Leaving a bad relationship

[Footballman]

Hi all,

I've been living with someone for a few years while at college. Recently I went through a 'revelation' realising much of my life wasn't what I wanted it to be. Anyway, I lived with someone who I disliked, but having always been a 'nice guy' I just tried to get on with him as best as I could. Obviously getting on with people you don't like takes a lot of adapting, and I found myself constantly biting my lip. I didn't like him because I found him very cynical, judgemental and pompous. It was a relief when I moved out, although holding myself back has become such a habit now.

Before I moved in with this person I was fairly confident, now I've lost so much of that confidence..has anyone else experienced a loss of confidence when having lived with others they don't like? I just want to get back to being myself really. Maybe it's a case of meeting people who I feel comfortable with, and who's company I genuinely enjoy, so that I can steadily begin to function normally.

So what I'm asking is...has this changed me permanently? Will I always have a problem expressing myself now because I have lived with a very cynical person for a long time, or will I be able to 'find myself' again?

Footballman.

[marinik]

Don't worry! You will "change" back into your self if you just let yourself be. Find that old person in you. And do some silly "I completely love, appreciate and forgive myself" things in front of the mirror. I know it sound a bit crazy and shallow at first but it is not. It is not the egoistic kind of love or ritual. It works.

After coming out of such a draining relationship like you years ago I found this in a book - no Internet at the time!!! Imagine So I thought 'what the heck" try it nothing to lose but a few minutes a week. At first is felt so awkward and stupid but then about 10 days into it, it started working....

If this doesn't work... find your thing. It can be EFT, Sedona...NLP...TLT what ever...

Today I am all I wanted to be, and surrounded by some amazing people.

[Orecle]

Originally Posted by Footballman

Hi all,

I've been living with someone for a few years while at college. Recently I went through a 'revelation' realising much of my life wasn't what I wanted it to be. Anyway, I lived with someone who I disliked, but having always been a 'nice guy' I just tried to get on with him as best as I could. Obviously getting on with people you don't like takes a lot of adapting, and I found myself constantly biting my lip. I didn't like him because I found him very cynical, judgemental and pompous. It was a relief when I moved out, although holding myself back has become such a habit now.

Before I moved in with this person I was fairly confident, now I've lost so much of that confidence..has anyone else experienced a loss of confidence when having lived with others they don't like? I just want to get back to being myself really. Maybe it's a case of meeting people who I feel comfortable with, and who's company I genuinely enjoy, so that I can steadily begin to function normally.

So what I'm asking is...has this changed me permanently? Will I always have a problem expressing myself now because I have lived with a very cynical person for a long time, or will I be able to 'find myself' again?

Footballman.

Wat I may say may shock you, but I feel you need and can handle it.

I dont think this experience hampered you, I think it revealed you to yourself.

I dont think you had experiences before where your confidence was truly tested. A fighter can only claim to be good after a good many battles
Its like wen people go on Pop idol and realise they cant sing, and there are much more confident and skilled people out there. The problem is when people claim to be confident or skilled, it is subjective. No objective measure. Then they go on the world stage and get spanked.

The same thing works with true values. I can only claim to be honest ' if when put under extreme financial pressure I can still hold my integrity.

Trial by fire, will always reveal people to themselves. Think you are skilled? Good, go out there against the best. Think you are confident? go int a situation where your values and opinions are disagreed with. If you truely beleive in your self, you will fight for yourself. You will definately wont fold for a cynic who you have no respect for

Alot of nice guys are nice out of fear and obligation, not because the whole heartedly want to be. They just want to get along. This is the type of guy, whose wife would treat him like crap, and openly have an affair in his face (while secretly wishing he grew some nuts)

Whether this is permanently is totally up to you. You can tackle this as slow or fast as you would like. But first you have to really value yourself. The way you value your mum and your family.

If the guy treated your mum, the way he treated you, would you allow it? Its amazing how many people value their loved ones but not themselves.

Listen, even in an intimate relationship, you will sometimes have to fight to assert your values. Everybody has different values and outcomes. It is solely up to you to fight for what is important to. One of the worst things you can do in any relationship is to play the nice guy martyre, then have secret resentment that grows and becomes hard to suppress

Build your confidence

1. be purposeful. Know what you want out of every situation and fight for it. If you and someones purposes clash, then part ways cos someone will end up unhappy. But dont suppress your desires to be nice or accepted. I beleive this is a major contributor to stress

2. Be assertive. This doesnt mean be rude or mean. This means stand up for what you want

3. Be conscious. Be present minded. Notice when people are being negative or funny. the faster you notice, the faster you can get yourself out of toxic situations before you get attached

4. Accept yourself, but at the same time seek to improve.

5. Have integrity. Lack of this is the biggest drainer of confidence. Its like building a mansion of straw and deceiving yourself its steel. When you know your words are not your bond, you cannot defend it. Ever seen a lying politician infront of a tough interviewer, they sweat and stutter (bill oreilly vs one of the freedie mav/fannie mae execs)

[Andy4]

Hi Footballman,

In my experience negative people are never good to be around, they tend to suck the life force out of you and are very hard work for little reward.

I stay away from them at all costs, given half a chance they will bring you down to their level because that is where they feel most comfortable. Unfortunately this will probably make you feel like crap.

The only reason you've got so used to holding back is that more than likely you've never really felt comfortable with this person.

You're confidence will come back, you just need to get this person out of your hair, it's so easy to become indoctrinated by people we love.

In answer to your question you will find yourself again, probably more quickly than you think.

All the best, Andy.

[Footballman]

Thanks for the responses.

Thankyou Marinik, looking in the mirror did help somewhat...I'm a shadow of my former self though - I used to look decent, but now i looked like I was about to cry..until I calmed myself down.

Orecle...I think you are right, it did reveal me to myself..it made me realise that the person inside me deserves to get what they want...if something is hurting me I need to listen and act to change things - something I have avoided all my life. About confidence - I think I am not that confident now you mention it..whenever my values are challenged, I tend to back down..and allow the person to have their say...but inside of me, I don't think they are right...I still think I am right, I just am not prepared to argue. Maybe this is due to a lack of confidence. What is happening to me now, is that I am in the process of change, I think I'm still a nice guy...but I kind of have the attitude..'if someone messes me around, I'll just cut them out' - like I won't deal with them. If a girl/women did have an affair in my face, I would just move on, I don't think I would say much..maybe again this is due to a lack of confidence. You're right about loved ones...I value them and would urge them to not but up with crap, but my whole life revolves around putting up with crap - most things are not as I would like them to be. My family on the other hand, I don't think value me as much, they never have encouraged me to do what makes me happy. With respect to cutting ties, I deactivated my facebook account also, because I don't want contact with the person who's flat I moved out from. Maybe a more confident me, would have just 'removed' them from my friends list.

Andy4, what you say makes complete sense. It was soo energy draining living with someone who I didn't get on with....it was like I could never relax and just be myself..thanks.