Shame & Excitement

[straysweeper]

Today, as I've often done, I've roamed through social networking sites to find people from my past. The mix of emotions along with the uncertainty of wanting to look them up, even those that made an impression on me, that never really knew me. To see some, whom haven't really changed or done much, to those that have lived, asserting themselves. At first, I was excited because it opened myself up to what is possible, and then later shamed because I feel so unsuccessful now, especially compared to where I could be. I am even unclear as to why I'd feel so drawn to those of my past, versus so many others out there.

I'm becoming away out how a lot of them have developed their personalities, with very similar to what they had when I knew them, only more pronounced. And I look at myself and where I am, and the way I was, if these are any indication for the future, I don't like most of what I see.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing, only that in a sense, everyone I've ever met knows I've potential and I waste it... Now its so inritating to look back on all the time I've lost, on things that don't really matter... Interesting to see watch the reactions I'm having.

[Dreamline]

Instead of viewing it shamefully, why not choose to view it motivationally? You speak as if you have no time left to achieve. As long as you breathe, you have time to correct perceived flaws and to achieve.

Jennifer

[ns123]

straysweeper,

you've probably felt this way a for a long time. This feeling that you had all this potential, but wasted it away... that you are becoming a person that you feel could be so much more... this feeling of something not quite right.

I think you are drawn to your past because deep inside, your intuition has actually been shouting at you to be more... that you could be more... and what is possible. So it looks like your intuition (your true self) is trying to call your attention to something - which is why you feel this compelling feeling to look into your past.

I think you could examine more these feelings - of not being all that you could be... and decide that it is you are willing to do about it. You could start making small changes... little by little... over time. Or you could just decide to do nothing.

But I'll tell you one thing, that nagging little feeling, it won't go away unless you change something.

[straysweeper]

Originally Posted by Dreamline

Instead of viewing it shamefully, why not choose to view it motivationally? You speak as if you have no time left to achieve. As long as you breathe, you have time to correct perceived flaws and to achieve.

Jennifer

Jennifer, your words speak volumes, and I thank you for them.

In a sense it is motivating me. Every negative emotion hides the within it the source of a positive emotion not being met. I know in a sense I have time to achieve and its not over, yet, tomorrow is promised to no one. What I feel seems to be mostly from not giving my all more consistsantly. Because I know in my heart, if I did, nothing would stand against me.

Originally Posted by ns123

straysweeper,

you've probably felt this way a for a long time. This feeling that you had all this potential, but wasted it away... that you are becoming a person that you feel could be so much more... this feeling of something not quite right.

I think you are drawn to your past because deep inside, your intuition has actually been shouting at you to be more... that you could be more... and what is possible. So it looks like your intuition (your true self) is trying to call your attention to something - which is why you feel this compelling feeling to look into your past.

I think you could examine more these feelings - of not being all that you could be... and decide that it is you are willing to do about it. You could start making small changes... little by little... over time. Or you could just decide to do nothing.

But I'll tell you one thing, that nagging little feeling, it won't go away unless you change something.

ns123,

There was a point in my life where I believed my 'wasting time' was part of everything and I wasn't so hard on myself. However, that was when I was 19/20. This feeling has come again and again. It is getting louder.

In my old job, I used to get so frustrated because I felt it was keeping me from doing something, and yet, when I'd not be there, I'd be caught up with other things or too tired to pursue them.

Now that I've had all the time in the world, I haven't any clue where to put it, or my energies. Or I've been avoiding pains of the past, through distractions. And they aren't even working anymore.

I desperately want to change something, but I know not just anything will make an impact. I feel I'd rather spend my time trying to push boulders rather than pebbles... Though my mind just flashed with enough enough peoples you can build a mountain...

Finding the place to begin, or deciding the path to walk, always gives me doubt. Doubt if its the right path, or that I'll be disauded from it, or worse, that I'll be too stubborn and stick to the wrong path and not see the signs as I've done before.

I find it cosmic that you speak of something that has been going through my mind for the past few days. I have to change something and I have to change it now.

[ns123]

straysweeper,

What I find works for me when I want to change, is to push those pebbles instead of pushing boulders. I push one pebble first... see how long I can keep pushing it. If I can't commit to pushing a damned pebble, there is no way I'm going to commit to pushing a boulder.

My basic challenge is commitment. So I try to give myself time to form good habits - a little at time. If I can train myself to do one little thing, and stick with it for a while, I'll up that little thing by two little things... and stick with it... and keep increasing. Before I know it, I am doing the Really Big Thing!

Baby steps are more effective for me when I want to create change in myself. See if that works for you.

[Dreamline]

Stay, do you have any particular aspirations at this moment? Things that seem to resonate with you?

Jennifer

[straysweeper]

Originally Posted by ns123

straysweeper,

What I find works for me when I want to change, is to push those pebbles instead of pushing boulders. I push one pebble first... see how long I can keep pushing it. If I can't commit to pushing a damned pebble, there is no way I'm going to commit to pushing a boulder.

My basic challenge is commitment. So I try to give myself time to form good habits - a little at time. If I can train myself to do one little thing, and stick with it for a while, I'll up that little thing by two little things... and stick with it... and keep increasing. Before I know it, I am doing the Really Big Thing!

Baby steps are more effective for me when I want to create change in myself. See if that works for you.

One point in my life If I said I'd do something I'd do it, at least if it was to someone else. When it came to myself however, I'd always find excuses or say things like I have time and so fourth. This is something thats really bothering me.

I've been looking at my looking at the past and something came through. I've been so concerned with where I'm going, that I have tuned out where I've been and to some extent where I am.

I did the math earlier, about far deep in it I am. And its pretty deep compared to where I used to be. I want to dig myself out rather quickly as I know it can be done, since there are others that have too.

However, I'm nearly convinced I can't do it here in Oklahoma. The only thing that makes me wonder is, if I'm letting the people and my environment get to me, and just using that as an excuse.

Originally Posted by Dreamline

Stay, do you have any particular aspirations at this moment? Things that seem to resonate with you?

Jennifer

I've been enjoying watching things to do with the environment. I also keep thinking how to make peoples lives better. Yet, mostly I come to realize they don't really want to hear it.

But I see a trend in all my thoughts revolve around solving problems, helping out, serving greater good, and making a difference.

[Dreamline]

Cool. I kind of feel that way too.


Jennifer

[straysweeper]

Jen, I had a feeling With a name like dreamline, I think we'd get along great.

Looking at my past has revealed a new layer. Things I thought I'd dealt with are showing up again, recalling that I wouldn't be who I am today for those events, and I won't be whom I am to be, for these events.

The seeds seem to be around forgiveness of others, and thus myself, and becoming centered enough to make a decision of the direction of my life. Making the choice and being okay with that choice, with who I am, and who I want to be.

[ns123]

Originally Posted by straysweeper

One point in my life If I said I'd do something I'd do it, at least if it was to someone else. When it came to myself however, I'd always find excuses or say things like I have time and so fourth. This is something thats really bothering me.

I totally sounded like this a few years ago. What changed my life was the realization that I have all the time I need to do whatever I needed to do. I just had to make time for it. Which means, I had to drop something else that was in my life (like watching tv, internet surfing... etc). If I was not willing to do this, I accepted the fact that it's not a high enough priority for me, and accepted the fact that, for now, it's not going to happen. It was the most liberating experience ever! I didn't feel like I failed anymore, I just didn't make goals that I knew I would not commit to.

One thing was exercise. I wanted a model thin body (I'm not too bad actually), really tone, like Victoria Secret tone. But I accepted that I was not willing to do the work required - because I never had time for it - or, I actually never MADE time for it. So I just accepted, ok, I'll be 5'4" and a size 4 forever. It's not as if I'm as big as a house! It was then that I stopped beating myself up for not exercising.

Originally Posted by straysweeper

However, I'm nearly convinced I can't do it here in Oklahoma. The only thing that makes me wonder is, if I'm letting the people and my environment get to me, and just using that as an excuse.

It sounds like an excuse to me. Instead of saying, "I can't do it here in OK" instead say, "I am not yet willing to commit to doing it yet." You can do anything - if you are willing to commit to it and make time for it. It's all right if you are not willing to commit to doing it.

Originally Posted by straysweeper

I also keep thinking how to make peoples lives better. Yet, mostly I come to realize they don't really want to hear it.

This is exactly what I said a few years ago! I was intent on changing others... instead of myself. Here's what I learned, no one will listen to me, unless I've done it myself. I may have good points, I may be correct, but unless I've actually achieved it, no one will listen to me. So I started working on myself. And guess what? People listen to me now! I give relationship advice, career advice, parenting advice, advice about money... and people listen! But that's because, in those areas, I'm honestly coasting along and very happy. (well, maybe not career, since I'm thinking of changing... but my old career, yes)

One thing that really jumped at me and that I try to live by, is that to help others, I must help myself. If I want to make a difference to others, I must work on myself and make sure I'm on the path to living the life I love. People tend to listen to people who have it together. No, I don't ALWAYS have it together, but I can honestly say, there are many aspects of my life that are a 10 (to reference Steve's book). Am I perfect? HELL no, but I work on me, every day, and some days, I am better than others. But my bad days are getting less and less, and my worse days now, are my best days 3 years ago.

It all begins with the choice to change and the commitment to it.