Surrendered Single?

[Velvet]

Has anyone here read or have an opinion about The Surrendered Single?

[alexb5784]

I did a web search, and so far I've found great info.

It seems the author was on CNN with Paula Zahn a while back. Also on Amazon.com, the book has great some reviews.

I wonder if it will work for men as well, or just about anyone regardless of sexual preference? I say this because, in the title the book says "A Practical Guide to Attracting and Marrying the Man Who's Right for You". Actually, I'm sure anyone can benefit from the book.

I'll read the book, as I'm intending to attract my dream mate rather than look for them.

[Velvet]

It seems to mesh with Law of Attraction, but it is geared towards women. I don't believe the author would endorse "surrendering" to menfolk--and in my experience that makes sense.

[alexb5784]

I've read the transcript of the author on CNN, when she was talking to Paula Zahn. Here is what she had to say:

Paula Zahn: Ask men to ask you out?

Laura Doyle: Right, and people get a little confused about that one. What does that mean exactly? And it just means that if you meet a guy that you are interested in, you might give him your phone number, and say here, call me if you're interested.

I can't imagine a man doing that to a woman!

A man in conversation with me: Here Alexia, call me if your interested in going out, thanks.

Pfffff...that'll never happen

[mattsonn]

It addresses the important point that women have their own issues that they need to work out....but the rest of it didn't really seem grounded in reality. My BS detector was going off just a little bit while scanning the website.

"Doyle lives in Southern California with her husband, who has been dressing himself since before she was born."

What?

[Dimitry]

Originally Posted by mattsonn

"Doyle lives in Southern California with her husband, who has been dressing himself since before she was born."

What?

Probably means husband is older than her.

[C33]

I don t want to be a surrendered anything!

I checked her site and it looked cheesy, her advice sounded stale and borderline mysoginistic( spelling surrendered!).

"A Surrendered Single recognizes that if she wants to attract the man with whom she can develop intimacy, she cannot control relationships. She cannot determine who asks her out, how he'll do it, when he'll call or e-mail, or if he'll commit to her."

I think we, girls/women can do better than surrender! And why is it geared towards women and not both men and women!

Why do we always have to relinquish power in order to "get" things/relationships?

I am off writing a book:

The Pissed-Off Self-Actualized Single: How to Hunt for a Husband and Lasso Him to the Marital Bed

"A Pissed-Off Self-Actualized Single recognizes that if she wants men in her life with whom she can develop intimacy, she might just as well go get them. She can determine who asks her out by selecting the kind of men she wants to surround herself with: men who call,e-mail, want to commit to her."

O.K, I'm going to cool off now!

[Baltar]

Originally Posted by C33

"A Surrendered Single recognizes that if she wants to attract the man with whom she can develop intimacy, she cannot control relationships. She cannot determine who asks her out, how he'll do it, when he'll call or e-mail, or if he'll commit to her."

I think we, girls/women can do better than surrender! And why is it geared towards women and not both men and women!

Looks like the advice is very old fashioned. Probably still applies to some men and women, but it's certainly silly to stereotype any gender like that. I think men are often afraid of commitment, but that doesn't mean women have to put up with that. I once knew a couple who had been dating for around five years. If I was the woman in that relationship I wouldn't have waited around that long. At least I would've asked him to marry me, but some (most?) women act old fashioned and wait for the men to ask them. Last I checked this isn't 1953.

Originally Posted by C33

"A Pissed-Off Self-Actualized Single recognizes that if she wants men in her life with whom she can develop intimacy, she might just as well go get them. She can determine who asks her out by selecting the kind of men she wants to surround herself with: men who call,e-mail, want to commit to her."

Sound like a plan.

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by C33

"A Pissed-Off Self-Actualized Single recognizes that if she wants men in her life with whom she can develop intimacy, she might just as well go get them.

And how's that workin' for ya?

[Isis Kali]

Originally Posted by C33

I don t want to be a surrendered anything!

I checked her site and it looked cheesy, her advice sounded stale and borderline mysoginistic( spelling surrendered!).

"A Surrendered Single recognizes that if she wants to attract the man with whom she can develop intimacy, she cannot control relationships. She cannot determine who asks her out, how he'll do it, when he'll call or e-mail, or if he'll commit to her."

I think we, girls/women can do better than surrender! And why is it geared towards women and not both men and women!

Why do we always have to relinquish power in order to "get" things/relationships?

I am off writing a book:

The Pissed-Off Self-Actualized Single: How to Hunt for a Husband and Lasso Him to the Marital Bed

"A Pissed-Off Self-Actualized Single recognizes that if she wants men in her life with whom she can develop intimacy, she might just as well go get them. She can determine who asks her out by selecting the kind of men she wants to surround herself with: men who call,e-mail, want to commit to her."

O.K, I'm going to cool off now!

I can see what she's saying, though. The other person is living in their own reality, and living their own lives...you really CAN'T tell what they're going to do, much less when and how they're going to do it. I ended up being a lot happier and content once I realized that all the manipulation in the world wasn't going to get someone to request my company if they simply didn't want it, or didn't have the time...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by C33

"A Surrendered Single recognizes that if she wants to attract the man with whom she can develop intimacy, she cannot control relationships. She cannot determine who asks her out, how he'll do it, when he'll call or e-mail, or if he'll commit to her."

Looks like surrender is getting a bum rap in this thread. Surrender doesn't always mean "giving up power"; at its finest it means "letting go." Don't you agree that the above quote is true: that a woman, in fact, can't control relationships, determine who asks her out, how he'll do it, when he'll call, or if he'll commit to her? And if she does try to control him in these ways or others, she's not creating freedom or love for him or for herself? Of course the same is true for men, too!

That doesn't stop her from being a dynamic force in a loving relationship or from asking a man out.

I haven't read the book and don't know if the author is saying women should be subservient, which I would certainly not agree with. But to surrender the need or illusion to control another human being seems to me to be a really huge great step on the road to love. (pissed-off might be another helpful thing to let go of, in my opinion.)

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Angela

But to surrender the need or illusion to control another human being seems to me to be a really huge great step on the road to love. (pissed-off might be another helpful thing to let go of, in my opinion.)

Hey Angela

I always like your insights into stuff. What a good way to look at surrendering in this case. Letting go! How nice.

Like what my counsellor told me before - to be able to forgive someone is actually letting go of the emotional burden on yourself! It's about letting go, not so much of how you react to the person but more on how you give yourself the gift of relief.

And that's also love in a way isn't it?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Dating Specialist

And that's also love in a way isn't it?

Thanks, Dating Specialist! Yeah, I think when you create a space of freedom for yourself or others, you're generating love. I often hear people talking about "getting" or "finding" love; but I think it works better to make yourself into a Love Factory!

[Velvet]

[QUOTE=Angela;35893]I haven't read the book and don't know if the author is saying women should be subservient, which I would certainly not agree with.[QUOTE]

Since posting my original query, I have in fact read the book now. No, the author doesn't preach subservience, thank god! It is all about letting go of control, having boundaries, and also being emotionally vulnerable and available.

This was a key point for me, because if you were to ask me, "Are you available for a relationship? Are you emotionally vulnerable to men?" I'd say "of course."

But on reflection, I am rife with fears and full of defenses, and paradoxically, don't often keep healthy boundaries. The author gives some tips about how to just let down your emotional guard, stop trying to get men to approve of you, etc.

It's really quite pro-female, encourages self-respect and independence, and definitely not one of those self-help books that makes you feel like men are all-powerful and you're doing everything all wrong. (You know books like that?)

It's pretty gentle and positive and Law-of-Attraction-y.

[Isis Kali]

Wow, sounds like a must read. I'm going to go check out Amazon!

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by Isis Kali

Wow, sounds like a must read. I'm going to go check out Amazon!

Lemme know what you think--it does have its dorky moments, be forewarned. it's the kind of book you wouldn't want to read on the subway. Floral-print cover and all that.

[mtrimpe]

Originally Posted by alexb5784

A man in conversation with me: Here Alexia, call me if your interested in going out, thanks.

Pfffff...that'll never happen

And this?

A man you have just had a great conversation with, with whom you had a really great time and enjoyed being around, looks on the clock and realize that it's really time to go to home and sleep because you both have to work tomorrow.
The man looks you in the eyes with sweet gentle loving eyes and says:
Here Alexia, call me if your interested in going out again, thanks.

Nahh, I agree. The book could never work

[Isis Kali]

OK. I'm reading it now, and I'm liking it...but I have one bitty-bat: why is it that women are told to throw away their standards for education and such when looking for a mate, but men aren't? I'm sorry, but if I see that someone can't spell, write, or speak properly, or they're happy being an employee at the Wal-Mart while I'm running several successful businesses...then, chances are they're not going to be a good choice for me. Then again, I suppose you attract what's similar to you, so...

Otherwise, I haven't found anything off-putting at all. It's a pretty okay read.

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by Isis Kali

why is it that women are told to throw away their standards for education and such when looking for a mate, but men aren't?

I don't think the author would counsel throwing away standards--she wants you to go out with guys you are deeply attracted to. Chances are you will be attracted to men in your own intellectual category.

[Dani]

I haven't read the book, but wouldn't it make more sense if she meant to throw away checking their resume before you date, and make your descision on how you feel?

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by Dani

I haven't read the book, but wouldn't it make more sense if she meant to throw away checking their resume before you date, and make your descision on how you feel?

Yeah, that's what she's saying.

[Isis Kali]

Ooops...yep, figured that out today

I adore the chapter on making a clean break from your exes. Gah! I know soooo many people that seem to think it's an absolute virtue to keep up with past lovers. No, no, no. Move on!

Yeah, I'm really liking it. I read a chapter or two every morning. Nice stuff.

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by Isis Kali

Ooops...yep, figured that out today

I adore the chapter on making a clean break from your exes. Gah! I know soooo many people that seem to think it's an absolute virtue to keep up with past lovers. No, no, no. Move on!

That's a tough one. I am still friends with so many exes--if I gave 'em up now, half my social circle would be gone. But I definitely see her point.

Glad you're liking the book! It dovetails nicely with the Coach Rori stuff, which I stumbled upon recently.

Boundaries...vulnerability...letting go of control.

[Dani]

hmm some of my best friends are my exes...

Some I did cut with, others we are great friends, bad lovers. Depends on the relationship I would think

Kind of a sad relationship if you arent friends...

[sazbee]

Hello - I am new here....thanks for having me !

I noticed a thread about Surrendering and I wanted to put up a link that explains more about what it is about:

Surrendered Wife Online Seminars - relationship advice for creating a happy marriage

Surrendering as Laura Doyle writes about it is about surrendering inappropriate control of others.....a lot of people react to the word 'surrender' but it does not mean to dumb down or submit. It is often just about using wise judgement about which battles are worth fighting !

It works well with the Fascinating Womanhood philosophy too.....really it advocates that wives just return to more feminine ways and so help to create marriages that sparkle and give stability to a world in need of healing.