Serious Lack Of Self Esteem

[Big C]

Im struggling to overcome a serious lack of self esteem. Im 42 and still haent met anyone and it the truth be known am fed up of being on my own. I have no end of confidence in other aspects of my life like in my job, travelling alone, social situations etc but the negativity i feel about myself always has held me back where women are concerned. I have a total hatred of how i look, to the extent i hate having my photo taken, avoid my refelection in mirors etc. Im convinced im so ugly no woman would ever look at me. Apart from hating how i look i do have good points, im honest, caring, generous, humourous, loyal, and i keep telling myself these are qualities women would like. The thing is how do women ever get to know your inner qualities if you dont look like a member of the latest boy band? I keep trying to like myself more knowing if you dont like yourself you cant expect others to, but as always when it comes to women i always seem to take the negative out of every situation, i suppose its all down to confidence with the opposite sex, how i can be confident in other areas and not in personal relations i dont know, people that know me wouldnt dream i have this confidence issue as they all see me as someone who knows their own mind and achieves what i set out to do. When you see guys who abuse women and seem to have no problem going from relationship to relationship it makes you wonder what women really want, i always end up thinking id never treat anyone like that but dont even get the chance of a relationship. I dont know if anyone can offer any advice but i just wanted to get how i feel off my chest. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

[111]

Don't feel bad a lot of people on here are probably in a similar boat.

For me recently I learned how to at least approach and get numbers and talk to women no problem. Been about 2 good weeks and about a couple of months of building up self esteem to know nothing bad will happen. Wost so far were girls who would turn away if you talked to them again after leaving or would seem disingterested and maybe someone else would notice. The positives of course are getting to meet these new ladies. Maybe some will like you or others won't.

Regarding treating women bad and abusing them...I disagree. It's more of a game of treating them equal. Teasing and joking seem to be most effective. Walking up and approaching in a crowded bar is easy because others can't hear what you are saying so no fear of others if that's your problem.

I'm glad I learned how to approach women. My goal now is to find a couple to go out with and always have a few numbers. Hopefully I will find the girl I can go out with on a daily basis. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.

In the past I would fixate on the one number or girl I was talking to and tried to be too nice to them. They don't like that and those same girls I talked with before I have seen them recently. What a difference a little tweaking in your dialog can be. She responded a 100% differently.

You are older than me (I'm 27 and like girls in their early 20s) if you are 42 then you probably are going to go after a different crowd. I'm sure with women that are more mature you have to do things differently. But from what I read women past 30 are worried they won't meet a guy ever and are more desperate. I think you can use that to your advantage and develop some experince with these girls.

My advice for what worked with me...

Go up to any random girl you like and say something you notice about her or the surroundings. She will respond and you build off of that.
-- Start with a current topic like say Michael Jackson since a lot of girls have talked to me about that lately
-- or about the 4th, what are your plans
-- or how the summer TV season sucks
-- or about her Iphone (that has worked well and girls like their phones and most of the *cool ones* have them)
-- Something she is wearing you can tease her about, like how it's too cold to dress in skimpy clothes
-- How the crowd looks in this establishment and how everyone else is the same, dressed one way or the other (they seem to like talking about this)

You get the idea. Just random, lite topics.

Good luck and have fun

[nocturne]

Originally Posted by Big C

Im struggling to overcome a serious lack of self esteem. Im 42 and still haent met anyone and it the truth be known am fed up of being on my own. I have no end of confidence in other aspects of my life like in my job, travelling alone, social situations etc but the negativity i feel about myself always has held me back where women are concerned. I have a total hatred of how i look, to the extent i hate having my photo taken, avoid my refelection in mirors etc. Im convinced im so ugly no woman would ever look at me. Apart from hating how i look i do have good points, im honest, caring, generous, humourous, loyal, and i keep telling myself these are qualities women would like. The thing is how do women ever get to know your inner qualities if you dont look like a member of the latest boy band? I keep trying to like myself more knowing if you dont like yourself you cant expect others to, but as always when it comes to women i always seem to take the negative out of every situation, i suppose its all down to confidence with the opposite sex, how i can be confident in other areas and not in personal relations i dont know, people that know me wouldnt dream i have this confidence issue as they all see me as someone who knows their own mind and achieves what i set out to do. When you see guys who abuse women and seem to have no problem going from relationship to relationship it makes you wonder what women really want, i always end up thinking id never treat anyone like that but dont even get the chance of a relationship. I dont know if anyone can offer any advice but i just wanted to get how i feel off my chest. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

a lot of rock stars are ugly and they get girls all the time. personality might be more important...make the most of your looks and develop your social personality.

as for inner scars, maybe a psychologist can help you.

[Kaybee]

I think when we lack self esteem it festers. We think about it all the time and it shows in our demeanor, behavior, body language, etc.....

Every single person on the face of this earth has flaws and/or shortcomings. However, I've seen flawed people serve as magnets....attracting the type of attention and adoration they desire.

I honestly believe that you must learn to love yourself before you can expect others to. I'm a strong believer in a high power. God created you the way you are...providing you with value and beauty in ways you haven't explored yet.

There is a woman out there for you - she'll show up when you're ready for her. Focus on YOU for now. I've suffered self esteem issues for a time so I understand how you feel and what you are going through.

Hang in there.

Kim
Self Improvement and Motivation

[DoubleMe]

I am in a similar situation as Big C. So you are not alone. Doesn't help you though, i guess.

[Ferrino]

Originally Posted by Big C

Im struggling to overcome a serious lack of self esteem. Im 42 and still haent met anyone and it the truth be known am fed up of being on my own. I have no end of confidence in other aspects of my life like in my job, travelling alone, social situations etc but the negativity i feel about myself always has held me back where women are concerned. I have a total hatred of how i look, to the extent i hate having my photo taken, avoid my refelection in mirors etc. Im convinced im so ugly no woman would ever look at me. Apart from hating how i look i do have good points, im honest, caring, generous, humourous, loyal, and i keep telling myself these are qualities women would like. The thing is how do women ever get to know your inner qualities if you dont look like a member of the latest boy band? I keep trying to like myself more knowing if you dont like yourself you cant expect others to, but as always when it comes to women i always seem to take the negative out of every situation, i suppose its all down to confidence with the opposite sex, how i can be confident in other areas and not in personal relations i dont know, people that know me wouldnt dream i have this confidence issue as they all see me as someone who knows their own mind and achieves what i set out to do. When you see guys who abuse women and seem to have no problem going from relationship to relationship it makes you wonder what women really want, i always end up thinking id never treat anyone like that but dont even get the chance of a relationship. I dont know if anyone can offer any advice but i just wanted to get how i feel off my chest. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Hi you are definately not alone in the way that you feel. I have worked with a number of men face to face through coaching that have issues with their self esteem.

You have some terrific qualities including the courage to write how you feel, you also mention the qualities you are aware of honesty, caring attitude, loyalty, humour and generousity - these qualities form part of your uniqueness and are worth reinforcing into your thoughts on a regular basis.

Society has conditioned us to look towards our own appearance as being the be all and end all. Advertising, media, comparisons to celebs, pop stars etc have led a huge amount of society to draw unfavourable opinions of self due to this. I have to say that our own perception of self is very unrealistic due to this and that we are often a lot harsher with ourselves than others would be.

The journey through life is your own and without trying to sound too directive (apologies if I am) I have found that one of the most effective approaches I have noticed is that by changing the focus away from one goal e.g. finding someone to be with onto another one e.g. learning something new, completing a project, doing something for someone else etc causes not only a rise in personal self worth/appreciation but also can cause changes in other unrelated parts of life too, e.g it hasn't been unknown for a client to meet a special someone after a change in focus and direction.

You sound like a really interesting guy, sociable, travel alone. If you do the same things, go to the same places there is a high chance that you will get similar/same results. It may be worth considering looking to do something different.

I really wish you well for the future.

[KtotheB]

Low self-esteem is way too common in our society and it has a lot to do with the mass media's tremendous focus on external appearances.

Looks really don't define whether or not you a person is attractive. Haven't you ever met someone who was "pretty" or "handsome" at first but once you got to know them, were suddenly one of the ugliest people on the planet??

Increasing your self esteem is easier when you accept that the essence of you is not your body:

You are not your body, you HAVE a body!

Also when you begin to love and accept yourself on an inner level, you will naturally begin to take better care of yourself physically which will translate to a more attractive body.

People who glow from the inside out are the most attractive people in my eyes

You are a gift to the world, Big C! Remember that.

[cerenurt]

As a woman who used to have serious issues with self-esteem, I know that the only thing that worked for me was changing how I thought about myself. Just love yourself for who you are. I know it's easier said than done, but if you at least start to practice and "fake it till you make" you will eventually notice a difference. Use positive visualizations and affirmations every night...doing that basically "brainwashes" your mind into accepting new beliefs about yourself. Brainwashing yourself with positive beliefs is a good thing! Fantasize about your ideal self. Have fun wit it.

There are lots of books out there on stuff like this. If you lack confidence (which is different from self esteem actually), I recommend Complete Confidence by Sheenah Hankin. If you need help getting rid of negative beliefs and integrating more positive beliefs I recommend Feeling Good by David Burns (especially if you're depressed) or Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman. I'm sure there are some good books specific to self esteem too.

You have to love those parts of yourself that you don't like. Just think about something you don't like about yourself and send love to it, like you would to a child or loved one. Make this a daily practice. Over time you'll start to feel better, and how you feel will start to show on the outside. Your vibration will start to rise. People will notice this and be attracted to it. Don't think of it as "work" but make working on your self esteem like a game, such as "let's see how far I'll be able to raise my self esteem for the next 24 hours." And make sure to give yourself outstanding credit for EVERY SINGLE accomplishment and any progress you make.

So that's all I have to say about that. And by the way, looks won't matter to the right women (although you're probably underestimating yourself anyway)...confidence is the key to being attractive.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Big C

Im struggling to overcome a serious lack of self esteem. Im 42 and still haent met anyone and it the truth be known am fed up of being on my own. I have no end of confidence in other aspects of my life like in my job, travelling alone, social situations etc but the negativity i feel about myself always has held me back where women are concerned. I have a total hatred of how i look, to the extent i hate having my photo taken, avoid my refelection in mirors etc. Im convinced im so ugly no woman would ever look at me. Apart from hating how i look i do have good points, im honest, caring, generous, humourous, loyal, and i keep telling myself these are qualities women would like. The thing is how do women ever get to know your inner qualities if you dont look like a member of the latest boy band? I keep trying to like myself more knowing if you dont like yourself you cant expect others to, but as always when it comes to women i always seem to take the negative out of every situation, i suppose its all down to confidence with the opposite sex, how i can be confident in other areas and not in personal relations i dont know, people that know me wouldnt dream i have this confidence issue as they all see me as someone who knows their own mind and achieves what i set out to do. When you see guys who abuse women and seem to have no problem going from relationship to relationship it makes you wonder what women really want, i always end up thinking id never treat anyone like that but dont even get the chance of a relationship. I dont know if anyone can offer any advice but i just wanted to get how i feel off my chest. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Hey Big C,

This guy David Cain posted a link 88 important truths that are worth reading;
88 Important Truths I’ve Learned About Life | Raptitude.com

I think they're all worth reading, but particularly;
#47 says If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship.

There's a link off it about how things in life are only temporary which is worth reading as well;
This Will Never Happen Again | Raptitude.com

The reason there are lots of women who are in relationships with abusive men, is because there are lots of women with low self esteem as well.. They're humans just like we are, and not angels who can save your life.

I think at your age of 42 a woman wouldn't want a man to look like a member of the latest boy band.. and really women are more based on their physical appearances than we are.
You would be better asking yourself how you get to know a women who doesn't look like a member of a girl band... I think..

Just some thoughts that may be useful..

[brendannz]

Oh another thing, I'm 27 and I'm good looking, but I've never really been in a relationship, for some self esteem problems in the past, (although I've improved lots last 2 years)

and one thing I've noticed in the past, is that I always wonder "am I enough" when I'm trying to qualify with women and talking too much about myself, when I should be really trying to get to know her to see if she would be a good fit.. if that makes sense, and plus everyones favourite subject is themselves.

(one lesson I only learnt recently)

[outback]

just turn 49 l.am on my own single no girl in my life sometime get me down keep saying nice about yourself stay happy do thing that make you feel good and keep on keeping on
stay well

[davidv90]

Originally Posted by Big C

Im struggling to overcome a serious lack of self esteem. Im 42 and still haent met anyone and it the truth be known am fed up of being on my own. I have no end of confidence in other aspects of my life like in my job, travelling alone, social situations etc but the negativity i feel about myself always has held me back where women are concerned. I have a total hatred of how i look, to the extent i hate having my photo taken, avoid my refelection in mirors etc. Im convinced im so ugly no woman would ever look at me. Apart from hating how i look i do have good points, im honest, caring, generous, humourous, loyal, and i keep telling myself these are qualities women would like. The thing is how do women ever get to know your inner qualities if you dont look like a member of the latest boy band? I keep trying to like myself more knowing if you dont like yourself you cant expect others to, but as always when it comes to women i always seem to take the negative out of every situation, i suppose its all down to confidence with the opposite sex, how i can be confident in other areas and not in personal relations i dont know, people that know me wouldnt dream i have this confidence issue as they all see me as someone who knows their own mind and achieves what i set out to do. When you see guys who abuse women and seem to have no problem going from relationship to relationship it makes you wonder what women really want, i always end up thinking id never treat anyone like that but dont even get the chance of a relationship. I dont know if anyone can offer any advice but i just wanted to get how i feel off my chest. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

on average, how many women do you ask out in a month?

I'm in the same boat except that i'm 26. From experience, I've come to the conclusion that I'm single because i just don't ask girls out. There are people that are way worst than me but they have no problems with dating.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Big C

Im struggling to overcome a serious lack of self esteem...... I dont know if anyone can offer any advice but i just wanted to get how i feel off my chest. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Hi Big C,

Before you can feel comfortable about dating, or putting yourself out there, you definitely must develop a healthy level of self-confidence. Know that it is not tied to how you look - but how you feel about yourself.

As someone mentioned, some of the most beautiful people in the world of show biz have detested themselves, while some of the homeliest, are bursting with confidence. Have a look at this article I've written for some ideas on what to work on: How To Build Self-Confidence.

I hope it helps and all the best to you!

[Ferrino]

I don't know whether or not this may help but Steve mentioned on his podcast Faster Goal Achievement that if you have a goal it is worth noticing the side-effects of how things would be different if a goal is achieved and thereby then identifying these characteristics.

I used a similar method with one of my clients who had confidence issues because he thought that his receeding hairline and height made him look old (he was 25) and ugly and unattractive (his own words)

The technique we discussed was for him to imagine what his life would be like with the opposite positive feelings for himself, i.e feeling young, handsome, confident etc.

This approach was actually quite powerful and we discussed and implemented changes that included wearing smarter clothes, improved grooming and improved posture (standing tall as he tended to slouch)

However my client also made other changes too, for example he began to go out more with people of his age again and he made changes to his home to reflect this new persona.

Though we worked together over the weeks to gradually introduce these changes, some were implemented straight away and others were automatic, unconscious responses.

Though I no longer work with this client on our last contact he mentioned that he felt far better about himself and that he had started to learn to like himself much more than he did.

[Big C]

Many thanks for all the replies theres a lot of positives to be taken from all posts. For the last couple of years ive actually got into regular workouts in the gym, lost quite a bit of weight and just getting into better shape does make you feel bettr about yourself from that aspect. Im going through all the links people have kindly posted and again theres some really helpful information. I did tend to start believing it must just be me, these responses prove it isnt just me. I now realise ive got to concentrate on the positive aspects of myself and as someone said, people pick up on confidence and positivity, that also works the other way i think ive been exuding negativity and theres nothing so unattractive. Just getting off my chest how i feel was a help, the responses more so. It might sound silly but i feel a bit more confident already and am doubly determined to become a more positive person, thanks again to everyone for taking the time to reply.

[cerenurt]

Originally Posted by Big C

It might sound silly but i feel a bit more confident already and am doubly determined to become a more positive person, thanks again to everyone for taking the time to reply.

Feeling more confident is never silly! Never undermine the positive feelings you get...each one counts.

I'm glad you found some helpful responses. Wishing you the best!

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Big C

Many thanks for all the replies theres a lot of positives to be taken from all posts. For the last couple of years ive actually got into regular workouts in the gym, lost quite a bit of weight and just getting into better shape does make you feel bettr about yourself from that aspect. Im going through all the links people have kindly posted and again theres some really helpful information. I did tend to start believing it must just be me, these responses prove it isnt just me. I now realise ive got to concentrate on the positive aspects of myself and as someone said, people pick up on confidence and positivity, that also works the other way i think ive been exuding negativity and theres nothing so unattractive. Just getting off my chest how i feel was a help, the responses more so. It might sound silly but i feel a bit more confident already and am doubly determined to become a more positive person, thanks again to everyone for taking the time to reply.

Great work!

One thing that prevents success with women is neediness, so it's worth telling yourself

"I love and accept myself just the way I am"
and "all I need to be happy is myself"

Seems like you've made lots of progress already, so make sure you keep up the good work

[Big C]

How very true, thanks again.

[self improvement]

Just saw this post, and wanted to add my two cents.

What you said is absolutely true in that, great confidence (in other areas) doesn't necessary mean a good self esteem. Like so many of those celebrities who are quite popular and appear confident on stage, but suffer in quiet desperation when alone, to the point of being driven into depression and drugs.

One needs to be comfortable with oneself, and that's what self esteem is all about. As someone rightly said, "Its not who you are that holds you back, it is who you think you are not".

One of the first things for improving self esteem is to quit being hard on oneself like you have been. The moment self-criticism surfaces in your mind, just put a STOP to it. You are more than your looks - make a list of your positives, including accomplishments, skills, feedback and personality traits - and go over them everyday, first thing in the morning. Don't just read them, dwell on each item for a few seconds, before moving to the next one.

More self esteem tips are at:
Improving Self Esteem, Building Confidence and Self Esteem

As for confidence with women, try imagining yourself confident with women, in your mind first. You need to be comfortable with the idea in your mind, before putting it into reality. Repeat the image in your mind several times everyday, then play it out for real, without a thought of "what would happen if..". Act like you will succeed, and just do it.

More self confidence tips at:
How To Build Confidence, TEN Self Confidence Tips

Hope these help, at least a little bit. Good wishes.

[Miia]

Beauty is self-confidence.

Or, as self-improvement said, beauty is feeling comfortable about yourself.


REMEMBER THAT!!!!!!!

(specially since you`re a man, men don`t have to be picture-perfect-I-just-stopped-down-a-runway. Men have to be strong and confident and charming. Usually women don`t like blond-haired, blue-eyed, mascara-wearing, puppy-eyed model-type-guys. Trust me. This doesn´t mean that taking care of your body is wrong, don`t stop doing that!!! It just means that the charisma of a man stems from his personality, not his looks. Looks do help but are really secondary in building charisma. Once a man is confident and comfortable with himself he will become beautiful. I`m 23 and I`m attracted to Keith Richards, does that illustrate my point?)

[ar81]

Forgive yourself.
Do not blame yourself for everything, do not punish you for everything.

The world can take care of itself without you for some days.
Let the world alone and take care of yourself. Be your friend and realize about the great many things you can accomplish.

You feel little, but you are not.
Discover those many things you CAN do.

What you believe is true.
If you believe you are ugly, you will be ugly.
If you believe you are handsome, you will be handsome.
Be careful about what you believe.

If you are not happy with yourself without relationship, you will not be happy with a relationship. Heal selfesteem firs, then try to start a relationship, not in the reverse order.