Newly wed Father and his Wife...I need help

[ang569]

I really want to do what is in line with truth here and morally right but I am so clouded with emotion, I am having a difficult time. I will try to make this brief and to the point...

My Mother died after a long battle with cancer and my Father was a saint. He was by her side and took really good care of her. My Parents had a really rocky relationship (Dad had many affairs and Mom always took him back), which may be irrelevant here, idk. During the time Mom knew she was dying, she planned her funeral arrangements, and told me her final wishes quite often. One of them being that she did not want to sale her home (which was a very emotional thing for her). She wanted the house to eventually go myself (IF I outlived my Dad), or my daughter. Mom died last February and my Father began dating this lady he had worked with, within 2 weeks. (My Mother also tried to tell me he would be remarried within 6 months, but I always told her, "lets not talk about that.") Ok I am not a child anymore but this was really difficult to swallow, but I felt he deserved to be happy and that this could be his karmic reward for taking such good care of Mom. Anyway, he wanted me to meet her about 4 weeks after she died and I did.
Then Dad told me he wanted to get married. My only request was that he wait until Mother had been gone for at least a year. He obliged and set a date in March. They asked for me and her Son to be in the Wedding and I did. Now, after the honeymoon, they are residing at her home (which is paid for). My Parents lived in my neighborhood, a few doors down and now the house is there with the 3 dogs, (2 of them layed with Mother on the bed until she died and she had them for 12 years), and 3 outside cats. For the last 13 months, either my husband, myself or my daughter have been going down to feed the dogs and let them out while they were out of town or he was working then out with her afterwards. Now, that he is married,it's in the afternoons afterwork, back down for a final outing before bed and all times on the weekends.

I tried taking them home with me. My husband was ill because we already have 2 in the house and one is 90# and a big baby. They all have to be right up under me and one of the females pees on the floor because she's old and nervous. The other one is fine but after observing both places, we feel that they are better together and in their home environment. Plus, it just was not working out where all parties involved were happy and harmonious. I still bring them down a night or two on the weekends though.

Now the 3rd dog is great. She showed up one day, obviously an abused stray who would not even let you touch her. Mom took her in and fed her and now she is fantastic. The next door neighbor is bitching about her barking at 5 a.m so, my Dad wants me to put her in the den at night. I have done this for the last week and I feel like crap about it. She is used to being outside in her lot and now the downstairs smells like piss. I feel bad coaxing this dog in because some jerk next door, who loves to complain, needs to be pacified.

I have asked Dad what he wants to do. He wanted to sell the house but I reminded him of what Mom wanted. Now, I just dont have a clue what to do and I know it is his decision but the downstairs garage is a total mess and me and my husband will be left with the work. My Dad will want to sell it without putting any work into it and take a loss.

I could go on and but I already feel that I have already lost some of you.
I just dont know what to do.

Please help me out here. Thanks for reading.

[James81]

The issue isn't with the house. It's with the dogs.

I understand that it's annoying that a neighbor complains, but you have to recognize where the neighbor is coming from. A dog barking a 5 AM would be enough to drive anyone nuts.

It honestly sounds to me like taking care of these dogs has become too much of a burden. IMO, I think you should see if there is anybody who will take them.

[aggie]

you didn't lose me...i can relate on a number of levels...the dogs are a problem, but not the only one...it is more about living life within boundaries and compromises for a long period of time...your mother did it, your father did it and now you and your family and the dogs are doing it...no faults here, just facts...now your mom is gone and dad wants to go on with his life and if that means ignoring the dogs and selling the house, so be it. the animals had a deep bond with your mom, now she is gone and they are feeling the change in more ways than some humans give them credit for...they are confused and they are kind of at the mercy with what hte humans will ultimately do with them...they need to try to be placed somewhere that they will get attention an love. i am an animal lover and have been in situations where human relationships and pet bonds don't always work out together and something usually ends up being ignored or suffering for it. you also, i think need some relief from all the changes you and your family has had to endure...it is difficult trying to be understanding for your father and his wife and honoring your mom's wishes, and being kind to the animals...maybe the best way for you to go on is to find homes for the pets and let your dad sell the house....my prayers are with you.

[emeadow]

I would think that no matter what, your mother would have wanted both you and the dogs to be happy in the end. She found joy and comfort in the house, and she wanted to pass that feeling on to you. She found love and happiness in her dogs, and vice versa, her dogs found the same in their relationship with her.

From the sound of it, you have two situations that are not bringing either party still here on earth any joy.

The house sounds like it might be more a source of guilt and obligation at this point. If the house does not bring you the comfort that it brought your mother, then I would say let it go. Releasing the burden would probably make your mother more happy then holding on to it. If no one is living there, I can imagine over time, the burden of taking care of an unoccupied home will grow exponentially. Was the intent of the request more about a physical object, or more to take care of her loved ones later on? I suspect part of the request was to ease her own mind before passing as she was quite attached to the house, and if that is the sole reason, then it is definitely time to let go.

The other issue would be the dogs. They are pack animals, and with the loss of your mother and no one living there, they are truly in need of another pack to live with. Either in your home, or with someone who will care for them in their senior years. If they found happiness in another family or rescue facility, I would think that would bring more peace to your mom then them staying 'in the family' per say. You might check into rescues in your local area and find out what services they have for senior or special needs animals. It is harder to home dog with say bladder problems, but there might be some alternatives that will allow them a more secure feeling/environment. I personally believe dogs are less connected to objects (the house), and more connected to energy and the balance around them. Moving to a more balanced loving environment would benefit them more in the long run. Animals have a great ability to live in the moment, no matter what the age. Even if they are blind, they will adjust to the new environment in a short period of time, and move forward.

Just my thoughts from an outside perspective. Best of luck in your decisions!

[SimonaRich]

I know you are confused but try to really understand what feels right to you. Nobody else can decide for you, because nobody knows what's best for you but you. Try to be for at least a day alone in a very calm environment to really relax into the present moment and this way you will be able to see things clearly and get the answers to your questions.

[drakecatz]

I can really relate to your problem! My life has changed, and I need to find a home for my ex husband's dog. I love this dog and it is heartbreaking..but not nearly as bad as leaving him alone as much as I have to.

I am trying to find him a home. We have a no kill shelter with a month and a half wait!
The guilt is overwhelming, but my dog will be much happier with a family.

I spoke with a counselor and she agreed. She said sometimes we just need someone to tell us it is OK to let go if we cannot properly care for our animals anymore. This experience has caused me so much stress! My life has become all about worrying about my dog, but most of all it's the guilt!

I am passing these words on to you. It is OK to let go! Check with your shelter, run an ad, find homes for your Mother's dogs and cats. This all sounds like it's way too much! You need your life back, and they need happy homes.

P.S. Your Dad should be helping you too. What's up with that?

[ang569]

Thanks for everyone's input on the situation. I am really trying to keep this up without feeling like it is a burden. I guess this has made me realize that I am a little more selfish than I realized.

At this point, I am going to do one of the following:

a. Put a fence in the backyard and move them in with me, giving them, my husband and my dogs a bit longer for the adjustment process.

b. Find a good home for them. Although I really doubt I will be able to do this for many reasons. I agree that it sounds good and there is nothing wrong with this but the aftermath of this would not be something that I would be proud of.

Thanks again everybody!

[funchy]

Originally Posted by ang569

Now the 3rd dog is great. She showed up one day, obviously an abused stray who would not even let you touch her. Mom took her in and fed her and now she is fantastic. The next door neighbor is bitching about her barking at 5 a.m so, my Dad wants me to put her in the den at night. I have done this for the last week and I feel like crap about it. She is used to being outside in her lot and now the downstairs smells like piss. I feel bad coaxing this dog in because some jerk next door, who loves to complain, needs to be pacified.

Dogs are social animals. If they're locked outside all night, they're probably not too happy. Barking loud enough to wake up the neighbors is a sign of anxiety/boredom/unhappiness. Instead of blaming neighbor for asking for a break from the barking, why not address the real problem: why your dog is locked outside. IMO I don't think someone is a jerk for wanting to sleep in past 5am each morning.

Talk to your father about the dog situation. Or move somewhere that all your dogs can come, and then you can control when they go in and out.

I don't think you'll find any of the dogs a good home, now that they're adults. If they go to a shelter, keep in mind the kill rates at public shelters is about 60%. The elderly one will definitely be put down. As horrible as it sounds, it would be easier on the dogs if you had them put down since they know you and your vet. They don't need to be fretting for days or weeks, away from everyone they've ever known, waiting for their turn to be euthanized. If you can't bear to know your pets were put down, the answer is to move them to your home. (I work doing animal rescue and it's an issue close to my heart)

You do not need a fence to own a dog. Think of their walks on a leash as exercise for you, a chance to get out of the house, and other positive things.

I have asked Dad what he wants to do. He wanted to sell the house but I reminded him of what Mom wanted. Now, I just dont have a clue what to do and I know it is his decision but the downstairs garage is a total mess and me and my husband will be left with the work. My Dad will want to sell it without putting any work into it and take a loss.

To dad, cleaning the garage is not a priority. To you, it is. But the bottom line is that it's dad's house. If dad loses some money at the time of sale, he's losing his money not yours. Try not to worry so much about what dad should be doing.

In short, dad's refusal to change how he cares for the dogs or the house isn't really something you could or should control. The house will just sell for less money. The dogs will suffer if ignored though, so why not move them to your house.

[aggie]

i agree that a lot of this is out of your control...you will never be able to really get on with your life and your family until you realize there are certain irrevocable changes...most of it is your dad's business and concern unless he asks for your help or your opinion...the dogs are another issue...i know what is like to have to make life adjustments because of pets...and except in extreme or unexpected circumstances...imo, if you take on the responsiblility of that basically innocent, dependent life...you have to think, and try long and hard...there are some no kill shelters who try really hard to find homes...if a dog is elderly, i don't think death should be the only option...but if the animal is really unplaceable, or may be ignored, unloved....that is still a tough call