Unsupportive Parents

[siryessir08]

Steve writes a lot about how when you make a goal, there are people that are supportive, people who don't care, and people who are supportive.

As we all know, his suggestion is to cut unhelpful people out of our lives.

What if your primary naysayers are family though?

My parents have always had an idea about what my future beholds. I disappointed them when I realized that college does not fit with my goals. I disappointed them when I told them I'm never going to have a job again. I disappointed them when I got engaged to someone they don't approve of. I disappointed them when I left Christianity after realizing it was a stupid religion.

However, I feel the most liberated and fulfilled I ever have in my entire life since discovering this website last year. My life has taken an entirely new direction, and my parents have continuously expressed their disappointment with the direction I've taken. Their house is filled with negative energy and hostility. I feel like I've outgrown them. Their levels of consciousness are pretty low.

How do I deal with this? Should I cut them loose? Is family different? Is there a way to help them?

[VetTechJess]

Originally Posted by siryessir08

Steve writes a lot about how when you make a goal, there are people that are supportive, people who don't care, and people who are supportive.

As we all know, his suggestion is to cut unhelpful people out of our lives.

What if your primary naysayers are family though?

My parents have always had an idea about what my future beholds. I disappointed them when I realized that college does not fit with my goals. I disappointed them when I told them I'm never going to have a job again. I disappointed them when I got engaged to someone they don't approve of. I disappointed them when I left Christianity after realizing it was a stupid religion.

However, I feel the most liberated and fulfilled I ever have in my entire life since discovering this website last year. My life has taken an entirely new direction, and my parents have continuously expressed their disappointment with the direction I've taken. Their house is filled with negative energy and hostility. I feel like I've outgrown them. Their levels of consciousness are pretty low.

How do I deal with this? Should I cut them loose? Is family different? Is there a way to help them?

Sounds to me like your parents want to live thru you. Maybe they failed and wanted you to succeed at what they failed at. No excuses for the way theyre acting though.

I use my mother as an example here---she can be a very negative person. I have learned to tune her out and let what she says go in one ear and straight out the other.

For example my candy machines:

For a long time I hadn't yet put them out--fear of rejection or what have you maybe--but I digress--finally I grew some nerves and put them out. Before I had put them out she was always telling me to "sell my machines". Basically I told her the less polite version of "shove it!". I set boundaries with my mother but that doesn't mean she doesnt constantly test them. She has a tendency to want to sabotage whatever relationship I have. She tells me negative things and then says shes not being negative but being "realistic". realistic my ass I say! My mother is livid at my bf for his sexual orientation--however I am not. she later told me that SHE TOOK IT UPON HERSELF WITHOUT MY CONSENT to text him a message saying he would never see his daughter (the child I am carrying) ever in life for acting the way he had. luckily she sent it to the wrong number (I HOPE!!)..dodged a bullet there and if I had the power of the characters in the movie "jumper" (watch it and you'll know what im talking about) I woulda probably bashed her head into the wall. She wanted me to send the text to him but I refused, because Im not like that...despite things---

My mother has been negative about my website as well telling me it won't work. Again I tell her where to stick it (the less polite version because thats the one that tends to get the message thru---already tried and failed at the nice version--) and simply ignore her. I know my website will be a success and I will never have a job again--and to me thats all that matters screw what other ppl think.

As far as not being christian--I havent been christian since 1999 and never felt happier. I have experienced and seen things as a non christian that confirms to me without a shadow of a doubt that there is more than meets the eye on this planet called earth. I have received counsel in dreams--in fact a recent one about the situation I am in--the dream was real--i was fully cognizant as I received counsel from the higher sources and spirits. They outlined a plan for me told me to follow it thru to the letter and if followed thru to the letter that it would all work out in the end and my bf and I would get back together. I have been following it so far and have seen tremendous results--like this morning at 3:17am he called me for the first time since the separation!

You shouldnt cut them loose as much as you should just ignore what they say when they disapprove--not to mention start placing boundaries and set rules as to what they can and cannot do/say--and if they violate those terms interrupt them and remind them bluntly that you are an adult and will do as you please and that they cannot and will not control you anymore and to get out of that parent-child relationship and start getting into the adult parent-adult child relationship.

Hell Im 25 and my father still tries to control what i eat and tries to make me not eat before dinner---again I set boundaries and told him he isn't the boss of me. I told him bluntly and in no uncertain terms. needless to say that shock he has lightened up alot---though he will occasionally get into that mode again and all it takes for him is a simple yet firm reminder from me. I told him ive been on my own for a better part of 4½ years making my own decisions on my own about my eating and hygeine etc and I had no bad experiences there and that just because I had to move back in with him due to circumstances beyond my control that it doesnt give him the right whatsoever to suddenly deem me incompetent to make my own god damn decisions.--took him by surprise but he got the hint---FAST AND QUICKLY!!

just my .02

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by siryessir08

Steve writes a lot about how when you make a goal, there are people that are supportive, people who don't care, and people who are supportive.

As we all know, his suggestion is to cut unhelpful people out of our lives.

What if your primary naysayers are family though?

My parents have always had an idea about what my future beholds. I disappointed them when I realized that college does not fit with my goals. I disappointed them when I told them I'm never going to have a job again. I disappointed them when I got engaged to someone they don't approve of. I disappointed them when I left Christianity after realizing it was a stupid religion.

However, I feel the most liberated and fulfilled I ever have in my entire life since discovering this website last year. My life has taken an entirely new direction, and my parents have continuously expressed their disappointment with the direction I've taken. Their house is filled with negative energy and hostility. I feel like I've outgrown them. Their levels of consciousness are pretty low.

How do I deal with this? Should I cut them loose? Is family different? Is there a way to help them?

How you deal with this? Say to your parents that you've got to live your own life and learn your own lessons, even if it means making your own mistakes, it's the only way for you to learn anything.

I think you've just got to tell them your feelings about things..

[ns123]

My best advice, move away, far away, and only have pleasant visits.

This is funny, because my family is exactly this way too. I was actually remarking to my husband about this recently. How in my parents house, they were always telling me I was irresponsible, never remembered anything, cannot be relied upon. That even though I was "school smart" I would never make it in the real world because I was so naive.

Well, I got married, moved 1000 miles away, and I've thrived. I've actually thrived and succeeded more than I ever imagined I could - and far beyond their expectations.

I thought about cutting my parents (family) out of my life too - that they do nothing but drag me down and make me feel bad about myself. But you know what? They don't do that! I do it all on my own, they just act as a catalyst, but the feelings of being stupid and inadequate, I did that all on my own.

My relationship has improved greatly with them once I chose to believe that they do it, not because they are bad, or they hate me, but they love me. They are actually hurt themselves, so they think if they bring me down, it makes them feel better - misery loves company. If they tell me they are proud of me, that I did well, they'll feel like they are failures... so it's really their own limiting beliefs. They don't do it because they are evil, they are actually reaching out for what I crave... approval and affirmation. And funnily enough, I don't give it to them - and they never give it to me.

So what I've started doing is hearing the love but not the words. And I'm just proud of me for me. I stop seeking approval from them, and just give them approval where I genuinely do approve - which means, be generous with them, especially when they are not with me. When I'm being generous with them, I'm also being generous with myself. And that makes me feel good... and it comes from me, not from them. Which makes me feel powerful and inspired.

Do they still annoy the hell out of me? Do they still say things once in a while that push my buttons and make me feel bad about myself. Of course they do! But it's less and less... and yes, I do find ways of coping and getting over it. It helps to have good support of my husband - but you could have that in a friend or a sibling, etc. And it gets easier with time.

When I first decided to change my relationship with my parents... it was challenging. After a phone call or a visit... I would be in near tears... how could they say such horrible things?!? But now... almost 2 years later... I laugh it off, it genuinely doesn't bother me... so they do it less. Yeah, I have some days where I'm more successful than others... but I'm having more success days now than when I started.

Hope that helps.

[ns123]

VetTechJess,

I applaud you in standing up for yourself and asserting yourself. I'm glad you are working through your relationships and creating boundaries for yourself.

The technique I use is different from yours - which is not to say you're wrong. Because hey, your method is creating what you want... which is not really the same as what I want, and that's perfectly ok. But to use your examples - this is what I totally see my parents doing to me too!

If my mom where to meddle in my relationships... I could react the way you did (which is not wrong by the way), but I could also react as: My mother loves me and wants the best for me. She wants a loving relationship for me and when she sees things that are less than perfect, she wants me to end it. Because she does not have the perfect relationship, she is seeking for her version of the perfect relationship for me. Misguided on her part. Annoying on her part. But she does it because she loves me. Not because she's an evil meddling bi*ch. So... I tell my boyfriend - sorry, my mom did that. She is very over protective so please don't listen to her. Listen to what I'm telling you now... I love you. I don't mind your sexual orientations... etc... And work it out with him. Why does your mom have your bf's number anyway?

If my dad tried to control my diet - which he does! I look at it this way - he loves me, he wants me to eat healthy. I may not think his choices are great, but if I tell him I don't want to eat like him, he feels as if his food choices are wrong. Which makes him feel bad. So instead of telling him off, I could tell him, Thanks, Dad. But I'd rather have that. I'm glad your food choices are good for you, but I really don't like that. I'd also really examine my own feelings about food and find out if I'm really mad at myself because maybe he's right. But if I'm really happy about my food choices... I'd tell my dad, Thanks. I know you love me. I think your food choices work for you, and my food choice are different because I have different preferences. It's ok that i have this chocolate cake before dinner, I'll still finish my dinner. And if I don't, I'll have really delicious leftovers for lunch tomorrow! So it's all good!

And mean it.

This is what I mean about hearing the love. My mom loves me and wants me to have a perfect loving relationship. HER version of it - which may be different from mine. Misguided, annoying, but not evil. My dad doesn't want to control what I eat, he wants validation on what he eats. He's looking out for me, he cares about me. I don't have to tell him I'm an adult and can make my own food choices... I can just BE that by making my own food choices and he'll see that I'm not following his advice. And I'll give him generous validation too - by telling him that I love it that he cares about what I eat and that his food choices are perfectly fine.

Hope that helps. It's funny VetTechJess - but my parents are exactly this way. And I used to rant and rave like this too - and there's nothing wrong with that. But that left me a choice of telling them off, they do what I want, or I cut them out of my life... which was not an ultimatum I wanted to follow through with. And it's not creating the relationship I want - which doesn't mean what you did is not effective - it is effective... but it didn't work on my parents. I'm glad it works on yours.

[rawxstasy]

Wow- everyone has some awesome replies. I think I did a combination of VetTechJess and Ns123.

I was living with my mother due to my circumstances and she was constantly putting me down and accusing me of not wanting to face "reality" I am 44 years old by the way. I set boundaries and she tested them time and time again! Told her in a nice way that her negative attitude about life was bringing me down etc. She complained that no one wants to listen to her and she should have the right to be "honest" about what is going on. I was depressed alot. I realize now that I chose to be depressed but it's difficult when you hear negative comments 24/7. Finally I told her she can complain about a situation once. Then I didn't want to keep hearing her negative view on it and if she didn't change I would be spending less time with her because I couldn't take her negativity. I kept my word. I withdrew from her, just spend less time talking to her and being around her even though we were in same the house. I also adopted an attitude of acceptance and feeling patience toward her. (She grew up in Germany during WWII so I think that's caused alot of her "fear" outlook of the world) After a few months, I noticed a change in her. Now she is tolerable.

However, lately since I have been living most of the time out of town for school and work, I notice that I do better when I have less contact with her, so once I graduate from nursing school I will be moving 1,000 miles away also!! I don't even know anyone where I am moving to, which is scary but exciting!

[SimonaRich]

I don't know how old you are but I would advise to move out of such house asap. And if you cannot, still do what you like and don't listen to them because their goals are not your goals and they cannot possibly know what is best for you. They are them, you are you, they should not decide anything for another human being, even if you are their child.

[codenamesmiley]

Yes,

My parents are very unsupportive of anything that don't fall into their belief for that year.

They now live about two hours away, and I find that I am a very happy person loving them from a distance. I can still get to them in an emergency, but they are simply too far away to have me at their beck and call, where I would get drained weekly by stepping and fetching to please them.

I find that daytrips to visit once in a while..and refusing the weekend invites keeps me on my path to serenity quite nicely.

Yes, we miss each other...but it is far better than feeling like dirt about myself all the time and wishing I could move a few hours away...lol

Blessings,
Rebecca

[rawxstasy]

they are simply too far away to have me at their beck and call, where I would get drained weekly by stepping and fetching to please them

Wow. Good for you. I wish that worked for me, but 3 hours away isn't far enough. I've also got a second ex husband who wants to get back together and four hours away isn't enough. So maybe a 24 hour driving distance will help me.

[ming]

Originally Posted by siryessir08

I disappointed them when I told them I'm never going to have a job again.

I am worried for you too.

[beatnix]

Have you read Steve's blog entry Understanding Family Relationship Problems? I found it very helpful.

[David Cain]

Good for you on finding what you're passionate about.

I would try to remain cordial and compassionate towards them, they just don't know any better, but don't compromise anything for them. You do not need their blessing to live your life.

If your parents really do stifle your dreams with guilt and disdain, then consider parting ways. Blood is not necessarily thicker than water; it's not worth compromising your life for someone else's beliefs.

So I say, no, family is not different in this sense. They have no more right to decide your life than a stranger does.

[LifeFirst]

I'm having the same problem....I want to move back to my country, and they want me to stay here...for now. But I want to leave NOW and pursue my career in my home country......


I've already graduated from college......why the hell do they still care what I do?

[ns123]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

I've already graduated from college......why the hell do they still care what I do?

I don't meant to sound stupid... but um... parents don't stop caring about their kids when their kids become independent. Heck... I have a younger brother who is totally independent, but I still care what he does. And it takes every ounce of my restraint not to give him well intentioned unsought for advice. And he's just my brother, not my son.

They tell you what to do because they love you, because they've been telling you what to do as a child... because parents have to do that. Brush your teeth. Eat your veggies. Change your underwear. When our children become independent adults, the adjustment period for some parents are more challenging than others. Some parents, like mine, don't fully adjust and realize that their kids are now fully independent adults. So they keep telling us what to do, not because they think we are stupid, or they want to control us, or any of that bad stuff.

It's because they love us. Probably more than we can ever know. Probably more than they can even express.

So my advice is, allow them to love you. Hear their love. Discard the rest. Their method of loving you (telling you what to do) may not be what you want... but ignore the method, just feel the love. And love them back... but do what you choose. After a while, they will see, just by you being the independent strong you, that they can let go.

It has worked for me, I hope it works for you.

[LifeFirst]

I haven't told them what I want to do...simply because they're very negative people to be around. The minute I tell them they will just refute it, just yesterday my father told me that I don't have any talents, so it's better that I continue school. Well how the hell does he know I don't have any....I barely even talk to the guy. They just assume things about me and it's frustrating.

Anything that I bring up that is different from their expectations, then it goes into deaf ears.

Doesn't matter how I say it, I can be calm or I can shout....won't matter a bit.

[funchy]

Originally Posted by siryessir08

My parents have always had an idea about what my future beholds. I disappointed them when I realized that college does not fit with my goals. I disappointed them when I told them I'm never going to have a job again. I disappointed them when I got engaged to someone they don't approve of. I disappointed them when I left Christianity after realizing it was a stupid religion.

How do I deal with this? Should I cut them loose? Is family different? Is there a way to help them?

I think you should grow up and stop needing their approval for every little thing.

A lot of "disappointment" is created in your own mind. You're an adult and make your own decisions. they love you. All you need to do is love them back and accept them for what you perceive as their limitations.

I'd suggest stopping trying to "help them" and just focus on your own life. To me disowning one's parents because you feel you disappointed them is kind of crazy. They took good care of you until you became an adult. They won't always be around. Love them and enjoy the time you have with them.

[loic]

Most of the times the primary Naysayers will be your parents. Simply because the love you and are scared for you, and everything you attempt that is a bit crazy scares them.

Try not to ask your parents for advice too much. Sometimes, the advice of a mentor outside the family is way better. Less history, less powerfull feelings that cloud the judgment.

[siryessir08]

Some of you are giving great advice, some are simply judging me.

First of all, I live 3 hours away from my parents. I keep a healthy distance, and only visit every other month or so.

Funchy, why are you assuming I need my parents approval for things? If I needed their approval, I wouldn't be constantly be taking a direction different then their vision for me. This disappointment is not created in my mind either, my parents scowl when I tell them about my goals, and they verbally express their disappointment.

I'm not constantly obsessing about helping my parents, in fact, I rarely even think about them. I posted this because it was on my mind while visiting my parents.

I've told them that I'm an adult (I'm 22), and they need to simply need to accept whatever decisions I make and be supportive. I've been pretty blunt in saying that career and financial advice from them is completely useless and a waste of time, because I have no desire to model their lives.

But I do love my parents, and I do appriciate my middle class upbringing. My parents are miserable, they hate their jobs and they don't seem to even like eachother very much. I'd like them to live happier lives. This is why I was posting this. I was just wondering if anyone here has had success in bringing positive changes to their parents' way of thinking, and if so, how they did it.

[Indiana]

I've told them that I'm an adult (I'm 22), and they need to simply need to accept whatever decisions I make and be supportive. I've been pretty blunt in saying that career and financial advice from them is completely useless and a waste of time, because I have no desire to model their lives.

I disappointed them when I realized that college does not fit with my goals. I disappointed them when I told them I'm never going to have a job again. I disappointed them when I got engaged to someone they don't approve of. I disappointed them when I left Christianity after realizing it was a stupid religion.

I'm not trying to be nasty, but it does seem as though you might be quite judgmental and critical towards your parents.

They have raised you as best they know how, and of course they have ideas about how your life might be, or what they think might be best (read: most helpful and least likely to cause you pain down the line) for you. At 22, you don't have a lot of independent living behind you, but you do have a lot of living ahead, so maybe you can understand that when you tell your parents, "I don't need to go to college, I don't need to get a job, and I intend to spend my life with someone you don't like", this makes them anxious because they go against conventional ideas of security and success, and so they express disapproval.

And you respond by telling them you don't respect their decisions, that their advice is useless and their religion is stupid (not sure if you actually said this to them but it seems to be what you think)?

Perhaps you would meet with less resistance from them if you don't act like you know it all and they are stupid. Thank them for raising you well, to be a person who is capable of independent thought and who values secure relationships like marriage. Thank them for their advice and concerns, but express that you are choosing a path that seems to work well for you.

Eventually they will see that you can earn money without a degree, that you can live well without a 'job' and that your marriage is successful. Then they will relax. Until they see the workability of your decisions though, you can expect them to be quite anxious about your welfare.

[ns123]

Originally Posted by siryessir08

I'd like them to live happier lives. This is why I was posting this. I was just wondering if anyone here has had success in bringing positive changes to their parents' way of thinking, and if so, how they did it.

How I did it... was change the way I think about them. I stop judging them and start accepting them and their choices. Sure, they are not the choices I would make. But hey, my choices are not the choices they would make either. See the similarities?

So instead of telling my parents how to be... I. stop. it. (Hm... sounds like what they are doing to me.) When I'm with my parents, it's quality time. They say I should x, y, z and I go, I appreciate and know you care. But you raised me right, so I will be ok.

Some techniques I use:
1. give them what I want from them. I want them to stop telling me what to do. To affirm my choices. So I give that to them. It works wonders!
2. validate their feelings. Reassure them. you may have to do this over and over in different ways. It helps if you really believe it yourself.
3. hear their love, ignore the rest.

Another thing that helps is by being a strong independent person who is in love with his life. And when your parents see you truly happy with who you are, they will be happy too. Resisting them doesn't help me. Lecturing them doesn't help me. Spending quality time, hearing their love, and generously giving them what I seek helps me heaps. But it's a long slog of a road, but the good news is... the only person who has to take action is me. That makes me 100% responsible as well as 100% powerful. And I like that.

[Rockchick26]

I had to become part of this conversation, as I am in the same situation with my dad and have been for almost 20 years since I became an adult.

Something i've noticed from reading the replies in here and from observing real parents that I know...judgemental disapproving parents are always unhappy unsatisfied people. My dad was left by my mom when i was 17 and he has been a crabby negative controlling person ever since. Before that I had no complaints. He was happy. He enjoyed hobbies and was a wonderful father. But when someone's life gets flipped upside down, they have to take it out on someone, and who comes to mind first- their kids.

I also know families where the parents are PERFECT, they are happy, loving, and they always treat their kids like adults. I think what it comes down to is if you are a parent and you are dysfunctional in any way or have issues, you won't be a very good parent. If you are well rounded and open minded and as close to perfect as you can get, you won't be controlling and judgemental with your kids.

Some people have suggested simply being firm and blunt with them, saying you are an adult and you can make your own choices and live with the results. I'm not sure about other parents, but upon hearing that, my dad gets even more judgemental and angry. My entire family and I, plus my dad's girlfriend, have even told him he needs to realize I am an adult. But then he gets mad at US for saying it! Like we are "talking back" or trying to escalate things. So that solution doesn't work on every parent.

I really don't have any other solutions, I've just been trying to deal with it day to day. Some days it's so bad I swear I'm not going to call him for a month, and other days it's a miracle that he can have a normal conversation without being judgemental and controlling.

[ns123]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Some people have suggested simply being firm and blunt with them, saying you are an adult and you can make your own choices and live with the results. I'm not sure about other parents, but upon hearing that, my dad gets even more judgemental and angry.

Rockchick, my parents are just like yours! Telling them how they should be never worked for me either, it actually makes it worse for me too! But I can understand why this happens, because I'm this way myself. When some one tells me how I should be, I always be the opposite. I'm stubborn that way, guess where I learned it from?

What works with mine is adjusting my view and how I see them. See them as flawed individuals (just like me!) and accept them for it. Attribute to their misguided judgments & criticisms to love - not to evil.

For example: I have been on my own for over 11 years now. They have not supported me what so ever. So I was talking to my dad about cooking a certain dish - a dish I have cooked before, many times. Then he starts to lecture me about the proper way of cooking it, how I'm doing it WRONG, and how I should do it his way because it's better. But you know what? All those thoughts, they come from me!

So I can think... wow, does he think I'm stupid and incompetent that I can't cook this dish? I mean, I've cooked it a dozen times before! I've been on my own! Where does he get off telling me what to do when I'm totally on my own out of his household for years? Does he think I've been starving or eating out in restaurants these past 11 years?!?

Or... I could think... he loves me. He knows I'm independent and capable. He's my father, and he still wants to feel like I need him. That he is an important part of my life. Fathers give advice. They care for us, when they see us as independent competent adults, they are happy, but they lose that child they nurtured for so long. And they miss and long for that nurturing again. He loves me, wants me to have something he enjoys (the food) his way, because he enjoys it. It's not that he thinks I'm wrong, it's because he really likes it this way, and he wants to share that with me.

So, when I have the 2nd perspective, it helps my response to him. So I say, Dad, thanks for the advice on cooking it your style. I remember enjoying it your style growing up, and have grown to love (whatever ingredient in that dish) because of your influence. But to tell you the truth, I eat it a different style now, I've found my own style. And that's great because I've created something new and enjoyable for me from the foundation of what you taught me. And I just let him go on and on about the dish and how it's prepared... and generously listen to him.

When I do that, it validates that his preferences are just as good as mine. That I've discovered a new twist that's suited just for me from his foundation of the dish - and that's because he taught me to be creative. So I've onece again affirmed and validated his role as my father.

My relationships with my parents have much improved over the past few years since I've decided to adjust my perspective. And the more I validate them... the more I generously give them what I seek... the more I adjust my view... the more I actually enjoy talking to them. And what's funny is... their view of me has changed too - or actually, my opinion of their view of me.

Either way, it generates a very pleasant way to relate with them. I'm receiving their information differently, which changes me... and it does change them too.

I hope that helps!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by ns123

Rockchick, my parents are just like yours! Telling them how they should be never worked for me either, it actually makes it worse for me too! But I can understand why this happens, because I'm this way myself. When some one tells me how I should be, I always be the opposite. I'm stubborn that way, guess where I learned it from?

yeah it makes sense, nobody wants to be told how to act. It is actually a miracle if it ever works on anyone!

What works with mine is adjusting my view and how I see them. See them as flawed individuals (just like me!) and accept them for it. Attribute to their misguided judgments & criticisms to love - not to evil.

I've tried that and it works really good when you're not with the person LOL Like I told myself "he just loves me and doesnt want to see anything bad happen to me" and then I'll call him and within 10 seconds he's already making me feel like ****. It's so much harder when you're neck deep in the situation.

For example: I have been on my own for over 11 years now. They have not supported me what so ever. So I was talking to my dad about cooking a certain dish - a dish I have cooked before, many times. Then he starts to lecture me about the proper way of cooking it, how I'm doing it WRONG, and how I should do it his way because it's better. But you know what? All those thoughts, they come from me!

So I can think... wow, does he think I'm stupid and incompetent that I can't cook this dish? I mean, I've cooked it a dozen times before! I've been on my own! Where does he get off telling me what to do when I'm totally on my own out of his household for years? Does he think I've been starving or eating out in restaurants these past 11 years?!?

LOL So true!! I often think those exact things to myself, because my dad is the same way, telling me I'm doing it wrong. One time I was at his house and I was warming something up in the microwave and it was bubbling before the time was up so I opened the door and took it out. He comes in there to "check on me" and sees there is like 20 seconds left on the timer, and threw a hissy fit! He claims that will break the microwave if you do that. *rolls eyes*

Or... I could think... he loves me. He knows I'm independent and capable. He's my father, and he still wants to feel like I need him. That he is an important part of my life. Fathers give advice. They care for us, when they see us as independent competent adults, they are happy, but they lose that child they nurtured for so long. And they miss and long for that nurturing again. He loves me, wants me to have something he enjoys (the food) his way, because he enjoys it. It's not that he thinks I'm wrong, it's because he really likes it this way, and he wants to share that with me.

That is very true that they want someone to care for again. One time I forget what we were talking about but I had to explain to him that I didn't need anything and I was just fine and he goes "Oh you don't need anything huh!!" almost yelling it at me, like i'm a bad person for not needing anything!

[ns123]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

and then I'll call him and within 10 seconds he's already making me feel like ****. It's so much harder when you're neck deep in the situation.

Oh yeah, it's hard. I still cry and scream some times after talking to my parents... but it gets easier the more you practice. Good habits (just like bad habits) form over a long period of time.

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

... I had to explain to him that I didn't need anything and I was just fine and he goes "Oh you don't need anything huh!!" almost yelling it at me, like i'm a bad person for not needing anything!

Actually, in his view, you were rejecting his love. I think a lot of parents (me included, since I am a parent) long to feel needed - like we still matter. We still want to nurture and take care of our kids. So when our kids say, oh... I don't need anything, thanks! Some times, we take it as, oh, I don't need you - which really hurts. A lot! So to him, when you said, I don't need anything... he heard, I don't need you. You felt you were being strong and independent, he felt his role as a father (provider, nurturer) was being rejected.

Like I said, our parents (and us!) have issues, we are all flawed individuals. Some days, we are more successful than others. So when we practice love and patience with those around us... when we are being that, it automatically influences others to be that too with us.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by ns123

Actually, in his view, you were rejecting his love. I think a lot of parents (me included, since I am a parent) long to feel needed - like we still matter. We still want to nurture and take care of our kids. So when our kids say, oh... I don't need anything, thanks! Some times, we take it as, oh, I don't need you - which really hurts. A lot! So to him, when you said, I don't need anything... he heard, I don't need you. You felt you were being strong and independent, he felt his role as a father (provider, nurturer) was being rejected.

I don't see any solution to this problem, because we just see things totally differently. Even if I were to say "I'm glad you are offering to help but I don't need anything right now", it would STILL bother him. So what do you do when you simply cannot possibly give them what they need? They just have to stop needing it and then it will all be ok? Because they can't change either.

[Minds Eye]

Rockchick - I think the answer is, you need to stop feeling responsible for fulfilling their needs

[TonyToneTone]

What do you want you end result to be? Do you want to cut them loose? Do you want to have a good relationship with them despite their attitudes?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Minds Eye

Rockchick - I think the answer is, you need to stop feeling responsible for fulfilling their needs

Oh i know i'm not responsible for their needs or even their feelings, THEY are. But that still doesn't make the problem go away.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by TonyToneTone

What do you want you end result to be? Do you want to cut them loose? Do you want to have a good relationship with them despite their attitudes?

No i dont want to have to cut them loose...I just want us to get along LOL

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

No i dont want to have to cut them loose...I just want us to get along LOL

Focus on what you like about them. Grab a pen and paper and make the following list:
"Ten Things I Like About My Dad" and do the same for your Mom. Read the list three times daily until you start to feel good towards them. They will pick up the vibes you are putting out and reciprocate in kind.