Are you and your partner growing together or apart?

[Andy4]

I believe that really good relationships take a lot of hard work.

We are attracted to our partners for a variety of reasons.

Some of the relationships I have been in have got stronger with time, others have got weaker.

I would like to think that I am now a lot more appreciative to my partners needs. Most men are less mature than women but hopefully I've now come of age.

I believe my partner and I are getting stronger, I am really trying because I have really messed up with past relationships but I am a guy and I like to do guy things.

But now first and foremost I am a husband and stepfather.

Do you feel you're relationship is getting stronger, and do you feel that you're with the right person?

[cerenurt]

I think my partner and I are growing apart. Actually, I should say that I am growing apart from him.

I agree that relationships take work but I'm not so sure it needs to be "hard" work. I guess it depends on the situation and how difficult it feels to the individual doing the work.

I don't feel like our relationship is getting stronger as a romantic couple, even though we do have a strong bond and great communication skills.

I also think that he was the right person for me at the time we met, but now I'm realizing that our lifestyles aren't compatible enough. I want more adventure, life experiences, travel, enthusiasm for what life has to offer, etc. He is not so much for exploring or having different experiences, and is happy not doing much and staying home all day.

For a long time I tried to convince myself that what he does shouldn't have any impact on what I want to do and my lifestyle. But I've recently realized that I really need someone who can at least share that same level of enthusiasm and willingness to explore what life has to offer, even if he doesn't participate in all the things I want to do.

My current partner's lack of sense of adventure permeates every aspect of our relationship. Believe me, this is not a good thing, especially in particular areas that I want, uh...satisfied. I've tried working on it with him, and he seems unable or unwilling to try.

It's funny because I recently found out that he thinks relationships should be easy, which really surprised me. I told him that no relationship is easy and that we are meant to grow through discussing and resolving any issues that come up in a relationship. Maybe that's why I don't want to stay anymore. Things are so stagnant and stale. And living with him feels too safe and sterile.

Even if he has finally learned by now that he should put more effort into working on our relationship, I'm tired of waiting and don't feel like trying anymore. I think it's too late. And I'm fine with that.

[Angela]

Together. We're celebrating Interdependence Day today.

I hope saying so isn't like appearing as a bride on the cover of In Style Weddings, which is the kiss of death for romance.

[Danyelle]

My partner and I are definitely growing together. We've been together 8 years.
I don't believe it takes hard work to have a "really good" relationship. I think it just takes slight effort. If you are best friends, love each other wholly, respect each other wholly, and both have the desire to have the best relationship possible... it's a lot easier than people make it out to be.

[Andy4]

Hi cerenurt,

Sorry to hear about you and you're partner.

I have been there and if I had the time again I would've finished it a full 4 years earlier. all that wasted time, a shame for both of us. we grew apart but when you are with someone 24/7 you don't notice the changes as quickly.

Romance and intimacy are key. Once those go I would recommend moving on no matter how difficult it seems at the time. The relief and sense of wellbeing is amazing.

I read you're post in full and I'm now re-reading it one paragraph at a time. You need to move on and get with someone who shares the same interests as you NOW.

MY first wife sounds similar to you're guy.

Now my wife and I do everything together. In the last couple of years we've been to Vegas, stayed in Dubai at the worlds's only 7star hotel, bought a second home in the country, seen the pyramids. The list is endless. we are happy.

Don't go for safe and sterile you will sufficate or even worse wake up one day and realize that you're best years are behind you.

I feel real empathy for you but believe me you will come through this, I did.

Don't hesitate to contact me again.

Hi Angela,

Not sure what interdependence day is?

I know independence day is 4th of July. Congratulations. Hope celebrations and parties were good.

I presume in style weddings is like our hello/O.K magazines?

I'm surprised you believe in superstition.

If marriage is what you want I'm sure you'd make a fantastic bride. I'd love to see the pics by the way. Take care.

Hi Danyelle,

I think I slightly mis-phrased the post when I said relationships take a lot of 'HARD WORK'.

It was 1.15 on Saturday morning and I'd been up since 5am the previous day. But hey, I'm not complaining.

However, I'm glad you're relationship is easy. Life is a lot easier than people make out.

As you say being best friends, LOVE and respect are vital.

Nice post.

Regards, Andy.

[cerenurt]

Originally Posted by Andy4

Hi cerenurt,

Sorry to hear about you and you're partner.

I have been there and if I had the time again I would've finished it a full 4 years earlier. all that wasted time, a shame for both of us. we grew apart but when you are with someone 24/7 you don't notice the changes as quickly.

Romance and intimacy are key. Once those go I would recommend moving on no matter how difficult it seems at the time. The relief and sense of wellbeing is amazing.

I read you're post in full and I'm now re-reading it one paragraph at a time. You need to move on and get with someone who shares the same interests as you NOW.

MY first wife sounds similar to you're guy.

Now my wife and I do everything together. In the last couple of years we've been to Vegas, stayed in Dubai at the worlds's only 7star hotel, bought a second home in the country, seen the pyramids. The list is endless. we are happy.

Don't go for safe and sterile you will sufficate or even worse wake up one day and realize that you're best years are behind you.

I feel real empathy for you but believe me you will come through this, I did.

Don't hesitate to contact me again.

Thanks for the encouragement Andy4. Thankfully it hasn't been 4 years, just 1 and 1/2...enough for us to both enjoy and grow from the relationship and not long enough to feel like it was wasted. I already feel relief from deciding not to bother trying anymore! I know I'd be happier being single at this point.

[scents2]

Hi I believe my partner and I am growing apart. We have 2 different views on many things. One that is important is the difference between making love and sex. He views sex as making love which is just the act which he uses internet porn to get aroused. I view sex as objectifying the person for your own gain. As far as im concerned we have never made love. He sees making love as having sex with the one you love. Not as catering to your partners needs and desires. Its caused a huge rift for me. He doesnt see a problem and still hunts out internet porn when im not around.

[scents2]

Oh whoops i made a mistake I dont view porn as objectifying....I meant that he does sorry. Im stressed out today

[ns123]

I think many long term relationships has it's ebbs and flows. There was a time when I felt I was growing apart from my man... but right now, I feel we are growing together, stronger and stronger.

I think of relationships as a garden. If you neglect it, you can grow apart. But if you nurture it, it can be beautiful. For some people, gardening is easy, for others, it's really hard. It all depends on the conditions of your garden.

I am a strong believer in creating conditions that make success easy. So when I feel disconnected from my partner, we both make sure to do something to connect again. What connects you to your partner is different for everyone.

Either way, anything worth anything in this world takes effort. And effort, like Angela has said before, is 100%. I put in 100% he puts in 100%. It's not so hard to do when you've set up your life to support this.

[ns123]

Originally Posted by cerenurt

I recently found out that he thinks relationships should be easy, which really surprised me. I told him that no relationship is easy and that we are meant to grow through discussing and resolving any issues that come up in a relationship.

I agree with the both of you. Your relationship with him is not easy. And he thinks relationships should be easy, meaning, if there are differences, you just defer to his preferences.

It seems like you two are not a good match. If you were with some one who shared the same zest for life, it would be easier. So I applaud you for recognizing this and remedying it.

You both deserve to be with the kind of person that will help you build the relationship you want... and it takes strength and courage to realize, sometimes, that's not each other.

[Andy4]

Hi cerenurt,

Glad you are feeling better and relieved about deciding not to try anymore in you're relationship. All I would say though is that feeling like you want to end a relationship and actually doing it are two totally different things.

We stay with unsuitable partners longer than we should for a whole host of reasons. Sometimes we decide to make an even bigger commitment to them instead of doing the sensible thing and getting out of it.

You sound like you've made you're mind up. If I were in you're position I would now end it as quickly and cleanly as possible. Take care and good luck.

Hi scents2,

I'm not going to play all 'holier than thou' on the subject of porn. It as it's place and I like most men have used it and enjoyed it.

But if you're partner treats you just like a sex object or makes you feel anything less than the most beautiful woman on this planet, then bin him.

Also if you have different views on many things then life together will never be easy, especially as the relationship goes on. There are literally millions of people out there. I'm sure you will find someone that'll make you feel like a princess. You owe it to yourself not to settle for second best.

Exactly ns123,

I stayed with my previous partner as long as I did to try and salvage the relationship. As you say, in you're case you've come through a couple of rocky patches and now you and you're partner are reeping the benefit for sticking it out.

Gardening is a good analogy, I'm now re-married and at times we fight like cat and dog, we have very similar tempraments but I now feel like my wife is my genuine soulmate whereas as much as I loved my previous partner, I never felt like that about her. I just wish we'd both called it a day a bit earlier for both our sakes. I would never criticise her though because she was and still is a great woman. Just not my life-partner, that's all.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years now and we still tell each other that we love one another every single day. She is my best friend and our relationship is definitely getting stronger.

Regards, Andy.