Assumptions about how the other gender should act

[Scorpio]

There's another thread here that asks what you would do if your partner let themselves go and gained a lot of weight among other things.

A few of the female posters who responded used a variation of the line; "Well if he loves me should only care about what's inside. He shouldn't be bothered about superficial things like my appearance."

I've heard this line used in the real world before. What always got me about it was that the women said it as if it were some sort of universally agreed-upon law. As a guy I always thought "Whoa there. I don't know too many guys who ever signed up for conditions like that."

And it's true. Guys do care about their partner's appearance. Expecting otherwise doesn't reflect how the world really works. Not to say guys shouldn't be realistic about the effects of aging, pregnancy, etc., but it's not a given that the guy should never care about how his wife or girlfriend looks.

There are examples that go the other way as well. I've heard men say things like "If the guy wants to have sex, the woman should always have to accomdate him" or "If the man works, the woman should have dinner waiting for him when he gets home". I'm sure a lot of women would think "Hey, I never signed up for that!!!" to those assumptions.

Focus: What do you think about what I just said? Can you think of any other examples?

[mattsonn]

Yep. I don't know what else to say.

[Michelle]

My boyfriend cares how I look, but he wouldn't stop loving me if I gained weight. If I had to fear losing his love like that, it would be awful.

I think any situation where someone feels obligated to do something - be it wearing makeup, having sex, whatever - for fear of losing the love of their partner in a relationship is already problematic.

[RT Wolf]

Things like that stem fundamentally from differences between males and females. I'm not going to get into whether its genetic or environmental, but the short answer is that men and women see the world one way and over time become extremely used to their points of view and start attributing it to others. It's actually fairly common in human beings.

The important thing is to try to understand other people's perspective. For example, women are more likely to take group action by consensous. They are more likely to ask for everyone's opinion. They want to make sure everyone is on the same page and then move, while guys are more inclined to appoint (consciously or unconciously) a leader and go from there. Or guys will more likely to vote on a subject and take action rather than go by consensous. I can understand both perspectives and the pros and cons of each and that helps me to not think of how others "should" act but figure out what's best in a situation.

I don't know whether I've made myself clear, but the summary is this: People expect of others what they are either conditioned to expect or what they expect of themselves. However, there are often multiple perspectives and reasons on every issue and understanding the different perspectives is very important in interactions with anyone and not just members of the opposite sex.

[C33]

I agree with what men say: Mainly that women THINK that their appearance should not be an issue, but it actually is a huge one.

I know plenty of good looking women who attract/keep their partners mainly because of their looks.The husbands might have other women on the side, but they KEEP the beautiful partner.

I had men telling me in confidence, that, regardless of a woman's achievement or qualities, what they wanted the most in a woman was for her to be attractive.This was a shock, because these men had been claiming high and low that they wanted a good,intelligent, competent person in their lives,but when it came down to it, they wanted someone who had the aforementioned qualities yet, the most important quality was for the woman to be beautiful.


Women, in general, have very low standards as far as the appearance of the men in their lives. They are usually not looking for physical beauty but for social status. There is usually a trade: money for beauty.

Since I believe in equality, it seems that in all fairness, people shoud take care of their appearance within a relationship. Grooming is very important and not letting oneself go is a duty towards oneself and towards other people.

I wouldn t want a partner who wouldn t take care of himself physically. I always make sure that I am outwardly pleasant to the person I am with and I EXPECT my partner to return the favor.

It is a form of politeness to look good. Just as I don t like to look at myself when I am disheveled, I would not like anyone to be subjected to such a sight. I find out that my self image is impacted by the way I dress and carry myself and I want to be surrounded by people who put an effort in that department too, whether they are friends or lovers.

I truly would nt like to be with someone who would let himself go and dress like a slob. This is the outward evidence that something is wrong inside.It is not to say that I wouldn t show compassion, but I would expect this to be a short lived phase.Just as I wouldn t want a man who is depressed and down.


Basically, I set the same standards for others as I set for myself.

If I put effort to make myself beautiful and to be successful, I expect to get a partner that is attractive and successful. If I make a conscious effort to better myself inwardly or outwardly, I expect someone who is into self improvement. If a man has issues with the way I look or some extra pounds, then he has higher expectations and should go look for a "better" prospect.If a man wants me to look like a top model and looks like a toad, then, he is out of the door.

[openeyes]

There's something my dad has always said that seems to fit here: men love women for who they are (or appear to be), while women love men for who they could become. Usually one ends up with women who don't stay the same, and men who won't change

[Baltar]

Originally Posted by C33

I had men telling me in confidence, that, regardless of a woman's achievement or qualities, what they wanted the most in a woman was for her to be attractive.This was a shock, because these men had been claiming high and low that they wanted a good,intelligent, competent person in their lives,but when it came down to it, they wanted someone who had the aforementioned qualities yet, the most important quality was for the woman to be beautiful.

That's interesting. However, men have to realize that physical beauty is temporary -- it fades with age. In a way it's just an illusion. That said, I can't say that looks aren't important to me, but I don't expect a woman to look like a supermodel either. Also, I don't know how other men measure attractiveness but I mostly care about how the woman's face looks. That is after all what you'll be looking at most of the time.

Other than that my only requirement is that the woman's weight be within an acceptable, reasonable range for her height. I don't think I could become attracted to someone who is clearly obese. However if I was in an established relationship where my partner started to gain weight I'd be far more concerned about her health than her looks. Once you fall in love with someone their physical appearance becomes much less important.

[Stevie B]

The idea of attractiveness, I believe, actually encompases everything a person is. My proof is that I've seen models say something so horrible that they turned into the ugliest people I have ever seen. For some reason that same model looks unattractive all of a sudden. I see the real attractiveness of a person as not being entirely physical, but mental as well. I find that I look at someone's body language, what they say, how they say it AND look at how they look in order to judge someone's attractiveness. After I've looked at those four things, I will make an all encompassing comment that this person is attractive.

I do have to state, that I believe judging attractiveness is no different for men or women. I believe everyone encompasses all of these inputs and makes judgements on their own. How these inputs are weighed are different by the individual and not by the gender. You might see bias in these weights, but you can never state all men think x and all women think y because I can guarantee I can find someone who will go against that thinking.

Regarding having someone letting themselves go, if someone decides to do so it is a sign of something else going on inside their own head. Just think of a fitness nut who all of a sudden decides to be a coach potato, drink beer and wings and gain 50 pounds. If something like that happens, there must of have been something in the person's head to change their mind. Same goes with anyone else who decides to change who they are.

Steve

[Lychee]

Physical beauty fades with time, but inner beauty does not. That doesn't mean that a girl should become a complete slob and have an unkempt appearance, but neither should the guy. I think that guys have become increasingly more preoccupied with a woman's appearance because of the expectations the media has sent out. We should look for inner beauty.