is it weird for the guy to want to pay for all the dates??

[recordrustle]

hello
just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this
i've been going out with this guy and every time he always insists on paying, if i go to pay he always goes "no let me". Then I say we should halve it or take turns but it turns into this "no i'll get it" "no let me" etc.
a couple of the times we've gone out for dinner or whatever, i have paid but he still always wants to.

i think its very nice and generous of him to always want to, and i've asked him why he always wants to pay and he says because he wants to and tells me dont worry about it. but then i worry he's spending a lot.

why does he always want to pay??
am i worrying about it too much?
am i just a modern woman unaccustomed to this?

[MSC2471]

Sounds like this man was raised with good morals and high character traits. He probably is old-fashioned and of the belief that a man should take care of a woman, and that's why he insists on paying for all of the dates. It's probably something you may want to discuss with him in another setting other than when you are out to eat, as that can make for an uncomfortable situation.

Let us know how things work out in the end.

Matt

[aelle]

From his point of view, it is probably just the socially acceptable/expected thing to do. Or he could be one of these men who place their masculinity in their wallets. It's not inherently wrong or weird, nor is it inherently generous, good or a sign of high moral values.

Personnally, I'd be weirded out by it. I actually had a boyfriend who behaved that way for a while: it made me feel like I was being bought, and he didn't want to go out as often because it was expensive. Talk about a lose-lose situation!
If you are bothered by it, of course you should discuss it with him. You don't want to let patterns you do not agree with settle this early in the relationship.

[ssandra]

My husband was like this when we were first dating (he is Mexican... that has something to do with it).
After a while, when we got more serious he minded less if I paid although I always had to give him my money and he would pay.

So, don´t worry about it while you are just dating, just enjoy. Talk about it, or see if it gets better when things get more serious.

And... isn´t it a great feeling to have somebody wanting to do this for you?

[Dimond]

As long as he's not doing it to control you in any way or expects anything in return other than your gratitude, than it's fine. Enjoy it as it's rare to find these days.

[hooperkay]

Originally Posted by recordrustle

hello
just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this
i've been going out with this guy and every time he always insists on paying, if i go to pay he always goes "no let me". Then I say we should halve it or take turns but it turns into this "no i'll get it" "no let me" etc.
a couple of the times we've gone out for dinner or whatever, i have paid but he still always wants to.

i think its very nice and generous of him to always want to, and i've asked him why he always wants to pay and he says because he wants to and tells me dont worry about it. but then i worry he's spending a lot.

why does he always want to pay??
am i worrying about it too much?
am i just a modern woman unaccustomed to this?

Seriously?? Really?? Let him pay! If you want to pay and he says no let me, then let him. If you think he's paying too much, then pick something that doesn't cost money. You are worrying way too much... Enjoy him, there not all like that...

[cylon]

We had a great discussion here a while back where most of the "modern women" were saying the man should pay, it's expected of him, and he's not masculine if he doesn't. That paying was a sign of respect and proper courtship.

There's also the notion that women look to men to be providers, and these days, the closest thing to that is buying stuff.

Then of course there are other women who say "that is stupid and old fashioned, there's probably something wrong with him."

There is also the chance he thinks (this is only if you haven't had some sort of intimacy together) that if you are paying, then it stops being a date and just two friends hanging out, paying their own way. Perhaps he is trying to demonstrate to you that he is very serious about your relationship. Maybe growing up, society told him women only respond to men with money and he's trying to emulate that. Maybe etc.

So guys get tons of conflicting messages. He could be responding to any one of these factors.

Is he arranging the dates with you? Is he choosing where to go? Is he picking you up in his car and driving the both of you there?

If you care about him and its making him happy, then make him happy and let him pay. If you sense he's doing it out of some misplaced obligation, then gently let him know that you are dating him for him and are not interested in his money and then do something "physical" to demonstrate it.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by recordrustle

...
why does he always want to pay??
am i worrying about it too much?
am i just a modern woman unaccustomed to this?

Trust your intuition. What does it tell you?

[recordrustle]

Well if I trust my intuition then I think he just likes me and yeah I should stop worrying about it. We get on pretty well and we organise dates together so I dont feel controlled or anything, I like him a lot.

He is about 4 years older than me so maybe we just have different dating styles. I'm think just not used to this because I've never met anyone who's done this before.

[Angela]

Why not invite him for a date that you plan and host (make him dinner, prepare and map out a special picnic, arrange a car racing lesson, etc.), letting him know that he is your guest this time, and allow him to bask in that luxury? You'll get a sense of how graciously he accepts from you, or if he's got some weird issues about accepting those will probably show up.

One of the most generous things a person can do in romantic relationship, I think, is to be graciously accepting. It may not mean paying for meals in your case, but I think it's important that everybody in the relationship participate in the flowing dance of abundance in some way.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by recordrustle

...
I'm think just not used to this because I've never met anyone who's done this before.

That's cool! You can learn something new then! Have you shared your feelings about this with him? If not do so, and add: 'but I'm getting used to it and I like it!'

Angela's suggestion is great: return the favor by you giving him a special whatever is special for him. A date that you arrange completely. Or a date where you do whatever he likes if even you don't like it (go to an awful sports match, or that horror movie or whatever disgusts you but he likes to do).

[gingembre]

Originally Posted by Angela

Why not invite him for a date that you plan and host (make him dinner, prepare and map out a special picnic, arrange a car racing lesson, etc.), letting him know that he is your guest this time, and allow him to bask in that luxury? You'll get a sense of how graciously he accepts from you, or if he's got some weird issues about accepting those will probably show up.

One of the most generous things a person can do in romantic relationship, I think, is to be graciously accepting. It may not mean paying for meals in your case, but I think it's important that everybody in the relationship participate in the flowing dance of abundance in some way.

Excellent advice!

I would say, as long as your intuition is fine with it, go with it. If you run into issues similar to aelle where you are limited on going out because he is insistent on paying, then you may want to discuss it with him if you'd rather go out and pay yourself than be limited by machiso. But it may very well be possible that he has the money to spend and is just not concerned about it - especially if he thinks or knows that you have less disposable income.

[Curtis2011]

Sounds like he wants to be a gentleman.


How thoughtful

[Milena]

I'm surprised no one has yet to mention a scary reality. Maybe he likes to pay all the time so that you "owe" him; the next time he asks you for something you may feel more obligated to do it out of guilt. This might mean paying for him down the road, having sex with him at his discretion, or going to an event that you don't want to be at.

I know this might be too paranoid, but it's also a bit realistic. I know quite a few people who like to "own" others by providing for them in one way or another. There is also a dangerous money/sex dynamic between men and women, which you should take care to avoid.

Of course, use your intuition and common sense. However, I strongly recommend that you start paying at least some of the time. If you want this relationship to be/become equal on all levels, you should both pay (unless one of you is poor...)

[UnleashReality]

it's weird if he wants to pay to impress you but it's cool if he just pays without making it a big thing.

the intention is important.

he probably was brought up to feel he has to pay for dates so just do your part by adding to the relationship in other ways, say by making dinner every now and then or a picnic.

it's only a big deal if you make it one.

regards
alex