Number of partners?

[merveilles]

How many of you keep track of how many people you've slept with? Maybe it's just because I'm young but I do (I don't want to feel like a ho). Do a lot of you feel like the number isn't even important?


Also, what determines if you'll sleep with someone? Like do you have a list of standards they have to meet?

[aelle]

I actually have to count if want to know my number - I keep track of the people, not notches in my headboard . Also, reducing it to a number is difficult for me because I don't believe sex is a clearly defined activity or set of activities.

I have shared my number with my partner and know his, we were fine with it since we know that we are both adverse to "slut-shaming" or "virgin-shaming", sex-positive people (the world at large isn't though, which is why I won't put an actual number here.) In this respect, the number itself isn't relevant, and shouldn't be to other people. Each and every of my relationships were important to me though, and have shaped who I am today.

[Orecle]

Its a funny world we live in, where there are double standards between the sexes.

ie If a man is demonised alot more for beating his spouse, than the woman is for beating her hubbie. (in fact most men would think him a wimp for taking it)

A woman is demonised alot more for abandoning her kids, than a man is

In the sex number game, women are demonised alot more for higher numbers than men, even though programs like sex and the city are changing that perception.

Why are men bothered by women with high numbers? Bearing in mind I know alot of guys who would be bothered with more than 10 - 15

Alot of guys, have this warped idea, that if a woman has lets say 50, its because she could not say No to sex, even if she wanted to. When I ask them " could she stop if she desires" they all beleive no. They find it hard to beleive a woman could consciously go through a period of wanting just sex like men do. Its almost like they see it like she was weak-minded and she was roped into it, like subliminal advertising. And they have this fear that if they were to settle down with her, other guys would be able to flick this switch and activate her while he picks up the tab.


I know, we men can be silly.

Its like the thrase " She hasnt had many partners, oh she must be a good gal" How does few sexual partners qualify her as good? She could be an alcoholic, a junkie, she could be manipulative, a lousy mum, but for many guys, low sexual partner number = good girl

[dwixi]

Originally Posted by Orecle

Its a funny world we live in, where there are double standards between the sexes.

ie If a man is demonised alot more for beating his spouse, than the woman is for beating her hubbie. (in fact most men would think him a wimp for taking it)

A woman is demonised alot more for abandoning her kids, than a man is

In the sex number game, women are demonised alot more for higher numbers than men, even though programs like sex and the city are changing that perception.

Why are men bothered by women with high numbers? Bearing in mind I know alot of guys who would be bothered with more than 10 - 15

Alot of guys, have this warped idea, that if a woman has lets say 50, its because she could not say No to sex, even if she wanted to. When I ask them " could she stop if she desires" they all beleive no. They find it hard to beleive a woman could consciously go through a period of wanting just sex like men do. Its almost like they see it like she was weak-minded and she was roped into it, like subliminal advertising. And they have this fear that if they were to settle down with her, other guys would be able to flick this switch and activate her while he picks up the tab.


I know, we men can be silly.

Its like the thrase " She hasnt had many partners, oh she must be a good gal" How does few sexual partners qualify her as good? She could be an alcoholic, a junkie, she could be manipulative, a lousy mum, but for many guys, low sexual partner number = good girl

I think its because it would show she has low standards and you wouldnt feel very special.. just like.. oww... guess im just another one of those 50 guys.

[Orecle]

Originally Posted by dwixi

I think its because it would show she has low standards and you wouldnt feel very special.. just like.. oww... guess im just another one of those 50 guys.

She has low standards how? If she slept with 5 guys, could they not be the scum of the earth?
and how many men does a woman have to sleep with for her standards to be described as low? Exact number pls and reasoning behind it?
What about a woman who has 50 would make you feel less special than a 5? what if the womean with 50, now told you she was joking and the true figure was 3, would it now make you feel more special? So if you found out your wife and mother to your kids, after 20 yrs of marriage confesses to sleeping with 50 men before she met you, would you now write of 20 yrs as not special?
and does all this apply to men? (bet I know the answer to this)

[MagicalRealist]

Originally Posted by merveilles

How many of you keep track of how many people you've slept with?

I'm 41, and when I was in my early 20s I used to keep track of how many people I'd slept with. And then, at some point, I couldn't remember the exact number so I gave up entirely. I don't see it as all that important, anymore. I know how many people I've slept with in the past three years, which is really all that matters (if it does).

Also, what determines if you'll sleep with someone? Like do you have a list of standards they have to meet?

Hell, yes, I have standards. Admittedly, I didn't have very good ones when I was really young, but even then there were plenty of guys too sleazy, creepy, rude, scary, pathetic, or gross to sleep with.

But even now, it's not a long, nitpicky list. For me, looks are completely negotiable; hygiene is absolutely not. And I've long since given up on sleeping with people I don't genuinely like and enjoy being around, and that don't like me in return. I don't care how good-looking a guy is; if he's a boorish, overbearing pig I'm not wasting my time on him. Same goes for so-called "nice guys." (Both kinds of guys are usually lousy in bed anyway.) There are plenty of genuinely fun, cool, considerate men out there who are more than happy to do the friends-with-benefits thing; I don't need to do random hookups with jerks, posers, and whiners.

Basically, it comes down to asking myself, "Do I like this guy? Is he fun to be with? Is there reciprocity (are we both going to enjoy this encounter)? Is he likely to wear a condom, instead of giving me some lame-ass, self-serving excuse for not doing so? If I were to wake up next to him tomorrow would I be cool with it (or would I slip out silently at dawn to avoid him)? Would I readily admit to having slept with him, if asked by my best friend?" If I answer any of those questions with a "No," forget it.

[timothydrake]

I honestly think that people who came up with the word "Ho" are people who are jealous of the sexually active. Sex is needed in order to be a balanced and healthy human being. Some people need more than others. Of course there is always too much and too little sex. People who get it often enough don't care about how much sex anyone else is getting because they do it enough to not be concerned about it. If you ask me, the more partners you have the more interesting you will be, and the ladies I know who sleep around alot make the best bed buddies.

[hooperkay]

Originally Posted by merveilles

How many of you keep track of how many people you've slept with? Maybe it's just because I'm young but I do (I don't want to feel like a ho). Do a lot of you feel like the number isn't even important?


Also, what determines if you'll sleep with someone? Like do you have a list of standards they have to meet?

You really should worry more about who you are sleeping with... meaning if that person is very sexually active. Your young so what will happen later is that some people you know now will get sick later, like AIDS. Knowing that you might want to keep up with their names.
As far as standards you have to judge them. I mean your not going to sleep with just anyone, right? I'd make sure you were safe with sex. CONDOMS A MUST! It's really funny to me that there can be an outbreak of "swine flu" and everyone freaks and grabs masks, but AIDS has been around for years and people still don't wear condoms with sex. If he/she has fever blisters on his/her lips, then I wouldn't cause thats a form of herpes. Check him/her out before you have sex. Look at his/her private area before you have sex. If it don't look right then leave. Oral sex has same standards. That's where blisters on mouth fall in... can be transferred.
My advice to you is to not worry about the number of people you have sex with, but to worry who you are having it with.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by MagicalRealist

Basically, it comes down to asking myself, "Do I like this guy? Is he fun to be with? Is there reciprocity (are we both going to enjoy this encounter)? Is he likely to wear a condom, instead of giving me some lame-ass, self-serving excuse for not doing so? If I were to wake up next to him tomorrow would I be cool with it (or would I slip out silently at dawn to avoid him)? Would I readily admit to having slept with him, if asked by my best friend?" If I answer any of those questions with a "No," forget it.

Music to my ears. Could you explain the relative ease of this approach to my female friends? I miss my FWB from back home.

[rocksupreme]

Numbers are a weird thing. When I think about it, it's kind of funny that we feel such a need to quantify everything. As if "the metrics" of sex matter.

I've been in some situations that were extremely sexually charged, yet did not end in intercourse (or any kind of physical sexual act, for that matter). Some of these have been very powerful. I've also had hot, crazy sex and thought to myself (during) "this is so pointless, it's not even fun."

I agree with one of the posters above who commented that coming up with a number can be a little difficult sometimes. I do remember everyone I've shared sexual energy with, but some of the purely physical exchanges slip my mind on occasion.

[merveilles]

Originally Posted by MagicalRealist

Basically, it comes down to asking myself, "Do I like this guy? Is he fun to be with? Is there reciprocity (are we both going to enjoy this encounter)? Is he likely to wear a condom, instead of giving me some lame-ass, self-serving excuse for not doing so? If I were to wake up next to him tomorrow would I be cool with it (or would I slip out silently at dawn to avoid him)? Would I readily admit to having slept with him, if asked by my best friend?" If I answer any of those questions with a "No," forget it.

This is really good

[Angela]

Numbers, schmumbers. One person's high number is another person's low number. (Except for maybe Wilt Chamberlain -- 20,000 -- 1.14 sex partners per day for your entire adult life -- seems like it might be anybody's high number. )

I read a suggestion I liked: "When you have sex with someone, you exchange a small amount of essence with that person, so never have sex with someone that you wouldn't want to be more like."

[pjhaggerty]

the numbers don't matter that much.

However, I heard about a guy who keeps a spreadsheet of all the girls he's slept with, with their names (usually aliases to protect their privacy) and some other information. All the girls know about the spread sheet, and it's not being posted anywhere, it's just for fun, but last I'd heard he'd slept with somewhere north of 100 girls, most of whom were on the spread sheet.

this is unnecessary for most people, but if you wanted to track the numbers, I guess excel works as well as anything else

[Angela]

Originally Posted by pjhaggerty

... if you wanted to track the numbers, I guess excel works as well as anything else

Bento would be good, too -- you could easily add photographs, dates, descriptions, checkboxes, and contact information (no wait, you probably wouldn't need that so much if you're just going for numbers ), and do some strategic analysis.

It's a good name, too -- "how many people have you Bento'd?"

[funchy]

If you slept with so many people you need a spreadsheet cause you can't remember their names... well, I'm not sure what to say about that.

How many of you keep track of how many people you've slept with?

I remember. Even if it was only once with a someone, I'm not going to forget it.

Also, what determines if you'll sleep with someone? Like do you have a list of standards they have to meet?

That has changed a bit over the years. If I had to sum it up now, I'd say I know it when I feel the moment is right. Maybe it's chemistry. I don't know.

I try not to overthink it. Sex is best if you don't over-analyze things.

[gingerbaker]

I don't keep track anymore. Numbers don't really matter to me. What *is* important to me (for myself and definitely in a partner) is, are you taking proper precautions?


As for deciding who I want to be sexual with, I basically use the questions MagicalRealist posted, only it's not really conscious and basically sums up to: Is the chemistry good?

[Indiana]

I never ask someone's number as it genuinely doesn't concern me. If a partner asked for mine, I think I would be - not affronted perhaps - but bothered, because the only reason I can imagine someone would ask would be to make a judgment on the response.

As with most intrusive questions, I find the best response is simply to smile and say, "Why do you want to know?"

[Holistic Star]

great response Indiana,

My favourite is to say very primly, "I don't think it is ladylike to count!"

[dude77]

Originally Posted by Orecle

Its a funny world we live in, where there are double standards between the sexes.

ie If a man is demonised alot more for beating his spouse, than the woman is for beating her hubbie. (in fact most men would think him a wimp for taking it)

A woman is demonised alot more for abandoning her kids, than a man is

In the sex number game, women are demonised alot more for higher numbers than men, even though programs like sex and the city are changing that perception.

Why are men bothered by women with high numbers? Bearing in mind I know alot of guys who would be bothered with more than 10 - 15

Alot of guys, have this warped idea, that if a woman has lets say 50, its because she could not say No to sex, even if she wanted to. When I ask them " could she stop if she desires" they all beleive no. They find it hard to beleive a woman could consciously go through a period of wanting just sex like men do. Its almost like they see it like she was weak-minded and she was roped into it, like subliminal advertising. And they have this fear that if they were to settle down with her, other guys would be able to flick this switch and activate her while he picks up the tab.


I know, we men can be silly.

Its like the thrase " She hasnt had many partners, oh she must be a good gal" How does few sexual partners qualify her as good? She could be an alcoholic, a junkie, she could be manipulative, a lousy mum, but for many guys, low sexual partner number = good girl

Sex is just like a smoking addiction, the more you do it the more you want.. |And most guys wouldn't like to be with a girl who dont know how to control her instincts. Instead of being spiritually aware, she's opting for her animal instincts.. Std's and Hiv are bigger risk though

[Liz Caitlin]

*shrug* I don't keep track. I know it's under 10, but I'm not sure of the exact number. Honestly, most people I know who have had higher numbers of partners were just single for periods of time - your sex drive doesn't die when you're not in a relationship, so if you want to have sex, yes, you might rack up some numbers. It's not a big deal. There's a huge history of women being more discriminated against with that, but I think part of it is just that it's fairly easy for women to get sex, so it's not seen as an accomplishment for us, whereas with men it's perceived more as an achievement if they've slept around.

However, I recently read an article that I cannot find for the life of me saying that men are now being judged very harshly for having lots of partners in the same way that women are. And that it's both men AND women judging them harshly. Apparently the new generation is having a backlash against the Baby Boomer culture or something, and they're more conservative, and so instead of demanding the right to have sex young women are just holding men to the same high standards they've always been held to? Which is dumb, imo - can we just NOT judge people for doing something incredibly enjoyable? Lol!

Here's the article - pretty depressing in my book, if this is what young people think like:

Why millennials are so judgmental about promiscuity. - By Jessica Grose - Slate Magazine

As far as standards go, they have to be hot. And not annoying. And good in bed - I have no problem ditching a guy if he's not doing it for me before we've finished, lol. Those are my standards for one-night stands. My standards for long-term partners are obviously much higher.

[Liz Caitlin]

Originally Posted by dude77

Sex is just like a smoking addiction, the more you do it the more you want.. |And most guys wouldn't like to be with a girl who dont know how to control her instincts. Instead of being spiritually aware, she's opting for her animal instincts.. Std's and Hiv are bigger risk though

Heh. My guy LOVES that I can't control my instincts. He knows if he wants me to drop everything & jump him, there's very little I consider important enough to stop me.

[aelle]

Originally Posted by Liz Caitlin

*shrug* I don't keep track. I know it's under 10, but I'm not sure of the exact number. Honestly, most people I know who have had higher numbers of partners were just single for periods of time - your sex drive doesn't die when you're not in a relationship, so if you want to have sex, yes, you might rack up some numbers. It's not a big deal. There's a huge history of women being more discriminated against with that, but I think part of it is just that it's fairly easy for women to get sex, so it's not seen as an accomplishment for us, whereas with men it's perceived more as an achievement if they've slept around.

However, I recently read an article that I cannot find for the life of me saying that men are now being judged very harshly for having lots of partners in the same way that women are. And that it's both men AND women judging them harshly. Apparently the new generation is having a backlash against the Baby Boomer culture or something, and they're more conservative, and so instead of demanding the right to have sex young women are just holding men to the same high standards they've always been held to? Which is dumb, imo - can we just NOT judge people for doing something incredibly enjoyable? Lol!

Here's the article - pretty depressing in my book, if this is what young people think like:

Why millennials are so judgmental about promiscuity. - By Jessica Grose - Slate Magazine

As far as standards go, they have to be hot. And not annoying. And good in bed - I have no problem ditching a guy if he's not doing it for me before we've finished, lol. Those are my standards for one-night stands. My standards for long-term partners are obviously much higher.

Sadly, I'm not surprised that the whole purity myth ends up damaging the bos as well. I'm hoping it's a question of maturity rather than a true shift between generations, though. I know I definitely had some harsh, judgmental opinions when I was younger that I outgrew.

[Indiana]

This thread is back from the dead but it gives me the chance to recount something funny I read the other day.

Calling someone a slut is really just saying, "They're having more sex than me, and I DON'T LIKE IT!"

[Karanime]

Calling someone a slut is really just saying, "They're having more sex than me, and I DON'T LIKE IT!"

Hear, hear!

/<3

("All the way": 3 I consider: 6)

[James81]

When I was a teenager, I used to go deer hunting with my dad and my family every year everyday for the entire week of deer season.

Whenever I would shoot and kill a deer, I would take after my dad's lead and write down what gun I used, what treestand I killed it out of, and what the date and time it was. I added my own little twist to his idea by also writing a diary entry of how the "kill" came to be and how I felt and all that.

I stopped doing that a couple of years ago (because hunting stopped being a "sport" to me and became more of a way to get some delicious deer bologna/deer jerky every year ).

I have, however, started wondering what it might be like to keep a little sex diary. Obviously, I won't be able to remember every time I had sex and what it was like (I was married for four years after all and that's a lot of sex with the same person). But I thought I might start doing it with any new partners that come along.

I haven't done it yet, but I'm considering it.

[gigij]

I had the opposite problem to most lol ...

I was with my 'first' for over 20 years ... and I was embarassed to admit to the next guy that I had only ever been with one man. Thought it might freak him out a little.

So I guess you can worry about it either way.

[dude77]

Originally Posted by Liz Caitlin

Heh. My guy LOVES that I can't control my instincts. He knows if he wants me to drop everything & jump him, there's very little I consider important enough to stop me.

Every guy would love that including me :P I believe on variety, aggressive and passionate sex with the person you love, but when someone goes with casual partners and other person for the thrill, thats bad coz no matter how much you pursue it, it never ends, it just keeps on increasing and there is no end.. you become a slave to the thrill experience and it can effect your life and can get you tons of disease.. What you need to spiceup your romantic life is imagination not superficial people.. Love with sex is sooooooooo awesome when exclusive that casual sex dont even stand 1% of it..

[Liz Caitlin]

Originally Posted by dude77

Every guy would love that including me :P I believe on variety, aggressive and passionate sex with the person you love, but when someone goes with casual partners and other person for the thrill, thats bad coz no matter how much you pursue it, it never ends, it just keeps on increasing and there is no end.. you become a slave to the thrill experience and it can effect your life and can get you tons of disease.. What you need to spiceup your romantic life is imagination not superficial people.. Love with sex is sooooooooo awesome when exclusive that casual sex dont even stand 1% of it..

Hmm...we agree on a lot here. I definitely think some people become addicted to new sexual experiences and need more & more to feel satisfied...it's an unhealthy pattern just like drinking or smoking or eating too much is unhealthy as well. So I get that. And I agree that casual sex doesn't hold a candle to sex with love.

I guess I just wouldn't judge someone who had casual sex in the past. It's like refusing to be with someone because they couldn't always get steak & had hamburger instead, ya know? And if you're safe about it, your odds of catching something are low. Not 0%, but low. I've never had an STI in my life & I've had my share of one-night stands.