stuck in a zone tht never ends

[puresoul]

Hey everyone.
first of all i would like to point out tht im new to all of this its my first day n i do hope to get sum real point of views in here because im just sick of family n friends tryin to support me but not givin me the real solutions in order not to hurt my feelings.. my story is typical i guess..jus like any other girl who is lost n confused BUT its getting more and more complicated with time. here it goes..
i was attendin fall semester few months ago when i meet my ex Dave..he is the same age as me and we meet thru mutual friends..when we first meet it was like whatever i wasnt even tht interested in him..i was still heartbroken frm my previous ex who things ended pretty terribly with. anyways, after tht me n dave started talkin online n got along pretty well n before i know it we were out on our first date, he asked me if i was over mu ex n i told him the truth tht im not n when i asked if he was over his ex of 1 year he said definetly.. we asked me out after our 1st date n i said yes.. things were pretty heated up while we were dating and i loved the feeling of bein wid him,we took things a bit to far physically like i didnt sleep wid him or nething but things were movin fast..
neways so i started findin text msgs frm his ex and he told me tht she was the one who was doin all the moves, his bro was good friends wid his ex so she use to come over at his place which i didnt approve of, tht started botherin me n i backed off n things got rough n after 3 weeks of us datin he dumped me sayin we need more time to get to know eachother.. we dint talk after tht. i travelled n came back n he was back in my life again sayin he broke up wid his ex and wants to be wid me n tht he really missed me n tht when he was wid her he was unhappy, i didnt give in though, but we started spendin time together n i got attached to him, n to his ways of makin me feel so needed.. and then turnd out he was back wid her n i was left heartbroken again...
i would call him n he wouldnt pik up and he used to tell me u deserve better and he knows how i feel abt him cuz i happen to mention it when i was drunk.. few weeks passed n i stopped contactin him. he calls me 2 weeks ago out of nowhere n wants to meet me n so we did, we went to this bar we booth got tipsy and he said he missed me and we kissed..but he never called after tht... now the PROBLEM is tht his bestfriend and my bestfriend r dating so we see eachother more than i would want, before yest i he told me online tht im a great person and i deserve sum1 so much better than him and tht he doesnt like the fact of knowing tht i like him n he keeps hurtin me so hez guna back off but no one knows u like i do and whenever u need me ill always b there for u..
i know there is something between us very strong but i duno what it is.. and honestly i cant back off.. i think i am or actually have falled for him.. i dunno what to do or how to react nemore.. ne suggestions?

[TaylorLord]

It sounds to me like you have a case of "You want what you cant have syndrome". Its okay alot of people fall into this. Its about being "hard to get", In life we tend to go after people that challenge us because its attractive. But in your case this guy even admitted that you deserve a better guy meaning he doesn't want to go out with you.

It sounds a lot like hes using you because you never deny him ever. Whenever he calls you or wants to hang out you dont hesitate at all you are right there wherever he needs you. I will just tell you this, being loyal is a good quality to have, but when your being loyal to someone that doesn't give a dang about you, that's just not smart.

You need to stand up for yourself and put your foot down so you can get him to respect you. A relationship requires equal feelings and you cannot make him like you like you want to be liked. I know it hurts to hear this but this connection your feeling lust. You want him because he doesn't want you.
YOU deserve something so much greater. A man that is going to want to hang out with you and not be all physical and also a man that isn't so flighty. I know the bad boy image is attracting but this isn't the type that's going to be good in the long term.

So please i know its going to be hard for you but you need to cut him out of your life completely!

I hope this helped and best of luck.

[joelr]

Wid?

[puresoul]

you are right, what u are saying makes perfect sense, its just the temptation tht i have to fight because lets admit it,it sucks to be lonely.
He probably doesnt want me or why would he keep going back to his ex, by the way i just want to let u know how much i enjoyed reading your article"where did u go", it really knocked back some sense into me.. i appreciate your help

[puresoul]

???

[TaylorLord]

aw thanks I am glad you enjoyed my article! I know things can be tough but I've been in your situation before! The truth that you need to remind yourself daily is that good things come out of things that are hard to do. Its going to be hard for you to reject your temptations, its going to be hard to go against your feelings of being lonely but your not an animal i know there is some self control there somewhere, you just have to use it!

Bottom line is you don't want so be with someone that doesn't want to be with you, its completely boring and predictable. Puresoul you know where that road leads, hurt and suffering. So please lets break the cycle today. Just live your life and worry about makingYOURSELF happy, don't give boys excuses you are a lady and you need a real man that loves you and is loyal. You are worth more than to put yourself last! The haters can say what they want, but at the end of the day all you got is yourself.

[jaamkie]

I find the most interesting part of your original post that you say you are "just sick of family n friends tryin to support me but not givin me the real solutions in order not to hurt my feelings"

I think we each have to make our own decisions in life and not let other people decide for us- I know when I'm conflicted about a decision, sometimes I just sit back and wait for others to force me into a decision, and then I can act like a victim afterward and blame the results on someone else. As helpful as outside perspectives can be, it is important to take responsibility for your own choices. Sometimes there is no perfect answer and you have to accept there are pros and cons to any possible choice- but any choice made by you is going to be better than a choice made by someone else. Good luck figuring out what to do!

[akoma]

Listen to TaylorLord. I was your boyfriend for a 2 and a half years relationship with now my ex. I breakup with her at least 6 times within the course of the relationship. Anytime I called her to amend, she was there for me. She wanted to marry but I told her I do not want to marry to her but she still hanged around. At time time, we could not really define our relationship. We were having sex anytime I wanted it, but not when she wanted it. And even that, I did not want it because, you guess it I think I can do better. I told her on several occasions to go "find someone else" because I felt I could do better. Mind you this woman treated me well, like never before. The only thing that troubled me was her past relationship; though I had no reason to think she will be doing anytime secretive. To cut things short, she finally "found a guy that she is interested in." I was initially shocked so I started acting like a needy man trying to do things to get her back. Now, she does not even pick up my calls and told me to never call her again. To make long story short, the best thing you can do now for yourself is to cut contact with this man. If he ever calls again, do not pick up. He will be frustrated after several calls and if you happen to eventually talk to him, tell him you are not playing game and he should decide what he wants to do else he should leave you alone.

[TaylorLord]

amen to that! Pure soul what is the update on this matter?

[puresoul]

Hey there,

well nothing so far, he is not calling me neither am i, and my bestfriend katie who is dating his bestfriend, we all hung out yesterday and my ex dave wasnt there, this is the first time that him not bein there wid us when we all are chilling together, it felt great actually cuz i kept reminding myself of what u told me Taylor.. but frm time to time he would call his bestfriend and i couldnt help but think whether he will be making it or not, but he couldnt come cuz hez studyin cuz he has his finals, so overall i had a good time without him.
His bestfriend is planning a get away trip and dave would be there so would my bestfriend katie,includin sum other friends. they all invited me to come, but i dont know if i should go, im thinking of goin n showin him tht i can seriously LIVE without him and i am capable of havin fun whether hez around or not.
i mentioned tht he told me tht i deserved better, but i never mentioned tht he also told me tht he told me we might end up bein together later on, and that he is Not in love wid his ex but hez attached to her, im just mentioning this cuz i know tht he wants me but in what way exactly..im clueless.
jaamkie, you are right and i do make my own decisions in life but my family n friends dont like to see me sad or mad or whatever so they try to cheer me up abt my situation and i know what they sayin is jus to make me feel better, but i dnt want that anymore, i jus want to know the truth cuz obviously the person i want the truth from is not givin it to me, he jus keeps me hanging, im actually shocked that he told me he wants to back off and wished me all the best

[akoma]

I suggest you don't attend the farewell party... but from your writing, I know you will. The best thing you can do now is to give him the "gift of missing you". If you have another man to go to this party with you, then go; else stay away from the party all together.

[marinik]

Dear Puresoul, I remember being in a very similar situation when I was a student so long ago. I used to dream how he would see me one day happy and thriving, beautiful and successful and he will be so sorry he didn't choose me.
Well after 25 years we meet at a mutual friends place and start talking... I was all of the above.. happy, successful, still very beautiful...thriving. He confesses that not being with me WAS his biggest mistake but that he would have messed me so up... what he really did to his wife. He was/is 7 years older very controlling, strong personality and very manipulative - it is what I can see now. Then I was just confused and mad and wanting him so much. He told me I was his happiness pill then and that made it right for me in a way, although it was my ego celebrating. Me and my heart and soul got over him very soon after I stopped replying to his calls now 31 years ago. To make my point - I have been very happy in my relationships. I have been loved and adored by my men. Still am ! Go on.. enjoy life. There are so many wonderful people out there if you just let them come in to your life. Just leave him behind in his own little mess of a life. You don't have to be a part of it!

[puresoul]

Marinik, first of all i want to tell u that thank god tht u did move on frm tht phase and are now actually happy with ur life cuz i know how hard it is to do tht and let go, second, this guy u telling me about is the same as my ex, controlling, strong personality and jealous above tht all. i know he was very happy with me and i was happy as hell with him but right now i seriously do want him out of my life but i just cant let him go.
Today i had free invatation to a club n i called his bestfriend so we can all go, he gave the phone to my ex sayin he knows better in these things and he said he wanna go but its jus going to be 3 guys and 1 girl which is not going to look nice, i would have goten my friends but thy all have exams, so here i was bein let down by him, again! i felt so down tht i didnt go clubbin today eventhough my friends like begged me to go with them, i jus ate ate n ate n watched tv. yes i know im sick! i mean im actually hot and alot of guys want me but i jus cant seem to let any1 in i mean i do give them a chance but by the end of the night therez always sumthin abt them tht ticks me off n i end up nt even returning their phone calls. i seriously dont know whats wrong me. so after this incident i ended up sendin my ex a msg cuz i was soooo mad 'im sick of ur **** grow out of it n grow up' ofcourse he didnt reply cuz hez too busy showin me he couldnt care less. im sick of myself, im clueless.. i hate where i stand and seriously im beginnin to think i have no dignity left.. is this a sickness

[marinik]

Puresoul I know there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better now, but believe me it will get better. It is like you are at the lowest point on the bell curve so from this point it is just going to be up!!!! And stop beating yourself because of these types - these low life... men who absolutely deserve to be stepped on and not to be loved/longed for! You are the one thinking those thoughts of not having any dignity left. Nobody else is in your head! So from now on, until you are on top of the bell curve do not put yourself in a situation where he can do this to you - or to be precise for you to do this to yourself! Don't call this mutual friend, do not allow anybody to put him on the phone... or any situation in which you can be hurt/hurt yourself. When ever you think about him you can put mentally some silly bunny ears.. play some circus music when you remember a humiliating situation.... make a mental image of him doing something totally funny and humiliating for him. Just stop beating yourself up. Nobody is doing this to you but you repeating this in you own mind. He is not even thinking of you! Why should you spend another moment devoting it to a messed up guy like that! Head high, look at the beautiful girl in the mirror, she deserves much better that you are giving her now

[puresoul]

I appreciate your help marinik, and yes u r right, he definetly deserves any of my attension..and this does help, once again Thank u all for all the support. I just hope i'll be up for the challenge.