Trouble letting go of some anger.

[Foggy]

I have been together with my current gf, on and off, for just over a year. We had a very rocky start to our relationship, but we both have matured and things have gotten progressively better as time has gone on. I am more happy with the relationship than I ever have been in the past, except for one small detail.

A few months ago we had a fight and she said we needed some space. The next day she went to a party, got drunk, and made out with almost everyone there. I was unaware that us having space meant that we were dropping all commitment to one another. I felt upset that she hadn't communicated that more effectively. The next day she started dating someone who she had met at the party. I found this all out in one day while still under the impression that we were together. I shut her out of my life to save myself the pain of watching her develop a new relationship with someone else, even though she asked me to stay in her life as a friend. Oddly, the more she begged the more resentment I felt towards her. At one point she called me and told me that she wasn't over me and that she had spent the whole day crying because she missed me. I felt insulted that she would tell me that while she was dating another guy. I dropped communication with her. After one of the most miserable weeks of my life she called me up once again asking me to be her friend. This time she told me that she had broken up with her new boyfriend.

I denied her once again, but after a week of her calling me and me shutting her down I finally broke and began friendly conversation with her. One thing led to another and soon we had set a date to see one another again.

This is the final and deepest cause of my anger. A few days before the day we were going to see one another she called me up and told me that she couldn't hang out because she had made prior plans to get to the birthday party of the guy she had dated after we broke up (she had previously told me that she didn't plan to go the party). I felt deeply disrespected. I have never been so angry that I've lost control of myself before that in my life, but I just let go and started yelling insults at her. After we had hung up, I called her back at 12 in the morning just to yell at her some more, and then I ended the night with a horribly demeaning email. I felt like I had joined the dark side or something, this kind of behavior is not typical of me. In fact, that's been the only time I've ever directed my anger at someone with the intent of hurting them. And oddly to this day, I don't feel regretful for it.

She never really apologized and neither did I. I don't think she ever truly understood why her canceling our date to go to his birthday party upset me. She never did go to the party, and we did spend time together and ended up getting back together. But I never let go of any of the anger. I have a feeling most of it is directed at myself for letting her back in my life against my better judgment, but it manifests itself as anger towards her. Our relationship is far better now than it ever was before but I feel as though I am suppressing a lot of anger that has no way to escape, and I don't know how to talk to her about it without starting a fight. If our relationship wasn't getting better I would simply break up with her and be done with it but the truth is we barely fight at all anymore and I am genuinely happier with it than I have ever been before. Except for this anger, and I don't really know what to do with it.

[funchy]

Originally Posted by Foggy

This is the final and deepest cause of my anger.... I felt deeply disrespected. I have never been so angry that I've lost control of myself before that in my life... I've ever directed my anger at someone with the intent of hurting them. And oddly to this day, I don't feel regretful for it.

...I never let go of any of the anger. I have a feeling most of it is directed at myself for letting her back in my life against my better judgment, but it manifests itself as anger towards her. ... happier with it than I have ever been before. Except for this anger, and I don't really know what to do with it.

If you intended to hurt you and you still don't regret it, what does that say about how you really feel about her?

If you admit to hating yourself for letting her back in, why do you stay with her?

Sometimes people can get back together, but that implies both people realized what they did wrong and are both making efforts to change and improve. Instead I hear you tell me of a girl who breaks up with people casually, she doesn't get why she hurt you, and you don't get why you can't leave a girl who treats you this way.

[Angela]

What is the message the anger is trying to get through your thick skull? Get the message.

[MiBeloved]

The anger is going to hurt you also. Begin to look at that and free yourself from it and move on. Regarding the other person, release that person to go on with life and to improve and wish that person well. Offer assistance if you can to that person, but keep yourself out of the self-poison of anger.

[UnleashReality]

check out the sedona method for releasing help, especially with anger. helped me loads. Sedona Method (official site) The Secret self-help program; self-improvement technique

good luck
alex