Dating Advice

[Wooderson]

Hey everyone!

Well, broke down & went to the internet for some advice. Hope you don't mind a little abridged story...but first, a little about myself:

I'm a 25 year-old male, college grad, employed (a rarity these days, right?), financially set, happy & enjoying life. I'm pretty social (have a fraternity background), down to earth, have a lot of random interests, adventurous, spontaneous etc. Now not to be vain, but I know that I'm a good looking guy (c'mon we all figure this out one way or another!) who takes care of myself & dresses smart but not flashy.

Anyways, on to the meat of the story! I met this girl at a bar about 7 weeks ago - we had a great convo and unlike most attractive women at bars, she didn't play any games...it was a really natural conversation (just as I was beginning to lose faith, right?). Took her out a week later, ended well with a kiss. Took her out the next weekend, ended up with an hour of good - well, you know. Since then, we've hung out about 5 times: 3 dates, two late night hookups...sex has always been involved. But I must emphasize that these meetups aren't just hook-up and run...

But here's the thing: she never calls or texts me. Never. I've always got to be the one to make the plans. Of note, I've been pretty respectful of her space...I won't contact her for 3-4 days after we've seen each other (alright, except for one time when I followed up the next morning with a good joke). The last thing I want to be mistaken for is being needy...

So what's the deal? I've had a fair amount of partners, but admittedly, not a great deal of relationship experience. This girl is throwing me a curve ball! On that note, is this something I should continue to pursue, or is this going nowhere? As you can guess, I'm into her...

My theory is that she's either
1.) Not that into me - purely physical relationship
2.) Has someone else she's hooking up with - likely an ex-boyfriend
3.) Legitimately old-fashioned and/or shy

It's just weird though - I've had strictly hook-up relationships, but these have never led to movie & wine nights like last weekend - or formal dates for that matter. We click pretty well when we're together. Should I just keep it going and let things develop...or is something else going on here and I'm likely being used or wasting my time?

Sorry if I'm rambling/unclear here...I don't really ask for advice too often. Let me know what you guys think I should do...

[rose A]

Hilarious. She is letting you be the man.She is letting you pursue her. Enjoy it. Be the Alpha.

[Indiana]

Well, I'm not from the American dating culture so take this with a grain of salt but... if there was a guy I'd seen seven times in seven weeks, who I never called and who usually only got in touch three or four days after we'd hooked up, I would assume neither of us were serious.

If I was serious, I'd be making contact, and wanting to see him more frequently at this point.

Also, if he was taking three or four days to contact me after a date, and I was only seeing him once a week, I'd assume he wasn't that interested in an actual relationship either (as opposed to 'not needy').

If I was 'legitimately old-fashioned and shy' he wouldn't have seen the inside of my panties by this stage.

The most effective way of finding out what she wants is to just ask her and be honest about what you're thinking. If you have to dance around what you think or want, or measure your actions, you're probably just not right for each other right now.

[Orecle]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Well, I'm not from the American dating culture so take this with a grain of salt but... if there was a guy I'd seen seven times in seven weeks, who I never called and who usually only got in touch three or four days after we'd hooked up, I would assume neither of us were serious.

If I was serious, I'd be making contact, and wanting to see him more frequently at this point.

Also, if he was taking three or four days to contact me after a date, and I was only seeing him once a week, I'd assume he wasn't that interested in an actual relationship either (as opposed to 'not needy').

If I was 'legitimately old-fashioned and shy' he wouldn't have seen the inside of my panties by this stage.

The most effective way of finding out what she wants is to just ask her and be honest about what you're thinking. If you have to dance around what you think or want, or measure your actions, you're probably just not right for each other right now.

Have to agree, regardless of what some women may claim. No matter how sexy or old fashioned a woman is, if she is interested she will show interest. Dont buy that 'women dont chase crap' ask any man who is good with women, and they will tell you, if a women wants you, she will chase you just like we guys do. If it was the 1st wk. i would say she is playing cool, but 7 wks

test her. dont call her or text for a couple wks and see what she does. If she dont call, then you probably have not sparked off big enough attraction.

[James81]

Some people just don't want a serious relationship, but aren't really going to avoid doing relationship things with others.

Honestly just sounds like she wants a lighthearted, fun relationship with a great guy with no strings attached.

If that's not what you want, then you probably aren't compatibile with her. But if you're wanting to get a little more serious or exclusive, you should probably talk to her and tell her what you want. (Don't ask her why she doesn't call you....show her you want more by contacting her more...tell her you want more when the time/subject is right and you can go into what you are wanting out of a relationship)

[Svante]

Originally Posted by Wooderson

Hey everyone!

Well, broke down & went to the internet for some advice. Hope you don't mind a little abridged story...but first, a little about myself:

I'm a 25 year-old male, college grad, employed (a rarity these days, right?), financially set, happy & enjoying life. I'm pretty social (have a fraternity background), down to earth, have a lot of random interests, adventurous, spontaneous etc. Now not to be vain, but I know that I'm a good looking guy (c'mon we all figure this out one way or another!) who takes care of myself & dresses smart but not flashy.

Anyways, on to the meat of the story! I met this girl at a bar about 7 weeks ago - we had a great convo and unlike most attractive women at bars, she didn't play any games...it was a really natural conversation (just as I was beginning to lose faith, right?). Took her out a week later, ended well with a kiss. Took her out the next weekend, ended up with an hour of good - well, you know. Since then, we've hung out about 5 times: 3 dates, two late night hookups...sex has always been involved. But I must emphasize that these meetups aren't just hook-up and run...

But here's the thing: she never calls or texts me. Never. I've always got to be the one to make the plans. Of note, I've been pretty respectful of her space...I won't contact her for 3-4 days after we've seen each other (alright, except for one time when I followed up the next morning with a good joke). The last thing I want to be mistaken for is being needy...

So what's the deal? I've had a fair amount of partners, but admittedly, not a great deal of relationship experience. This girl is throwing me a curve ball! On that note, is this something I should continue to pursue, or is this going nowhere? As you can guess, I'm into her...

My theory is that she's either
1.) Not that into me - purely physical relationship
2.) Has someone else she's hooking up with - likely an ex-boyfriend
3.) Legitimately old-fashioned and/or shy

It's just weird though - I've had strictly hook-up relationships, but these have never led to movie & wine nights like last weekend - or formal dates for that matter. We click pretty well when we're together. Should I just keep it going and let things develop...or is something else going on here and I'm likely being used or wasting my time?

Sorry if I'm rambling/unclear here...I don't really ask for advice too often. Let me know what you guys think I should do...

so what are you complain about. i think you are lucky. my girlfriend she make all the plans to go someplace. she is always call me when i do my homework and can't get anything finish. sometime i tell her to stop doing this. i think you are in serious relationship with your girlfriend and she wants you to plan things. i don't see anything wrong with this.

[Wooderson]

Great responses everyone.

I think it's pretty clear that she just wants something light and fun and your opinions seem to confirm it.

But admittedly, I'm looking for a relationship. At this point, experience tells me to "test her" a bit by not calling and seeing if she calls, but here's the problem: birthday's this weekend.

Either blessing or a curse: she already made plans to get dinner with her parents. Naturally, I offered to take her out...so she (kinda sheepishly) counteroffered to have me take her out the night before. I said "it's your birthday, you pick the place"...but the subject turned and she hasn't gotten back to me about it. I really want to do something special for her and show her my thoughtful side (it's been a while since I've been able to do this - maybe that's part of it) but I feel that if she's not in to me that much, this would be foolish.

I was thinking about having her come over in the middle of the week, make her dinner and in the least uncomfortable way, figure out where things are going. Good idea or not? Or should I not call altogether on the premise that if she wanted me to take her out, she'd call?

Thanks for your advice everyone...

[James81]

Originally Posted by Wooderson

At this point, experience tells me to "test her" a bit by not calling and seeing if she calls, but here's the problem: birthday's this weekend.

.......

Or should I not call altogether on the premise that if she wanted me to take her out, she'd call?

IMO, this is kind of manipulative. I mean, I know this kind of stuff works with women (seems like a man who ignores her sparks her attraction to him for some reason), but is it really the path you want to take to begin a relationship? It's one thing to use these types of tactics to get sex, it's another to use them as a foundation for a relationship.

I think, when it comes to relationships, a more direct approach will be your best plan of action. You don't want to have to found your relationship on using manipulative tactics to passively see where she stands. Take the bull by the horns, and figure out a way to convey it directly without coming across as needy/clingy.

I'll warn you, though, there is probably more of a chance of rejection using this approach, but, as others have said, if she's into you, it won't matter how you approach it. If she's not, well, then at least you know not to waste anymore of your time with her.

[funchy]

I think you're overthinking this.

I am also confused by something you said. You wrote: "unlike most attractive women at bars, she didn't play any games". But you admit to playing games ("I won't contact her for 3-4 days after we've seen each other") and you seem to want advice to get her to do what you want. You don't need to get caught up in games or other peoples' ideas of who does what when. Just be yourself. If you have a reason to call her, do it without worrying about being "needy". If you have a reason to see her, just call her up and go out without playing a waiting game.

[UnleashReality]

you say, "unlike most attractive women at bars" as though you've been hurt in the past, and describe he as different like you had an expectation of what women were like and she's different, which means you probably have an expectation for how she must behave now with you and are getting sad that she's not living up to that.

i don't think it's such a big deal that you must make plans but that doesn't seem to be the issue. easy way to resolve that is to not make plans for a while and withhold the urge to contact her. either she makes plans or not. next.

drop the expectation and lighten up. it's just a girl. seems like you've gotten yourself invested in the interaction and how it turns out - she definitely feels that and pulls back, you want to make plans more and the scales tip.

just let go. if it doesn't work out, there are millions of awesoem girls out there.

bottom line is that she can feel how you feel and as soon as you see her as important or a big deal, you're done.

i recommend checking out Real Social Dynamics Nation and reading "the way of the superior man" by David Deida

good luck
alex

[gingembre]

Why don't you just ask her?

[ShiningLight]

Based off of what you said, she is just not into you for a serious relationship bro. My hunch is most likely because you came across too needy too quickly.

Contrary to what others have said, you just can't tell her "the truth." Listen, crazy people tell the "truth" all the time - it doesn't mean I stop thinking they're crazy. IOW, if you're coming from a place of "neediness," telling her the "truth" is extremely counter-productive. You will just be reaffirming to her how needy you are. No one is attracted to desperation.

Best thing you can do for now is to make her come to you. You got to get back control of the situation. Right now she has the power and you know it. How does that make you feel? Not good I bet. Don't be telling her you'll cook her dinner or take her "where ever she wants to go." Not cool, right now. Play it cool.

UnleashReality gave really good advice as well.