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06-13-2009, 04:05 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: NYC
Posts: 164
 |  Sexual Confusion
The past few months have been very strange for me. Some time in February, I had an epiphany that I had a legit crush on a lesbian friend of mine (i'm a girl btw). This took me back to high school, when I decided/acknowledged that I was bisexual. Although I experimented a little bit in high school, I didn't have my first sexual experience with a woman until I was 19. I was rather put off by it and have since dated men almost exclusively. After I realized how attracted I was to this girl, I decided that that it was time to do some serious thinking about my sexuality. I made the decision that it was best to start being honest about it with people that I met and dated, and I'm slowly beginning to talk more about it with people I already know. In March, I started dating M, a guy who I got really excited about (we had a lot in common, he was cute, perfect on paper, etc.). He ended up being a total dud: extremely sexually dysfunctional, shockingly unknowledgeable about women and stubborn about it, and completely unwilling to communicate. A few other red flags made me realize that I was dating a guy who was in serious denial about his own sexuality, and I dumped him a month after we started dating. Although the experience taught me some important lessons and completely changed the way I approach dating, It's also left me a bit shell shocked, so to speak. I wouldn't necessarily say that it was a traumatic experience, but in its wake I have become strangely asexual and distant. It's normal for me to be voluntarily single after a breakup, but before long I am ready to jump back in the proverbial pool. For the past month and a half, I have been totally disinterested in dating anyone. The experience with M got me pretty fed up with men in general, and made me think even more about my rekindled interest in women. Unfortunately, I have absolutely no clue how to go about meeting these women, and so have stuck to hanging out with guys. Recently, I've been hanging out with a guy, N, who is obviously interested in me. He's pretty wonderful and I am attracted to him, but I just can't get into it. He tried to put the moves on me last night, but I got really tense and clammed up...it was like my body was disobeying my brain, which was down to party. It feels like I've reverted back to my virginal ways. In my head, there's a voice constantly reminding me that I want a woman, and I can't make it go away...and I'm not going to get rid of this itch until I scratch it. But I'm terrified of going in that direction and totally unsure where to start. Also, the prospect of having to tell my family makes me very uncomfortable. I have a very, very hard time lying about things or keeping things in. it makes my physically ill to do so. It's already driving me crazy. But I also don't want to speak before I know or am comfortable with what's going on. I like men, dammit! I want boyfriends! I don't want to date women, but feel this otherworldly need to do so. The fact is, I am extremely confused. I've been attracted to women for as long as I can remember, but I'm attracted to men too. I've had many wonderful, life-changing experiences with men...so why I am I suddenly repulsed by them? My one lesbian sexual experience was really unpleasant, so why am I suddenly fantasizing about doing it again? Then there's also the fact that there are components of sex with women which I just cannot get into...but find really hot in theory. Plus I'm just not feeling anybody right now, etc. etc. etc. I could go in circles forever about this stuff. So - I'm REALLY confused about my sexuality. I'm totally overwhelmed, and I'm afraid to talk about it. And I feel helpless to even dip my feet into this world that I know I need to explore. Help? Last edited by ohTen; 06-13-2009 at 04:33 PM. |
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06-13-2009, 04:21 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,235
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i don't know how much advice i can give as a straight woman...except i think all woman have fantasized...if not, at some time had some sexual contact with a woman, even in a very, very small way. i have also known lesbians and i know that contrary to what some people believe they will not put the moves on anyone unwilling...i have also had and have homosexual and bisexual men a friends. i even had a relationship with a man who had much sexual confusion in many ways....but his problem was being very, very dishonest which was hurtful to me others and ultimately himself. so your need for honesty is admirable...that is the first step...maybe you just have to open up more to the people you are attracted to of both sexes and the understanding ones may help you find your way...if you feel such a strong need to explore, than i think you need to do it when you really feel ready...it is the only way you can find out what you really need and want...if you are open to it, i know there are therapists and groups that can specifically deal with this issue...good luck
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06-13-2009, 05:05 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Southwest desert
Posts: 469
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I have a friend who had a straight friend who decided she had a crush on a woman. My friend asked our lesbian (coupled) friends what they thought, and one of them went into a very long lecture on how it's ok to be bisexual and the experience of both worlds etc.. After going on and on about the pros of being Bi, my friend cracked me up when she just said..."I think she's lost in space." It would suck to be lost in space. As a straight woman I am glad I am not confused by both worlds. This is something you should explore. It's good to know how you really feel. If the thought of having sex with a woman turns you off, that says a lot. There are great guys out there, and great women too. You know that! Be open to what comes your way in this situation. A lot of people are turned off by bi's as it opens up a whole other half of the population one might have wonder if their partner is attracted to. It would be hard to think about my partner being attracted to both men and women. I would think it would take a very openminded person to be in a relationship with a bisexual. I really don't know much about this, so take what I have to say with a grain... I've alway had gay friends, but I don't know bi's. It's not a comfort zone for me. For me it's "Lost in space!" |
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06-14-2009, 03:24 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Southwest desert
Posts: 469
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Morning ohTen, With 66 views and 2 replies to your post, i gotta say I just don't think people get the Bi thing. They are either in their bisexual closets or know as little on the subject as I do. People like their boxes. I am straight, I am gay, I am bi puts 2 in the box and is taboo. I meant to let you know I am friends with a gay couple that is very anti bi. These guys would never think of being with a woman! And my lesbian friends would never want to be with a man. (To bad for the straight guys, you know how they try to make em fall.) Anyway, I hope you get some good feedback from someone who is bi or knows more about it. Truly, I think you're straight, but I don't know. |
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06-14-2009, 04:37 PM
| #5 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: France - Japan - Korea
Posts: 3,241
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All I can offer is open arms and a loving heart to you, ohTen, and tell you that it's fine being unsure just as it's fine being gay, just as it's fine rejecting any kind of label. There will be people to love you, listen to you, indentify with you, look up to you no matter what your orientation ends up being. Congrats on asking yourself the right questions, now go ahead and don't be afraid to find the answers. If you want to talk about them with people who can definitely relate, I suggest getting in touch with a local LGBTQ group. If you live in a university town there's probably one on campus. | |
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06-15-2009, 11:49 AM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Mexico City
Posts: 11,168
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Hi, I am bisexual as well, and I am actually ok with it. My first experience with a guy was great. I was in love, it was both our first time, it was great. we had a 3 year long relationship after, and everthing was absolutely great (sexually). After some more relationships with men, I started dating a woman... BIG MISTAKE! Not the fact that I was dating a woman.. but that I was dating this woman (girl). She had some bad issues, was high a lot of the time, wasn´t really my type physically (but I liked her emotionally, so I thought it wouldn´t be a big problem). After sex with her, I decided that maybe I wasn´t bi, but just curious, that I would be ok for a threesome ,but I would stick to men from now on... Second experience with a girl was actually in a threesome.. but I only had eyes for her. I think I actually pushed the guy away of the bed on the ground at some point (we were a little drunk). It was great!! It was one of the sexiest things that I have ever done or felt. So... maybe your first experience was just like mine.. and she just wasn´t any good in bed. It happens. So, I would say, go out to intentionally meetup with women, and try to get a bit more experience before giving up completely. Maybe also examine your own feelings towards sexuallity. You are not being unfair if you have feelings for women to also like men. You can have both! You are allowed both! You can feel whatever you feel, and it is not wrong! |
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06-15-2009, 12:27 PM
| #8 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Nong Seng
Posts: 3,975
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Why not just get excited about this new territory you're starting to explore? It's an adventure that may give you great experiences! I don't know where you live but if it's not too small a place you could find clubs for lesbian women I guess? Call them, explain what it is you're looking for and ask for some support. I bet most people are willing to help you. | |
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06-15-2009, 02:32 PM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: May 2009 Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 989
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Sexuality should be one aspect of a very full basket of aspects in one's life. I find that certain people spend way too much time dwelling, pondering, exploring, experimenting and in essense, overloading their basket with sexuality and sexual issues. It's an imbalance and it should be addressed if the person is to be whole, and healthy. Sexual identity, in this already imbalanced basket, becomes a very confusing problem for some. Being attracted to someone of the same sex does not automatically make one bi-sexual. It makes one open-minded. It's probably more normal than we realize. (In fact, I doubt that bi-sexuality, in and of itself, really exists as a sexual condition. But people love their labels.) I would call it hypersexual. So sexed up that they can easily identify with SEXUALITY no matter the person's gender. Name it bi-sexual if you wish. Slap on your nametag if it makes you happier. Hi! My name is Judy and I am Bi-sexual! What you should be welcoming into your life is that balance where you are finding people that fulfill you. Compliment you. If that is a man, it's a man. If that is a woman, it's a woman. Worry less about what to name yourself sexually and the fact that you found A woman attractive and what your family will think. Fill your life with all kinds of great experiences, give to others, improve yourself, educate yourself and explore your world and let sex be a part of a whole life. Which is what it was meant to be. Another thing is, why do you think you have to make your mind up, right now, about your sexuality? Who cares? If it's become very critical suddenly to do so, it sounds like you like labels. No offense. You have to BE something. Wear it like a badge. All ego crap. Relegate your sexuality to it's rightful place and move on with life. Jennifer |
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06-17-2009, 10:14 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: NYC
Posts: 164
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a few things to clarify: i have found many, many, many women attractive and have been attracted to women longer than i've been attracted to men. this isn't a passing whim or a one-time occurence; it has been an undercurrent in my life since i've had active hormones. that said, i'm definitely not straight. sorry if i didn't clarify that. i guess the problem is that because of one bad experience, an entire side of my identity has been seriously neglected and it's affecting areas of my life that it shouldn't be. also, i'm a pretty free-spirited, guilt-free person and i honestly don't care about labels. i use the word bisexual because i feel it describes me well (i am attracted to both men and women) and is convenient (i'm not going to make a good first impression getting existential with a stranger about my sexual philosophy, which encompasses my spiritual beliefs and world view and would require a ridiculous amount of explanation). I guess is the convenience of labels are also their danger: there seem to be some upsetting underlying assumptions about bisexuals and people who choose to use such labels expressed in this thread. my problem is not that i need to smack a label on how i feel, it's that i don't even understand what i really want to begin with, and it's causing me to mistreat myself and others who i really care about. all i know at this point is that i don't want nothing, but i don't want anything else either. i'm presented with the opportunity to date a guy i've had my eye on for a long time, realize that he's even cooler than i thought, and still don't want to be with him. i maybe have a desire to explore this aspect of myself that i've almost entirely ignored, but am intimidated by the prospect and am not so sure i really want to anyway. every belief i had about what i wanted in a relationship was shattered by the last guy i dated, and i've lost my sexual/dating identity in the process. i've had to reevaluate everything that i thought i wanted in a partner and desired from a relationship. i am really ****ing confused. you probably are too after reading this. thirdly, being attracted to women didn't feel unnatural or wrong to me in any way until i saw that other people didn't think it was normal...fortunately, i don't care much what other people think of what i do, with the exception of my parents. and though they've told me that they love me no matter what, they still make comments that make me think that they might be deluding themselves as to how accepting they really are of the idea. i'm just not looking forward to the day i bring home a girl for my parents to meet. Last edited by ohTen; 06-17-2009 at 10:44 PM. |
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06-17-2009, 10:25 PM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: May 2009 Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 989
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Fair enough. I feel the same way about my parents but it's not me that has the issue. I think it may actually be my sister, but unsure. Now that mom has gone from being a very open-minded esoteric person to "the dark side" (nearly fundamentalist in her beliefs) I don't think my sister has the nerve to speak up. Ever. She will live out her life unfulfilled, partner-wise, and has invited mom to move back in with her. Sad in a way. Jennifer |
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06-18-2009, 10:42 PM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: USA
Posts: 335
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For me, I'm attracted to some women but am pretty sure that for long-term relationships I want the emotional dynamic of being with a man, so while I go to lesbian clubs etc and support gay rights etc, I also avoid getting into ambiguous relationships where I might hurt someone. I also have some other criteria that seems to reliably differentiate possible serious relationships from fleeting attraction- including "geekiness", idealistic ethical principles, introversion, sarcastic yet goofy sense of humor, and a high interest in other cultures and countries... and some criteria that I've found by experience really don't matter to me- such as skin color. (and yes my boyfriend is totally jealous of my celebrity-crush on Rachael Maddow) I guess my point is that over time we all develop a sense of certain traits that matter to us and certain traits that don't, and for you maybe gender just doesn't make a difference in deciding who to date. If it doesn't matter to you internally, then it shouldn't so deeply affect your thought process when making dating decisions- regardless of what culture tells you. I can feel odd/confused when talking about "interracial" relationships abstractly, because each individual's other traits are what mattered to me when choosing to date them, and "race" is not directly relevant to the relationship although it is often an important part of my partner's identity and life experience. Maybe talking about "straight" vs "gay" relationships is equally unhelpful and confusing your thoughts by arbitrarily grouping individuals in a way that doesn't help you narrow down dating choices. If you aren't really into a relationship with a particular guy, then don't date him, but also don't throw out every other man because you decided not to date one of them. I think you'll eventually organically figure out if there's a particular gender that you prefer, or if you're really gender-agnostic. You'll also figure out if the right person comes along for a monogamous relationship, because that individual will overwhelm your feelings about wanting one gender versus the other. Generally I think you should be honest with everyone that you will date around until you feel ready to commit to any one person, and you should find more opportunities to meet possible female lovers so that you don't keep wondering "what if". Last edited by jaamkie; 06-18-2009 at 10:51 PM. |
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06-19-2009, 03:02 AM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: May 2009 Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 989
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Sounds like the makings of a very difficult, complicated life. When I chose my partner, it was based on traits, not sexual preference. He's far from my ideal, sexually. But there are more important things to me than sexuality in a life partner though I personally could be described as a very sex-centric personality. One thing in my life that parallels your comments is that before I chose my LIFEMATE I tried out different men to see if I thought they were worthy. I think you further breaking it down into male and female is an error. You need to have had a satisfactory number of experiences, regardless of gender, number-wise known only to you, before you decide you have sowed enough oats. I know how damaging the idea of the grass being greener elsewhere can be to a relationship. Only you know how many experiences will be enough. Life partner! Sex definitely takes a backseat to other more important traits when choosing a life partner. Sexuality is important but it is far from the most important thing. I knew when I met him that I would marry him. Even though we had never been intimate. Jennifer |
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