Anyone been in or know someone whose been the "straight spouse" in a relationship?

[VetTechJess]

I was thinking about my current situation. I found out some more things that more or less confirm that my bf is bisexual. I have been to numerous websites and support groups including the straight spouse network. I find myself grateful that we never married, however that doesn't change the fact there is a child on the way.

Ive read different things from couples who stay in whats called "mixed orientation marriages" and "brokeback marriages" along with a few other things. They say its NOT my fault and that theres nothing I coulda done to change that. However, it doesn't change the fact it FEELS like my fault. That being said I know damn well I didn't "turn" him bisexual. I just feel used and pissed and betrayed that it took him being in a relationship with ME for 4½ years to bring out his inner bisexual.

I have NOTHING against gay or bisexual ppl. I have plenty of gay/bi friends. However every single last one of them tell me that they side with me on the fact that he shoulda been honest with me upfront before I got so deeply emotionally involved with him. That I agree with 100% but then again not many women think about that simple fact. No woman/Man should go about life in a romantic relationship wondering as to whether or not their partner is straight. Now if they happen to find out and/or know beforehand and are okay with it--thats different--to each their own--

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced my situation or know someone who has? It would be great to know I am not alone in this journey. All I know is Time Heals All Wounds No Matter How Painful.

I could sure use some advice and support!

Thanks!

[aelle]

My ex was slightly bi (something like a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale) and so am I. So what? When we were together we chose monogamy. Whoever else, male or female, he might have been attracted to didn't come into play in our relationship.

Until and unless your boyfriend is questioning his commitment to you or questioning the monogamous status of your relationship, nothing changes. Stay open to communicating with him and if he says he wants to be with you, trust him.

[Daffy Duck]

Hi Jessica. I was going to say the same thing Aelle did. How does him being bisexual change your committment to each other?

Is it possible that he is going through a rough time and has been trying to figure out his own sexuality for a while now? Have you two sat down and talked about it?

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by VetTechJess

...
I just feel used and pissed and betrayed that it took him being in a relationship with ME for 4½ years to bring out his inner bisexual.
...

How come you feel pissed and betrayed? Not saying you shouldn't but would it be possible for you to take another point of view?

E.g.:
- BF was ashamed to tell you
- BF wanted to try the 'straight only' variant with you
- BF loves you a lot; you're not together 4.5 years if he doesn't love you.
- BF needs sex with other partners (man or woman is not the issue I think; what would you feel if he only had women sex partners outside your relationship?)

Do you see possibilities for you to stay together? What needs to happen then? Or is is it split-up time?

[aggie]

was involved in 3 year relationship with someone that was extremely sexually dysfunctional...not that i wasn't which i guess is what attracted me to him...i was so hungry for something 'normal' and satisfying i went way over my edge with with a bit of kinkiness...i am pretty sure he was bi...or at least had tendancies...but outwardly appeared as the stud...and very homophobic... he also said he wished he could know how it was to be woman and get all the breaks in life by using their bodies...he was also messed up because his ex wife turned lesbian for a short period of time...anyway i digress...bottom line thru all of this because i loved him...i felt i could put up with and stay with him no matter what because it was his inherent being that i cared about...what ended it was i knew i was finally tired of the humiliation of his cheating and knowing i was not going to get what i wanted in anyway from this relationship. i also have know gay men who boast about the fiances, the husbands and boyfriends that they bed...unknown to the woman...which i feel is a horrible betrayal...it seems like a conguer game...the bottom line in honesty...no matter what...that is the only way for everyone to make decisions about the rest of their lives without having the other persons actions do it for them. i have also heard of the expression (from these gay men...again no offense...friend of mine) 'bi-curious'....to me a lot of times that is a straight guy who is drunk, want to have sex, can't get a woman...so he will take the next best thing....

[Cyllya]

Hmmm... please elaborate? I'm not understanding the problem. Normally your reaction would make me think that you're upset over something else (e.g. cheating or lying) and just blaming the bisexuality, but I figure that's not the case since you stress that you have nothing against gay/bi people.

To me, saying "No woman/Man should go about life in a romantic relationship wondering as to whether or not their partner is straight" seems similar to saying something like, "No woman/Man should go about life in a romantic relationship wondering as to whether or not their partner likes bananas." It's kind of surprising to learn something like that only after so many years, but why is it so upsetting? (True Story: I recently realized my best friend of ten years doesn't like bananas. I was really surprised!)

In addition to the things spirit4711 mentioned, there's also the fact that most people are straight, so a person will generally grow up assuming themselves to be straight. When they notice their feelings toward their same sex aren't what is normal, then they realize they're gay. (Sometimes this is when they're really young, sometimes they're already adults before they notice.) I can see why a bisexual person, especially one whose tastes lean towards the opposite sex, might take longer to realize this--especially if it's a man. Since non-straight men are looked upon very poorly in our society, a man may be less likely to stop and think about whether he's bi and will be in denial if he starts to suspect it. "[I]t took him being in a relationship with ME for 4½ years to bring out his inner bisexual" makes it sound like he just recently realized he was bisexual. You can't be mad at him for not telling you something he didn't know, right?

[carenkh]

I was thinking pretty much what Cyllya said - he was possibly hiding it from himself.

We had a support group at our church (Unitarian Universalist) for straight spouses for a few years. One couple I've gotten to know very well, I'm good friends with the gay husband. They are an amazingly loving couple, they've been married close to 20 years, have raised kids together. They had been married maybe 3 years when my friend was finally able to admit to himself that he was gay. They decided to remain married, because they felt like it was best for the kids, but the husband has explored relationships outside the marriage. I don't think he does any more.

I think you must have provided a safe, trusting space for your boyfriend to make the discovery!

[xoxo]

I can understand why you would be upset with this news, four and a half years of getting to know someone it is shocking. I would be more upset with the fact that him being bisexual he has sexual urges regardless if he choses to explores them or not are still there. I agree with you 100 % though you should of had this knowledge before or even sometime during the " getting to know eachother " phase, its very inconsiderate and selfish of him to do that. You've shared 4 years with him, and given him a considerable part of your life and your youth, you deserve honesty.

[VetTechJess]

Originally Posted by aelle

My ex was slightly bi (something like a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale) and so am I. So what? When we were together we chose monogamy. Whoever else, male or female, he might have been attracted to didn't come into play in our relationship.

Until and unless your boyfriend is questioning his commitment to you or questioning the monogamous status of your relationship, nothing changes. Stay open to communicating with him and if he says he wants to be with you, trust him.

I was thinking of the Kinsey Scale the other day and decided to take an online quiz to see where I rate--I was surprised that I rate at a 2!

A 3 on the Kinsey Scale is exactly half and half--

Weird...