Unsupportive Parents

[ns123]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I don't see any solution to this problem, because we just see things totally differently. Even if I were to say "I'm glad you are offering to help but I don't need anything right now", it would STILL bother him.

It seems to me you have a very strong preference for one solution - the solution that it is your dad that has to change. In my own experience, these kinds of solutions (where some one else has to change) has never happened. Ever.

It would still bother him, no matter what your response. Ok, fine. Let it bother him, but don't let it bother you. The decision that it bothers him is up to him, you will not accept responsibility for how he feels.

All you can do is, accept him, love him, and if he has some latent negative feelings about it, that's on him. Not on you.

That reminds me of one time, I was talking to my brother. He was telling me about a guy friend and totally trash talking them. And I go, "Wow, it sounds like that person is really sad and needs a friend, that's why he's that way. It sounds like there is something going on. But it's ok if you don't want to fix him. Heck, I would not want to fix him either."

And then, my brother goes, wow, you just made me feel like a total assh*le for saying all those bad things! And I go, "Oh no, you're not gonna put that on me. You made yourself feel bad, I'm not taking responsibility for that. I just pointed out my observations. But you feeling like an assh*le, you did that all on your own."

My brother still didnt' agree with me, but I let go of the responsibility of how he felt. Because that's not up to me. It's up to him. I honestly never think he's an assh*le, ever... but if he thinks that, that's all on him. I'm not taking credit for that.

So try letting to of the feeling of being responsible for the way your parents feel. Unless you really feel that stuff you say should bother them, and in that case, sounds like you can do some inner work yourself.

It also reminds me of the saying, "if some one gives you a gift, and you refuse to accept it, to whom does that gift belong?" I think of that when it pertains to negativity. Like Rose of Cairo has said (which I love!), "Sorry, I don't accept your stinky sneaker." I say that to my husband some times, and it makes us both laugh.

[Rockchick26]

Well I can totally see what you mean, and how that would work, but doesnt that only pertain to situations where you aren't involved? Or situations where you aren't required to be a part of it? Because I can go there with the best positive vibes in the world, not take any responsibility for his words or actions, yet he'll create this entire thing out of NOWHERE and I am forced to respond to it because he is talking to me. If you are alone with someone (say, you're riding in a car with them) and they totally start something with you, HOW can you just not get involved? You have to respond to them, you can't just sit there and act like you didnt' hear them (tried that though, doesnt work either )

[ns123]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Well I can totally see what you mean, and how that would work, but doesnt that only pertain to situations where you aren't involved? Or situations where you aren't required to be a part of it?

Actually, the example above about my brother feeling like an assh*le because of something I said - I was actively involved. We both were sitting on the couch talking. It worked for me. So yeah, I was a part of it - but of course, I'm never required to be a part of anything I don't choose to be. I chose to be a part of it because I wanted to be. He's my brother. But I didn't accept him giving his power to me over how he felt.

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

...and I am forced to respond to it because he is talking to me.

You are never forced to respond - you are forcing yourself to respond. What, he put a gun to your head and threatened to kill you if you don't respond? Even then, you actually do still have choice.

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

You have to respond to them, you can't just sit there and act like you didnt' hear them

Maybe your relationships are different than mine. I don't act like I didn't hear them. I just say, "Oh no, you're not putting that on me. You did that yourself." If my dad, mom, or brother says something in response, I just shake my head and smile.

But that's the difference between us I guess. I actually believe what I'm saying, I really, truly, don't believe I am responsible for it. If they feel a certain way, if they create something, I truly feel that it's entirely up to me whether I want to participate in it or not. I don't feel compelled and forced to participate. I don't ignore them either. I just keep repeating the same thing - "I didn't say you are an assh*le - I truly don't think that you are. In fact, I never think that you are. Ever."

It helps the situation when what I say is actually what I feel - and that has more to do with me than with them. If I really think he was an assh*le - I'd tell him so (not in those words). And I'd take responsibility for it - because I truly think he is one.

I'm just saying, what I do with my family - and they act a LOT like yours, works for me. My relationships with them work, and I don't hate them, avoid them, nor loathe talking to them any more. Nor am I reduced to tears and screaming (venting) after I see them. In fact, when we talk, I emerge from the experience now, very proud of myself because I don't take their bait, and it throws them off. And I have a great relationship with my family. And they have changed, but only because my response to them has.

Like I said before, some days, I'm more successful than others doing this. And over the years, I've found that more and more practice makes me better the next time.

You don't have to choose to do this yourself if you don't want to. I mean, if it's too much effort, you can just end the relationship and avoid your dad as much as possible. Nothing wrong with that. You can keep doing what you are doing and coming up with how your particular situation is different, or how it won't work... and you'd be absolutely right.

The choice is yours, Rockchick.

[siryessir08]

Hey ns123, you're advice might very well change the way I think about my relationship with my parents forever. Thank You

It's not about how I can change my parents for the better...it's only my subjective interpretation of what is better, and I'm pretty much doing the same thing with them as they are with me.

It's about changing myself. It's about realizing that my parents arn't really attacking me when they criticize me. I've acted defensively up to this point, but their actions are out of love...even if those actions don't necessarily do any good for me.

I should just smile and be glad to know my parents are expressing their love for me in their own way, and gently tell them my own opinions.

Maybe a good way to help them see my opinions in a more accepting way is to show them I've reached a conclusion about something using what they have taught me, and be thankful for it.