met a girl at the gig part 2

[brendannz]

OK, so you may have seen my last post about meeting this girl at the gig.

I'm looking to improve myself from this situation, and learn my lessons.

Turns out the date didn't go very well at all, was about 20 minutes over the coffee and had a polite conversation, even though I talked about quite a lot of stuff. I did enjoy talking to her, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind for it at all. She hasn't replied to my email. Completely disinterested, although I got a kiss on the cheek when left, but just a polite gesture. Even if she does reply to my email (unlikely) I might have to just accept wasn't meant to be and say my head was in the wrong place.

But I think the real cause of the problem, is the fact that I was thinking about this girl the whole time, and was too forward in trying to get to know her, wanting to know all her favourite bands, activities and wanting to tell her all of mine etc. right away. So my overactive imagination about the whole thing was the real reason it didn't go so well. But then again maybe I was honest and myself when I met her, and it just wasn't meant to be. I missed a poker game with mates, and also another mate wanted to go bowling with me, but I learnt more lessons about facing fears with women so that's good. It saved me from thinking years from now that she might have been the one.

But anyway, it made me a little bit sad, for a day, but, I want to learn the lessons correctly, for the next time I find myself in this situation. (She took my hands and I held her for a bit and kissed her at the gig, as discussed, no big deal) I feel like a little bit of a tool, but then you hear many stories about dudes who pay loads of money on gifts for women they don't know, so at least I didn't waste my money like them.

I don't really think a relationship is best for me at the moment, because I have other things on in life that I need to get sorted, getting a new house, and getting a career. But the main thing is the next time I meet a girl like this, who seems like a dream girl and is all over me, I'll know how to handle it well. She was really attractive and nice, but obviously wasn't looking for a meaningful relationship too much, probably just was a bit drunk, and I was wearing a white t-shirt, so maybe I just looked hot at the time, also I wasn't feeling anxious, I was feeling good to the music. I am quite physically attractive.. (not to brag)

Hopefully I want to be more confident, and not take things too seriously again.

Would it be worth going on internet dating to just get used to meeting girls for dates, just for the social experience? I think I want to be more outgoing and meet more people generally, any ideas for going out to places where I can interact with girls as well as guys? and generally meet new people.

Also in dating what are some ways to be really honestly forward or flirting in your approach, rather than just asking a million 'get to know you' questions.

Also, I think I need to build confidence, I've had about 2 situations where I go to the job interview, and do really well and then the second interview I'm too nervous and don't do as well, so confidence is a big one..

Maybe also having a good sense of humour would be a good thing, I've got quite a good sense of humour, at times, but need to be able to use it for all situations. Just generally get more of a life..

Thanks to everyone who replied to my last thread..

And I promise everyone NO part 3 to this... hahah

[Deergirl]

You made a huge step forward by figuring out what happened.

I think internet dating wouldn't be a bad idea for you. It's a really good exercise in finding out how to flirt, how to get to know a girl, how to not worry too much when someone doesn't reply to your messages,... I did it last year as a social experiment as well. Just like you, I was rather shy when it came down to meeting guys in a romantic way. I always tried to be a "buddy" and was very successful at being "just friends". Signing up at an online dating site forced me to try to be more than just friends with a guy. I went through a lot of awkward situations but I learned so much about body language, getting disappointed (frequently) and general social skills through it. And I gained a lot of confidence as well. In the end I did meet a guy with who I just connected straight away. Our first date lasted nine hours. Go figure. And he became my boyfriend. Awww...

Other ways to show you are interested in a person aside from asking questions are:
- touching them. When they say something funny, touch their upper arm for example, but don't over do it.
- eye contact, don't underestimate the power of eye contact.
- smile and laugh a lot, it's scientifically proven that smiling people are more attractive. Than again, it's just a nice thing to do. Be funny, use that sense of humor that you've got. Girls like a good sense of humor in a guy.
- listen to what the other person is telling, let them finish their story. You can show that you are listening by nodding or by just saying "yeah" every once in a while
- be original in your dates, take her to the zoo instead of yet another bar It shows that you do want to make an effort for her.

You can find tons of these stuff online and in books. I hope it works out for you. I can only encourage you to do this and go for it whenever you feel the time it right.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Deergirl

You made a huge step forward by figuring out what happened.

I think internet dating wouldn't be a bad idea for you. It's a really good exercise in finding out how to flirt, how to get to know a girl, how to not worry too much when someone doesn't reply to your messages,... I did it last year as a social experiment as well. Just like you, I was rather shy when it came down to meeting guys in a romantic way. I always tried to be a "buddy" and was very successful at being "just friends". Signing up at an online dating site forced me to try to be more than just friends with a guy. I went through a lot of awkward situations but I learned so much about body language, getting disappointed (frequently) and general social skills through it. And I gained a lot of confidence as well. In the end I did meet a guy with who I just connected straight away. Our first date lasted nine hours. Go figure. And he became my boyfriend. Awww...

Other ways to show you are interested in a person aside from asking questions are:
- touching them. When they say something funny, touch their upper arm for example, but don't over do it.
- eye contact, don't underestimate the power of eye contact.
- smile and laugh a lot, it's scientifically proven that smiling people are more attractive. Than again, it's just a nice thing to do. Be funny, use that sense of humor that you've got. Girls like a good sense of humor in a guy.
- listen to what the other person is telling, let them finish their story. You can show that you are listening by nodding or by just saying "yeah" every once in a while
- be original in your dates, take her to the zoo instead of yet another bar It shows that you do want to make an effort for her.

You can find tons of these stuff online and in books. I hope it works out for you. I can only encourage you to do this and go for it whenever you feel the time it right.

Thanks for your reply!

I think at this stage in my life, I'm not totally ready for dating, I've just bought a house, (I'm 27 if anyone wonders) and so I've got to get all of that stuff sorted out, plus I've got to finish this assignment and stuff and the study I'm doing. Get all of that out of the way. Then I'll probably work on building confidence and having a more outgoing and interesting life.

I think the sense of humour thing is just a matter of being relaxed. Like if you tell a funny joke, in a dead serious tone, it won't be funny, so it's just a matter of being relaxed and having fun on the date, rather than too serious, then sense of humour comes through naturally. 90% of communication non-verbal. Also, I'll make sure I never try and get as many details as possible through email, maybe just a bit of background so when I meet then I have stuff to talk about, and then get to know in person..

What are your thoughts about people on internet dating? lots of freaks? lots of normal people? I suppose it's the same as meeting someone in another context. I suppose everybody's got their good and bad points..

[Daffy Duck]

Although the date may not have gone as well as you might have hoped, it was a good thing you did it. Nice job, mate.

Internet dating -- well, let's see. My friend has met some nice people thru Internet dating. My girlfriend randomly found me on Myspace... we became friends and then a couple. My brother met his wife over ten years ago in an America Online chat room. They're happily married with three children now.

Conclusion: Internet dating is good. There are lots of freaks and lots of normal people -- just like offline. You may find more people online who are a little shy, though, I'm just guessing.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Although the date may not have gone as well as you might have hoped, it was a good thing you did it. Nice job, mate.

Internet dating -- well, let's see. My friend has met some nice people thru Internet dating. My girlfriend randomly found me on Myspace... we became friends and then a couple. My brother met his wife over ten years ago in an America Online chat room. They're happily married with three children now.

Conclusion: Internet dating is good. There are lots of freaks and lots of normal people -- just like offline. You may find more people online who are a little shy, though, I'm just guessing.

The date helped me realise my head wasn't really in the right place..

I'm thinking of trying internet dating, just for the sole purpose of building confidence with dating. But it's not really best for me to be emotionally involved with anyone in this stage of my life.. I've just bought a house, so should get that move sorted out first.

I think I need to improve my general self confidence as well.

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by brendannz

But it's not really best for me to be emotionally involved with anyone in this stage of my life.. I've just bought a house, so should get that move sorted out first.

I'm surprised you'd think being busy moving would preclude starting a relationship. To me it would seem a great time for dating- having a busy non-dating life is helpful because you don't have the time to emotionally over-invest in every date or to chase unavailable women.

Of course if it is a cross-country move, then better to look for women near your new home, not ones that will quickly become long-distance... but moving to a new city is also a great excuse for approaching new people, and for arranging meetups from online dating sites.

Also many women enjoy participating in the "setting up a new house" tasks, so you might make a date out of your necessary errands. How we each furnish our homes says a lot about our lifestyle and values, so I think shopping/decorating together can be a great way to get to know someone and assess compatibility (and if you feel a date is overbearing, pushing you into something you don't like, well then there's your answer!).

Anyway, I just think guys too often decide to postpone dating until they have nothing else going on in their life when actually a busy life can enhance dating success.

[SimonaRich]

Funny enough it may be that you showed too much interest in her and sometimes girls are put off by that. You show that you really like her and they think that they won you over so they become disinterested. Just a thought.

I think it is quite good idea to try internet dating to practice your social skills.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by jaamkie

I'm surprised you'd think being busy moving would preclude starting a relationship. To me it would seem a great time for dating- having a busy non-dating life is helpful because you don't have the time to emotionally over-invest in every date or to chase unavailable women.

Anyway, I just think guys too often decide to postpone dating until they have nothing else going on in their life when actually a busy life can enhance dating success.

Thanks for the tip, I'll keep that in mind. I think it's more a matter of balancing a relationship, with a busy life, and not a matter of one or the other...

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by SimonaRich

Funny enough it may be that you showed too much interest in her and sometimes girls are put off by that. You show that you really like her and they think that they won you over so they become disinterested. Just a thought.

I think it is quite good idea to try internet dating to practice your social skills.

Thanks for your reply!, I don't think it's so much what I did consciously to put her off, I think it's the fact that I was too nervous and serious around her.. Like I tried to get to know her, and her to know me, but I really should have focussed on having fun and being more fun, and getting to know her along the way... Although maybe I did telegraph too much interest by looking into her eyes too much..

But it was really probably my first formal date ever, so you've got to learn somewhere.. (In NZ, we're not always formal about dating, probably a small population thing)

That might also be that I'm an introvert, but I can have fun with my friends, so want to be able to apply that fun to relationships.
When she dídn't reply to my email, I was a bit disappointed, but it gave me the self-reflection I needed. Plus, really there's only one way to learn how to have relationships.

I think I attracted her at the gig because I was feeling good, and talking to people I didn't even know and generally being fun. Plus she said to me that she was new to town and looking to meet new people, so naturally I was really welcoming (wouldn't you be if someone said that to you?).. Really she showed too much interest initially grabbing my hand at the gig after a little conversation, but I decided that I liked her, and so kind of shared the night with her.. Plus live music is a pretty spiritual experience for me, if it's the right band, so that's partly why I build it up in my head to be a massive event..

Also maybe it's just that my confidence wasn't high enough and need to work on that... I don't think that the date went particularly badly, she was really sweet and nice, but it's just that I don't think I was in the right headspace to be in a relationship with her, which is why what happened happened.. But, I'm going to go and work on improving my general self-confidence..

Plus, I'll probably see her at another gig, so if she wants to talk again, and I'm in the right headspace, you never know, but for now just forget about her and work on improving confidence by experiencing the world & this life and learning to not to care too much about others opinions!