commitment issues - how do you get over them?

[Enrim]

Hi Everybody and thank you for reading my thread.

Lately I've been getting into the same situation over and over again, and every time it happens, it scares me so much I nearly have panic attacks. The problem is - anytime a guy likes me, and he expresses the feelings - I just want to run run run and hide. Of course, not from just any guy, it is from guys that i actually have feelings for as well. The last two examples are:

1. I've been involved with a guy for over a year - but it is a non-committment, nothing serious type-a thing. He is someone I look up to, I do have feelings for him and I think he is an amazing individual, but every time he says ANYTHING that has anything to do with being more serious, I lose it completely. I just want to run and hide. I forget that I had any kind of feelings for him and just never want to see him again. My reaction is very strong, and I am at my wits end as to how to solve this problem... however, I haven't seen that guy for a while and that's when example #2 came in:

2. I met a guy and it seemed like we had a connection going, I liked him very much, I thought he was very interesting, very strong, very sweet, very smart person. But then he asked me out, and that was... well... the end of it. I freaked out so much and completely sabotaged everything that could have happened. I am trying to take it easy on myself, to understand that I have issues that I need to work on and beating myself for it is not going to help, but I just can't help but feel horrible for what happened, knowing it is all my fault. I tried to do some research on how people get over the commitment issues, but all I came up with was how happy single people were, and that they really don't need all of the problems that come along with relationships... not much help. I talked to a friend of mine and he did help me to at least start getting out of the funk and look at the real problem, but I feel so overwhelmed that I don't even know where to start solving it. I've been meditating a lot, journaling, talking about it, trying to get to the bottom of it, but so far it's been very little progress. I still feel pretty awful. Are any of you, commitment phobes, out there? How did you get over it? What are your experiences?

I just want to see a bigger picture and put everything in perspective. I want to learn from this, I am searching for answers within, but it helps to see what other people say as well. I need help.

Thanks again.

[funchy]

Usually people who flee commitment have a deep-rooted fear of rejection. He can't reject, abandon, dump, or cheat on you, if were never officially his. It may also tie into feelings of your own insecurity because if you doubt your self worth, you may always be asking 'why is he with me' or 'he's just going to leave me'. These are deep issues and I don't think you can fix them with a thread on an internet forum.

You've got two options. If you don't feel any other reason to commit, you can wait it out. Maybe in time, the fear feelings will fade and you'll be more ready to give it a try. Or the other option is you can explore these topics with a professional therapist/counselor.

[Liminal Chris]

I am kind of in the same, but opposite situation. I am basically the guy in scenario #1 to this other girl, at least from my best interpretations of our situation.

Anyways, I guess I come to you with a question: Is there anything a guy could do to ease your fears or is it totally and 100% a "you" issue?

[thirial]

hi Enrim,

yesterday i created a thread on the same issue "Fear of Engfulment" (the polar opposite to Fear of Abandonment) but for the sake of brevity i'll delete it and repost it here because i believe we aren't alone in our peculiar behaviour traits if it has a technical term :P

------------
Hi guys,

a while ago i was reading on another forum a thread about comitmaphobes and came across the term "fear of engulfment" and after reading the quote below realised it describes me to a tee:

they are not mutually exclusive........fear prevents any form of commitment. the fear usually comes from childhood and childhood experiences with parents, relationships merely trigger those fears.

you typically come up with excuses like she isn't good looking enough or there is someone better or there isn't any spark, or we are not mentally on the same page etc etc. Over time, you build up dozens of excuses and defences for either avoiding relationships or sabotaging them when you do actually get into one. Many times, people will get into relatonships with 'unavailable' or 'difficult' partners because they know that the likelihood of a long term future is low, therefore subconsciously they already have their exit strategy planned. when the fear kicks in, your feelings shut down and you start feeling 'confused' about whether you like that person or not, eventualy leading to break up. To his friends and family, the guy comes across as someone who is fussy or a player or 'not ready to settle down' when in fact, fear is what is driving his inability to have a healthy relationship.

now that i know that some of my behaviours can be attributed to fear of engulfment i'm determined to work through it (while i'm still young and my mind is malluable) but it would be great to get some advice from this community so here is a bit of a backstory on me: i went to six different primary schools so i learnt from a very young age to only rely on myself and to never let anyone get too close because whenever i made a friend my parents would pack up and move. rather than resent my childhood i have come to embrace it because it has made me who i am; a much stronger person than most people my age, i can easily adapt to change and have the charisma to move in and out of any social group irrespective of age or culture but in terms of long term relationships its a disaster :lol:

my longest relationship was with an Ecuadorian girl for six months and she opened me up alot although i think the reason why it worked for so long was because of the language barrier (my spanish is great but there's always that barrier) and i had that added safety blanket of a set time limit before i had to leave the country.

i have very specific tastes and standards with women and unfortunately most Australian girls can't live up to these impossibly high standards! :/ Right now i'm learning Portuguese so i'm after a smart, attractive, funny, Brazilian girl and fortunately there are tonnes of them here in Sydney

I like being single and independent way too much (or perhaps more accurately, i fear being engulfed?) and i find myself using "exit strategies" before things even get started "she's hot smart, funny, and really into me so why don't i feel anything? perhaps its for the best, i don't want to hurt her by giving her the wrong idea and then have to break up with her, besides who knows where i will be in six months?"

this mental backchater is really irritating and i've been trying to keep it under control by being in the moment but even then i find that i turn off emotionally and can become cold and distant whenever i start feeling engulfed

so has anyone else here suffered from Fear of Engulfment and has overcome it and is able to pass on some advice? Or perhaps realised from reading the quote above that they exhibit similar symptoms? (they say once you have identified it thats 50% of the problem solved) and wishes to share there story

thanks in advance