Causing Someone Pain By Speaking the Truth

[Michelle]

I have had a strained relationship with my parents ever since I was a young girl. In the last few years, we have had virtually no contact. Basically, my childhood was an unhappy time.

A few days ago I wrote briefly concerning my father and growing up Catholic on my blog. Needless to say, my father read it and wrote me an angry email last night. He feels my childhood was full of love, joy and support. He blamed me for never wanting to follow the rules, and for going my own way. He claimed I was a child who was disobedient and used both him and my mother to get what I want.

Now, while not everything in my childhood was bad or painful, I was most certainly a generally lonely and unhappy child beginning from around the age of 6 (the time of my parents' divorce). My truth concerning that time of my life has nothing to do with joy.

Anyway, it is not my wish to cause anyone pain - including the people who may have caused me pain. Yet I wish to feel free in speaking my truth simply because anything else would be denial or a lie. And I feel my having come so far out of those experiences as I have could be of benefit to others ...

Has anyone been through this or have any thoughts? How can I remain true to myself without causing unnecessary pain to those who may simply not be able to face the truth?

[Genius_Cube]

Have you ever considered a personal journal? Publishing all the details of ones life can be a bad idea, but the need to express them is also there. Write them out, realise what you are trying to tell yourself, then turn the page.

[Colm OReilly]

Hey Michelle,

Overall it seems like you've a poor boundary function, meaning you allow people to influence you a lot. I say allow because it is a choice, even if it doesn't seem that way.

Your father's anger is his, you don't need to make it yours. It might be easier for him to react to something than you look at it.

But in that regard how much are you blaming your 'shortcomings' on your childhood and how you were brought up.

I have some family issues, chiefly concerning my mother and her family. Her mother spoiled my uncle and as a result he's not a very nice person. But my brother said smething that was really insightful - no matter how you're brought up at some point you've got to accept responsibility for who you are.

Now I understand you don't want to cause your father pain, there's two things that come to mind that could help. My coach told me that if we try to stop someone from pain we stop them from growth, and this might be worth thinking about. Is the truth more important than protecting someone's ego?

Also, have you accepted your father? He is who he is, and no matter how poorly he raised you he did the best he could with what he knew at the time. Both your parents did, and that's what we all do.

Personally I'd love to take my mother's pain away, but she's unwilling to have me help. I have to love her and accept it's not my place or purpose in this world to do that. Maybe someday, but not now.

Lots of love,
Colm

[Michelle]

Originally Posted by Colm OReilly

Overall it seems like you've a poor boundary function, meaning you allow people to influence you a lot. I say allow because it is a choice, even if it doesn't seem that way.

Hi Colm,

Thanks for your reply.

You are right about this ... I tend to fear that I am missing something or simply wrong. My inner antennae are very sensitive at picking up the state others are in, and I tend to listen to that more than myself. Unfortunately.

But in that regard how much are you blaming your 'shortcomings' on your childhood and how you were brought up.

Yes, I do this at least a little bit...

[Cron]

If you post something in a blog, on a forum, in usenet, or even an email list ( web archives ) you have to treat it as if you posting the information in a newspaper.

[Jill]

Has anyone been through this or have any thoughts? How can I remain true to myself without causing unnecessary pain to those who may simply not be able to face the truth?

Use a pseudonym?

[Michelle]

I would have had no problem publishing it in a newspaper. It is my life, and I will stand by that.

A pseudonym might be a good idea... but how to change everything already written? My domain already established ... I don't know

[Jill]

How do they know about it to begin with?

Seems to me that you probably wanted them to at some level?

[Michelle]

Well, it isn't hard to find and they know what I am doing over here ...

But you are probably right. I am really struggling with moving on from my past. Nothing has worked enough for me to break free and move on. So, perhaps I subconsciously wanted to create a conflict as a last resort.

[Cron]

Originally Posted by Michelle

I would have had no problem publishing it in a newspaper. It is my life, and I will stand by that.

A pseudonym might be a good idea... but how to change everything already written? My domain already established ... I don't know

The further you move away from the assumption that everything on the internet has the potential to be seen by everyone you know and that everything you post will be permanent the more unsure position you are in.

There are sites called web archives that will archive your site, without notice, and that are notoriously difficult about taking things down. There are a number of them.

At this point all you can really do is apologize to your parents if you feel you've wronged them by blogging about them, take your blog down, and put up under a new, more anonymous domain.

You might want to consider keeping an old fashioned paper diary with the aide of a locked drawer. If you feel a strong need to publicize your thoughts but keep some people put some kind of password protection on your site.

Sorry, you are in this spot. I learned these lessons the hard way myself.

Fortunately the stuff about me that is stuck on the web is fairly minor. I've heard stories about people being turned down for jobs by HR people who decided to google on them and who found unflattering things. Luckily, I rarely have put anything under my full name on the web.

[Michelle]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I have decided to continue on as I have and accept whatever consequences come with that. There was nothing false or wrong about what I wrote. It just broke a taboo established over the years of pretending everything was great during a time when it wasn't.

[Maguru]

I was 16 when I became a parent in the 60's. I now have four adult children and I know how hard I worked for my children. I know how many sacrifices I made for them. My life, basically. I really believed I had given them a happy childhood. I felt close to all of them.
After they all 'left the nest' so to speak, it was my turn. I left my unhappy marriage of 26yrs and went to uni.
Then the unthinkable happened, I fell to pieces and needed help badly for the 1st time in my life. The biggest family fued ensued and I saw my children as selfish, uncaring and so judgemental. I had never seen this before. I was going crazy. I lost them all. I could not understand what was going on. I was being the scapegoat. It was dreadful.
After a while my youngest daughter, around 30yrs old, got back in touch. I still saw the selfishness etc. but I wasn't going to lose her again. I gave her what she wanted but I listened intently. I asked questions. I saw her vulnerability that I hadn't seen before. I saw her struggle. I saw her confusion and unhappiness. Oh, this was hurting me. What had happened to my child?
Little by little the truth appeared. The truth of their childhoods. Not my perception, but the truth. There had been so much abuse going on that I was totally unaware of. They had all kept secrets believing that I already knew. I too believed I knew everything that was going on in my home.
I was shocked but I knew it was true. It threw me into despair. It broke my heart. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I now understand. I was responsible for these children. I was living in a different world to them. There was an underworld that I wasn't privy to and I should have been. Unawareness hey? What you don't know does hurt you.
Have pity on your parents. It isn't that we don't want the truth from you but for us to take that failure on the chin is devastating. Be strong and accept that which you cannot change. Don't give way to blame and judgement of your parents. We can only know what we know and it is your task to become more understanding through your own suffering. Bless us all.

Originally Posted by Michelle

I have had a strained relationship with my parents ever since I was a young girl. In the last few years, we have had virtually no contact. Basically, my childhood was an unhappy time.

A few days ago I wrote briefly concerning my father and growing up Catholic on my blog. Needless to say, my father read it and wrote me an angry email last night. He feels my childhood was full of love, joy and support. He blamed me for never wanting to follow the rules, and for going my own way. He claimed I was a child who was disobedient and used both him and my mother to get what I want.

Now, while not everything in my childhood was bad or painful, I was most certainly a generally lonely and unhappy child beginning from around the age of 6 (the time of my parents' divorce). My truth concerning that time of my life has nothing to do with joy.

Anyway, it is not my wish to cause anyone pain - including the people who may have caused me pain. Yet I wish to feel free in speaking my truth simply because anything else would be denial or a lie. And I feel my having come so far out of those experiences as I have could be of benefit to others ...

Has anyone been through this or have any thoughts? How can I remain true to myself without causing unnecessary pain to those who may simply not be able to face the truth?

[Matthew Shea]

Along the same lines as what Maguru said in her excellent post, I'd suggest that if you're up to it, Michelle, hash this out with your dad. Do it in person if possible; definitely not electronically. It could get really emotional and ugly for the both of you, but if you remain loving and try your best to understand his point of view, you'll feel a lot better when it's over. This is a risk, no doubt about it, but hopefully he'll try to be understanding, too, and you'll be able to unload a lot of your stress, which seems to be really holding you back, judging by this and some of your other posts.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck.

[Michelle]

I want to thank you both for your replies. A lot has changed since I originally posted this in January, however.

My choice was to cut my family out of my life completely. This decision was born of my wish to do the best for myself at this point after having tried to be the best for them since childhood and always failing miserably. Recovering from abuse has been a grueling process for me, and it took a lot of energy to finally send the clear signal that I wish to move on with my life. Abusers are not loving and understanding unless they want something. Otherwise they are violent, angry, controlling and irrational. The whole thing has made my life more joyful and healthy. In the end I had to learn that forgiveness means moving on, and not that suddenly things are lovey dovey and swell between all parties.

Perhaps if I would live closer things could be addressed, but living on another continent makes things more difficult. And, in the end, I am not sure that I would want to. When a person sacrifices all their energy and time trying to please and earn the unattainable love of their parents for the first quarter of their life, there has been enough trying and enough opportunity for change. My life and energy belong to me now, and I intend to use them well.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

As freeing as this decision has been for you, I am sure it's also tough (well, I speak from my own experience) to cut them out. I admire your strength to do what is best for you. I am finding that a really hard thing to know and do. There are some things that I don't think can be fixed...at least not until all parties involved are ready to do so. You seem to have made the right choice. I wish you continued joy and health.

[JohnPlace]

Originally Posted by Michelle

A few days ago I wrote briefly concerning my father and growing up Catholic on my blog. Needless to say, my father read it and wrote me an angry email last night. He feels my childhood was full of love, joy and support. He blamed me for never wanting to follow the rules, and for going my own way. He claimed I was a child who was disobedient and used both him and my mother to get what I want.

Parenting 101: When your child expresses unhappiness with the way they were raised, do not lash out. Lashing out only encourages the child to further alienate herself from the family.

Instead, your father would have been better served if he had used this as an opportunity to open a dialog with you about your childhood experiences.

One word of caution: Dialogues are a two-way street. As a child, you cannot fully appreciate the situation your parents were in when they raised you. No parent is perfect. So, in other words, dialog works best if both parent and "mature" child are willing to listen and understand.

Based on what you've told me thus far, I'm not optimistic about your father's willingness or capability to participate in a two-way dialog, but it's worth a shot. (One of the reasons I have reservations is because your father seems willing to blame a minor child for manipulating adult parents, which seems the height of insecurity).

Perhaps your father suffers from the same feelings of inadequacy you suffer from.

We all want our parents to accept and love us as we are, but you cannot afford to rely on that acceptance. You must learn to be happy without it.

Now, while not everything in my childhood was bad or painful, I was most certainly a generally lonely and unhappy child beginning from around the age of 6 (the time of my parents' divorce). My truth concerning that time of my life has nothing to do with joy.

My parents divorced when I was 7. As a result, I was caught in the Web of Family court, visitation, heated arguments, etc. It was not easy for me. So I can empathize with your pain.

Has anyone been through this or have any thoughts? How can I remain true to myself without causing unnecessary pain to those who may simply not be able to face the truth?

Colm was correct when he said, "no matter how you were raised, sooner or later you have to take responsibility for who you are."

And I also agree with Matthew that it's best to sort this out with your father in person, face to face.

But as I mentioned previously, the dialog *must* be two-way in order to work. In other words, you must be willing to listen to him, and he must be willing to listen to you. Blaming your father for the person you have become is not helpful to you or to him. While it is true that a mutal understanding between you and your father may provide catharsis, you have to be open to the possibility that mutual understanding is something you may never have. And you cannot let that hold you back from living the life you were meant to live.

[C33]

...maybe your father doesn't approve of the feelings you express in your blog, but maybe ( and surely ) you have inspired, helped, others by posting personal accounts of your life.

The greatest writers in the world could never have existed if they had thought or accounted for their parents' feelings...

If you feel better being away and having no contact with your family, without too much pain, more power to you. If you feel negatively judged and abused by them, you do not have to keep contact with them.

I lost my dad last year, and I cannot tell I had the best of relationship with him. Nevertheless, despite the awful and hurtful way he had treated me over the years, very similar to what you describe, we were lucky and blessed to part in good terms, he even said I was a great person, which he had never ever told me.Of course it would have been so much better to get to this kind of relationship before his departure. It is ironic that the less control he had over his brain, the less control he had over censoring himself and expressing his true feelings. Do not give up on hope.I wish that you find peace with your family. It takes tremenduous courage to do what you are doing. Do not close your heart, but protect it.

Best of luck.

[Sarasvati]

From what I've been learning about my own similar experiences, those people that 'lash out' are those that need our love. This is a difficult lesson, but if we are to grow, it is necessary to respond in love, not anger, hatred, or bitterness. When someone lashes out at us in anger, they are wanting our love. Perhaps he feels guilty, but is not near ready to admit that, and may never be. It is our job, to see that people that do this sort of thing to us, are hurting, and in need of our love (I think I repeated myself). We have to look at the 'whole' of the picture. We need to respond, not react from our own pain. We need to get beyond human, to that higher level of 'love'.

[Enlightenment]

Hi Michelle,

I went through the exact same thing. However, after years of trying to convince my parents that they hurt me, I gave up and cut all ties with them. A parent who doesn't even remember what they did wrong is, quite simply, in denial. Therefore, this person will NEVER change. And if you have children, I'd advise against leaving your children with them. Otherwise your children will be mistreated and even abused also.
The important part is to quit trying to convince them of the truth. You know what happened and you felt what happened. Nobody can deny that from you. Especially the people who did it TO you.
Your father is treating you like a child still. Why would he email you an angry letter about what you put on YOUR blog? What, does he want you to take the comments down? This would be just another way of him getting you to quell the truth yet again.
I'll tell you something, once my daughter recieved an unexpected birthday letter from my parents. It contained $5.75. Which made no sense to me as my daughter was turning 6. Go figure. But that isn't the real problem, the real problem is the struggle I have with myself for at least a week after the event. I cannot do anything. I get down. I get angry, resentful and I start self sabatoging. I know it is the little kid in me trying to dumb down in order to get the acceptance from a pair of rejecting parents, who will sadly, never really love me or accept me.
Anyway, you've surpassed their maturity level and that's a good thing. Some parents just never grow up and are always the children. But the most important thing I learnt from how they treated me, is to NOT act like them. If my child gets angry with me and tells me I have hurt them, or embarrassed them, as they case may be, I sit and listen and try to understand -- I want to understand because, I not only love them, but want them to love me. Which seems a bit selfish, but it sure beats them being messed up and angry at me later for not acknowledging their feelings now.
I hope this helps in the way that it shows that others have gone through the same thing. You are not the only one.

Kind regards,
E