Her ex's success annoys

[Fido]

I couldn't find anything about this kind of things to deal with so I decided to post a new thread.

The problem is simple to explain. My girlfriends ex-boyfriend is a famous artist in a band and I don't like that because I feel I'm nothing compared to that fact.

I hear him in a radio, at festivals and where ever and it's really annoying. And it doesn't help to know that she was the one being left and she loved him.

I have tried to raise my self-esteem and I'm trying to be at least something too, but it doesn't happen in a night. It feels like I want to be wanted too in a same time while I can't understand why people appreciate fame. I mean, what's up with that? Famous people are not any gods. But still, I hate the idea that she has had him over all the fans and I just can't give her anything like that. Even though she wouldn't want me to be famous or anything else either, but we all know that when anyone of us meet our favorite artist or actor we are not ourselves so being famous means something to us all.

How do I set my mind so I don't care about it? How to get over it?
..or how to show them all that I'm greater?

[spirit4711]

Read this: How to Stop Being Jealous.

What is it that makes you jealous? Does your GF not love you?

Don't try so hard, you're good enough for your GF otherwise she wouldn't be with you, no?

[nhaasch]

"I have tried to raise my self-esteem and I'm trying to be at least something too, but it doesn't happen in a night.

You are right in that this may take some time to work through.

I feel I'm nothing compared to that fact.

This is a big belief you'll want to work through. You are valuable. You are important. And, these feelings have nothing to do with how others treat you. It has to do with your self esteem. Can you remember a time in the past when you did feel important? Hold onto those feelings and think about your present day. You are important today. I'm sure you can come up with examples of ways in which you are unique and provide value to the world around you.

It feels like I want to be wanted too

And you derserve to feel wanted. You deserve to feel of value. You may think of a way in which you are valued.

How do I set my mind so I don't care about it? How to get over it?

Instead of focusing on what you don't want, try to focus on what you do want. Here are better questions for you:
How can I feel better about myself and my relationship? What can I do today to feel better?

..or how to show them all that I'm greater?

What does this get you to show them all that you are greater?

[Cyllya]

Originally Posted by Fido

It feels like I want to be wanted too in a same time while I can't understand why people appreciate fame. I mean, what's up with that? Famous people are not any gods. But still, I hate the idea that she has had him over all the fans and I just can't give her anything like that.

Well, why do you appreciate fame so much?

Originally Posted by Fido

Even though she wouldn't want me to be famous or anything else either, but we all know that when anyone of us meet our favorite artist or actor we are not ourselves so being famous means something to us all.

Don't speak for other people. Not everyone's tastes and feelings are the same as yours. If you feel your girlfriend is lying about her feelings, maybe you should address the matter of communication between the two of you.

Originally Posted by Fido

..or how to show them all that I'm greater?

Are you concerned about being great in your own eyes or in your girlfriend's eyes? (Or someone else's?) It seems like you equate fame with success, so if you want to be successful, maybe you should try getting on a reality TV show or something. But your girlfriend says she doesn't want you to be famous, so that'd probably make her less happy. (Personally, I define success by how happy a person is. If you're famous and miserable, I'd call that a failure. But to each his own...)

[Brutha]

..or how to show them all that I'm greater?

The question is how to show yourself that you are greater.

[Fido]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Read this: How to Stop Being Jealous.

Thanks for the article. It was good to read and I am familiar to the idea of oneness, but it's a little hard to think that people you don't like are you, don't you think Oneness also means that I am my gf too. I don't love me (as in oneness), I love a person. I don't like to watch my gf changing clothes in a way that there I am stripping, niiiiiice. Get my point? I don't have to like every person in this planet even tho I understand they are one with me.

Originally Posted by nhaasch

This is a big belief you'll want to work through. You are valuable. You are important. And, these feelings have nothing to do with how others treat you. It has to do with your self esteem. Can you remember a time in the past when you did feel important? Hold onto those feelings and think about your present day. You are important today. I'm sure you can come up with examples of ways in which you are unique and provide value to the world around you.

Thanks a lot for your kind words! It made me feel better. Sometimes, we need someone to remind us. Yes, I have something that makes a handful of people happy from time to time. Maybe I should stick with the thought those people are important to me, every single person, and it doesn't have to be a group of thousands and thousands of people. And I need to treat "my people" very good so I'm even more important to them. This cleared a lot my head, thanks.

And you derserve to feel wanted. You deserve to feel of value

What does this get you to show them all that you are greater

That was actually ironic comment from me, but there is also truth in it. I know it's stupid to start competing with somebody. And it's even more stupid to compete with someone who is very hard to compete with
But competing keeps me going and winning at least something gives me more self-confidence. I really don't HAVE to show them I'm the greatest but I wouldn't mind to see the day when I, for example, sell my work more than my gf's ex. You know, on that day I wouldn't have anything why to think he's more succesfull than me. And because that is too hard to achieve, I'm now asking another ways to get over this. And it means I have to beat my own way of thinking.

Originally Posted by Cyllya

Well, why do you appreciate fame so much?

I don't appreciate it much. I know somewhere back in my head it means something if someone is famous when I see her/him on the streets. It's a good question and I can't answer why. Why do you?

Don't speak for other people. Not everyone's tastes and feelings are the same as yours. If you feel your girlfriend is lying about her feelings, maybe you should address the matter of communication between the two of you.

Wait. I was trying to say, she loves me like I am and she does not want me to be anything else than I am. And I think people see and feel fame in other person. She is not lying to me and we don't need to talk about it more than we do

Are you concerned about being great in your own eyes or in your girlfriend's eyes?

I would like to show her that I can be something as well which leads to me in the end happily completing my mission. So, I answer both.

It seems like you equate fame with success, so if you want to be successful, maybe you should try getting on a reality TV show or something.

No, I definitely don't want to be famous. I would like to be wanted, not famous. Or better said, I would like to have my things wanted, not me, because it's enough that I know who have done them.

Originally Posted by Brutha

The question is how to show yourself that you are greater.

True.


Still, it's a problem how to react when I hear "the ex" in media. I.e. I wouldn't buy a ticket to festivals where he is performing even if there are my favorite artists I would like to see. Any prescription for that?

[Bas]

All that needed to be said has been said.

I just would like to say that I work in the music industry and believe me famous people are not more interesting than 'average' people. My whole life I thought it would be cool to hang out with 'VIPs', but it can be extremely boring. I prefer to hang out with friends who still know how to be spontaneous.

[spirit4711]

@Fido, having read your reply it seems to me you want to cherish your jealousy. That's your choice, of course. It's hard though to see how you will eliminate the negative effects of jealousy while keeping it.

How I see it: either get rid of the jealousy, or keep it and don't complain about it's effects on you and your relationship.

I hope you choose wisely .

[Fido]

Originally Posted by Bas

I prefer to hang out with friends who still know how to be spontaneous.

Exactly. That's what I was saing about treating people good. I didn't even understand it myself at the moment I said it. You put it in right words. I need to treat well my friends and all the people who like things I do. Making good friends and making/keeping them happy makes me feel important. I would feel more important person if I can satisfy years a handful than if I recorded some songs that means something to the listeners only a few minutes in a time when they hear them. Put it in that way, "famous person" starts to feel very hollow admiration.

..althought this doesn't solve everything


I hope this thread will help someone else too. I'm sure i'm not the only person with this problem

[nhaasch]

But competing keeps me going and winning at least something gives me more self-confidence.

You want self-confidence. You may discover there is another path to self-confidence. I suspect you can recall a time in your life when you were confident without having to show someone you were better.

I'm curious about what you think of the term self-confidence? Where do you think self-confidence comes from?

[Andy4]

Hi Fido,

I like your post and replies, I can see why your girl likes you. Maybe this is more important to you than it is to her. Dont look for problems where there arent any. 90% of what we worry about never happens, that's mad but true.

Be above the situation and she will love you for it. Get paranoid about it and you'll lose her. Take care.

Regards, andy.

[Fido]

Originally Posted by nhaasch

I suspect you can recall a time in your life when you were confident without having to show someone you were better.

Do you mean 24 hours-confident me or only in some areas like confident in playing football as a good player? Because I can't remember time when I was 24 hours confinent, but maybe I just don't remember even if I have been (and of course I have). Sure I know where I'm good at, but sometimes I question that also.

I'm curious about what you think of the term self-confidence? Where do you think self-confidence comes from?

Self-confident being trusts to own skills and doesn't care if someone else doesn't give respect. That being doesn't care does others do something better, self-confident being is happy with her-/himself and what she/he does. Where it comes from, I have no idea

Thanks to everyone

[RT Wolf]

Human beings arrange ourselves in status hierarchies. Self esteem has a virtually 1 correlation with dominance hierarchy position. You're basically having the male version of the "your ex was prettier than me and I don't know if I can compete!". Men tend to have hierarchies based more on things like fame, success, etc.

Once you see through this game for what it is, you'll be able to escape it. If you compare yourself to others in a dominance hierarchy fashion. Or you can recognize that one thing is as arbitrary as the next in terms fo comparison, and that there's probably a lot of things that are highly valued (they must be, she's with you--not with him) that you have that he doesn't.

[ArthurHung]

Maybe she's just pushing your buttons to test you to see if you have jealousy issues, and you are generally reacting in a not so awesome way which lowers her respect for you.

[Zenduba]

Take all those negative emotions and channel them into helping you achieve some of your more challenging goals, e.g. if you wake up in the morning and want to go jogging but are feeling a bit lazy then just think of her ex and use those feelings as leverage. In good time you'll hopefully see the situation for what it is (that's for you to discover) and you'll also have reaped some results.

[dirtyhive]

I can't help wondering what this problem will look like if you flipped it on its head. Instead of 'how I can I be special enough for my girlfriend'...

...what the hell makes your girlfriend special enough for YOU? Is SHE famous or something?

You know that you don't require your girlfriend to be famous: all that's required is that you like her. What makes you think that she feels any differently?

Imagine you dated a girl who got pretty famous, then broke up with her. Would you need every other girl you ever dated to also be famous or successful in some way??