sad nerves about seeing old friends

[Poiesis Hagakure]

I am recently graduated from college [within the past year and a half] and I lived with the same group of people for my last two years of school. Before college I was a "good kid" as parents might say it, i.e. I didn't party, drink, have sex, partake in drug use, or otherwise indulge in many of the things parents can worry about. In college I threw many of those non-tendencies away.

I would not say they were a bad group of people at all--- they were awesome!! -- but like many friendships and relationships, there were many rough patches, and our particular ending was horrible I know I was a seed of poison many times. I was much more so a fake person, and did not understand what it meant to be an honest, independent person. I would change based on the people i was dealing with. As much as I liked them all, I can look back now and say I was way too dramatic for any of our goods.

Though I graduated, I still live and work in the same town, and one of the mutual friends of that whole crew is graduating this weekend. She is having a party at her house tonight and I called her to ask if I could come. She hit the f.u. button the first time, and when I called 40 minutes later she picked up and said I could come. I could be reading into it but she sounded very distant and not enthused. Other members of the group have ignored my calls since we all moved apart.

I'm starting to question why I am writing this here, because my initial question [is there anything I can do to re-establish the bonds?] seems naive and already answered, and in writing this I seem only to be accomplishing an encouragement of my own heart. I will not be an item of drama within this group ever again. I have no quarrel with anyone from the group [though many of the guys owe me good amounts of money, from final bills of our shared house]. I could care less. Being able to sit around, talk about the day, share a beer and some laughter.... that would be infinitely more valuable to me than any check or some of money.

Men are suppose to appear strong ... ha!! This is a weak moment. I shall make this last trek through rainy binghamton, in honor of the time we all shared together. I won't overstay my welcome. I feel as if I should have written this in a diary, not on the forums!!

Know yourself, and you are required to be nothing else or more in front of others.

thanks for letting me vent my nervousness on the forums, mr. pavlina.