Help vs. enabling - how to tell the difference?

[ns123]

Hello all,

I want some advice on what to do. Here is the situation:

I have an uncle who has smoked his whole life. He has bad lungs because of it. He also lives in a 3rd world country - actually, I have a whole slew of relatives that live in this 3rd world country. Periodically, my mom will pressure me into sending them money (to help them out) when they run into trouble or get sick. And I will, mainly because I can afford to. I've been doing this my whole life - since I was able to earn a dollar at the age of 15 years old.

Anyway, right now in my life, I am blessed with abundance in the financial area. Everything is going great for me. I just heard my uncle had to go to the ER because he collapsed and now he doesn't have the money to pay the hospital bills. My mom called me today and told me of his situation... and I feel so pressured into sending him money to help out.

The thing is, this uncle... I never speak to him. He has written me one or two letters (in 25 years) all of which ask for money. When my relatives from that country call, it's always to ask for money. Right now, I am already paying for in home care for my grandmother - which I have been paying for the last 5 years. It's not a small sum.

The problem is, I have the money. But I don't feel particularly generous. Mainly because he has lung problems, has been told to stop smoking... did, but then fell off the wagon and started again. And now this. Plus, he frivolously spends the money we send him - he spent $100 USD (which is a LOT over in that country) to see a witch doctor to give him a charm for his lung problems! He didn't even have the money to spend it... but he went... and now owes this witch doctor money.

I've told my mom that I will think about it. But I really don't want to send him any money, because it's like I'm enabling him. I mean, dammit - I am not responsible for him! I barely even know him! I barely even know my grandmother and I'm supporting her and have been for the past 5 years! I have the money, I mean, I'm literally swimming in it. But I just feel... I dunno. Resentful? I just want to scream... what more do you people want from me?!?

Another thing is, I have been thinking about quitting working altogether - but when I do, I won't be able to be lavish any more. My mom is actually pretty upset about this, because I will be walking away from a pretty high salary. I told her, I am not going to work for the rest of my life to support a family that I barely know... to the detriment of my own family's well being! And she was like... acting like I'm being selfish because I can make so much money, but yet, I am walking away from it! And I just feel like, what? I continue working so that I can support other people and sacrifice my own kids?

Anyway... my question is... what do I do? I don't want to appease my mom and send them money. But I also feel so guilty... how do I put it in a way that she will understand? I guess I want to make her understand (if that's even possible!)... but I'm not sure how to best do that. Or how to even effectively explain how I feel.

Thanks for reading this far. Looking forward to hearing the replies.

[Brutha]

But I also feel so guilty... how do I put it in a way that she will understand?

Why do you feel so guilty?
What have you made that makes you feel that way?
Are you guilty just because you exist?

I guess I want to make her understand (if that's even possible!)

Is it about your feelings or about her feelings?

[spirit4711]

You decide for yourself what you do with your life and your money. Other people may not understand or appreciate your decisions. So what?

Don't try to make your mother understand you. She's an able woman, and she can understand you (maybe not like your decisions) perfectly.

Don't use 'sacrifizing your children' as an excuse to yourself to do what you want. You have made your choices, and if you want to make new choices, do so. It seems you want your choices to be acceptable to others. That is a dangerous road. Better to make choices acceptable to you. And accept the consequences of the choices you make.

[ssandra]

Hi,

I can understand your dilema. There have been times where I have had to leave off buying or doing things because of my family in law in Mexico.

One big difference is I guess, that I know and love them and don´t mind it.

Something worth thinking about might be the difference in culture. In most 3rd world countries family help and giving when needed is normal and assumed. So, allthough you are looking now with a different view,for your mom and uncle this might just be normal life.

As a solution; I would say to give them time. Tell them what you are planning,and when, when you cannot help them anymore and give them time to prepare.
They probably will not accept because you have the power to make their lifes easier, but it is your life.

For yourself you might think of having a priority list, such as, when 1st or 2nd level familiy need money for a hospital or otherwise life threathinging stuff I will help, not for the rest.
Or, only so much a month and not more.

Good luck anyway, and try to see it also from your moms point of view, cultural and all.

[ns123]

Brutha:

I think it's more about how I feel. I do want to help, but the problem is, I don't think I'm helping. I'm enabling. He caused this situation upon himself by his continued smoking, even after doctors have told him to quit or he will die. So for me to bail him out each time (by paying for his medical bills) he'll just keep doing it. When will it end for me?

Also, when I help one relative, dozens of others come out of the woodwork with their hands out. One of them actually stole from me when I was visiting about 10 years ago.

The problem is, because I can I have helped in the past. But I'm not a bank, and it seems they treat me as if I'm an unending funnel of money.

I don't know why I feel bad for not helping. It does feel (to me) like I'm sitting on a pile of money (not literally) and I'm just keeping it to myself and not helping. But I don't want to be a bank - which it seems that's all I am to them. I feel bad that I resent them for asking, and I feel bad when I don't help... as if I'm stingy. Maybe I really do think I am and don't want to admit it?

spirit:
I don't think I am seeking her approval. Maybe it's old pain - but I've decided not to seek my mom's approval a while ago. I think maybe I believe that she has a point. If I see some one drowning, do I pull them out? What if they keep jumping in the water without a life jacket - over and over again? It feels like that with my 3rd world country relatives. It feels to me they just think, oh, it's ok if we get ourselves in a financial pickle, we have a rich niece, she'll bail us out.

I think I'm really more mad at myself for just paying them to go away and I feel bad for that. Maybe I just am a bad person, pretending to be generous and helpful when I help people financially - when really I'm just paying them off to leave me the hell alone.

I dunno. what do you guys think? I dunno how to wrestle with this guilt - this resentment of them that they expect me to help them all the time. And this resentment of my mom that she expects me to help just because I can. I want to let go of that resentment - and be able to really help with my heart... or at least let go of it period, even if I decide to never help.

[Brutha]

But I don't want to be a bank - which it seems that's all I am to them. I feel bad that I resent them for asking

If their behavior consists of treating you as a bank, why shouldn't you resent that behavior?

[ns123]

Originally Posted by Brutha

If their behavior consists of treating you as a bank, why shouldn't you resent that behavior?

LOL, Brutha, you're right! It's perfectly normal to resent this kind of behavior.

The problem is, it feels awful. I know, it's perfectly normal to be annoyed and resent this behavior - but I don't want to. I want to get to a position that I can say, "Sorry, I choose not to help. I am sorry for your situation, but I am not responsible for your life. I allow you the freedom to conquer this hardship on your own and I believe you will. "

I want to be able to say that, and really mean it. I want to be able to just tell my mom, "I will not send any money because I believe he will get through this. And if he doesn't that's his choice. I am not responsible for his well being, he is. And if he doesn't take care of himself, that's his choice and I give him the freedom to make his own choices."

I want to say both these things and feel good about saying them. Not feel like I'm flinging daggers (which I feel like I do when I say it) and say it with total abandonment of all resentment, anger, and for it to just come from a place of love.

Does that make sense? Maybe I'm just looking for confirmation that, you know what, ns? You are doing the right thing.

[Apollia]

I can definitely understand and sympathize with being plagued by the inner struggle between being a willing slave of guilt vs. rebelling against being controlled by guilt. When you get totally fed up with being enslaved to guilt, it can be tempting to just say "to heck with what anyone else wants, I'm going to do exclusively what I want, for a change".

I think what would be ideal, though, would be to be free of being controlled by either the urge to automatically submit to whatever guilt demands that you do, or the urge to automatically rebel against and do the opposite of whatever guilt demands that you do. Then you could make a free choice about what action to take, without feeling any kind of inner pressure either to submit or to rebel.

Sounds good in theory anyway, but maybe achieving such true inner freedom is easier said than done. Oh, well, hopefully someday I'll figure out how to actually implement my own advice for myself, and stop being as dominated by guilt as I sometimes still am even now.


Regarding "enabling" - I'd only consider your help harmfully "enabling" if you actually bought your uncle cigarettes, or told him to buy cigarettes with money you gave him (instead of telling him to quit).

Even if you gave him a huge chunk of cash to spend any way he wished, it would be his own decision (and fault) if he spent any of it on cigarettes. Yes, giving him money would make him more able to afford cigarettes, but at the same time, it would also enable him to improve his life quite a lot, if he chose. If he chooses to misuse the money, that's not your fault, especially if you keep telling him he should really quit cigarettes for the sake of his health.


By the way, here's an idea on a way to help your relatives that might be less objectionable to you than just paying their bills without doing anything else to encourage them to become more self-sufficient.

Maybe a good compromise - a reasonable middle ground between the two extremes of either unquestioningly paying whatever they ask you to pay, or doing nothing for them - would be to help your relatives achieve financial independence by helping them create their own successful business, so they'll never again have any reason to ask anyone for money.

It's like the old saying - "give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day; teach him to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime."

If that works out well, they won't have any reason to ask you for money anymore, and maybe they'd even end up in your situation, wondering what to do about all their relatives asking _them_ for help. (Maybe that's one way you could make them understand your perspective. )

And, even if it doesn't work out, your family will probably appreciate what you tried to do.

Best wishes,
Apollia