Throwing away the most important thing in my life instead of dealing with my problems

[gillet]

I am not the victim in this, everything i did has been for my own selfish reasons, and i really need help in 1) sorting my life out 2) deciding whether i ended my relationship for the right reasons.


I'm 27 and have been in a loving relationship for 8 years. We met and there was an immediate connection, so strong its impossible to explain. I didnt even fancy her to start with, but i wanted to spend every waking minute with her.

There was also another women who i'd been totally in love with for 2 years(my "crush"), but who had no interest in being more than best friends, again with her i had a connection, and i always dreamt she would realise how amazing i was and fall for me.
i realised that things with my crush were never going to happen, AND i had this new girl who loved me for me, and who wanted to spend every minute with me, and i felt the same about her, so i forgot my crush.

Me and the girlfriend had a whirlwind relationship, despite living 3.5 hours away i saw her most days, and after 2 months we moved in together in London(which was my dream).
I sometimes forget how much i love her, but sometimes i'd find myself just watching her sleep and realising how lucky i was. Then 2-3 years ago i got properly screwed over by my best mate, and i've only just realised i turned from a fun loving guy with aims and goals in life, into a very depressed, angry young man. I started only seeing the negatives in things, and started smoking ALOT of weed, i always did, but it turned from an occasional thing into a way of life. I convinced myself that this was what i wanted, and i thought it made me happy, but have only just realised how bad i've become. And i accept that the way i dealt with this was my fault, i do not want to blame the one that screwed me.

I started not going out anywhere, and i lost all my old friends, i still had 2 great friends, but even when they went out i started making excuses that i wanted to go home and smoke by myself. My girlfriend then started going out with my mates all the time because i wouldn't ever do anything. And when we were together we lived my life, i never did anything i didnt want to, and she always had to do my thing. I then started resenting her because she wanted to be involved with my hobbies(cars, video games, photography), and i wouldn't let her get involved, but she only wanted to be involved because it was the only time i was truly happy.
I now literally don't do anything, i sit in every night/weekend smoking weed, watching TV and trying to make my mates come to my place. i don't even do the things i enjoy anymore, car shows etc, and i properly resent it if i have to see my friends or family, in a "i can't be arsed to be around other people and have to be nice to them" kind of way.
I also started to become very nasty with my girlfriend(verbally), i took all my anger out on her, as she said when i was nice i was the nicest, most gentle and kind man in the world, but for no apparent reason i would turn into the angriest and nastiest person alive, for instance in the mornings she's ask me something, and instead of just listening to her i'd yell at her with pure venom "i haven't got time for your crap, i've got my own problems to deal with", even though all she might have asked is "do you fancy going to the cinema tonight".

I have been trying to motivate myself to stop smoking, which is hard because my girlfriend and all my mates do, so it was always in the house. The girlfriend even offered to quit with me, but i got angry with her for trying to treat me like a kid that couldn't do things on their own. I decided to take a photography course, but never turned up, even though i knew it was what i needed to do to motivate myself into the process of changing my behaviours, meeting new people, stop smoking so much etc. It was just so easy to stay as i was, and i simply could not be arsed to change anything in my life, i refused to accept that i had a problem.

The girlfriend and i always had our problems, the same arguments over and over again about money, or going to see each others families etc, and these grew into bigger and bigger arguments, but last year we had a proper chat about all our problems and decided that to make this work we were both gonna have to put in alot of effort not to argue about the same thing, for me to be less nasty, that kind of thing. She made alot of effort, but by the next day i'd passed that conversation off as totally unimportant.

Things with the girlfriend since then were ok, but i never put in enough effort to make it the way it was before, even though i still loved her more than ever, but i just let her do all the loving for both of us.

Then 4 months ago i got an e-mail out of the blue from my crush, had seen her maybe twice in the last 5 or 6 years. I was going to see my parents a few weeks later so i saw her too, lying to my girlfriend about it, and then purposefully asking her to check my e-mails so that she could see i'd been talking to my crush, i thought that'd be easier than just telling her. I saw my crush, and had an amazing weekend, suddenly i'm obsessed again, its something new and exciting and there's already this amazing connection there, i did not act on this. I went out of my way to see her again a few weeks later, this time staying at her place and again lying to my girlfriend, we had another great weekend, although i had knots in my stomach and was very ill, which i am confused about, was that because i loved my girlfriend so much and felt that spending time with my crush was wrong, or was it because i was falling for someone new? about 3am there's a knock on the bedroom door, and my crush comes in she says she loves me, she always had but thought we were too young to have anything serious, that she's been in a couple of relationships and ended them because i'm the only person she can ever see herself spending the rest of her life with. I was sensible and just said that although i had issues with my life and my girlfriend, and although i had often thought of her in problem times and thought i'd be happy with her, it was something i could not act on. If i ever became single i would be more than interested, but i would not end my relationship for her. i was not ending that for a "what if" girl.

A few days after i got back i had one of our usual HUGE arguments with the girlfriends that start in nothing, and ends with one of us shouting "why are even still together then, maybe we should just end this". Only this time i had an excuse to end it, so i did. I made it very clear to myself that i was not breaking up with her for my crush, it was just a coincidence, and i was not happy with her. So i now think that i threw away the biggest and most important thing in the world, because i was unhappy in my life, i knew something needed to change but could not motivate myself to do anything, so as soon as i got the opportunity to change something, i got so excited that i rushed straight into it. I used my crush declaring her love for me as an excuse to change something in my life because i didnt have an excuse or any motivation to change anything else.

My girlfriend and I have now broken up on amicable terms, and are still good friends, she knows my crush is intrested in me, and is convinced i'm just going to fall into a relationship with her.
I tried not to tell my crush that we'd broken up, but i couldn't stop myself, and then she came to see me, we didnt have sex, but we fooled around a bit and were very excited and "loved up", which felt wierd after only just breaking up with my girlfriend of 8 years.
After the crush came to stay we started speaking every day and it became very intense, the only thing that kept us getting more intense was the 150 miles between us. i started feeling extremely sorry for myself and my guilty for the reasons i broke up with my girlfriend, and suddenly realised how much i really did love her, and why we actually broke up, because i'd got so caught up in seeing my crush i'd forgotten about all my other problems, weed etc. Which are now preying on my mind again.
As soon as i started thinking about my other problems again i started thinking that i really do love the girlfriend, and that it was ME that wasn't willing to change, not her, and i've started to realise what the problems in our relationship were, they weren't HER, they were the way I reacted to things, and the way she reacted when I treated her badly. All i needed to do was sort my own problems out and we would have been happy for years to come.

I am now SO confused, i have said to the crush that i think everything happened too soon, we shouldn't speak untill i get my head together, because i want to sort my head out, and if anything did ever happen i wouldn't want to find myself in the same situation with her 6 months down the line. Also i don't think i ever really wanted to be with her, it was me falling in love with a memory, although i could be completely wrong on that. I know i could get myself heavily involved with the crush and sort my life out that way, but now that i realise how much i love my (ex)girlfriend i've realised that if i'm willing to change, i am willing to change with her in my life, and i do not want or need to have this defining thing like a crush to make me change, i should do it for myself, and i know my life as it was before we broke up would be a 100 times better if i actually changed the things in my life i need to.

i know no-one can give me the answers, but i want to know, can i change? does every relationship have the same old arguments that come up again and again? could i have been sabotaging my own relationship because it was an excuse to change everything else? am i decieving myself to think i could be happy with any girl at this stage, or do i need to sort myself out first?

anyway, sorry for making you read all that, but its helped me just to write it.

[ssandra]

Hi,

First of all... I am very sorry that you are so confused and feel so lonely.

Than... yes, you can change! Of course you can!

But.. Do it for yourself, not for a gf, crush or anybody else, because that will not work. Do it to become more happy yourself and only if you are happy with who you are, are you ready to be in a relationship.

What I would suggest is to stop smoking weed right now. Smoking too much can lead to depression, paranoia and a whole lot of other bad issues.

If you have difficulty than just try to stop for 1 day. If you do.. try it again for just 1 day, and again and again. If you do smoke, don´t worry about it, and jus try again tomorrow. 1 day at the time until you don´t feel like you need it anymore.

Make a point in making new friends or finding your old friends. Go out with them, have fun!


Good luck turning your life around, and as they say... admitting the problem is the first step!

[gillet]

Thanks Ssandra - that is just the type of thing i need to hear, i know its all possible but sometimes you need someone to tell you you can do it.

I think in the past i have always tried to make changes because other people want me to, so this time its all about me.

As you say, take each day as it comes, and i know i can do this, and then my mind will be clearer, and i can make the right decision for once. Even after writing all that i felt better straight away, it really does help to share.
Thanks

[Rosa]

Hey Gillet!

That's one hell of a problem you have there. It's good that you realise that you have to solve this on your own, not for a girlfriend or a crush but for yourself. You need to.

As a second point, do you realise that you're addicted to weed? From your post it seemed that you see the weed as a consequence of your moodiness, but it may well be the cause. Seek help if you cannot quit on your own.

And as for trying to get the rest of your life back on track, if it were that easy you would have done it by now. But don't let that stop you from trying.

Stay in touch with your (ex)girlfriend, let her know how much you love her. Do tell her that you're trying to change and therefore cannot immediately get back together with her, though. She deserves better then what she got from you before, I think you'll agree. And let the crush slide. She's not who you really want, she's just your way of admitting your life before sucked. Change it, don't hide in drugs and crushes. You can do it.

Good luck.

[rose A]

IMO before you decide to do anything, I believe your ex deserves a heartfelt apology. Then go on from there. I definitely don't need to bring to your attention what kind of animal you were behaving as.

[gillet]

Rosa - thanks, i think you are right, i need to let the crush slide, i just feel so wrong for letting it happen in the 1st place, not for me, but for her, she's now going to be upset and i allowed that to happen. I think it might have just been an escape from my normal life and thats why i got so excited by it all.

I do love the ex, and she definately deserves more, as she is a strong person i know she'd drop me like a hat if i ever treated her like that again, and i'd deserve that.

I am finally aware of my weed addiction, and is definately something i'm seeking help on, i'm also now aware it has affected my moods and behaviours. My best mate is moving in with me in 2 weeks time, so he's helping me cut down now, and when he moves in we are both going cold turkey, and find plenty of stuff to keep us occupied.

rose A - i couldn't agree more.

[aelle]

Originally Posted by gillet

I am finally aware of my weed addiction, and is definately something i'm seeking help on, i'm also now aware it has affected my moods and behaviours. My best mate is moving in with me in 2 weeks time, so he's helping me cut down now, and when he moves in we are both going cold turkey, and find plenty of stuff to keep us occupied.

I wish you both luck and courage to cut your addiction. Maybe this shock to your life could be a good occasion to cut away the social circle that keeps you into the habit of smoking? It is all the more difficult to quit when others around you don't. In any case, there are countless ressources out there for smoking quitters, and I am sure you'll get encouragements and advice if you open a support thread here.

I saw 2 of my friends stop using weed/hash (to which they were severely addicted) a few years ago. It was extremely hard for them, but they made it. They are completely new men now.

[Melly]

I'm not a relationship expert but i hope my advice can help.

The ex girlfriend deserves the right to know that your sorry about the way you feel you treated her, that your changing to be a better person and that you do love her.

Replace weed and video games with something else.

You know my boyfriend has a 'release' which is his motorbike, when he goes out riding on it it clears his head and he forgets about his problems, its like he takes his anger out on his bike so when he comes back to me, he's ready for time with me not his problems and me.

Maybe find your release, like photography, drawing, long walks, car shows, swimming, boxing, just basic time out with friends, paintballing. Do whatever you think you'd enjoy or have enjoyed before, also try new things, you'd be surpised in what you start to like.

Video games are temporary entertainment, they are just there to keep us busy for awhile but its not a release or a hobby, its more of something to pass the time.

Its good that you've realised that you and your crush wasn't mean't to be and tbh it sounds like it was just chemisty between you two, everyone always has that someone we have more chemisty with than others, its like friends, you always have that friend you get along with abit more easier. Being in love doesn't poke our eyes out, its natural to think other people are attactive while being with another person, its whether you act on it that is the problem.

All couples agrue or disagree, agruements and disagreements are normal, nothings perfect and you can't always be happy, we're allowed to have our down moments and sometimes in relationship we do have those silly reacurring agruements only because we haven't disgusted how to solve the problem together, we've just told each other its a problem that needs solving. If you get what i mean.

I think your back on the right track, it sounds like you've changed alot already so i wish you all the best for the future.