Eliminating humor to become serious

[mibjkk]

My goal is to spend one week (six days, actually), without using humor, sarcasm, or wit.

I am posting for a number of reasons: To be held accountable. To journal my thoughts. To share my experiences. To solicit opinions and links to relevant threads/websites. To present a conclusion at the end of the trial.

Day 1
I realize two things. 1) Our social programs are difficult to rewrite, even with great mental effort. 2) It is difficult to gauge changes without a significant number of social interactions, which I lack.\

Perhaps it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I felt that Day 1 went well. I had very little social interaction today, like most days. At work I met with the boss of my organization and made a very good impression. I also swear I suddenly got newfound respect from a particular co-worker/friend who usually jokes around with me. He didn't comment on me being different, and I tried to be subtle, but I noticed a actual decrease in attempts at humor when I stopped laughing at lame comments. He actually seemed MORE eager to work closely with me on a project once I unconcsciously stood up for myself. Sadly however, my evening had very little interaction (I am, as I've stated, very shy). Although removing humor and focusing on just saying what comes to mind helped alleviate general social anxiety, it did nothing against approach anxiety. The one person I talked to this evening was a worker at a store, and I accidentally said something funny. Oops. More to come tomorrow, although I'm realizing my problem is much deeper than pure humor. I hope to continue to hang onto the feeling of being innately valuable and not valuable through an entertaining personality. Since I'm dedicating a week to self-improvement, I plan to practice cold approaches the following days. Tomorrow the goal is small: approach one girl and one guy, flirt with one and ask the other about what cool is going on around town.


Introduction & Summary
I use humor excessively, and lack a strong appreciation for sincere issues. I feel like my personal use of humor has been harming me socially and professionally. I understand that humor is powerful in moderation, but being a 20 year old class clown has serious limitations. Please read as much of this as you like and check back in a week for my results. I am eliminating humor entirely to perceive it's effects.

The Plan
The trial is very short, but because of the prominence of humor in my life, I believe I will at least begin to see trends emerge, and can decide whether to continue a moderate version of the trial for some time afterwards.

• Do nothing with the sole intent of entertaining others
  I believe entertaining others lowers my value. I want to be another person in a relationship, not a television.
• Do nothing with the intent of causing laughs or giggles
  This follows the previous bullet. I specify it separately, but it is similar.
• Abstain from laughing at things others say unless I find them genuinely funny
  I tend to laugh at anything that people say which is even intended to be funny. As a result, I unconsciously encourage others to see me as enjoying humor, and an easy laugh. Consequently, my social value is lowered. I instead plan to only laugh when genuinely entertained, preserving my identity as a unique person with unique tastes.
• Avoid watching humorous TV shows, movies, or reading humor books or web pages
  I do this to aid myself, and help put me in the correct mindset.

The list is very general, but I found it difficult to concisely summarize. Maybe I'm going overboard in completely eliminating humor, but I need something drastic to begin with.


My Story (long, not terribly critical)
I was raised in a family where nothing was taken seriously. It's not that we were a particularly humorous family, only that things were not taken seriously simply written off or ignored. As a result, myself and my other siblings slowly began to fill the social emptiness with humor. Sadly for me, humor was a great way to associate as a younger child, and even through middle school it was enough to get by. By high school, humor was superficially sufficient in that I could get laughs from the class when saying something witty, but I did not realize at the time how it left me completely unpopular and without real friends.

I was also very shy. Even as a tiny child, I was very shy, and little changed as I grew up. I used humor because it helped me break out of my shell - it got instant results from people. As mentioned, my family avoided serious things, and as a result, I lacked much understanding of things like love, satisfaction, core values, or loyalty. Being shy and relatively satisfied with leading a life of entertaining others, I never really found the need to pursue these more serious goals.

Over time, the humor-centered atmosphere of my family lead to one hostile against heart-felt or serious expressions. Anything was valid to be made fun of, to be insulted for a few laughs. This and the things mentioned previously resulted in a surprising inability to relate to others on a deeper level.

Nowadays, I am not much better off. After ending my most recent relationship (which was one of only two, and both were based on me trying to be funny, even at the expense of my partner) however, I began a journey of self-reformation and discovery. It has been incredibly slow, especially as I battle insecurities, shyness, and a lack of will. But reading enough stuff and occasionally putting things into practice, I'm slowly growing.

Most recently, I've been concerned with forming new relationships - with other men, but primarily with women. I've learned a great deal about the concept of social value, and the realization hit me only today that I was too much of a "funny guy." I'm not sure being funny is bad in general, but I feel it is incredibly important to significantly tone down the entertaining/humorous aspects of my personality and replace them with more personal, genuine, and emotional traits.

My Motivation
I do this primarily to raise social value and communicate more effectively. My first target is women. I feel that although women appreciate humor as much as men do, my usage of humor quickly places me into the "just friends" category. Not even the valued emotional friend category, but simply the "interesting acquaintance." The fact is, humor is not sexual. Humor does not convey the ability to sustain meaningful relationships, the ability to perform sexually, or the ability to care deeply for another person.

Also, humor harms social value. Intentionally using humor conveys to others that you desire approval in the form of laughter. Using humor displays to others that you do not value yourself enough. Simply put, by using humor you say to others that you bring no real value to a relationship, and that you feel you must please others to gain acceptance. From everything I've learned, any time you TRY to please others, you lower your own value.

Furthermore, humor can be harmful. Humor, especially as I use it, can be unintentionally mean or hurtful to other's feelings. Sadly enough, my humor can often target people, cultures, ethnicities, or religions. Not only does using this type of humor detract from my value, but it shows me as a person who does not value other people or things.

This has been entirely critical of humor. I don't believe lightheartedness or humor are completely inappropriate, but I am approaching this week long trial with the mentality that humor is unnatural. After all, dogs and gorillas don't make each other laugh, why should we? I understand that humor is something which sets humans apart from animals, and I haven't delved deep enough into this trial to say for certain whether my theories hold any truth at all. Don't take my assertions to be the truth, they are based only on things I've read or logically deduced. Humor may well be essential, but I know one thing for certain:

Humor must be used carefully, and must never be allowed to replace sincerity in your life.

[inverse Paranoid]

It sounds like you're very confident in your decision to try this out, so I would encourage you not to let anyone else try to dissuade you.

The only thing that really matters in relation to humor is whether or not using humor in a given moment will cause you to feel better, or cause you to feel worse. Most of the time humor is a great uplifter, but if you use it as a substitute for saying what you really want to say, or as an excuse to keep you from having the kinds of interactions you really want, then I can see why the using humor could cause you to feel worse.

Might be helpful for you during this 6 day trial to notice where refraining from humor improved or diminished certain experiences throughout your week. That'll give you a rough idea of when humor serves you best.

My question for you is what do you plan to replace humor with? It might be easier to have something else to focus on instead of just trying to not be funny.

[bparry]

This sounds like a really interesting topic, I think I use humour in the same way as you. When i read the point
"Abstain from laughing at things others say unless I find them genuinely funny"
it struck me as something I'd always done and been vaguely aware of- in conversations whenever anyone says anything intended to be funny even if it gets no response from anyone else, the person who said it always looks to me expectantly and I feel like I have no choice but to laugh to reassure them. Thinking about it now it's pretty clear that I use it as for some deep self-preservation motivation, I have a mindset of if I laugh at their jokes they will like me, but it worries me that I feel i need their approval in that way, I don't respect myself enough that I believe they will like me for who I am.

Thanks for bringing this up for me, its definitely something I'm going make myself more concious of. I'll be following your trial with great interest, good luck!!

[darkw0rker]

Wow I am almost doing the same thing.

I have just realized how stupid it is to laugh pointlessly. It is very very stupid. But here is something I am doing different from you.

I am:

- abstaining from laughing pointlessly at people's stupid stories, etc.
- speak to people very seriously and convincingly
- using laughter only as a way to persuade them to me

Here's the thing. I used to make people laugh out of obligation. I always felt like I should make them happy and entertain them with my stupid behavior. Now I am going to use laughter only to persuade in any way that is logical. After all wit is a very effective rehtorical tool if used properly.

[mibjkk]

One Week Over - My Conclusions


As I expected I would discover, humor is neither perfectly good nor perfectly bad - it's somewhere in between. However, I have discovered a vastness of value in being serious. I have reached a number of sweeping conclusions which I will attempt to personally refine and correct.

1. Never, ever let humor completely control any aspect of my communications/socialization.
2. But make sure humor is an available tool to be used during communication when necessary
3. Never let myself laugh at something that is not funny.
4. But be sure to never stifle genuine laughter.


My Conclusions (The Long, Rambling Version)
Having just finished my 7 day trial, I am no expert in humor, but having experiences two extremes, I can offer a few insights. I study psychology, but couldn't tell you exactly why humans respond to funny things the way we do. However, laughter is basically a form of communication, as are attempts at humor. Sometimes we find things genuinely funny, but laughter arises from a few different social phenomenon. We laugh when something is genuinely funny. We laugh when other people are genuinely laughing. We laugh when we are shocked or embarrassed. Laughter improves our mood and puts us at comfort with those around us, an effect proportional to the genuineness of the laugh.

Humor is basically something that is intended to make others laugh. Our sense of humor determines what we actually find funny. People have vastly different senses of humor, and our sense of humor can dramatically change to accommodate the humor style of people we like and seek acceptance from. "Sense of humor" can also refer to your ability to perceive and acknowledge attempts at humor, but I will avoid using that form.

So, what we see in reality is that unless you're with close friends or a new acquaintance who is seeking acceptance from you, the odds are against your particular brand of humor of being well accepted. In fact, even among those who appreciate you generally, my personal experience has shown humor to fail around half of the time anyways - people are just socially conditioned to act like funny things are funny. No one wants to be the guy who doesn't get the joke, so everyone laughs along, even at very dumb attempts at being funny, and the perpetrator is rewarded for saying something dumb.

You might be anywhere on the spectrum. I abusively used humor and laughed at everything - real humor, dumb humor, often times at things that weren't supposed to be funny. I never told jokes, instead I mainly used sarcasm, absurdity, shocking statements, and poking fun at others. Humor itself was not the main problem for me in the end. Three things are the source of most of the problems I experienced resulting from my particular humor style. First, my humor was often mean or hurtful to others, and used in overabundance. Second, I laughed at everything other people said. Third, I lacked the mindset to interpret serious things seriously.

I took a huge leap in becoming ultra-serious for a week. I often failed to carry through because humor was so deeply embedded in my mind, but I started strong and made continual progress over the course of the week. Maybe because of my occasional lapses, but not a single person called me out on being serious or even acknowledged it directly, and no one really seemed to mind.

The first things I did was stop being a source of humor. Whenever I felt the need to say something funny, I stopped for a second and tried to replace it with something more serious (or even boring, I was being extreme). I often was very glad I stopped, because most of the humorous things I would have said were quite dumb. As a result, I feel that my ability to communicate saw slight improvement in efficiency. Most importantly, removing the "need to entertain others" had the amazing effect of virtually eliminating any social anxiety I often experienced. I cannot fully articulate why this happened, but as a result of this single week, I have a newfound sense of self-worth. I feel as if my presence alone is enough for others to appreciate - the confidence definitely helped in my interactions this week.

The second thing I did was stop laughing at things, especially silly things other people said. I mostly succeeded in this, but it was my most failure prone area. I noticed very rapid results when this was successfully implemented; when I stopped laughing at non-funny comments others said to try to gain laughs, I immediately began regaining lost respect from that person. I feel as if I heard progressively fewer humorous comments as the week continued, but that certainly wasn't a very obvious result.

I have almost no desire to return to being a "funny" person. It only took a few days to adapt to being serious in the workplace and to the family and friends I regularly see this week, and at this point I put no conscious effort into being serious (although my track record is still far from perfect). I could focus another week on even more completely eliminating humor, but I feel that would be harmful.

See, I've learned something else from all this. Humor can be valuable, in moderation. Effective humor is not a crude joke, sarcastic statement or degrading observation. Effective humor is mostly non-verbal. It is taking some topic that doesn't need to be serious, and communicating that in a way that makes others smile. My newfound perception is that any time a complete thought adds no value to communication aside from humor, it is unnecessary. That means no jokes, no witty but pointless observations, and certainly no making fun of others. I also feel that humor should be, on average, positive. Occasional witty sarcasm is acceptable only if communicated positively.

My closing thought is on the replacement of humor. Humor, when used wrongly, takes up a lot of space. Simply eliminating humor leaves a lot of empty space to fill. I used most of that space this week to listen to others, which was well accepted, but not a perfect solution. Being a good listener is powerful, but if all you do is listen, you can be perceived as boring as well as having low value. As inverse Paranoid mentioned at the beginning of this trial, I need to replace humor with SOMETHING. I plan to spend the next week attempting to communicate in an emotionally charged fashion. I'm not sure exactly how, but that will by my next post.

I hope you can take away something from this post.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by mibjkk

My closing thought is on the replacement of humor. Humor, when used wrongly, takes up a lot of space. Simply eliminating humor leaves a lot of empty space to fill. I used most of that space this week to listen to others, which was well accepted, but not a perfect solution. Being a good listener is powerful, but if all you do is listen, you can be perceived as boring as well as having low value. As inverse Paranoid mentioned at the beginning of this trial, I need to replace humor with SOMETHING. I plan to spend the next week attempting to communicate in an emotionally charged fashion. I'm not sure exactly how, but that will by my next post.

I find humour happens naturally as an expression of enjoying yourself when you know the person.. and are used to their company.. That's the best kind of humour for me.

Light-heartedness is important for me, as someone who gets a bit overly analytical, but personally I don't really like people who I don't know and are often trying to be funny at every opportunity..

Someone said sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, and I think if a person is often sarcastic, it really makes it seem like the person isn't smart enough to be properly funny, and also that they have little respect for others...

[aggie]

mibjkk...i commend you on your drive to overcome what you have perceived as a social block for you...humor at the expense of others...except maybe yourself from time to time...is not a good thing obviously....i do think a natrual flow of humor from someone can be a very nice quality...of course there needs to be balance...and i hope you find it...many woman think a sense of humor is a very important quality!....and if you get to some ripe old age or get very comfortable with someone ....you will also find some humor is sex as well!...as far as sarcasm goes...i don't think it is all that low...has to be done in proper doses...mostly to make a point...it can be clever and i think it can be done without hurting anyone...and if someone needs a little jab...it is the lesser of many evils

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by mibjkk

One Week Over - My ConclusionsAs I expected I would discover, humor is neither perfectly good nor perfectly bad - it's somewhere in between.

I think humor in itself is actually good. It's just an enjoyable part of human nature.

Choosing the right moments to express humor, and expressing it in an appropriate way depending on the circumstances, is more important than deciding whether it's good or bad.

[Brutha]

Why do you want to be serious?

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Why do you want to be serious?

I wondered the same thing at first, but he addresses this question in his Motivation section.