Hello-New Member with Dilemma

[Justagirl]

Found this site looking for relationship advice. Have been in a LTR for just over 2 years, I fell madly in love with him when we first met, he took a very long time to be able to say he loves me. I understood he was being cautious but it did create some issues for me early on.
The good: He's generally a very good caring boyfriend, he's smart, financially o.k., he cooks me dinner all of the time, and tells me I'm pretty, beautiful, etc.
The bad: he's moody, drinks probably too much, and is pretty rough around the edges definitely not a softie.

The problem: Every time things are going really well something comes up where he is being insensitive and hurts my feelings tremedously. Last night in front of my friends he was moody and didn't have one nice thing to say to me or anyone else. He made some comments that were hurtful to me and embarassing in front of my friend. The other thing is that when we're together in a group he pays zero attention to me. It's like I'm not even there. So of course I was upset as we drove home and he winded up not staying over because I was mad. DIdn't ask me why, just left. So in the morning he calls like everything is fine, but its not fine. I'm still upset and hurt. His response is "I didn't do anyting to you" and I'm taking things out of context. Tells me my I'm over emotional.. It's the same thing all of the time, he tells me I'm oversensitive and that I just like to fight. This is so far from the truth, I'd rather be alone then fight with someone all of the time.
How do I let him know he hurts my feelings without having a crazy knock down drag out fight each time? He gets so defensive, once i had to call 911 because I was scared. He also said that it's such a pain in the ass to deal with me...

I'm perplexed because he does such nice things for me but then has this other side and I can't ever seem to penetrate with him how much what he says and how he acts affects me..
Maybe he's just the right guy for me but honestly he's got me thinking like I may be on my own emotional rollercoaster for some deep rooted issues that have nothing to do with him, I can't see that but open to others suggestions and opinions.

[ArthurHung]

Originally Posted by Justagirl

He gets so defensive, once i had to call 911 because I was scared. He also said that it's such a pain in the ass to deal with me...

Well, that doesn't sound like a very chill move

Originally Posted by Justagirl

...on my own emotional rollercoaster for some deep rooted issues that have nothing to do with him, I can't see that but open to others suggestions and opinions.

You seem to have security issues. I suggest stop spending so much time with him or dump him (temporarily or permanently), and work on your own personal development. Find your life purpose, your joy and share it with others. Put your all into that. Watch your own joy blossom, and the issues you have disappear.

[James81]

Oh my God, run.

He obviously has issues with insecurity, and there's not a thing you can do to fix that (i.e. he has to fix this on his own).

Get out before you end up pregnant or something have to deal with him for the rest of your life.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Justagirl

I may be on my own emotional rollercoaster for some deep rooted issues that have nothing to do with him, I can't see that but open to others suggestions and opinions.

What's the truth about you, Justagirl? What are you believing about yourself, in the area of romantic relationship? Like: "I am _____."

[Justagirl]

I am and do give 100%, I'm well derserving and I am a good catch for a deserving suitor... good job, financially stable, no kids, no other baggage--43 years old and widowed 13 years ago (also attractive).

[Justagirl]

Originally Posted by ArthurHung

Well, that doesn't sound like a very chill move



You seem to have security issues. I suggest stop spending so much time with him or dump him (temporarily or permanently), and work on your own personal development. Find your life purpose, your joy and share it with others. Put your all into that. Watch your own joy blossom, and the issues you have disappear.

I get the part about finding my life purpose (working on it); not so sure that I have security issues..Just a girl fighting for love and an awesome relationship.. Thank you for your suggestion..I am considering possibly a long term break.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Justagirl

I am and do give 100%, I'm well derserving and I am a good catch for a deserving suitor... good job, financially stable, no kids, no other baggage--43 years old and widowed 13 years ago (also attractive).

I get that that's your conscious belief about yourself. And the fact that you've been willing to be treated shabbily by your partner for two years would indicate to me that you have also got some unconscious beliefs about yourself that are not quite so sunny.

Of course he acts the next day like nothing happened, and tells you you are oversensitive. You have trained him to think that is normal and fine! It might not seem to you that you have been training him that way, because you have objected and fought and defended yourself. But all that resistance itself is what has been training him to keep doing it. He's got his own limiting beliefs, and you two have been complementing each other.

Wouldn't it be nice to totally interrupt that pattern? One good way to do that is to see what you have been believing that is working against your conscious desire to have a great relationship. You can start by looking boldly at filling in the blanks:

"Every time things are going really well something comes up where he is being insensitive and hurts my feelings tremendously and that means that I am _____________."

[James81]

Originally Posted by Angela

And the fact that you've been willing to be treated shabbily by your partner for two years would indicate to me that you have also got some unconscious beliefs about yourself that are not quite so sunny.

Yes. Agreed.

[ssandra]

I don´t know of course what happened with the 911 call, and if you feel scared around him at any moment I would say leave! Right now! You should at all times feel safe with the person you love!

At the same time... maybe (just maybe, only you know the truth about this) both of you are a little bit right?

Maybe he is an ass infront of your friends when he is moody, and maybe you overreact to it?

Why does he come with you if he is moody? Would it solve the problem for him not to come whenever he feels like that?

I suggest talking about it at a time when everything is going great. An open discussion where you tell him how you feel and you let him space to tell you how he feels.

Ofcourse, this is all pointless if you feel unsafe with him. If you do, than get out! But since you want to solve it, I guess (I hope) the 911 thing was just a mistake..?

[cylon]

In my experience many women love to find a guy who is rough around the edges (but a real sweetheart if you get to know him) and try to change him into something else, which if he's strong-willed enough, will never happen. It's a great challenge, provides lots of drama, and it's one of the oldest stories in the world.

If you are not getting an emotional payoff by dealing with both sides of this guy and trying to change him, you wouldn't be with him. You can't blame him for his behavior because you would never see this behavior if you weren't with him, if you chose to walk away.

Consider the emotional ups and downs you would be giving up if he somehow changed his personality and became something he wasn't. Do you think you'd get a little bored? Have you dated any "nice guys" who DIDN'T act like he did? What was your emotional response to them? Why aren't you with one of those guys instead?

You have two options: accept him as he is, or decide his behavior is unacceptable and leave him.

Him actually changing his behavior, don't count on it.

[SimonaRich]

I would definitely dump such guy. He is not worth you, putting you down in front of your own friends, what a horrible person. There are plenty of nice guys out there, don't settle down for someone like that. Be open to better relationships and they will come - they always do.

[SimonaRich]

Originally Posted by cylon

In my experience many women love to find a guy who is rough around the edges (but a real sweetheart if you get to know him) and try to change him into something else, which if he's strong-willed enough, will never happen. It's a great challenge, provides lots of drama, and it's one of the oldest stories in the world.

If you are not getting an emotional payoff by dealing with both sides of this guy and trying to change him, you wouldn't be with him. You can't blame him for his behavior because you would never see this behavior if you weren't with him, if you chose to walk away.

Consider the emotional ups and downs you would be giving up if he somehow changed his personality and became something he wasn't. Do you think you'd get a little bored? Have you dated any "nice guys" who DIDN'T act like he did? What was your emotional response to them? Why aren't you with one of those guys instead?

You have two options: accept him as he is, or decide his behavior is unacceptable and leave him.

Him actually changing his behavior, don't count on it.

I completely agree with you that it's almost impossible to change someone else's behaviour, and it is not beneficial to anyone even if you do.

[ang569]

Originally Posted by Angela

I get that that's your conscious belief about yourself. And the fact that you've been willing to be treated shabbily by your partner for two years would indicate to me that you have also got some unconscious beliefs about yourself that are not quite so sunny.

Of course he acts the next day like nothing happened, and tells you you are oversensitive. You have trained him to think that is normal and fine! It might not seem to you that you have been training him that way, because you have objected and fought and defended yourself. But all that resistance itself is what has been training him to keep doing it. He's got his own limiting beliefs, and you two have been complementing each other.

Wouldn't it be nice to totally interrupt that pattern? One good way to do that is to see what you have been believing that is working against your conscious desire to have a great relationship. You can start by looking boldly at filling in the blanks:

"Every time things are going really well something comes up where he is being insensitive and hurts my feelings tremendously and that means that I am _____________."

What does this mean? I was reading this and understood all you said but this.

I always read your input because you always have good things to say.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ang569

[/B]


What does this mean? I was reading this and understood all you said but this.

I always read your input because you always have good things to say.

Thank you. That was a quote from the OP, and to me it sounds like the kind of belief which contains the seeds of freedom from being run by old pain:

"Every time things are going really well something comes up where he is being insensitive and hurts my feelings tremendously."

You can often recognize those root cause beliefs, because they contain "every time" or "always" or "never" -- and they also refer to someone or something external who appears to be causing pain ("hurts my feelings").

If a person takes the time to think about it, of course there are exceptions to "every time" and "always" and "never;" and of course the person doesn't literally hurt your feelings (it's your thoughts about what he said that cause you to hurt), so these are good phrases in which you can recognize ancient pain, the kind of pain that you've been re-creating for a looooong time, based on an ooooooold decision you made about yourself. One way to find that old decision is to use the leading phrase, ".....and that means that I am {blank}" -- you're looking for what you decided is true about yourself by looking to see what you make it mean when boyfriend does this or that.

See what I mean? There's a lot of gold available when you find your limiting decisions, and bring them out into the light of day, where you can see that they are nothing but ghosts -- like the little kid who is so afraid of the monster in the dark, but when he switches on the light, it turns out the monster was only his clothes from the day before, thrown over the back of a chair. Phew!

[Justagirl]

I believe what you are saying..we had a long talk tonight and I'm still not convinced that things can change. He showed up twice although I didn't really want him to, but that does say he cares.
I know its up to me as to how I handle my hurt feelings and that I choose to handle them the way that I do, and sometimes I handle badly becaues of my ghosts. I just don't know how to keep going when the things that matter a lot to me seem really small and petty to him. I think that's the oldest issue in the world in relationships and I need to weigh the good over the bad, but 10% of the bad is probably too much, don't I deserve 100%? I think I do but I'm also realistic that no one is perfect and no one is going to do and say the things I want them to exactly. So should you put aside the 10% in order to stay in a relationship??

I really appreciate this site and everyone's input its a great way to be able to "Talk' with out worrying too much about being judged by the people you know. Thank you again.

[Justagirl]

Ofcourse, this is all pointless if you feel unsafe with him. If you do, than get out! But since you want to solve it, I guess (I hope) the 911 thing was just a mistake..?[/QUOTE]

I do believe it was a mistake and I don't think it will ever happen again but not 100% certain..because like everyone says people don't change..

Oprah wrote in her column call What I know for sure: "Believe someone the first time they show you who they are". You can make excuses and say it will never happen again but one never knows do they? I guess the right thing for me is to give that 2nd chance and see.. like I said I'm not fully convinced.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Justagirl

Oprah wrote in her column call What I know for sure: "Believe someone the first time they show you who they are". You can make excuses and say it will never happen again but one never knows do they? I guess the right thing for me is to give that 2nd chance and see.. like I said I'm not fully convinced.

Just make sure you are taking your birth control regularly. When this relationship fails, you don't want to drag a kid into the middle of it.