idea until 10 years later. He never came on to me or hinted in anyway that he like me so it was impossible to be sure that he wanted something more from me. The only time I noticed was when I was moving to another country with my new bf. He didn't like it one bit! i felt that there was nothing I could do but to move on and let the friendship with this couple fizzle out.

BTW I spoke to Richard the guy in question, I was on the phone to another mutual platonic friend and he passed the phone to Richard because he wanted to speak to me. I was very cold, he wished me a happy birthday which passed almost two weeks now. So I didn't care, he talked for a few mins but I didn't respond much. I know that he is too coward to call me but if he sends me an email or sms I will not respond. However if I see him with mutual friends I will just say hello but not get into conversation.

Going back to what you said about cutting of guy's who want something. in future if I get little hints that a guy likes me and is sniffing around waiting, I will just cut them off.

[Kwatcha]

Hi,

I'm female and have found that platonic relationships haven't really worked for me. Single men, if they're attracted want something more and even married men, who may be partners of my female friends, cannot hide the fact that they are attracted to me. This makes things difficult and I therefore would avoid certain situations that could worsen the situation.

I am on the brink of a new relationship with a lovely caring guy who says he has platonic relationships with other women. Now I can see why others, men and women, would want to be around this guy. Given my experience todate ( I'm no spring chicken!) and that he told me that in the past that he had a brief relationship with one of his female friends but it didn't work out, I obviously wondering about him crossing the line again.

He and this female are now just platonic once again.

My thoughts are that there should be boundaries for every relationship. If they've become blurred once then it can easily happen again!

Whilst we, they, may set out to be completely platonic I think that it is just a matter of time before circumstances change for one or both parties and the line is crossed. Like; she splits with her regular bf and mr platonic offers his shoulder and one thing leads to another! And or one of them gets promotion, celebrates, he, or she, has one too many and ends up confessing all!

I must say at this point though, I am not a possessive or jealous person. But as they say..once bitten twice shy! Sooo I'm in a bit of a quandary and would like your views please

[Clint Cora]

I have many platonic friends with women. Many of them I met when they were single and several of them are now married with children but to this date, still remain good friends.

I do have to admit that the odd one didn't work out. A few women were not satisfied with just being friends and these were ones I wouldn't have wanted to have a romantic relationship with anyway. Such women left the scene fairly quickly and I doubt these are women who are even capable of having platonic friendships. The reason why I say this is because to my knowledge, they don't have any male friends.

So it is possible but not for all - and this goes for both women and men.

[wstein]

For me attraction does affect interacting with platonic relationships but not much. I have dated women who were dating other men and women without getting jealous or freaky. I have also backed off several month relationships to become long term friends.

When I was young, I thought these issues of jealousy and ‘territorialism’ were about those wanting a relationship (or relationship backup). After all it’s not hard to imagine the possible feelings of a new girlfriend towards an old one or a female platonic friend or the last girlfriend towards the new one. But then I had a girlfriend that turned into a platonic friend after about a year of dating. Being aware of the possible issues, I kept an eye out for possible problems when I started dating another woman. The was no problem, nor was there any problem with the next two. During this time my platonic friend continued to be close. Then on the fourth one some 4 years later both the new girlfriend and the platonic one started complaining loudly that the other was attacking them energetically. It was doubly odd as they lived 800 miles apart and never met. That romantic relationship only lasted a few months. I was able to go into depth with my platonic friend about her feelings. She insisted that she had no jealous feelings and that she had no intellectual reason I should not be with the other woman. In fact she was quite embarrassed to be acting this way as there seemed to be no reason for it. She said I should not be too alarmed and should feel free to continue dating as long as the other woman stopped attacking her energetically. As those who know me, I am very skilled and sensitive to energy. I am 90% sure that neither was attacking the other. She is still my close platonic friend and I have since dated other women. There have been no other problems.