Social dilemma

[Indiana]

My friend A’s birthday dinner is coming up. It’s going to be a fairly small event, about eight people. One of those people is my former boss, C.

I cannot stand C. After headhunting me for a job, she then made that job almost unbearable. She was catty, snarky, manipulative and paranoid. Although I loved the work and the team, which included A, I eventually could not stand her anymore, and left. I have no real understanding why C turned on me (some have suggested professional jealousy) but her bad treatment of me was acknowledged and puzzled over by my workmates. I should have left much earlier but it took me a while to wise up.

However, A remains friends with C and still works with her. Their friendship has its ups and downs but that’s their own dynamic and I try not to judge it, or at least not voice my judgments to A.

Much as I’d like to go to A’s birthday dinner, I know I won’t enjoy it if C is there. C always wants to be the centre of attention, and almost everything that comes out of her mouth is self-aggrandising or mean. To me, she is totally toxic and I prefer not to be around her.

So what do I do here? Do I go for A's sake and make polite chit-chat with someone I really dislike? (This seems inauthentic.) Do I tell A that I would love to come but won't because I find C unbearable to be around? (This is honest, but I don’t want to make A feel as though she has to pick a friend.) Do I lie and say I already have plans for the evening? Or is there another option that I can’t see?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Or is there another option that I can’t see?

Sure -- the most challenging and the most potentially beneficial to you, growth-wise.

I know and admire you well enough to know that you can see this one if you look.

[Indiana]

Ha, thanks Angela.

And I know! But I'm finding it hazy, and am hoping for some prompts!

When C gossips or bitches about someone, or tells a self-aggrandising tale or directs a barbed comment at me, I can see those things are coming from a placed of extreme insecurity. I don't take the things she says personally, I just find dealing with her unpleasant, and I struggle to get my head around the idea of trying to support someone I find bafflingly aggressive and negative.

I feel like I should be responding in a way that tries to support the place of hurt or insecurity that her comments are coming from (at least, that's the way I perceive it) but I have to measure those responses - they're not instinctive for me - and I feel like it's obvious I'm trying to decide how to respond. This provokes her too, and she sometimes accuses me, asking "What, are you trying to make me feel/look bad/stupid?" My instinctive internal response is "No, you're doing that yourself," but I'm aware that's not a helpful response, but genuinely I'm not trying to make her look bad, I just don't know how to deal with her.

So most of the time I just let her comments pass (which I know exacerbates the problem) rather than respond. How do I deal with her in a way that doesn't support her negativity, but doesn't cause conflict at the dinner table?

[Angela]

First: you know this feeling you get when you think about being in her presence and dealing with her? If this feeling had a name, what would it be?

[Indiana]

I guess it's a mix of anxiety and resistance. I feel closed and resentful.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Indiana

I guess it's a mix of anxiety and resistance. I feel closed and resentful.

Great. What is the earliest incident in your life that you remember feeling anxious, resistant, closed, and resentful? How old were you? Who was there? What happened?

[newsbone]

Forget about your history with C and make A’s day successful both by your presence and by avoiding all the seductive opportunities that might arise thus failing the day. I think C will look for an opportunity to wrestle with you don’t fall into her trap, make your friends day a day of happy memories and not of a disgruntled former employee squaring out with his a former boss (that is how most of the people at the party would think)

[Andy4]

Hi Indiana,

Yeah, situations like these are never easy are they.

I agree, the reasons for 'C's' cattyness and agression towards you are jealousy, professional or otherwise and deep-rooted insecurity.

I personally would go on your friends birthday dinner, for several reasons.

Obviously 'A' is your friend and you want her to have a good birthday but also I'd go for you, go and hold your head up high, you've moved on so don't let 'C' get to you, if she's funny with you just laugh at her , politety of course.

You might be surprised, she may be ok with you, either way I'd be okay with her, that way you will win the day.

A big bonus to this is the next time a similar situation occurs you will be better equipped to deal with it. Action conquers fear. Please let me know how you go on.

I only got up to feed my liddle puddycats, I'm going back to bed now, have a good weekend.

Andy.

[Indiana]

Thanks for your responses everyone, I do think that going to the dinner would be the right thing to do.

Angela, it took me a while to think of this situation but when I was about six, I was over at a schoolfriend's house. She told me she was going to do something fun on the weekend with her family, and I felt envious, so I told her my brother and I were going to the local swimming pools the next day, which wasn't true.

She then went to her mother and told her she wanted to go to the pools with us. Her mother rang mine to ask if she could come, but of course, my mother knew nothing of the plans.

At that time I felt anxious about being found out, resentful that my friend had 'put' me in this situation (why couldn't she be content with just doing what she had planned/why didn't I just ask to come with her), resistant to her mother calling mine and closed (didn't want to confess I had made it up).

[Angela]

Great! Now, consider that in that moment, feeling anxious and resistant and resentful, you made a decision about yourself, like "I am _____." You're six years old, you are right in the middle of a situation that is pretty hard for someone with a six year old kid's resources to manage effectively, and you come up with a decision about yourself so that you can survive it. That's how limiting decisions are born. We spend a lot of energy trying to prove they're not true, and a lot of energy trying to avoid people finding out they ARE true. Exhausting!

What do you think that decision was? When you get it, it will land on you like a ton of bricks, because that decision has been running you since you were a little bitty girl.

Take a look: "I am ______."

[Cameron Teone]

Hey Indiana,

I've been in similar situations before and so here is what I'd offer. By the way, this is not professional advice or any pretense about some worldly solution. Just personal opinion.

It sounds like person A is a friend of yours. Person C is a scumbag. That's the gist of it right? I'd say go to the party. If you don't go, then you're letting C affect your lifestyle and what you normally would have done.

Once you get there, C is going to be a scumbag as usual. Unless she went through some extreme metamorphosis, which is highly doubtful. Here is thing though: People have as much as credibility as you give them.

If *I* were you in your situation, I'd go and I'd say hello to "C," chat for about 10 seconds, (hello, things are good, later) and then focus on interacting with the people I do actually ENJOY interacting with. For the most part, I'd ignore person "C". It's not because I am trying to make a point or trying to piss off "C." It's just obvious that this person doesn't bring any value to people's lives. I'd rather associate with a better class of people. I definitely don't want to make small talk/chit-chat with a person whom I don't care for.

That's the option you can't see. You can go and pretty much enjoy yourself while ignoring the a**hole. If she tries to make conversation, cut it short after a few seconds.

"It's good talking to you. I am going to grab some food/go to the bathroom, etc..."

She'll get the hint that you don't want to talk to her. The tone is not hostile or angry. Just assertive.

Let us know how it goes. ;-)


-----------------

Indiana wrote:

:

My friend A’s birthday dinner is coming up. It’s going to be a fairly small event, about eight people. One of those people is my former boss, C.

I cannot stand C. After headhunting me for a job, she then made that job almost unbearable. She was catty, snarky, manipulative and paranoid. Although I loved the work and the team, which included A, I eventually could not stand her anymore, and left. I have no real understanding why C turned on me (some have suggested professional jealousy) but her bad treatment of me was acknowledged and puzzled over by my workmates. I should have left much earlier but it took me a while to wise up.

However, A remains friends with C and still works with her. Their friendship has its ups and downs but that’s their own dynamic and I try not to judge it, or at least not voice my judgments to A.

Much as I’d like to go to A’s birthday dinner, I know I won’t enjoy it if C is there. C always wants to be the centre of attention, and almost everything that comes out of her mouth is self-aggrandising or mean. To me, she is totally toxic and I prefer not to be around her.

So what do I do here? Do I go for A's sake and make polite chit-chat with someone I really dislike? (This seems inauthentic.) Do I tell A that I would love to come but won't because I find C unbearable to be around? (This is honest, but I don’t want to make A feel as though she has to pick a friend.) Do I lie and say I already have plans for the evening? Or is there another option that I can’t see?

[James81]

Ok, here's the deal. This is A's birthday party, not C's.

That means that you only need to ask yourself ONE question:

Am I A's friend?

The answer to that question will determine what the answer is to whether you should go to the party.

F**k C. This isn't about her or you. Going to this party isn't about YOUR enjoyment either. It's about your friendship with A. Are you her friend or not?

If you go to the party, focus on A and ignore C.

[funchy]

Go. You're there to see A and wish her a happy birthday.

You're a better person than C. There is no reason you can't be in a social setting with C & be civil and polite.

If you told A "I'm not coming if you invite C" that's drama A isn't going to want to hear about. It's not A's problem you hate C. Don't let the drama ruin A's party. Go. Be an polite civil adult. Move on from your grudge against C. You will meet other people in this world who are as bad or worse than C, and you can't always stay at home hiding from those you don't like.

Look at it this way: if C doesn't like you, wouldn't it just bug the heck out of him/her that C has to be polite to you all night at this party?

[Angela]

Sure, you can go to the party (and go through life!) with attitudes of, "F*ck that person! I'm the better person, and I'm taking the high road! This is not about my enjoyment, it's about A's!" ..... you could go to the party and endure it as a tribute to your pal (What a fun party attitude! ) or totally turn your back on 1/8th of the guests or punish her by forcing her to be gracious to you.

OR.... you could look boldly at your own gunk, take a look at what is the old pain decision that is getting reactivated here and is taking away your power to be the mistress of your own state. Woudn't it be nice to find out what your unconscious old pain -- that has absolutely nothing to do with C -- she just happens to be a generous reactivator for you, an angel who is delivering the opportunity for you to resolve this old pain for good -- and to feel really FREE to feel the way you'd like to feel, and to joyfully celebrate your friend's big day, free of any old gunk bugging you around the edges?

Just askin'.

[Cameron Teone]

Indiana,

Well, you could try to NLP The heck out of yourself and end up being one of those weirdos who is trying to reframe every single thing in your life at every turn. (And pretty soon, like most NLP People, you may end up being perceived creepy.)

OR

You could man up! (Pardon the gender-specific expression.) Real people live in the real world, and the Real world sometimes has people who are as*holes. Can't get too worked up over it. It's how you deal with it, and better come up with REAL-WORLD Solutions, because you're probably going to run into this type of person again.

Figure out how you're going to deal with these types of people in a way that makes sense to you & your personality.

[Angela]

ooooooh, meeeYOWWW, Cameron!

Originally Posted by Cameron Teone

Real people live in the real world, and the Real world sometimes has people who are as*holes.

The world is a mirror -- if you're seeing a*holes and scumbags, you've got to change what you're doing to see something different in the reflection. When you change how you look at yourself, and are able to let go of the limiting beliefs you've got that keep you separate from the infinite beauty, power, joy, and abundance that is who you are, all of a sudden the mirage of as*holes and scumbags just *Poof!* disappears. Like magic, except not.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Angela

Sure, you can go to the party (and go through life!) with attitudes of, "F*ck that person! I'm the better person, and I'm taking the high road! This is not about my enjoyment, it's about A's!" ..... you could go to the party and endure it as a tribute to your pal (What a fun party attitude! ) or totally turn your back on 1/8th of the guests or punish her by forcing her to be gracious to you.

OR.... you could look boldly at your own gunk, take a look at what is the old pain decision that is getting reactivated here and is taking away your power to be the mistress of your own state. Woudn't it be nice to find out what your unconscious old pain -- that has absolutely nothing to do with C -- she just happens to be a generous reactivator for you, an angel who is delivering the opportunity for you to resolve this old pain for good -- and to feel really FREE to feel the way you'd like to feel, and to joyfully celebrate your friend's big day, free of any old gunk bugging you around the edges?

Just askin'.

And for the low low price of $299, Angela will show you how to do that! lol

[Angela]

Originally Posted by James81

And for the low low price of $299, Angela will show you how to do that! lol

Actually, that's not a service I charge for -- it's one I am offering to talk Indiana through here on the forum, and something I've done many, many times here on the forums. I guess maybe you have missed those threads.

You have to be my client before I charge for my services, and I don't accept just anyone as a client -- for instance, I won't take anyone who lives entirely at the effect of external circumstances.

What I've been speaking of in this thread is not NLP, by the way.

Looking boldly at yourself and being willing to take 100% responsibility for getting the results you want in life, and noticing that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available (as opposed to thinking of people as as*holes or scumbags), is not something I could charge anyone to teach, much as I advocate it. You've either got the willingness or you don't, and if you don't, that's fine, but I'm not the coach for you, not for money and not for free. Once in awhile I come across someone like Indiana, who clearly is interested in being at cause in her life, and I poke her with the 'take a bold look' stick. Indiana doesn't strike me as the kind of person who is willing to just go through life reluctantly enduring the presence of people or things that bug her -- I could be wrong, but I suspect she's more interested in being powerful, free, and joyful, and being in charge of how she feels.

But don't worry, Indiana, you won't be receiving an invoice.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Angela

Actually, that's not a service I charge for -- it's one I am offering to talk Indiana through here on the forum, and something I've done many, many times here on the forums. I guess maybe you have missed those threads.

You have to be my client before I charge for my services, and I don't accept just anyone as a client -- for instance, I won't take anyone who lives entirely at the effect of external circumstances.

What I've been speaking of in this thread is not NLP, by the way.

Looking boldly at yourself and being willing to take 100% responsibility for getting the results you want in life, and noticing that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available (as opposed to thinking of people as as*holes or scumbags), is not something I could charge anyone to teach, much as I advocate it. You've either got the willingness or you don't, and if you don't, that's fine, but I'm not the coach for you, not for money and not for free. Once in awhile I come across someone like Indiana, who clearly is interested in being at cause in her life, and I poke her with the 'take a bold look' stick. Indiana doesn't strike me as the kind of person who is willing to just go through life reluctantly enduring the presence of people or things that bug her -- I could be wrong, but I suspect she's more interested in being powerful, free, and joyful, and being in charge of how she feels.

But don't worry, Indiana, you won't be receiving an invoice.

Heh, I was just yanking your chain anyway.

[Indiana]

It's really interesting to see the range of responses to the situation, thank you everyone.

In one way, it would be easy for me to think, 'Yeah, I can suck it up because I'm the better person and C is just a sad, negative b*tch'. But that doesn't really resolve anything because it allows my negative feelings about C to continue, and also enforces unpleasant characteristics in my personality, like 'judgmental' and 'smug'. It's tempting to do that because when someone has treated you badly, you want to believe it's because they are bad and can't see how you are good. However I have to imagine that if C treats me badly, it's because she has decided I am bad and she is good.

So to you, Angela, who seems like the best person to get me through that thinking.

It's actually the first time I've tried something like this so I feel like the answers are taking some work. My instant response to the first situation was: "I must not make up stories".... very interesting for someone who writes for a living!

But I feel like that's only half of it, and I'm still looking for the 'I am ______'. Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself here, as I'm trying to grab at something that I can apply to both the situations and get some answers in the second. I'm still going!!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Indiana

However I have to imagine that if C treats me badly, it's because she has decided I am bad and she is good.

That's okay if she makes those judgements about you, because it doesn't mean anything about you. It would mean something about you, though, as you've noticed, if you indulge in judgements about here -- it means you'd be limited in your ability to influence the situation, just as she is if she makes judgements like that. Does that give you access to some compassion for her?

It's actually the first time I've tried something like this so I feel like the answers are taking some work. My instant response to the first situation was: "I must not make up stories".... very interesting for someone who writes for a living!

But I feel like that's only half of it, and I'm still looking for the 'I am ______'. Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself here, as I'm trying to grab at something that I can apply to both the situations and get some answers in the second. I'm still going!!

That's great -- and thanks for taking on my questions, it means a lot to me. Try this on, to help you get to the decision (the "initiating incident"): "I must not make up stories and that means that I am ________." Keep going with "......and THAT means that I am _____" until you hear yourself saying the decision that *clicks* into place for you -- you'll know it when you get there, because it will feel VERY familiar to you.

It can take some looking -- the decision designs itself so that it's hard to find. One thing I find is that the decision itself is often what gets in the way of realizing it.

[Cameron Teone]

Angela wrote:

The world is a mirror -- if you're seeing a*holes and scumbags, you've got to change what you're doing to see something different in the reflection. When you change how you look at yourself, and are able to let go of the limiting beliefs you've got that keep you separate from the infinite beauty, power, joy, and abundance that is who you are, all of a sudden the mirage of as*holes and scumbags just *Poof!* disappears. Like magic, except not.

You bring up a good point. That point is this: Statements like in the paragraph above are why I keep myself distanced from the Self-help people in general.

Sometimes, life can be difficult but you work through the tough times and you’re better for it. That’s how character is built. You don’t become consumed with pretending how everyone is just soooo awesome, yayyyy, and you don’t become consumed with people who are a*sholes.

If all you’re seeing is one polarizing opposite or the other, then you have delved to the extreme of both sides.

You look at the path of success people, and you find that they focus on their goals and objectives. Makes pretty good sense. They don’t become entangled in negativity, but they also don’t delude themselves in this phony positivity about, “Oh, wait, no more as*holes, we shipped them all away on a boat to oblivion, and now the world is one giant fiesta.”

They accept that along the way, there will be people who are fantastic individuals. You'll meet life long friends are who are incredible people. On the same token, there will be those who are sleazy, sneaky, and charlatans. By accepting both sides, you learn to DEVELOP SOCIAL SKILLS to deal with the situation and the people of various ilk.

I’d like to see people who spout off the advice in the quote above, go back to 1942, and tell that to some poor kid whose grandparents are being shipped to concentration camps in Nazi Germany. “Hey, little kid, see the people about to murder your grandparents? See the good in those people, discover the joy and abundance, the Nazis just, poof, disappear.”

Are ALL people just this one way or the other? Of course not! You’ll encounter the skills and grit to deal with situations presented to you.

Anyhow, just my opinion. I am not going to claim some sort of spiritual superiority which is customary in the field of self-help ;-)

hope you're having a good weekend,
take care
Cameron

[James81]

Originally Posted by Cameron Teone

Angela wrote:





You bring up a good point. That point is this: Statements like in the paragraph above are why I keep myself distanced from the Self-help people in general.

Sometimes, life can be difficult but you work through the tough times and you’re better for it. That’s how character is built. You don’t become consumed with pretending how everyone is just soooo awesome, yayyyy, and you don’t become consumed with people who are a*sholes.

If all you’re seeing is one polarizing opposite or the other, then you have delved to the extreme of both sides.

You look at the path of success people, and you find that they focus on their goals and objectives. Makes pretty good sense. They don’t become entangled in negativity, but they also don’t delude themselves in this phony positivity about, “Oh, wait, no more as*holes, we shipped them all away on a boat to oblivion, and now the world is one giant fiesta.”

They accept that along the way, there will be people who are fantastic individuals. You'll meet life long friends are who are incredible people. On the same token, there will be those who are sleazy, sneaky, and charlatans. By accepting both sides, you learn to DEVELOP SOCIAL SKILLS to deal with the situation and the people of various ilk.

I’d like to see people who spout off the advice in the quote above, go back to 1942, and tell that to some poor kid whose grandparents are being shipped to concentration camps in Nazi Germany. “Hey, little kid, see the people about to murder your grandparents? See the good in those people, discover the joy and abundance, the Nazis just, poof, disappear.”

Are ALL people just this one way or the other? Of course not! You’ll encounter the skills and grit to deal with situations presented to you.

Anyhow, just my opinion. I am not going to claim some sort of spiritual superiority which is customary in the field of self-help ;-)

hope you're having a good weekend,
take care
Cameron

Absolutely fantastic post. Nice to meet another realist here.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Cameron Teone

You don’t become consumed with pretending how everyone is just soooo awesome, yayyyy, and you don’t become consumed with people who are a*sholes.

I could be wrong, but I'm not sure that Angela is trying to suggest that "everyone is just soooo awesome, yay" but more that people are just people, and have equal potential to be good and bad, and that what they do reflects the best of their understanding at a particular time.

Like I said, right now I feel like I am the 'good' person in this situation and 'C' is the 'bad' one, but I equally understand that her actions suggest she sees me as the 'bad' person and her as the 'good' one. This shows that badness and goodness are largely matters of perception.

I’d like to see people who spout off the advice in the quote above, go back to 1942, and tell that to some poor kid whose grandparents are being shipped to concentration camps in Nazi Germany. “Hey, little kid, see the people about to murder your grandparents? See the good in those people, discover the joy and abundance, the Nazis just, poof, disappear.”

I'm not terribly schooled in history, (and according to Godwin's Law, this discussion is already over) but it strikes me that the Nazi regimen was enabled to happen by people who really believed they were doing the right thing.

Do you really think that the Holocaust happened because millions of people who were all inherently evil or bad just all happened to be living in Germany? Or do you think that those millions of people acted or tacitly allowed things to happen because to the best of their understanding, those things were right?

The potential for good or bad acts exists in all of us. Although I'm still getting my head around the concepts, I do see that once you start seeing people as beings who operate according to their achieved level of consciousness, and not good people/bad people, then in some respects, the 'bad guys' do just "poof, disappear", because the badness is a matter of your own perception.

As they say, when you know better, you do better.

And as Earl says, I'm just tryin' a be a better person.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Cameron Teone

...
I’d like to see people who spout off the advice in the quote above, go back to 1942, and tell that to some poor kid whose grandparents are being shipped to concentration camps in Nazi Germany. “Hey, little kid, see the people about to murder your grandparents? See the good in those people, discover the joy and abundance, the Nazis just, poof, disappear.”
...

I think you're missing a distinction here. You can accept people for who they are, and still not accept their behaviour. You get problems if you don't accept people ('they are bad, so I'll <whatever>'). Then you act out of resistance, and usually that doesn't work.

There's a quote I read a long time ago: 'no man is a villain in his own eyes.' When I read that the first time, I immediately resisted that statement. Since then I've discovered that whenever I go to 'he / she is bad' it doesn't help me or the other person.

Doesn't mean I accept bad behaviour though, but at last I'm learning to distinguish a person from his behaviour. Works better for me.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's great -- and thanks for taking on my questions, it means a lot to me. Try this on, to help you get to the decision (the "initiating incident"): "I must not make up stories and that means that I am ________." Keep going with "......and THAT means that I am _____" until you hear yourself saying the decision that *clicks* into place for you -- you'll know it when you get there, because it will feel VERY familiar to you.

Okay, I'm there!

The two parts are separate for me. The first is "I must not make up stories", which goes to my perception of myself as a person who relays facts (journalist), not someone who writes fiction (story-writer). This is something I'll think on later because while it's true (in as far as it's a limiting belief I have) it's not relevant right here.

The second is "I am not good enough if I do not have what others have". This took a while to work out because I actually don't care much for what my possessions say about me, although I do care for things I find beautiful, if that makes sense.

But C is someone who cares deeply about the validation of external trappings, and when I think about it, I now realise she saw as my job as being about validating external trappings. So our conflict came because we were trying to achieve different things through me. It pushed my buttons because she wanted me to care about something I don't really care about, and I was turning that into a personal judgment on myself. And it pushed her buttons because I don't care about something that she sees as an important form of validation.

HOLY SH!T. I JUST GOT THIS. I can't believe it took me so long.

Okay there are a lot of lessons I can take from this and apply to my life.

Thank you so much Angela! I know there's no invoice coming, but do you have a 'donate' button on your site?!

[Inscient]

I have been in a similar situation myself, in my case I did not go and had a birthday dinner with friend A about a day later. It was great.

I don't want to spend time in the company of someone I don't like if I can help it.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Indiana

"I am not good enough if I do not have what others have".

Wonderful! Can you start to see where in your life believing this thought has run you, like a habitual thought, and had you operating as if you had very limited choice? Trying to prove that you're good enough and at the same time avoiding people finding out that you're not? -- that's at your child-self level; of course your grown-up self knows you're good enough, but when the child-self has got a limiting decision like this, it's the kid who runs the show.

So now, can you see the impact that believing that thought has had on you all these years? Can you see the impact that your believing that thought has had on others all these years? Really look. You'll be amazed.

What would be possible in your life if you were not believing that thought? What might show up?

[Angela]

Cameron, it's not that the as*holes and scumbags themselves disappear, the person doesn't get shipped away on a boat , it's the assholery and scumbaggery that disappear as you let go of the limiting beliefs that have a person separated from his own magnificence.

The more beauty one finds in himself, the more it shows up in others. He can still make evaluations, of course, and that may very well involve avoiding certain people (like certain personal development people ) if their actions don't work well in your life. You're right, it would be dumb to meekly allow behavior from others to run rampant in your life, without having any consequences such as your taking a stand or staying away from them or whatever else is your next right action.

And when you make a judgement about someone personally, like "he's a as*hole," it doesn't mean anything at all about the "as*shole" -- it's probably not going to make a positive difference in how he behaves around you; just the opposite most likely. "He's an as*hole" is a way to limit yourself -- by slapping this judgement on the guy, you rob yourself of influence in the situation, and it also generally feels bad, except maybe you get to feel that "spiritual superiority" thing that you decry, because you get to feel a little better that YOU are not an as*hole like all those as*holes out there. That's not really authentic good-feeling, though, as far as I'm concerned -- it's just barely coping, when personal development for smart people is more about mastery and beyond.

When you let go of judgements, you become more flexible in your thinking and conversation, and that flexibility gives you more influence. The rigid, judgemental thinker and talker is more likely to say and think things that keep as*holery and scumbaggery going (like, when you yell "you as*hole!" at a driver who cuts you off, and they flip you the bird, and then you move to cut them off, etc... the whole Palestine-Israel conflict reenacted on the 405 Freeway). And as the judger begins to notice that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available, including himself, he starts to feel more understanding for the other person's motivations, and thereby gives himself more access to making a positive difference in the situation. (and understanding motivations is GREAT for a writer!)

What I'm talking about is not spiritual superiority -- I have no idea what that is, even -- I'm talking about: what works well for getting the desired results?

In this case, does Indiana want to survive this party with all its as*holes and scumbags, or does she want to walk in there being inspired to possibly having a breakthrough in mastery, being the power to have everyone feeling really connected and delighted to be there celebrating their friend's birthday with whole hearts? One person taking responsibility, like Indiana, can make all the difference in the world as to how the party goes, and how the world goes.

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by Angela

Great. What is the earliest incident in your life that you remember feeling anxious, resistant, closed, and resentful? How old were you? Who was there? What happened?

I'm curious why this matters in therapy. If I remember a time being sad when I was six years old, or a time being scared when I was eight, why does that matter? Perhaps someone is scared many times during their life... what is the significance of the first or earliest time? Maybe the third time is what caused their psychological issues?