help to save my marriage

[ruchika]

me and my husband had great understanding when we got married. but over a period of just 6 months he [and sometimes me too] started behaving very rudely and irrationally to each other. during that period i got pregnant and the problems between us grew more. i moved to my parents house and it is almost a year i m here. our baby is born and my marriage is at the edge of divorce. I understand there are some misunderstanding between us but he is not ready to talk! I have complained about his behaviour to his family but they don't accept his mistake. now there is so much distance between between us. he is just not ready to talk the problem with me. in fact he is rude and abusive. what do i do? I cant live with him and not want to spend the entire life without him either. please help.

[Lychee]

Personally, I think involving the in-laws and other family members is not a good idea. Working out problems between the two of you is the best way to go, and if a success, will lead to a stronger relationship. If it doesn't, then it will remain a private matter (which it should) and you both can handle it without the added stress of other peoples' input.

Try to explain to him that it's not just about you and him anymore, but also the baby. The baby's best interests must be factored into the decision to have a divorce - and of course, a divorce should be a last resort. If he is being unnecessarily immature, then back off for a little bit. Don't try and force him to have a conversation. But before you give him a little space, try to explain to him your view of the situation calmly and simply. If you want to save your marriage, tell him that you are seeking reconciliation, especially now that you both have a child together. Ask him to give you a decision soon for the good of all involved. Be respectful but firm. You are the mother of his child and you are still his wife. Anyway, give him some time to think it over and during that time, I would suggest you do some thinking as well.

You said you cannot live with him but that you also cannot spend your entire life without him. I do not mean to be intruding, but is this because you love him or because of cultural norms? If you love him, explain to him how difficult is was for you to spend that year without him. Remind him of the great understanding that you have between the two of you when you first got married.

But think seriously about the ramifications of either decision. What will happen if you do stay married? Is the rift irreparable? Is he willing to open up? Do you think major fights like this will occur later and how will that affect the baby? If you get a divorce, how will that affect you? Your husband? Your baby?

Look deep within yourself. If this was happening to your friend, what would you advise to her? Remove the emotions and the worrisome thoughts and look inside yourself for an answer.

This is just my opinion. I hope everything works out for the two of you.

[munish]

Ruchika,
May read an article by steve pavlina.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...relationships/

or, lucid dreaming podcast by Erin pavlina is also helpful.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ucid-dreaming/

You can also Book an Intuitive Reading with Erin .

Book a Reading with Erin Pavlina

I also recommend that you read all the posts at steve pavlina's blog.Steve Pavlina has 500 posts over at his blog.(this may take 2 months to read all the posts,so you may start with the above mentioned posts.)

Namaste.

[ruchika]

Originally Posted by Lychee

Personally, I think involving the in-laws and other family members is not a good idea. Working out problems between the two of you is the best way to go, and if a success, will lead to a stronger relationship. If it doesn't, then it will remain a private matter (which it should) and you both can handle it without the added stress of other peoples' input.

Try to explain to him that it's not just about you and him anymore, but also the baby. The baby's best interests must be factored into the decision to have a divorce - and of course, a divorce should be a last resort. If he is being unnecessarily immature, then back off for a little bit. Don't try and force him to have a conversation. But before you give him a little space, try to explain to him your view of the situation calmly and simply. If you want to save your marriage, tell him that you are seeking reconciliation, especially now that you both have a child together. Ask him to give you a decision soon for the good of all involved. Be respectful but firm. You are the mother of his child and you are still his wife. Anyway, give him some time to think it over and during that time, I would suggest you do some thinking as well.

You said you cannot live with him but that you also cannot spend your entire life without him. I do not mean to be intruding, but is this because you love him or because of cultural norms? If you love him, explain to him how difficult is was for you to spend that year without him. Remind him of the great understanding that you have between the two of you when you first got married.

But think seriously about the ramifications of either decision. What will happen if you do stay married? Is the rift irreparable? Is he willing to open up? Do you think major fights like this will occur later and how will that affect the baby? If you get a divorce, how will that affect you? Your husband? Your baby?

Look deep within yourself. If this was happening to your friend, what would you advise to her? Remove the emotions and the worrisome thoughts and look inside yourself for an answer.

This is just my opinion. I hope everything works out for the two of you.

thank you LYCHEE, FOR GREAT ADVISE, but the problem is that my husband does not opens up and talks to me openly. he either runs away from the discussion or just arguees his points only. he simply does not listens to me or tries to understand my problem. i m just not abel to comunicate my views to him. what shall I do?

[Mayo]

He is scared. You have to ask him what is he scared of?

Can you tell us how old is he, and your age too if that is not a problem?

[Lychee]

If someone is not willing to listen to another person's point of view, especially one who is involved in the matter which needs to be resolved, that is a problem. Communication of one of the most important, if not the most important, aspects of a relationship.

I would suggest that you listen to his point of view, really listen. Be patient and understanding, and try to see the situation from his perspective. Perhaps you could take into consideration that his family may be influencing his behavior. After listening to him, ask him to grant you the same courtesy of listening to your upsets regarding the situation as you did for him. After that, you could tell him what you are feeling.

However, if he has chosen to close all avenues of communication, ask yourself if you are willing to tolerate this now and if you are willing to tolerate it in the future (if he does not change). At this point, I suggest you not absorb anyone's advice but look to yourself for answers.

Who initiated the divorce? Is he completely against working this through? For the year that you were apart, did he try to fix things? Did you?

Examine the issue that you are having objectively first. Meaning, think back to actions that each of you have taken, etc. It's easy for us to color the situation one way or another through our feelings, but refrain from that. Then look at yourself. How much strain has this put on you emotionally? Are you willing to be treated this way? What qualities are you looking for in a husband? Did he live up to those qualities? Do you believe you treated him fairly? Do you see any possibility of a future with him?

Wish you all the best.

[ruchika]

He is 32.5 and I am 27.3. he is a Doctor, working in a big hospital, and I am a post graduate in foods and nutrition, not found a job yet.

[ruchika]

Originally Posted by Lychee

If someone is not willing to listen to another person's point of view, especially one who is involved in the matter which needs to be resolved, that is a problem. Communication of one of the most important, if not the most important, aspects of a relationship.

I would suggest that you listen to his point of view, really listen. Be patient and understanding, and try to see the situation from his perspective. Perhaps you could take into consideration that his family may be influencing his behavior. After listening to him, ask him to grant you the same courtesy of listening to your upsets regarding the situation as you did for him. After that, you could tell him what you are feeling.

However, if he has chosen to close all avenues of communication, ask yourself if you are willing to tolerate this now and if you are willing to tolerate it in the future (if he does not change). At this point, I suggest you not absorb anyone's advice but look to yourself for answers.

Who initiated the divorce? Is he completely against working this through? For the year that you were apart, did he try to fix things? Did you?

Examine the issue that you are having objectively first. Meaning, think back to actions that each of you have taken, etc. It's easy for us to color the situation one way or another through our feelings, but refrain from that. Then look at yourself. How much strain has this put on you emotionally? Are you willing to be treated this way? What qualities are you looking for in a husband? Did he live up to those qualities? Do you believe you treated him fairly? Do you see any possibility of a future with him?

Wish you all the best.

Yes he did tried. Infact he came every month to my house when i was pregnanat. But only for a day, and that too he did not showed any interest or concern. when we talked on phone we was often rude or uninterested. i simply ignored all this. he came for 3 days when baby was born but he he was very rude towards me and said that I am not a GOOD mother. I complained about this to his Family and they suggested that we should solve the problem own our own. This made him more angary and it has been 5 months we have not talked to each other even on phone. though he did came in the funeral of my uncle last month. what should be my nesxt step?

[Lychee]

You are not seriously asking yourself what you believe you should do. I can only provide advice from a limited perspective, but your own advice is the one you should follow since you know the complete scenario.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by ruchika

Yes he did tried. Infact he came every month to my house when i was pregnanat. But only for a day, and that too he did not showed any interest or concern. when we talked on phone we was often rude or uninterested. i simply ignored all this. he came for 3 days when baby was born but he he was very rude towards me and said that I am not a GOOD mother. I complained about this to his Family and they suggested that we should solve the problem own our own. This made him more angary and it has been 5 months we have not talked to each other even on phone. though he did came in the funeral of my uncle last month. what should be my nesxt step?

Maybe you should first establish this question: Do you still love him, Ruchika?

If you do, then and you want your marriage to work, then you have to work on it first. Be prepared that this process is going to take some time, and may involve quite an amount of frustration on your side. That's why I ask - Do You Love Him?

If you really like to know how to get this going after you've found out that critical answer, you can PM me if you want.

Straighten that out first before you think of any next steps you should take, otherwise you'll be stressing yourself out while not going anywhere. That's how I feel.

[coleflowers]

I just joined the forums and haven't done a formal intro, but I felt I needed to respond to this post. I had some similar experiences with my husband after the birth of our first child, which was also in our first year of marriage. The pregnancy was unplanned and caused a lot of stress on both of us. During this time there were several resources that helped us both work through our difficulties. The first that I HIGHLY recommend is the book Too Good To Leave Too Bad To Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. Steve has an article reviewing it (How to Decide to End a Long Term Relationship), but it really helped me to evaluate the true nature of my relationship. The second thing I would recommend is a visit to gotman.com Its John Gottmans's site and he his a therapist (PhD) who has extensive experience with marriages and how the first baby affects them. I think the book would be of tremendous help for you right now, but any of Gottman's stuff would be something that would require a commitment from you AND your husband. If your husband does not show interest in actively working to save your marriage than nothing you can do will save it.

[escapee]

Hi there, this post is from an "insensitive male perspective" . Take it with a grain of salt

I think males tend to be more introvert when it comes to problem in relationship. If you are trying to force a conversation with you husband to make him understand your problem. I'm afraid it would not work out so well because females have the tendency to dominate a conversation/argument with "multi-dimensional" communication that would normally drive the males go completely crazy, but to a females' point of view, that's absolutely normal and sensible way of communicating.

Hence, my advice is to avoid talking about the old problem. Start all over like you were first date with him if that's possible. If not .. oh .. at least pretended that you have forgotten about the old problem and sooner or later he would feel strange about your complete silence and initiate conversation with ya back (hopefully)

BTW, There is a great book about the difference in communication/info processing between females and males (Arg, i have forgotten the name of the book) . Reading this has made me understand the differences in brain functions between woman and man.

Seriously, after realizing the differences, i would never ever let a woman read a map while i'm driving in a foreign location to avoid a huge argument.

Note : The book claims that in general, males tend to have a better spatial and logic processing power while females tend to be good in handling multi-tasks, more commucative and thus unleashing the dreadful "multi-dimensional" communication skill( oftern referred by male counterparts as "illogical" and confusing)

Take it easy and Best wishes of luck.
You can win this by knowing, accepting and playing with the differences .

I think it's this book that i've read
Amazon.com: Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It: Books: Allan Pease,Barbara Pease

A better book
Amazon.com: Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget: Books: Marianne J. Legato,Laura Tucker

[kiethatela]

You seems so concerned about your problem. My only suggestion is, try again to talk with your husband. Go to her and try ask for one more chance to talk with you and you both try to seek for marriage counseling. It's for your own good. Don't talk too much that can make him mad. as what escapee said, try to pretend that you have already forgotten the old problem. If you really love him very much, and if you really love your baby, try to do anything for the sake of your relationship to be saved. It's your own personal choice whether you go for your marriage or not. Don't loose hope. There is always one persona in the relationship who will do anything to save the marriage and its rare when there is two of them will work for their marriage. Nevertheless, you can also try clicking this link SolutionBay | How Can I Save My Marriage? and read some articles in it. God bless Ruchika!

[spirit4711]

Err... Kiethatela, you react on a topic that is more than 2 years old...

[ns123]

ruchika,

Here's what it looks like to me. It looks like you are trying to get everyone else involved, instead of your husband, so he's allowing you to do that. No one else can solve your problem. You keep giving your power away by looking toward everyone else to fix it for you. They can't and they won't - evidence by your family finally telling you to solve your own problems.

If my wife went tattling to my family (and hers) about our problems, it would result in me wanting nothing to do with her too. You cannot make your husband listen to you - no matter how much you tell his parents/family to make him listen to you. He won't listen to you, no matter how much you tell him to listen to you.

It sounds like your husband is sending you a clear message. He is done with your relationship. You can keep chasing him, while he keeps kicking you away, which that just results in misery for everyone. Or, you can accept that, work on you, and move on. In time, he may come back to you, but he may not. I suggest you move on.

added later: haha, I didn't know this topic was so old. I wonder if she actually saved her marriage?

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE=ns123;369566]ruchika,

It sounds like your husband is sending you a clear message. He is done with your relationship. You can keep chasing him, while he keeps kicking you away, which that just results in misery for everyone. Or, you can accept that, work on you, and move on. In time, he may come back to you, but he may not.

Not talking for a year, living apart for a year, this all sound like it ended right under your nose. You just couldn't accomplish anything.

Your husband is not interested, and mean to boot! If I were you, I would start making plans for my own life. It sounds like it's time for you to take some control and make decisions of your own. He has your power. get it back.

You don't have to tell him anything, he doesn't talk to you. If he asks at some point what you're doing tell him then.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but he seems to have you where he wants you, and it doesn't sound like he cares at all. You and baby deserve better.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Err... Kiethatela, you react on a topic that is more than 2 years old...

There seems to be a LOT of digging up of really old posts lately - it can be helpful if it's discussing an idea or method of doing something, but I don't see the point when it's an individual's issues.

I wish people would stop!! I'm making sure I check the original date on a post before I respond now.

[cacheborn]

Originally Posted by carenkh

There seems to be a LOT of digging up of really old posts lately - it can be helpful if it's discussing an idea or method of doing something, but I don't see the point when it's an individual's issues.

I wish people would stop!! I'm making sure I check the original date on a post before I respond now.

Copy that, Caren.
This thread has been resurrected (again!) after two years.

[Just One More]

When you're spamming your link, who cares, right?