Red and yellow flags

[KeithHandy]

It's kind of a cliche that in restrospect you could have saved yourself a lot of time, energy, grief, and so on had you paid attention to what are now glaring red flags in someone you were interested in -- personality traits that you knew on a deep level were going to cause you to be a mismatch, but which you blanked out because they were an obstacle in the short term to hooking up and making some kind, any kind, of change in your life.

My question to everybody is this: is there really such a thing as someone for whom you can find no red flags? I mean, if you're consciously looking out for them and choosing not to ignore them ever again, isn't there always something you can find?

OR is there a need for a new term such as "yellow flags", where something might come up that you need to be aware of, knowing it's something you may need to deal with, but which wouldn't and shouldn't be a deal-breaker?

AND if so, how do you distinguish between red and yellow?

[Angela]

Keith: I think it's a good idea to write down the red flags (dealbreakers) before you even have a date. Things like:
smoker
heroin addict
republican

whatever traits you know would make it absolutely impossible for you to be with the person, so that if they come up, you are ready to immediately and kindly say, "I've enjoyed meeting you, but your belonging to the Man-Boy Love Coalition doesn't mesh with my values, so let's go our separate ways, shall we?"

The yellow flags are the conversational or behavioural bits you didn't know would give you a twinge until they came up, like a tattoo of Britney Spears. I recommend these be brought to light and dispelled immediately. (she might have been roofied and tattooed by thugs, and you wouldn't hold that against her.) Yellow flags will tend to come up as long as you know the person, even if it's 50 years. If you wake up in the middle of the night having suddenly realized a yellow flag had appeared and not been dealt with, bring it up gently and casually at your next meeting. No 3 a.m. "what exactly did you mean by 'tiny little virus'?" phone calls.

In addition to writing down the red flags, I think daters should write down their Green Flags: ten qualities you absolutely must have in a partner. For instance:
Fit
Happy (responsible for her own happiness - not looking for it outwardly)
Intelligent

.....because it's a nice vibe to be looking for positive qualities on a date, rather than just vetting the nasty ones.

[KeithHandy]

Hilarious use of illustrative examples, Angela

[Scientist]

I think you may be over-thinking this. Don't worry about putting things into categories, just listen to your intuition. You can feel in your body when you like someone or something and you can also feel it when someone or something bothers you. Try listening to that.

Though, I would recommend staying away from heroin users. I tried having a relationship with one and it didn't go well at all. No joke. She was pretty, but she was also a real mess.

[Angela]

I'm so sorry to say that all except the tattoo are taken from my real dating life.

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by Angela

I'm so sorry to say that all except the tattoo are taken from my real dating life.

Never a dull moment!

Anyways, in my relatively easy and sheltered little life, the kinds of examples I was thinking of were more like "I hate computers", "I hate (whatever kind of animal your pet is)", or "blah blah blah last night on American Idol blah blah".

These may not be universal red flags, but they look pretty darn crimson-hued to me.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by KeithHandy

"I hate computers", "I hate (whatever kind of animal your pet is)", or "blah blah blah last night on American Idol blah blah".

You're right. Better to date the republican heroin addicts.

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by Angela

You're right. Better to date the republican heroin addicts.

So those are my only two choices? The republican junkie pedophile, or the technophobic animal-hating boob-tube zombie?

Wow. This sucks!

[Angela]

Keith, I think we should start a game show!

"Bad Date -- or No Date?"

[Mayo]

Yes, but how do you know he/she is an addict/pedophile/mass murdering maniac/low life criminal/...

Well in this cases you must be cautious and critical, just like when you watch TV, recent gossip, statistics or anything that is information by it's self(body language, talk, manners...)

I think the most valuable thing is intellectual capability of the other party along with her/his manners, just look at those little hints how she/he looks at people and objects (eyes tell the most of it - i don't know why most of them say that the eyes are the entrance to the soul of the person...), has he/she have the necessary bon-ton, does he/she know how to cook and what is her/his favorite dish (a lot can be told by the food you consume, it's not in vane to say CRAP IN == CRAP OUT, i.e. You ARE what You eat!), does he/she know to play instrument or paint or draw write poems..., speak several foreign languages(intellectual capacity), what about god (the less she/he believes in crapper like one God, and more agnosticaly in Higher Force that bounds ALL beings, the better because he/she is more opened to new ideas and has not potential capacity of becoming an extremist that will call God every time you want to do something), ah also a person that likes to travel, and of course isn't a wishful thinking slacker...

[Velvet]

@Angela: great posts!

@Original poster:

I don't think it's possible to meet, befriend, or love someone who doesn't have at least some "yellow flags" but I think the "red flags" have more to do with values, and the yellow flags are about preferences.

Preferences are gonna come and go. You could meet someone with all the same likes and dislikes, and still not respect their values, or have chemistry with them.

You could also meet your total opposite and find that you share core values about education, self-care, spirituality, child-rearing, etc. In the long run, that's the person you want to rely on, make decisions with, be intimate with.

You know what's a great book about this very topic? Love in the Present Tense by Arleah and Morrie Schechtman.

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by Angela

Keith, I think we should start a game show!

"Bad Date -- or No Date?"

Great idea! You can be the fast-talking emcee, and I can wear the sparkly dress ... er, wait ...