Still struggling sometimes after end of LTR

[lisalisa]

I have just spend a lot of the weekend in tears. My ex, left after a relationship of 10 years over 8 months ago. I was devastated. He has been in a relationship with someone else for over 5 months.

I miss him a lot and still think of him daily. I don't know how to turn off those thoughts or feelings. I try and cry the tears out and let it pass. I am concerned though that I am still doing this a lot. I don't believe I am depressed and have seen someone who says I am not.

I just miss him. Our relationship had issues I know. I suggested counselling however he didn't want it.

I really don't understand how his mind works - 2 weeks after he broke up with me, he asked if I wanted to catch up for coffee...um, actually I'm pretty devastated, not ready to 'do coffee' yet. I wanted to talk about things, he was very reluctant to at the time. I stopped contacting him after he told me he was dating again. About 5 months after he left he wanted to talk about what we'd both been going through. I was sceptical. He was seeing someone else. Why would he want to talk now? He wanted me to know it hasn't been easy for him either. He said that sometimes when he misses me a lot and it hurts, he realises the pain he has put me through. OK, I accept and understand that. It's hard to go from 10 years together to not seeing each other at all. But he is dating...he obviously doesn't love me.

He wants to keep in touch but I just don't think casual chit chats help either of us. Maybe it relieves his guilt.

He is someone I never thought I would be in this position with. I have learnt a lot about myself since we broke up. But I still have trouble dealing with it and moving on. I'm not the most social person. I see my friends when I can, but I'm not the best at meeting people. I have made a couple of great friends since our relationship ended, and I think that's because I am more open with people, more myself. I'm doing good things for me like exercising (have lost 10kg) etc, working, studying, but there is this huge hole in my life and I still feel like it's him, not 'someone'.

Any advice?

[drakecatz]

I'm sorry you are going through heartbreak. I don't think "he obviously doesn't love you," I'm sure after 10 years together he always will, but on a different level.

A five month relationship is a long enough time for him to be in love with his new girlfriend. It's more than enough time for "I love yous" to have been spoken. It does sound like he has moved on.

It seems like you are taking care of yourself and you know it is time for something new. At one point in my life I was heartbroken for 4 yrs! I learned the hard way that time does heal all wounds.

Don't let that happen to you. I lost myself in longing, and it brought not to not. The greatest healer is new love. Put yourself out there and you'll have a good chance of finding it. Good luck

[sirkinm]

LisaLisa,

So sad to hear your story. Heartache is one of the most profoundly painful things a person can endure. Then again, a life without it wouldn't be complete -- it's part of the human condition that we experience loss and it feels so bad... I know that's no comfort to you now, especially since it's so intense. 10 years is a long time to grow with someone, and when it's yanked from underneath you, it will take a while before you consistently feel like all is well...

Try not to spend an excessive amount of time commiserating. It sounds like you're moving things along, which is great..

It sounds like he was a bit insensitive and clueless asking you to coffee. Of course he has genuine care for you. However, it's probably best that you two don't maintain any sort of relationship right now, even if you'd both like to. Maybe when you're BOTH in other relationships, you can catch-up and establish a friendship.

Anyway, you have my sympathies, but I trust you'll thrive!

[Ronnock]

I do agree with the above poster, no interaction whatsoever is probably the healthiest thing you can do at the moment. I had a bad break-up not too long ago, granted, it wasn't NEARLY as long as that, so I can't even fathom what you're going through. But I can sympathize with anyone who's in pain.

You need a break, what you're doing at the moment is great, keep doing it, concentrate on you for right now, make new friends (it's hard, but not impossible), bring the originals closer and establish what YOU want in life and what your aspirations are. If one of them is to have a very rewarding relationship with someone, then go for it, life is short, don't waste it wallowing (sorry, that sounded a bit harsh, but I trust that you understood what I intended).

I do agree with the other poster too, time really does heal all wounds, but it can create new ones too and thus is the idea of life. We have good times and we have bad, but it makes us into who we are and we must accept who we are, because if we can't accept who we are, then how can we accept someone else?

My best wishes go out to you and I hope that things start turning for the better. "When you're going through Hell, just keep going."-Winston Churchill.

[Ronnock]

I just realized I meant to state that I too had to not have any type of interaction with my ex until I could come to terms with the result of the relationship and the new course it had taken.

I believe it was the best decision, I still miss her a good deal and will most likely always love her, but like the other poster stated, in a different way.

[ang569]

Sounds to me like you guys were better off together.

[Angela]

Pick up a copy of Paul McKenna's How to Mend Your Broken Heart. It's got lots of very helpful ideas for feeling better quickly.

[joelr]

It takes time to get better, sometimes a long time. Depends on how much you dwell on it. I suffered once through 1 1/2 years of ridiculous pain then 6 months of a self med haze to get the heck away from it as my inner management just wouldn't cut it. I was able to direct some of the bad energy into good use - to spend time every day on self improvement and spirituality at least.