Long Distance Relationship issues and loonnng story

[magenta]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. The reason I searched out a group, was to tell you all my story and perhaps get some help with the mindset I'm creating now.

Here's my story:

Back in 1974, I was 17 and madly in love with someone who was 24. He was Italian and didn't speak much English. How we "connected", I don't know, but we did.

My first job was at a local drycleaners, and he used to wait until "My Eyes Adored You" came on the radio and then he'd call me at work and hold the phone to the radio for me to hear. He gave me a necklace once, too. I gave it to my mother to save for me and just within the last few years, she lost it or misplaced it or something. We can't find it anywhere.

Well, his older brother didn't like that we were dating and my parents didn't either as I was still in high school and he was already out of school. So, we snuck around when we could, but my parents influence just made it impossible, so we broke up. I heard he went back to Italy, so I just figured it was over and he was gone.

Now, life went on and about a year or so later, I was hanging out with my friends, when a green VW bug stopped at the stop sign and the driver, wearing sunglasses, kept staring at me. I had no idea who it was, but he drove around the block and came around to the stop sign again. This time he lowered his glasses and I realized it was HIM! Before I could even say anything or motion to him, he drove off and that was the last time I ever saw him.

I have been looking for him ever since. 34 years of searching finally brought me to this past month when I found him! I suddenly realized that all these years, I was wishing and hoping and yearning...and I needed to KNOW that I would find him. And sure enough, within 2 months of changing my feelings/attitudes, I found him. I wasn't sure if it was him, but I found a reference on the Internet about a restaurant in another state that had his name listed as the owner. I called the number and left a message for him to return my call. He called and it was him! We now had the opportunity to talk about everything we couldn't before. We reminisced about everything. He told me things I never knew, like how he kept tabs on me for a year and a half after we had split up. He told me once I had this horrible haircut and how he hated how I started to dress and how he hated my father for divorcing my mother at that time, as he saw me go a little wild. (which he was right...I did.)

I reminded him of the times he used to call me at work and play a song on the radio for me, and he started singing "My Eyes Adored You" on the phone! After all these years he still remembered. And he said he always thought of me when he heard it. Me too. (I have it on my iPod!)

After 3 weeks of phone calls 6 or 7 times a day, he told me that he had to see me. He flew here for 3 days back at the end of April and we had such a wonderful time together. We drove around town and pointed out places where we used to meet, he kissed me beneath the tree where we almost "did it", he fed me while dining out...it felt like a dream come true to me!

Then, he went back and I feel like a piano fell on me. The phone calls have not been so frequent (once a day now), the amazing sparks seem to have diminished...and I'm a mess. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, and sometimes I succeed, but sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm down in the dumps about it. I want to get back together with him. I'm picking up vibes, though, that he doesn't. But he's the one who calls ME...so then again, I'm thinking that if he's calling, then he cares, right?

I'm about to get a divorce after 15 years of marriage. No, it's not cuz of HIM...this has been coming for a long, long time and it's a good thing on my end of things. This just happened at the right time. HE even gave me the money for the divorce. He said he wants me to have what I want. He also said that he doesn't want anyone to think that it was because of HIM that I'm even getting the divorce. I assured him he had nothing to do with it. It was coming long before I ever found him.

On HIS end of things: he's still married, unhappy and separated for the last 17 years.

So...I realize I should be wanting my ideal mate...but I'm constantly thinking it's HIM I want. I know I will never lose contact with him ever again...even if we end up just friends...but I can't get the thoughts out of my head that I want HIM and when I'm not forcing myself to think positive, I'm sad that it might not happen.

He can't leave where he is right now, and I can't either. I have a 14 year old son that I won't take out of school, as I feel he needs stability and consistency with friends and his roots. So, he won't even be 18 for another 4 years.

Where oh where do I go with this? Like I said, most of the time, I'm sad inside and I hate that. I'm normally a very outgoing happy-go-lucky kind of person. Oh, I'm still that when I'm at work and around people, but when I get myself alone...the sadness reappears.

I want this so much to happen. Can it? Should it? Should I continue to think positive or am I just kidding myself? Is there a point where I should just concentrate on something else? Am I sabotaging it happening because I'm thinking sad and negative?

I must be thinking like a nutball. I KNOW I have to think of my ideal mate, whoever it turns out to be, and to NOT dwell on a person, but a thought...an idea. I know what to do, really I do, but I'm NOT DOING IT!

HELP!

Thanks for reading this.

Magenta

[magenta]

Wow. No responses at all? Is it my breath?

[aelle]

I remember reading you very convoluted story when you first posted it and not knowing what to do of it. No one but you can know what you feel, and take decisions regarding this situation. Actually, from what you say you have already taken your decision as you won't leave your son or uproot him.

Long distance relationships can and do work - I am in one myself and have participated in several threads about them. Somehow though, I don't think that's the advice you are looking for. Tell us what you expect from us here. I'd love to help you, but so far, can't see how.

[ssandra]

I wish you all the luck in this situation.

It is difficult to have a long distance relationship, but think of it this way... you have waited already 34 years... what are 4 more years until your son goes to college?

[magenta]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I wish you all the luck in this situation.

It is difficult to have a long distance relationship, but think of it this way... you have waited already 34 years... what are 4 more years until your son goes to college?

You've got a point! I guess I'm "what if'ing" myself and being impatient. Now that I've found him...what if something happens to him? what if something happens to me?

I'm being SO Junior High!

I've been lonely within my 15 year marriage, so finding him just feels so good, that it's hard to let go and be patient to see if a relationship can even BE again. But I think it will. I have a feeling inside that's telling me it'll happen...but oh the waiting!

I'm not even sure what I want from this forum. Just a place to get my thoughts out, I suppose. Just to be heard.

Thank you for responding. At least I know it's not my breath. ;-)

[magenta]

Originally Posted by aelle

I remember reading you very convoluted story when you first posted it and not knowing what to do of it. No one but you can know what you feel, and take decisions regarding this situation. Actually, from what you say you have already taken your decision as you won't leave your son or uproot him.

Long distance relationships can and do work - I am in one myself and have participated in several threads about them. Somehow though, I don't think that's the advice you are looking for. Tell us what you expect from us here. I'd love to help you, but so far, can't see how.

Very convoluted. Hmmm. Sorry 'bout that. So much to say, so little time.

I guess I just want someone to tell me to keep thinking positive...keep the good vibes emanating and to not get down in the dumps over fictitious negative thoughts that might or might not happen. When I'm feeling down, I just want someone to tell me to stop it and that everything will be okay and not to panic.

There. I helped myself.

Thank you for responding. I appreciate that.

[nhaasch]

Wow.

This story touched me.

I'm not sure what all to say. I think I'll let my mind just let something flow out even though it may not be a well constructed response.

The biggest thing that comes to my mind is that it feels as if you walk a fine a line in how you manage this relationship and the rest of your life. Your tight connection to this relationship could be seen as quite irrational. It has the capacity to completely change your life and who knows where you might follow it?

In truth I'm not thinking too much about your relationship and instead my own experiences with a current relationship of mine. I'm astounded by the thoughts and images in my head that demonstrate the possibilities of the relationship. It's irrational. I've taken actions that would look quite foolish to some and will continue to actions that look foolish. It's difficult for me to explain besides simply to say I want this person.

My heart makes decisions in life and I follow them. To be honest, I'm not sure of the wisdom of this approach. While I adore following the desires of my heart it has equally brought me it's fair share of challenges. Is it a test of faith to see if I'll follow my heart?

[Lauxa]

What I wouldn't have given to move to Europe when I was 14! The adventure! The excitement! The opportunity to learn a new language and a new culture!

Have you talked to your son about it? I wouldn't automatically assume that he'd be against the idea.

And after he graduates high school... then what? You will want to be around to offer "moral support" during college, for him to come and visit during holidays and such, no? Then he will be graduating, getting married, you'll want to be close to the grandbabies... etc... Whereas if you go now maybe he'll meet a nice Italian girl.

[magenta]

My heart has always been something I was taught NOT to follow. I'm supposed to use my head...and that's where I think (since reading a lot about Quantum Physics, Law of Attractions, The Power of Now, etc.) I've gone wrong all these years.

After my parents made us break up, I dated another guy for about 4 months, and again, I thought maybe this could be "the one". Now, don't forget, I was only 17 when this all happened.

After the 2nd guy broke up with me, I was devastated and vowed to God Almighty that I would NEVER EVER love any man ever again. It was too hurtful when it didn't work out. BUT, the first guy was always in my heart. Geeze, for 34 years he was there in my heart! And I have never EVER loved another man. I'm serious. My first marriage was when I was 19, that lasted for almost 10 years. No love involved. Friendship and partying? Yup. But *I* was in control. If I wasn't vulnerable, then nobody could hurt me, right?

Then, I divorced him because he wouldn't stop partying, and to me, it wasn't fun anymore.

I then lived with the next guy off and on for 7 years. THAT was a disaster.

After that, I met a guy online (before it was trendy!) and moved halfway across the US to meet him. No attraction, but he was kind, he was nice and he was SAFE. He kept me safe for 15 years. Now I've come to the conclusion that SAFE isn't what I was meant to be. I'm 52 and I don't want to waste whatever time I have left. I want someone to love me. I want to love someone back. I want someone who "gets me", ya know?

And here comes the first guy I ever loved back again.

Are you starting to see what I see?

Foolish? Yup, I think that too. Am I? But so what, right? We really shouldn't care if we look foolish. We shouldn't be worrying about what other people think. They don't know our hearts like we do, right? If our hearts are telling us to do something, then maybe we oughta listen. Even if our actions don't turn out like we'd like them to, I'm sure there's a deeper reason for it. I don't think our hearts would lie to us. But our minds (ego) will.

Irrational? Nah. Obsessive? Maybe!

[magenta]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

What I wouldn't have given to move to Europe when I was 14! The adventure! The excitement! The opportunity to learn a new language and a new culture!

Have you talked to your son about it? I wouldn't automatically assume that he'd be against the idea.

And after he graduates high school... then what? You will want to be around to offer "moral support" during college, for him to come and visit during holidays and such, no? Then he will be graduating, getting married, you'll want to be close to the grandbabies... etc... Whereas if you go now maybe he'll meet a nice Italian girl.

Actually, it's not Europe, it's just another state in the US. And I also wouldn't want to take him that far away from his father after we divorce.

But thanks for the support! I lived in the same town from 2nd grade up until I graduated, and I wouldn't change that for the world. I have close friends from elementary school thru high school and my class reunions are a BLAST! I want my son to be able to have that same nostalgia for his school, his town, etc. He might not appreciate it now, but one day he will. I think. I hope!

Hey, lots can happen between then and now, right? :-)

[drakecatz]

Aw true love! I am also in my 50's and the love of my life happened at age 33. Sometimes you just know.

Clearly you are not willing to move, and your guy has his own restaurant in his town. I wanted to move when my son was 15, and was surprised at my son's willingness to go. It competely changed his life as will as mine. Maybe your childs path is someplace new.

I am wondering what is up with the 17 year separation from your guys wife? Is he Catholic and not going to ever get a divorce? How close is he with his wife? He gave you money for your divorce and didn't mention getting one himself?

It might be time to ask him the tough questions like that and find out what his thoughts and intentions are toward you so you will know where you stand! I know sometimes we don't ask questions we need to as we fear the possible rejection, but I would do so with him.

I would write down everything you want to know, it will help you know how you're really feeling, then you can go from there.

It really is best to know! Good luck!

[nhaasch]

Originally Posted by magenta

Foolish? Yup, I think that too.

I've grown an appreciation for the fool. The fool is the only one capable of seeing something that no one else(or very few people) can see. Someone was once called a fool for believing the world was flat. Now, who was the real fool?

[magenta]

Originally Posted by drakecatz

Aw true love! I am also in my 50's and the love of my life happened at age 33. Sometimes you just know.

Clearly you are not willing to move, and your guy has his own restaurant in his town. I wanted to move when my son was 15, and was surprised at my son's willingness to go. It competely changed his life as will as mine. Maybe your childs path is someplace new.

My son wants to move to the UK! LOL He's into his "British" phase, I guess. He's even loving rainy days...not MY cup of tea, that's for sure! (although I DO love tea! LOL)

I've casually mentioned it, but he doesn't want to move to a place that's sunny all the time. Boy, I sure do.

I am wondering what is up with the 17 year separation from your guys wife? Is he Catholic and not going to ever get a divorce? How close is he with his wife? He gave you money for your divorce and didn't mention getting one himself?

Well, I guess there really wasn't a reason to. Yes, he's Catholic, but I don't think he's devout. He told me he wished he had done it 15 years ago, but he let it go. Now, he knows that he'll lose half of everything, and he doesn't mind that, he said he doesn't want to lose more than that, though. His youngest is 17 and he doesn't want to divorce until she's 18.

He hadn't been bothering much with the wife, although she had come into the restaurant to work and he put her on the payroll, so that when the divorce comes around, he can show that she's able to work. But now she has breast cancer and he said he's trying to at least be nice to her because of that. He's not interested in her in any other respect. He told me she's a wonderful mother, but a terrible wife. Her last chemo was last week and she got very, very sick and this week the doc saw something in her colon, so I'm not sure where they're at with that. I feel awful for her, and I hope for their children's sake that she gets better. She's scheduled for surgery sometime this month to take out the breast tumor. I was going to fly down to see him, but I don't want to go while this is all going on. Things need to settle down first. I don't want to complicate things for him right now.

He told me he's retained 3 of the toughest lawyers in town so that she can't retain them. So, he's working on it.

It might be time to ask him the tough questions like that and find out what his thoughts and intentions are toward you so you will know where you stand! I know sometimes we don't ask questions we need to as we fear the possible rejection, but I would do so with him.

I would write down everything you want to know, it will help you know how you're really feeling, then you can go from there.

It really is best to know! Good luck!

He told me he was so happy I found him, and that we need to get to know each other again. Who we were back then, isn't totally who we are now. Fundamentally, I believe we're the same...but 34 years of life experiences does change a person. So, being 1000 miles away is going to take time to get to know each other. I know this will take time, but patience isn't one of my virtues! Although I'm attempting to cultivate it in myself now.

He'll be getting his birthday package from me today via UPS, so I can't WAIT until he gets it. One of the items I had commissioned someone on etsy.com to make for me. It consists of 34 beads, each one represents a birthday of his that I missed over the 34 years when I didn't know where he was, along with a quote engraved on sterling silver that reads: Look For The Dream That Keeps Coming Back...It Is Your Destiny.

Also, since finding him, the word "destiny" keeps showing up for me in various ways.

That means a LOT!

Are you still with the love of your life?

Thank you so much for your response!

[drakecatz]

Hi Magenta,..Wow there is a lot going on in his life. It's interesting his youngest is 17 and close to leaving the nest. Count your blessing there.

I know of one other couple who has stayed married and have been separated for 25 yr's. I don't understand it at all. There are so many ties unbroken. How can either party find someone new to love and move on with their lives when they are still married to eachother? No one wants to date a married person. I just don't get it.

The couple I mentioned are still very much in eachothers life as well. That also seems to be the pattern. I wonder how couples like this react when there finally is someone else in the picture. Has your guy or his wife dated others during all these years of separation?

From what you have said, it is clear he is afraid she will take him to the cleaners if there is a divorce. She also seem very dependant on him. She works for him, has no career of her own, he's involved with her health issues, etc..

I believe in destiny too. It seems possible that the universe might have other plans for his wife..... (Sorry, had to say it.)

I have to wonder if she would be open to him having someone to love?

Clearly it is not a time for visits or actions. I would suggest enjoying your phone visits, and when you have questions ask them so you can relieve the what if's.

Your b-day gift sounds beautiful. I'll check out the web-site.

Keep posting. I think there is a lot that will unfold here.

No I am not with the love of my life. That's another story.

[magenta]

Originally Posted by drakecatz

Hi Magenta,..Wow there is a lot going on in his life. It's interesting his youngest is 17 and close to leaving the nest. Count your blessing there.

I know of one other couple who has stayed married and have been separated for 25 yr's. I don't understand it at all. There are so many ties unbroken. How can either party find someone new to love and move on with their lives when they are still married to eachother? No one wants to date a married person. I just don't get it.

I guess they think that since they're apart, there's no difference, it's just a formality to them...but really, we know it's not. Of course there is the financial aspect, but most people have no idea that their whole demeanor would change if the marriage was officially ended. Oh well.

The couple I mentioned are still very much in eachothers life as well. That also seems to be the pattern. I wonder how couples like this react when there finally is someone else in the picture. Has your guy or his wife dated others during all these years of separation?

I don't know. I asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said no. I didn't ask if he had ever seen anyone while he was separated. I get the feeling he hasn't...at least not anyone seriously. As for her, I don't know. Again, I get the feeling of no.

From what you have said, it is clear he is afraid she will take him to the cleaners if there is a divorce. She also seem very dependant on him. She works for him, has no career of her own, he's involved with her health issues, etc..

Actually, she had been a nurse. I don't know for how long she's been out of that field. I know he said she never wanted to work at the restaurant and that used to make him mad, as he was trying very hard to make a good living for the family. He gave her a good life (he said to me) and he always felt she didn't appreciate what he did for the family. He met her when she was on welfare and had a 1 year old daughter, whom he adopted. So he saved her from maybe having a hard life. He feels very unappreciated.

I believe in destiny too. It seems possible that the universe might have other plans for his wife..... (Sorry, had to say it.)

That same thought came into my head, too, but I really hope she comes out of this relatively healthy. I mean, that would hurt those kids terribly. Whether he wants to admit it or not, it would hurt him too.

I have to wonder if she would be open to him having someone to love?

I have no idea. But I can't help but think that if she knew me, and knew that her time here was limited, she could know that I would support him doing anything for those kids. He has a son from someone else in my state, that he had me meet when he was here. His wife never wanted him to see the boy, as she said he "didn't raise him so he's really not your son". He has had to sneak to see the son. That's horribly selfish. No matter what the circumstances, that little boy didn't ask to be born and he deserves to know his father. I get the feeling that the wife is the jealous type. But then again, if he cheated on her when they were dating and got this other woman pregnant, I guess I could understand her feelings a little bit. But to not allow him to see the son? That's just wrong.

Clearly it is not a time for visits or actions. I would suggest enjoying your phone visits, and when you have questions ask them so you can relieve the what if's.

Your b-day gift sounds beautiful. I'll check out the web-site.

Keep posting. I think there is a lot that will unfold here.

No I am not with the love of my life. That's another story.

He's got a lot on his plate right now, but I know that at the very worst, we'll always be friends. Of course, I want more than that at this point, but I will put out the good thoughts and vibrations and the Universe will respond.

Aww..you're not with that person? I'm all ears if ya wanna talk about it.

Talk soon,
Magenta

[drakecatz]

Hi Magenta, I need to teach myself to reply with quote, but in the mean time this is it.

If these two were divorced they would both be freely dating and would have been for years. As with the couple I am aquainted with they don't do that and still speak in terms of husband and wife. It's more than a formality, it's still a marriage and they act like it, except they don't hang out together, and they don't live together.

It doesn't sound like he has told her about you, which after all this time of separation he should feel free to do. It's odd. Maybe I am more curious than you about how all of this works, but if I were you I would ask him.

I would say something like, "So you've been separated 17 yr's, did you both agree it's ok to date other people?" Did you agree to tell each other if you did?" Stuff like that. Just tell him you're curious how it all works.

In my opinion it's the most important thing to know and I would find out! You have a right to know for your own peace of mind. Then again I know this is what would bother me the most, and I'm not you, so just take it as my opinion.

Let me know what you think! I hope it's going well for you.

[magenta]

You're right. Those are excellent questions to ask. I will do that next time I speak to him. (Probably tomorrow sometime.)

I'll let ya know.

[marinik]

Originally Posted by magenta

You're right. Those are excellent questions to ask. I will do that next time I speak to him. (Probably tomorrow sometime.)

I'll let ya know.

Dear Magneta maybe it has a lot to do with his Italian Catholic upbringing. But do you know him really or you know your dream about the life you would have with him?

I have been in a LDR with the most wonderful real!!! man with whom I wouldn't live for more than 10 minutes! So take the time to get to know this man of your dreams, spend the 4 years preparing in an exciting way.... or just do something and go to this town where he is if he wants this. As for your son... kids adapt very quickly. It is your life. I have 4 of them and they are my treasure but they have all left and have their lives. I have at least another 25 (if I look at my parents) so ... thing about it. Not saying you be selfish just take care of you first to be able to take care of others.

Love m

[magenta]

Originally Posted by drakecatz

Hi Magenta, I need to teach myself to reply with quote, but in the mean time this is it.

If these two were divorced they would both be freely dating and would have been for years. As with the couple I am aquainted with they don't do that and still speak in terms of husband and wife. It's more than a formality, it's still a marriage and they act like it, except they don't hang out together, and they don't live together.

It doesn't sound like he has told her about you, which after all this time of separation he should feel free to do. It's odd. Maybe I am more curious than you about how all of this works, but if I were you I would ask him.

I would say something like, "So you've been separated 17 yr's, did you both agree it's ok to date other people?" Did you agree to tell each other if you did?" Stuff like that. Just tell him you're curious how it all works.

In my opinion it's the most important thing to know and I would find out! You have a right to know for your own peace of mind. Then again I know this is what would bother me the most, and I'm not you, so just take it as my opinion.

Let me know what you think! I hope it's going well for you.

I didn't want to ask questions over the last week, as his wife ended up in intensive care with a hole in her colon/intestine. She had a bad infection, plus the breast cancer, and I didn't want to add to what was already on his plate. She's home now and doing alright, from what he said.

I did get a chance to talk to him a bit this morning. Everything he told me in the beginning he still wants (yay!). I'm just going to have to be patient...not my forte...I asked him what he thought about me moving closer (not his town, but a lot closer than 1000 miles away) and he said he'd love for me to be closer, but to not rush. He said that he doesn't want me moving for his sake, and then when he can only see me once a week or whatever, he doesn't want me to be lonely without my friends and family. He said he really wants to move here. He likes it here and this is where we started. His relatives are here too. I'm in his plan for the future, but right now he has to take care of things there and not to make a mistake in getting his life straightened out. He doesn't want his children to find anything out about us yet, as he doesn't want to lose their respect.

I felt better after talking to him. Sometimes I just need some reassurance and then I'm good. Whew. I DO tend to want to rush things and like I said, patience isn't one of my virtues. I usually want what I want and want it NOW.

You know what else? I've been keeping that online journal that Steve has the templates for? It's GREAT! I've been noticing a lot of syncs in my Law of Attraction/No More Excuses life and keeping tabs on them. I realized that 2 years ago I made a Vision Board with pictures of a house I would love to have. All the pics are "shabby chic" and Victorian in nature...and he lives in a Victorian town! (sync!)

I truly believe this is destiny and this is meant to work...but all in good time.

[magenta]

Originally Posted by marinik

Dear Magneta maybe it has a lot to do with his Italian Catholic upbringing. But do you know him really or you know your dream about the life you would have with him?

I have been in a LDR with the most wonderful real!!! man with whom I wouldn't live for more than 10 minutes! So take the time to get to know this man of your dreams, spend the 4 years preparing in an exciting way.... or just do something and go to this town where he is if he wants this. As for your son... kids adapt very quickly. It is your life. I have 4 of them and they are my treasure but they have all left and have their lives. I have at least another 25 (if I look at my parents) so ... thing about it. Not saying you be selfish just take care of you first to be able to take care of others.

Love m

You're right. It does have a lot to do with his Italian Catholic upbringing. He isn't dating, nor is she. He's told me several times he wishes he'd have gotten the divorce 10-15 years ago.

Okay, I have to ask: How can you be in a wonderful LDR with someone that you wouldn't live with for more than 10 min? What makes it wonderful, then? Your freedom?

[marinik]

Originally Posted by magenta

Okay, I have to ask: How can you be in a wonderful LDR with someone that you wouldn't live with for more than 10 min? What makes it wonderful, then? Your freedom?

We are both free spirits. He is from a very traditional society. The women is to stay home and raise the children. If I were to become his wife I am not sure that the life long conditioning wouldn't kick in. I am from a very liberal family and another country where women have a different view on life, on the other hand. So I am pretty sure it wouldn't work on a daily basis. This way we can never "exhaust" the relationship. We never get into situations where our worlds would collide. We never get fed up with one another.

[magenta]

Originally Posted by marinik

We are both free spirits. He is from a very traditional society. The women is to stay home and raise the children. If I were to become his wife I am not sure that the life long conditioning wouldn't kick in. I am from a very liberal family and another country where women have a different view on life, on the other hand. So I am pretty sure it wouldn't work on a daily basis. This way we can never "exhaust" the relationship. We never get into situations where our worlds would collide. We never get fed up with one another.

Well, it sounds as if that's a good idea, then, marinik! As long as you're happy, that's all that counts.

Hugs,
Magenta

[James81]

Originally Posted by marinik

We are both free spirits. He is from a very traditional society. The women is to stay home and raise the children. If I were to become his wife I am not sure that the life long conditioning wouldn't kick in. I am from a very liberal family and another country where women have a different view on life, on the other hand. So I am pretty sure it wouldn't work on a daily basis. This way we can never "exhaust" the relationship. We never get into situations where our worlds would collide. We never get fed up with one another.

So, by putting your time into this long distance relationship that you know will never work beyond long distance, you are essentially garaunteeing that you won't find a man with whom you COULD live with and have it work and garaunteeing you will not have the intimacy that comes from having that person who lives with you who can not only make you happy, never get fed up with, but offer you the intimacy that is the core of a solid relationship that actually can go somewhere beyond a certain level.

If I were you, I'd check my beliefs. I'd say it is more likely that you are staying in a relationship that can't go beyond a certain point because of some intimacy issues that are either conscious and you ignore or that are subconscious and are driving your actions.

I can't imagine being in a relationship that will plateau at a certain point and can never work on a deeper, more intimate level.

[drakecatz]

Hi Magenta, So glad to hear you're not feeling like a piano was dropped on your head anymore!

Are you still living with your husband? Does your guy have his own place? Oh God..here I go with all the questions as usual!

I think in the long run this is going to work out for you if you are willing to wait it out. From what you have said I sometimes feel like your guy lives in the old country and his grandmother is waiting on the porch to whack him with a broom if he does something wrong.

He doesn't want his kids to know about you so he doesn't lose their respect. After a 17 year separation living in the US you'd think they would get tired of explaining why their parents live apart and don't divorce.

Your guy has made it clear. Don't move because of me, don't divorce because of me. His honesty is good, but he is also saying don't count on me to be there for you right now.

In my first post I asked you about the Cathloic thing. Old school Cathloic's don't divorce. Well, maybe some do, but few.

This would probably move faster if wife wasn't ill. You'd know sooner if he wanted to go a head and change his life. Clearly not a good time for you and him. Honestly with his background I have to wonder if he ever would divorce. What's the difference 15 years ago or now?

My feeling is he is thinking that when wife passes he will give it a little time then bring you into his life, you'll meet his kid's, and marry him. All very proper. Which is fine!

If his wife wasn't so ill, I would caution you that you are probably dealing with a very married man. Not the case though. So hang in there if you want and he makes you happy. The best could be yet to come.

My stepbrother remarried after taking care of a wife with cancer for ten years. He remarried within 6 months! We were all shocked! But my youngest son hit the nail on the head as he always does. He said.."He was always the perfect one!"

Keep us posted. The universe very well may be on the side of this love, and making it so he can do things that do not conflict with his traditions.

[drakecatz]

Originally Posted by James81

So, by putting your time into this long distance relationship that you know will never work beyond long distance, you are essentially garaunteeing that you won't find a man with whom you COULD live with and have it work and garaunteeing you will not have the intimacy that comes from having that person who lives with you who can not only make you happy, never get fed up with, but offer you the intimacy that is the core of a solid relationship that actually can go somewhere beyond a certain level.

If I were you, I'd check my beliefs. I'd say it is more likely that you are staying in a relationship that can't go beyond a certain point because of some intimacy issues that are either conscious and you ignore or that are subconscious and are driving your actions.

I can't imagine being in a relationship that will plateau at a certain point and can never work on a deeper, more intimate level.

I agree with James81, (usually do,) but we all have our own mode. I was in a LDR once and when we got together for a week it was a disaster!

[marinik]

Originally Posted by James81

So, by putting your time into this long distance relationship that you know will never work beyond long distance, you are essentially garaunteeing that you won't find a man with whom you COULD live with and have it work and garaunteeing you will not have the intimacy that comes from having that person who lives with you who can not only make you happy, never get fed up with, but offer you the intimacy that is the core of a solid relationship that actually can go somewhere beyond a certain level.

If I were you, I'd check my beliefs. I'd say it is more likely that you are staying in a relationship that can't go beyond a certain point because of some intimacy issues that are either conscious and you ignore or that are subconscious and are driving your actions.

I can't imagine being in a relationship that will plateau at a certain point and can never work on a deeper, more intimate level.

Well I have been in a relationship you describe and every day life "swallowed" it. A this moment I do not need what you are describing. This is exactly what I need and you are very wrong if you think there is more intimacy than in what is a "close" relationship. On the contrary. I have never been so close to and with anyone.

And no I haven't any intimacy issues.

[James81]

Originally Posted by marinik

Well I have been in a relationship you describe and every day life "swallowed" it. A this moment I do not need what you are describing. This is exactly what I need and you are very wrong if you think there is more intimacy than in what is a "close" relationship. On the contrary. I have never been so close to and with anyone.

And no I haven't any intimacy issues.

I've been in an online relationship, so I'm speaking from personal experience.

I said those exact same words. hell, at the time I thought my online relationship was the most intimate and close I'd ever gotten with anyone.

When we met, however, I realized that it's psuedo-intimacy. That's it's more of an addiction to each other's minds than it is "intimacy." And that the real life version isn't nowhere near the level of intimacy that I thought it was at.

We get addicted to the "high" of challenging each other's minds and using our imaginations with each other. Some of the sexual fantasies were off the charts, some of the phone conversations were steamy....but the reality? When we ACTUALLY had sex? Terrible. Just terrible.

It was that experience that taught me that there is no substitute for physical interaction and intimacy. Although I think that an online relationship with someone you can be intimate with in real life will ADD to the relationship, it'll never replace the physical intimacy.

[marinik]

Originally Posted by James81

I've been in an online relationship, so I'm speaking from personal experience.

I said those exact same words. hell, at the time I thought my online relationship was the most intimate and close I'd ever gotten with anyone.

When we met, however, I realized that it's psuedo-intimacy. That's it's more of an addiction to each other's minds than it is "intimacy." And that the real life version isn't nowhere near the level of intimacy that I thought it was at.

We get addicted to the "high" of challenging each other's minds and using our imaginations with each other. Some of the sexual fantasies were off the charts, some of the phone conversations were steamy....but the reality? When we ACTUALLY had sex? Terrible. Just terrible.

It was that experience that taught me that there is no substitute for physical interaction and intimacy. Although I think that an online relationship with someone you can be intimate with in real life will ADD to the relationship, it'll never replace the physical intimacy.

I am not in a online relationship. My partner does not like the internet. And we meet eachother often and have great sex. We have spent weeks together. Being in a hotel rooms for days is not always very comfortable but we don't have a problem with this. We are very close and very intimate and we share everything. We just don't live in the same country. So you see I am not speaking of a relationship with a ghost or letters on a screen. I am talking flesh... a man I adore and miss and long for. We both love eachother very deeply. I have tried to end this a few times because it has no future but he just stuck in there and didn't let me go.

[ns123]

magenta, here is what I see...

He is married, unhappily. His wife has cancer. I can guarantee that his kids would hate him if he brought you into his life right now - they are all grieving. Even though he doesn't love his wife... he will still grieve because of her illness.

It sounds like he needs time. Time for him to close this chapter of his relationship and open up a new one with you. But what kind of cad will do that when his wife is dying? So good news, you picked a good man.

He won't verbally commit to you because he's not really available right now, with his family situation. He doesn't want to tell you to move to where he is... because... well, what kind of cad would tell a woman to move for him before he's totally sure he's going to be available to her? So good news again... you picked a good man.

When you were a teenager, if you would have waited just a few more years, you and him could have been together. Now, you've found each other again... and if you could just wait a bit longer... you would probably end up with each other.

The first time around, you didn't wait. You lost each other. This 2nd time around is providing you another opportunity to learn and practice patience when it comes to love. Give it time. Talk to him once a day, three times a week, whatever. Give him space, give yourself space... and trust.

I think it does sound like destiny - it sounds like you guys were meant to be together. But it also sounds like before that happens, there is something both of you must learn.

[James81]

Originally Posted by marinik

a man I adore and miss and long for.

A man, to quote you, you wouldn't want to live with for more than ten minutes.

Hence, intimacy issues. It's one thing to be intimate for a few days at a time when you meet up in a hotel after longing and missing someone for long periods of time.

It's another thing to build intimate through day to day physical encounters.

Just because your situation doesn't parallel mine exactly, doesn't mean it's not the same TYPE of relationship....one that's lived out in your imagination for most of the time. And an FYI, my "online" relationship wasn't with text on a screen. 90% of it took place on the phone.

Originally Posted by marinik

I have tried to end this a few times because it has no future but he just stuck in there and didn't let me go.

Why would you continously stay in a relationship that you "tried to end a few times" but couldn't because he was too relentless in bringing you back?

Unless....you have intimacy issues.

I'm not trying to hound you, I'm just being blunt. I would think that it's important to at least be honest with yourself about your situation, whether it's something you want to face or not.

Why?

Because, as I said, while you are wasting your time with this guy, there is another guy out there for you who is just as good for you, except he can actually offer you a daily commitment, a real life, flesh and blood relationship and actually be there for you when you need him....physically.

EDIT: This is just my speculation, but it sounds like this guy is getting the milk for free without any of the real commitment.

Hell, my kingdom for the kind of set up he has with you. He gets to have sex with you as often as he'll find the time to meet up with you, without actually having to do any of the real day to day maintenance and any of the real commitment that a deep relationship needs. All this while convincing you that it's a perfect set up, that it can never lead to anything more than what it is right now, and knowing he can string you back in if you try to get away.