Finding my dealbreaker

[scents2]

Hi, I have been with my man for 7 months, as I was single for many years it has taken a while to adjust to being with somebody. I made a deal breaker at the start of our relationship. It came clear that I wasnt clear enough on this matter as I caught him out doing what I suspected as our sex life was pretty non-existant. As time has gone by I have communicated to him that I dont want to be a sexual object to turn him on. What I mean by that is, he has asked that I wear certain clothing to arouse him. This has made me wonder whether my everyday usual self is enough? Im not sure if I lack the confidence to do so or if im just stubborn. I have conveyed to him what i want which is sensual touch. We are now at the stage of which comes first here? Do i get myself turned on without him, to turn him on. Or do I wait for him to let me know hes in the mood? He is purely visual but for me to give visual I have to want to. For me to want to I need touch and to feel sexy. He says its my ideal and it doesnt match his. My theory comes from what he is used to from the internet where women are always ready to go. Im thinking he may not know how to do this? Any thoughts welcomed

[scents2]

On further thinking on this....Id say that this issue runs at about the same level as his personal hygiene issue. He hasnt showered in over a week. When asked he replied he was lazy. As he is a smoker i have found cigarette butts on some surfaces and even with an ashtry close to him he just flicks it on the carpet. I think i am starting to get repulsed hence the not feeling sexy....hmmm I will ponder this

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by scents2

On further thinking on this....Id say that this issue runs at about the same level as his personal hygiene issue. He hasnt showered in over a week. When asked he replied he was lazy. As he is a smoker i have found cigarette butts on some surfaces and even with an ashtry close to him he just flicks it on the carpet. I think i am starting to get repulsed hence the not feeling sexy....hmmm I will ponder this

Sorry, but... EW.

[rawxstasy]

Hi there,

I pm'd you with more details about what I think. For what it's worth, the problem isn't the internet. IT"S HIM!! Don't make any excuses. Get out of the relationship. It doesn't even sound like a relationship- more like your an outlet for sex for him. Tell him your done being a blow up doll since all he can think about is his own needs.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

...
For what it's worth, the problem isn't the internet. IT"S HIM!!

...

No the problem is not him. @Scents2, do you want to be with a man who behaves as you describe? If yes, OK continue. If no, what keeps you from ending the relationship? What do you get out of the relationship?

[scents2]

Those are good questions. As you may have guessed I have thought many things such as maybe I can teach him how to treat me or train him to shower everyday by using some sort of adoration and words of praise. I like it that you make it simple with those questions. The answer is no of course. Why am I still with him? The company I guess. I have thrown him out 3 times already in the last 2 months. Its only then that I hear any special loving words. I also feel sorry for him im many ways. I think its teaching me alot about myself and how i pick men that need to be rescued. At the end of the day its a problem as I have devalued myself by compromising with him on my deal breaker. If there was respect, the level has been slowly dropped resulting in me struggling with my thoughts to find the truth in actions not over his words.

[spirit4711]

So what's your next action?

[scents2]

Im not sure yet. Its sometimes hard to remain in my adult ego state. I make the best decisions then they all go out the window. Im thinking it might be best to wait for him to do the next thing wrong.

[rose A]

scents2

He has already showed you what he is like. He will not change. You will not teach him how to shower.

The no shower thing repulsed me from the minute I read it. YUCK! Don't have sex with him.

[tintin]

haw haw haw for gawds sakes scents you cant 'train' him!!you better rethink 'why' exactly you are with him.
id like to know what you have done in the past to get him to try to change.and how he responded. he has no clue about your needs.and youre responsible for not letting him know.
doesen matter if you din know your deal breaker before...you know it now!
seems to be as cosy as a bug in a rug..go ahead and rock his world ,id say..

*also seems to be taking you for granted.like hes reached a plateau.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by scents2

... Im thinking it might be best to wait for him to do the next thing wrong.

What problem would waiting solve?

What will you do when he's doing something you don't want or like?

[ssandra]

First things first.. no shower BAH!! Would be a dealbreaker for me too, and also the sigarettes everywhere... BAH!

About the sex and dressing up issue.

Of course, I don´t have all the details, but below is what usually is the situation:

It has nothing to do with you, and with you maybe not being good enough. Most people have their little fantasies that they like to fulfill. Every person should be happy if their partner can trust them enough to open up and to tell them these things.

It also does not mean that you have to do this for him all the time. You can have "normal" sex with sweet touchy feely stuff and every now and than you surprise him and dress up.

The good thing is that you can also ask him to do the same for you. If you find it really really hot that he.. well showers for example, ask him to do this for you.

Just because there are people who like things a little different in the bedroom does not make them freaks or people who need fixing or that it has to be their way or the highway. Most people who have a fetish are very well aware that this is their fetish and that they are lucky if they find that special partner who will endulge them every now and then.

[angies]

I am not sure what you are waiting for. I rather be alone than being with someone like that.

How can you make love to someone who are not clean. Smoking is another deal breaker for me. Cannot kiss a smoker regardless of how hot he looks. Just like licking an ashtray.

May be you are lonely and had been alone for many years before you met him and afraid that if you leave him you will not find another one, that's why you are hanging on to him.

[James81]

Originally Posted by scents2

I have conveyed to him what i want which is sensual touch.

Ok, so I was originally going to comment on this with the following...

You conveyed to him that what YOU want is sensual touch (because you are a woman and that's how you get sexually aroused) and he has conveyed to you that he wants you to wear certain sexy outfits (because he is a man and is aroused mainly by SIGHT). You need to recognize this very common difference between men and women for the future, because most men WANT women to wear sexy things. It doesn't make you an object. The only way you can be objectified is if your relationship is ONLY based on sex and sex alone. If you have a rich and full relationship, though, him asking you to wear sexy outfits is by no means objectifying you in any way shape or form. It's him asking you to do what turns him on, and in turn you have the right to ask him to do what turns YOU on.

Ok, so that was going to be my original reply, and then I read this:

Originally Posted by scents2

On further thinking on this....Id say that this issue runs at about the same level as his personal hygiene issue. He hasnt showered in over a week. When asked he replied he was lazy. As he is a smoker i have found cigarette butts on some surfaces and even with an ashtry close to him he just flicks it on the carpet. I think i am starting to get repulsed hence the not feeling sexy....hmmm I will ponder this

And I am thinking "EW!" Run for the hills.

[rawxstasy]

James81... that was hilarious!!

Scents2 - you mentioned in your message to me that you are a mother. Think of what kind of role model do you think you are being to your children? They might not be saying anything but your children are watching. Your behavior is telling them "any dirtbag is OK as long as I'm with someone"

After being in abusive relationships my daughters have now been in abusive relationships themselves-it's been a hard road for them to recover from that - thankfully they learned much quicker than I did. I think my being single - no dating, nothing for the past 1.5 years has been instrumental in them making better choices for themselves now.

If you feel it's overwhelming to be without a man try to get some therapy. Also read "Women who love too much." Also try Love Addiction & Sex Addiction: Help for love addicts. It's about love addiction, there is alot of good information on their forums.

You have gained alot of insight already. You recognize that you pick men who need to be rescued. You know deep down inside that he will not change. No amount of praise, or adoration is going to make him shower. He must have incredibly low self esteem if he cannot even take care of his own basic needs. DO NOT feel sorry for this guy. He's out for a free ride with this relationship. Take the first step and get him out of the house for good - then work on your own healing so you don't repeat this pattern.

[scents2]

Originally Posted by tintin

haw haw haw for gawds sakes scents you cant 'train' him!!you better rethink 'why' exactly you are with him.
id like to know what you have done in the past to get him to try to change.and how he responded. he has no clue about your needs.and youre responsible for not letting him know.
doesen matter if you din know your deal breaker before...you know it now!
seems to be as cosy as a bug in a rug..go ahead and rock his world ,id say..

*also seems to be taking you for granted.like hes reached a plateau.

Sorry not sure how to quote....testing testing.....tintin its become clear that that the importance of showering was not taught to him by his parents. Do you think he will ever learn it? Or do you think its too late?

To answer your second question. The change i created was banning any internet porn from my house. It was my initial deal breaker. I wanted a man who didnt need external arousal for at least the honeymoon period of our relationship. He couldnt help himself though. He now as far as i know he doesnt view or use it. I thought maybe he would focus on us instead however our sex life has been non existant. Im the one who tried to find out his likes to initiate things. No skirt no sex.

[scents2]

Originally Posted by ssandra

First things first.. no shower BAH!! Would be a dealbreaker for me too, and also the sigarettes everywhere... BAH!

About the sex and dressing up issue.

Of course, I don´t have all the details, but below is what usually is the situation:

It has nothing to do with you, and with you maybe not being good enough. Most people have their little fantasies that they like to fulfill. Every person should be happy if their partner can trust them enough to open up and to tell them these things.

It also does not mean that you have to do this for him all the time. You can have "normal" sex with sweet touchy feely stuff and every now and than you surprise him and dress up.

The good thing is that you can also ask him to do the same for you. If you find it really really hot that he.. well showers for example, ask him to do this for you.

Just because there are people who like things a little different in the bedroom does not make them freaks or people who need fixing or that it has to be their way or the highway. Most people who have a fetish are very well aware that this is their fetish and that they are lucky if they find that special partner who will endulge them every now and then.

Thank you for your reply. Sex didnt happen normally. It was either gropes from him while im sleeping or porn he watched. I know what you mean about the fun but im certain that can start to happen after a couple has been having normal sex for a while. I still havnt gone near him. He said last night that he would have a shower before he went out....but no

[scents2]

Thank you all for your replies. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. I thought it was actually me searching for a way out of this relationship and creating the drama. But reality is I wouldnt have stopped any sexual advances and ditto on the personal cleanliness. The part I played was allowing it to go on and the lack of patience in my delivery to him surrounding any talk of sex. That was a huge turn off for him as he wanted me to spend time finding out what turned him on. Thanks again for all your replies

[tintin]

you mean even though you dont like him unbathed you still let him be?

okay .i think this is his way of rebelling.
(i know that sounds totally childish but..thats what people do..sulk and pout until you get their message)
this is an impasse.
you sulking and him sulking. with NO communication .(reprimands and threats dont count)

some acceptance might be in order here.
rather than wanting him to change because you have a different idea about how sex should be is unfair scents maybe you need to accept that thats what he likes and thats the way he is.
so there you go you dont accept him and he rubbishes your needs in turn.tit for tat sez his brain. (you cannot believe how childish two grown up people can be)

now.someone has to make a move...because 'both' are waiting for the other to accept him or her.
see if you want to go first..

[scents2]

Originally Posted by tintin

you mean even though you dont like him unbathed you still let him be?

okay .i think this is his way of rebelling.
(i know that sounds totally childish but..thats what people do..sulk and pout until you get their message)
this is an impasse.
you sulking and him sulking. with NO communication .(reprimands and threats dont count)

some acceptance might be in order here.
rather than wanting him to change because you have a different idea about how sex should be is unfair scents maybe you need to accept that thats what he likes and thats the way he is.
so there you go you dont accept him and he rubbishes your needs in turn.tit for tat sez his brain. (you cannot believe how childish two grown up people can be)

now.someone has to make a move...because 'both' are waiting for the other to accept him or her.
see if you want to go first..

Thank you tintin. I think you have hit the nail on the head here. You are right I dont accept him. I had an ideal that maybe finally i had met a man who was into me and that he may put my needs first. A man who I could join in a sexual union with. Who found pleasure with me and participated in the experience. All I can see though is a man who remembers the visuals or scenarios he saw on the net and I am just a sperm recepticle. Its as though hes there for himself. Not sure how to deal with a biggie like this. The attraction has died for me over this matter. He has ideals aswel which are if I want sex it has to be fun to which i discovered meant no emotional connection. I have to flaunt my body in a way that will arouse him. I have tried to turn it around so I didnt need words of affirmation to know im doing it the right way, but no compliments or encouragement left me sort of empty.

[rawxstasy]

Good for you. You have lots of support here.

[tintin]

I had an ideal that maybe finally i had met a man who was into me and that he may put my needs first.

All I can see though is a man who remembers the visuals or scenarios he saw on the net and I am just a sperm recepticle. Its as though hes there for himself.

is this coming from a previous experience?
something which youre not done with yet?like an old pain which became a belief?

I have to flaunt my body in a way that will arouse him

did you ever have to do that in the past?

the thing is that sexual behaviour is learned too.
and its complex.with a whole lot of ideas coming in from parents/religion/past relationships. as it is learned it can be unlearned too.
so! you want sophisticated sex and he wants the primal base one.it can work like peddling a bike.
its a basic differnce between how a woman makes love vs a man.
he operates basically from the lower chakras and a womans power is in her plexus.so she kinda holds more umm.. sexual energy in herself which needs to be kindled and stoked to reach that point of ecstacy.
like i said peddling a bike.one foot pushes and then the other and then the bike moves.
it can be done provided you are willing to let go of some limiting beliefs about your sexuality.
explore it a bit.your own sexuality i mean.its a bit hard to break it down for examination.but it will be worth i i tell ya!

[scents2]

I have got to the bottom of the issue with myself. It is the concept which surrounds the differences between making love and sex. The differences are many. This is the reason i feel cheap when asked to arouse my partner. It requires no emotional connection from him to me. The mood that could be set with words of appreciation or candles hasnt happened. He just wants spontaneous sex which is quite far from the scene although he says he does make love to me. His view of making love is having sex with the one you love. At this stage I can either let him go or have sex with him which doesnt fulfill me in everyway.

[Want2BHonest]

Originally Posted by scents2

On further thinking on this....Id say that this issue runs at about the same level as his personal hygiene issue. He hasnt showered in over a week. When asked he replied he was lazy. As he is a smoker i have found cigarette butts on some surfaces and even with an ashtry close to him he just flicks it on the carpet. I think i am starting to get repulsed hence the not feeling sexy....hmmm I will ponder this

wow...he's got the nerve to require you to maintain a certain appearance and he cannot even wash his own behind each day? blech.