Love with Fear

[narue]

Hi All

I'm a newbie here.

Currently I'm facing some relationship issues. A guy approached me and I like him as well. We are trying to deepen our connection now. So far, the chemistry in between is great. We both enjoy each others' company. Everything seems good and promising, except for.. he wants the relationship to be non-committal. For this, I've been reminding myself to live in the present and enjoy the moment.

No PDA, no hugging, kissing and holding hands in public. But of course when no one is around or in dark places, we can share intimacy. I really like being with him. I think I've fallen in love with him. Looking forward for the next date every now and then. Like being with him even though we might be arguing on stupid things. I can feel the feeling is mutual with stronger connection day by day. Privately we seem to be couple but we only meet once a week with very minimal (or none) connection on other days. He has never been a real full time bf.

The only problem is I need to soul-search everytime after dating him. I need to repeatedly ask myself if I still want to go out with him as his underground partner, accepting the fact that I can't never introduce him to friends and vice versa, accommodating his schedule for he's dating other girls as well, etc.. I am contradicting myself. I don't feel much care now compared to before. He never need to hide the fact the he's going out with some other girls from me. Probably because he thinks that I like him very much and won't leave him. How to make him care for me more?

I can't deny that I have fear while the affection grows. I feel really happy with him. But the stronger the feeling, the greater the fear. Why? Should we pursue chemistry or compatibility? He possesses all the major criteria that I look in a guy. Just that he doesn't seem to be interested to make the relationship official. I'm in great dilemma now.

Please advise. Thanks all!

[rawxstasy]

The only problem is I need to soul-search everytime after dating him. I need to repeatedly ask myself if I still want to go out with him as his underground partner, accepting the fact that I can't never introduce him to friends and vice versa, accommodating his schedule for he's dating other girls as well, etc

Are you sure he isn't married? And why would he need a "secret" girlfriend? This doesn't seem right and I think you realize it to - that's why you are asking yourself these questions. He almost acts like he's ashamed of you. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like that?

The only way to make him care for you more is you need to stand up for yourself. Tell him this is not acceptable anymore. The bad part is, he may leave. But he may come back to you with more respect for you than before.

[James81]

Sounds like your needs are being disregarded or minimized. Are you truly in love with him or are you just infatuated with him? Love is a reciprical emotion...infatuation is where one person is more interested than the other.

The thing you need to decide for yourself is whether you can live with a person who obviously has commitment issues.

I think it's time to set some boundaries. Stand up for what you want, and if he is unwilling to give you what you want, then realize that you are simply incompatible and find someone who is willing to give you the things you want without you having to fight/beg for it.

[Dimond]

When someone needs to be secretive or not commit, it rarely is a positive thing. You definitely need to decide what kind of relationships you want and not settle for less than that.