How to effectively communicate?

[mibjkk]

In my previous post, I described my origins as a highly humorous person, and my recent journey to eliminate that unnecessary humor. I am 20 and lack great social skills, largely due to my newly ended humor addiction.

Now, I find that I have cut at least half of my own communications away. I want to speak between 40% and 50% in most conversation, but I find that I either end up in a primarily listening role, or the conversations fall apart awkwardly.

When I do talk enough, I fall into a few pits. I either: a) Talk primarily about myself. b) Offer unsolicited advice and sweeping generalizations about other people's situations. or c) bring up boring topics like the weather

So, here is the main question and some elaboration.

What are effective ways to contribute fully to conversations with others?
I want communication advice for conversations with

• Co-workers/boss
• General acquaintances/distant friends
• Women who I do not know well (meeting and dating)

I want my communication to:

• Convey high value about myself
• Interest, but not necessarily "entertain" the other person
• Carry emotional charge with it

This is a broad question, but I just want some ideas and musings.

I want to experiment with different approaches, but here is what I plan on trying to apply:
1) Relate personal anecdotes about some topic in conversation that focuses on the emotions in the anecdote as well as displaying high personal value
2) Dig deep to talk about common interests in some sort of emotionally charged way (excitement, fear, etc).

Basically, I'm going to try the 'cool' but emotional approach, by showing relatively low non-verbal emotional signs, but using language and voice to project highly emotional feelings to the listener.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by mibjkk

In my [URL="http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/33757-eliminating-humor-become-serious.html"]

When I do talk enough, I fall into a few pits. I either: a) Talk primarily about myself. b) Offer unsolicited advice and sweeping generalizations about other people's situations. or c) bring up boring topics like the weather

So, here is the main question and some elaboration.

What are effective ways to contribute fully to conversations with others?
I want communication advice for conversations with

• Co-workers/boss
• General acquaintances/distant friends
• Women who I do not know well (meeting and dating)

I want my communication to:

• Convey high value about myself
• Interest, but not necessarily "entertain" the other person
• Carry emotional charge with it

This is a broad question, but I just want some ideas and musings.

I want to experiment with different approaches, but here is what I plan on trying to apply:
1) Relate personal anecdotes about some topic in conversation that focuses on the emotions in the anecdote as well as displaying high personal value
2) Dig deep to talk about common interests in some sort of emotionally charged way (excitement, fear, etc).

Basically, I'm going to try the 'cool' but emotional approach, by showing relatively low non-verbal emotional signs, but using language and voice to project highly emotional feelings to the listener.

I have the same problems with your a, b, c pits you fall into. I personally believe, because 90% of communication is non-verbal, then your states that you approach socialising in, determines how successful you will be moreso than the actual words you use.

I try and communicate effectively and naturally by saying what comes to mind more, with less analysis, and trying to live a happy life, so I communicate happily.

However, I must admit I'm not the worlds best communicator, I need to improve.. Plus since your last experiment was a success, I think you're probably going in a right direction for you..

[recordrustle]

i found this blog really helpful

How to Always Have Something Better to Talk About Than the Weather | Raptitude.com

in particular, the section with "the three stooges of conversation" might be interesting to you.

[David Cain]

mibjkk, good for you for breaking down your specific problems with socializing. I had these problems for a long time, but I was way older than 20 before I recognized that it was indeed a problem on my part, and not everyone else's.

When I do talk enough, I fall into a few pits. I either: a) Talk primarily about myself. b) Offer unsolicited advice and sweeping generalizations about other people's situations. or c) bring up boring topics like the weather

The best thing I ever learned about socializing is to shift the conversation to the other person, and the things they value. People love to talk about themselves and the things they're interested in. If you make an honest effort to understand what is important to them, they will love you for it, and will be very receptive to anything you have to say.

In a working situation, such as with your boss, see if you can find out what's on their mind. What issue are they concerned about at the moment, and what can you offer in terms of understanding and appreciating that concern.

In other words, forget yourself. Engage with what is important in that other person's world, and you won't believe the response you get. Forget trying to manipulate the impression you make on them. Just offer your understanding, as a gift, and you'll make the best of all impressions.

By doing this you will be accomplishing all the things you wanted to do, without being self serving. You will be conveying your value to others, you'll keep them interested (because they get to talk about what they want to talk about), and you'll be creating a positive emotion in them because it is so gratifying to be with an understanding person.

I talk about ways to do this in another article called The Secret to Connecting With People.

Thanks for linking my article, recordrustle. As I say in the article, I used to be quite shy and now that's changed fairly quickly.

[andrew]

Become curious. If you're genuinely curious about somebody, they'll have your attention. And the law of reciprocality means that they'll in return become interested in you. If you can't have a fun conversation by that, you simply need to become a more interesting person.

Also, none of this 50% this and anecdote that. Unless you're talking with someone on facts or data, you're going to be having a real human interaction that needs to be natural. You need to get out of your head and be in the moment. If you're worried and thinking about all this stuff, how do yo ever have time to focus on the person in front of you?

If you want somebody to be in a certain state, go there first, like California. Haha no, like excited or playful or fascinated. If you want somebody to have a playful conversation, approach them with a playful energy! If you want to talk about business strategy, act focused, energized, and serious.

It's not about what you say, as you know communication is only 7% words. It's your body language and tonality, your vibe. Practice working on your state, you vibe, before starting conversations, and while you're talking, allow your attention to be on your body instead of your thoughts, and most importantly them - observe them.

Know you're a great guy and somebody who people would jump at the opportunity to pick your brain or hangout with you, and act like it, instead of that old habit you had of trying to convey value or seek approval.