Doesn't feel like I know my GF

[ZenFender]

We've been together for about a year, and everything on the surface is great (I'm crazy about her, she's crazy about me, no arguments, etc.).

But I can't help but feel like I don't really know who my GF truly is...its hard to put my finger on it, but I'll try.

She's always been more on the quiet side, and it took her a while to "warm up" to me. But even then, I feel like she isn't TRULY 100% being herself and opening herself up to me. It always feels as if she "keeps her doors shut" to protect herself. Now, this isn't some blatantly obvious thing where she doesn't talk to me, or doesn't tell me how she feels etc, but its more of a...deeper connection sorta thing. Its just something I feel in my heart- a sense that on the surface level, I know who my GF is, but on another level, I have no f*ckin clue who I'm dating. Sometimes, I get the feeling that she's holding something back, or not telling me something very important.

I'm not sure if this is because she's not opening herself up properly, or because I have unrealistic expectations, or all this stuff is just a figment of my imagination. On occasions, she would even TELL me that she's a very closed person.

So I guess my question is, are my expectations realistic? Am I imagining things? And if I AM realistic and not imagining things, what can I do to open her up emotionally?

Thx guys!

[Andrew Brunelle]

Talk to her about it. Let her know it's okay if she opens up to you. Tell her that she can trust you. Honor that trust. Live happily ever after.

[marktb]

demand that she talk to you and open up. Be patient with it but be bold in your wants. Open communication is crucial in my relationships. If they are closed whatsoever and refuse to grow and try to be communicative, I simply will say good-bye and good luck. That may seem harsh but if you want a fulfilling, LONG-TERM relationship open communcition about everythign is crucial.

Mark Baldwin

[Angela]

Originally Posted by marktb

demand that she talk to you and open up.

Funny thing about trust -- it doesn't tend to show up on demand. It's frustrating when you don't feel connected to your partner -- it can make you feel powerless and insecure. I agree that you should be open with her, and I feel it might be effective to let her know what you are feeling: powerless, insecure, or whatever else it is, being careful that she knows those are YOUR feelings and she's not responsible for them. Let her know how much you care about her, and how you'd love to take the connection between you deeper, then allow her to take her time in responding.

One more thing: are you taking 100% responsibility for the relationship? Are you looking at yourself to see what you might be doing (or thinking or feeling) that might be creating for her a feeling of being unsafe or pressured? Do you have some unexplored trust issues yourself? It might be valuable for you both to see if and how you're mirroring each other.

[marktb]

Angela, great points. Relationships are basically a mirror of ourselves. Are you being 100% honest and open, etc. I have learned this point the hard, hard way. If you expect someone to be a certain way, you better be damn sure you are EXACTLY projecting what you desire.

Mark

[StarFish]

I don't know your girlfriend, but speaking for my self personally, I'm not always one to think to open up. I've been in relationships were the guy would tell me he didn't feel like he knew me, and I was like "well what do you want to know? ask away"

If she's already told you she's a closed person, she maybe like me, and just not think to open up and tell you things. So if you want to know something, try asking first.

[ZenFender]

The problem is, it's not something where I can just ASK her about...I KNOW enough about her (her favourite things, what she wants to do, her passions, etc.)

It's on a deeper level that I feel we're no connecting. It's almost like if she dissapeared tommorow, the pain will only be on the surface- there will be no deeper...(for a lack of a better word) spiritual pain.

"One more thing: are you taking 100% responsibility for the relationship? Are you looking at yourself to see what you might be doing (or thinking or feeling) that might be creating for her a feeling of being unsafe or pressured? Do you have some unexplored trust issues yourself? It might be valuable for you both to see if and how you're mirroring each other." -Angela

That's one freakin' great point there angela. I don't think I'm pressuring her or making her feel unsafe in any way, but I think its more to do with fear of getting hurt- both of us. For a long time, I kept myself closed, and waited for the other person (my GF) to open up first. But that was a while back, and I've since taken the initiative and opened up first- and she has mirrored this as well, and has subsequently opened up herself more.

I think this is as much my "fault" as it is hers. Maybe you guys are right- I'm not opening MYSELF enough, and I'm not representing myself truly 100% either...but it all goes back down to my fear of getting hurt. How the hell do you "cure" something like that?!?!

[Mike0149]

Google "1000 questions for couples" for resources on getting to know your partner. And feeling uncomfortable yourself at times in the process

[scotthegeek]

when people try to get me open up or I open up it usually makes thinks worse it has even happen a few times on here its best to keep things to yourself if the other person cant do anything to help or change things. If everything is working in present and things are good let her come to you. Be compassionate. I think your focusing too much on what you want than what she needs.

Scott

[christianyethboth]

Personally, I would take her for long walks to somewhere quiet, peaceful and beautiful, for example, a beach or hillside overlooking the sea or distant scenery etc and sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her in getting to know her personality and past. People that feel very relaxed and at peace within a beautiful environment tend to open up alot more and feel alot more trusting to the person they are with.

[TiffyLove]

It may be true that she is holding back and this isn't necessarily a bad thing.

There can be two very different things at play here:

1. Is that you may have some situations in your past or childhood that caused you to feel these feelings of someone holding back or not showing you who they are 100%.

2. She may be holding back and have something in her past that makes her very cautious or scared to be completely vulnerable with someone. She may be scared to get hurt, etc....

Most likely its a combination of both. However, the solution is not within her its within you. If you heal whatever is inside of you that is causing you to focus on these negatives and then you choose to focus on the things about the relationship that you love and would like to experience more often then the change in you will cause a change in your relationship and how she relates to you.

My suggestion is to attempt to start focusing more on yourself while enjoying the relationship rather than what she is doing that you don't like. Most of the time we project our fears and beliefs onto other people.

This relationship can be amazing for you!

[GeorgePH]

Originally Posted by ZenFender

The problem is, it's not something where I can just ASK her about...I KNOW enough about her (her favourite things, what she wants to do, her passions, etc.)

It's on a deeper level that I feel we're no connecting. It's almost like if she dissapeared tommorow, the pain will only be on the surface- there will be no deeper...(for a lack of a better word) spiritual pain.

"One more thing: are you taking 100% responsibility for the relationship? Are you looking at yourself to see what you might be doing (or thinking or feeling) that might be creating for her a feeling of being unsafe or pressured? Do you have some unexplored trust issues yourself? It might be valuable for you both to see if and how you're mirroring each other." -Angela

That's one freakin' great point there angela. I don't think I'm pressuring her or making her feel unsafe in any way, but I think its more to do with fear of getting hurt- both of us. For a long time, I kept myself closed, and waited for the other person (my GF) to open up first. But that was a while back, and I've since taken the initiative and opened up first- and she has mirrored this as well, and has subsequently opened up herself more.

I think this is as much my "fault" as it is hers. Maybe you guys are right- I'm not opening MYSELF enough, and I'm not representing myself truly 100% either...but it all goes back down to my fear of getting hurt. How the hell do you "cure" something like that?!?!

Go somewhere new and quiet; have a nice dinner and a bottle of wine. Talk about all the things you usually wouldn't discuss.

I did this with my ex to discuss topics we couldn't open up about otherwise - previous relationships, children and sex. It worked really well, because it's a lot easier to open up when you're in a relaxed state and having fun on a date. Just pick the right venue. Dim lights, little noise, plenty of space. If you live in a big city, a hookah bar with beanbags/couches will work well.

I don't tend to drink, but this is one of those rare scenarios where I think a glass or two of wine help.