Girlfriend raped...

[Grakyl]

Alright I've been with this girl for a little while and I love her with all my heart. She means everything to me. A couple weeks ago she told me her ex, who still wants to be with her and always tries talking to her, raped her and gave her an STD. When she said that she said she felt like she had to be with him but since I knew she felt a lot more comfortable. She tried telling him to leave her life but he never does.

The other day she was being very secretive and I saw she had a text from him. The next day I asked her if she talked to him and she kept saying she promised she didn't but when I told her I saw the text she admitted it. She says she really can't understand why she needs to talk to him. She says she loves me so much and loves talking to me but there's things he understands more. She also said he's been ****ing with her head for a couple years. She said she hates him for it and doesn't have feelings for him anymore but she can't stop talking to him.

Right now she's pissed at me cus I was mad she lied to me but I had no idea... She told me she still loves me and will get over it but I have no idea what to do...

EDIT - He'll say things like "You'll come back" and things that really bothers me. She says she would never and I trust her. She doesnt wanna talk about it and I try so hard not to because it kills me. I just want to help her and be here for her. She means so much to me. Also the past month or so we havent had sex much which is weird but when we did she kept telling me how much she was in love with me. We had a pregnancy scare right before that so I hope thats it.

[Foggy]

I don't know where to begin in offering advice. This situation sounds messed up in a number of ways, but I think I would be severely upset if my girlfriend told me she was raped but was still talking to the guy. Why does she not have enough respect for herself to remove this guy from her life if he has done such an atrocious thing to her? Why does she not have enough self respect for you to be honest about it? Why are you not having sex as much and why don't you have the level of communication to talk through the reasoning with her?

I don't know where to start giving you advice but these sound like questions I would want answers to if I was in your situation and if I couldn't get answers to them I would consider leaving the relationship.

[ballhit2]

Dude, RUN!

[tintin]

Originally Posted by ballhit2

Dude, RUN!

i second that

[Grakyl]

Yeah guys it's ****ed up! She says she really doesn't understand why she has to talk to him. She won't talk to me when I bring it up... she gets like pissed. I know she loves me though and I really love her and that's what kills me. I'm really just going to talk to her... I can't have her make go through this.

Like I keep thinking I have to set the line but I know she'd get pissed. All I can do is remember when she made me so happy and I know she will again if I don't say anything. I just know he's probably there ****ing with her and she's not gonna tell me. She said she feels like she has to talk to him about somethings more than me which makes me feel like complete ****.

The sex thing is something I was hoping you could give me some ideas for.

[MillenniumMike]

Get out of there. If she has stopped sleeping with you, something is probably up. However you might just need to man up in her book, she seems to be walking all over you. These are all bad signs.

[inverse Paranoid]

Right now, all you're doing is describing the situation.

First, figure out what you want. Then ask yourself why you want you want. If you don't know what you want, do you want to know what you want? Then ask yourself why you want or don't want to know that. This will help you move towards the essence of what you desire, even if the actual external circumstances seem unattainable.

If you want to feel happy in your relationship, you may not be able to wave a magic wand and make it happen overnight. But you can think about the things in your life right now that you feel happy about and appreciate those. If you want to feel loved and worthy, then think about people who love you and hold you in high esteem.

The whole idea is to reconnect yourself with your ability to feel how you want to feel. When you do that you reclaim your power over a situation that was seemingly preventing you from feeling how you wanted to feel. Then you'll feel much stronger in asking for what you want, both from yourself and your girlfriend.

[Grakyl]

Originally Posted by inverse Paranoid

Right now, all you're doing is describing the situation.

First, figure out what you want. Then ask yourself why you want you want. If you don't know what you want, do you want to know what you want? Then ask yourself why you want or don't want to know that. This will help you move towards the essence of what you desire, even if the actual external circumstances seem unattainable.

If you want to feel happy in your relationship, you may not be able to wave a magic wand and make it happen overnight. But you can think about the things in your life right now that you feel happy about and appreciate those. If you want to feel loved and worthy, then think about people who love you and hold you in high esteem.

The whole idea is to reconnect yourself with your ability to feel how you want to feel. When you do that you reclaim your power over a situation that was seemingly preventing you from feeling how you wanted to feel. Then you'll feel much stronger in asking for what you want, both from yourself and your girlfriend.

I want it to be just me and her like it was in the beginning. We were so happy it was awesome. But I cant keep feeling like this you know?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Grakyl

and gave her an STD.

Strike one. (maybe that sounds insensitive but if she has an STD and you don't it's gonna make the sex life pretty tough to deal with)

Originally Posted by Grakyl

The other day she was being very secretive

Strike two.

Originally Posted by Grakyl

and I saw she had a text from him.

How nice of him to follow up with a text after raping her.

Originally Posted by Grakyl

The next day I asked her if she talked to him and she kept saying she promised she didn't but when I told her I saw the text she admitted it.

Strike three. Do you really want to be with a liar and a sneak?

Originally Posted by Grakyl

She says she really can't understand why she needs to talk to him. She says she loves me so much and loves talking to me but there's things he understands more. She also said he's been ****ing with her head for a couple years. She said she hates him for it and doesn't have feelings for him anymore but she can't stop talking to him.

Actions, man. Don't ever listen to a word that comes out of a woman's mouth. Pay attention to what she DOES and how she RESPONDS. Actions speak much louder than any words can ever say. Forget what she says (we've already established that she's a liar), what are her actions telling you?

Originally Posted by Grakyl

Right now she's pissed at me cus I was mad she lied to me but I had no idea... She told me she still loves me and will get over it but I have no idea what to do...

So, she's mad at you for being mad at her for lying? Are you kidding me? She's walking all up and down all over you and you, like a puppy dog, are letting her.

Originally Posted by Grakyl

EDIT - He'll say things like "You'll come back" and things that really bothers me. She says she would never and I trust her. She doesnt wanna talk about it and I try so hard not to because it kills me. I just want to help her and be here for her. She means so much to me. Also the past month or so we havent had sex much which is weird but when we did she kept telling me how much she was in love with me. We had a pregnancy scare right before that so I hope thats it.

I would hope that you aren't having sex at all, considering that she has an STD (unless you have one too and it doesn't matter).

Find yourself someone who doesn't have one, someone who won't lie to you and manipulate you and someone who isn't still wanting her ex-boyfriend for sex while she uses you for her emotional needs and to be treated right.

Man up, and tell her to take a hike. There are far better women for you to love out there than this manipulative girl.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

Follow the advice here: either run fast, or man up and tell her she's going to stop ****ing around or she'll lose you.

[inverse Paranoid]

Originally Posted by Grakyl

I want it to be just me and her like it was in the beginning. We were so happy it was awesome. But I cant keep feeling like this you know?

So how do you want to feel?

No matter who else is in the picture, you can still have that deep connection. And no matter how connected you are, you'll never fully block everyone else out.

Feel deep inside of you to that place that cannot be touched by any worldly event. A place where even the most powerful of negative emotions cannot reach. No matter how ****ed up life can seem there's always that center most point of stillness that remains unshaken by life's drama.

Feel that point in yourself. See that point in her. Focus on what you love about each other.

External situations can make that love harder to see. But you don't need to see love for it to exist. You only need to feel it so that you know it exists. And to feel it you have to put your attention back on it.

Experiencing contrast is enough to bring clarity to your desire. You don't need to analyze it until you reach a point of closure. You just need to give yourself the closure of letting go of the need to fix things, and to step into the joy of seeing things as you desire them to be.

[Grakyl]

I am just going to talk to her regardless if she gets pissed... like he raped her a couple years ago and still talks to him... she usually would tell me if he texted her or something but I feel like it's getting worse and they're actually talking. She says she's done with him now but she's said that before.

But yeah she got pissed when I called her out... she said I was being over protective.

Other than that she is always so happy to see me and kisses me a lot so this is seriously the most confusing thing I've EVER dealt with.

EDIT - Inverse that was deep! I just want to feel happy but happy with her. I really love her and I can tell she loves me... I really can. But I pretty much told her we can't be together if she keeps hiding stuff.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Grakyl

like he raped her a couple years ago and still talks to him...

Think about that for a minute. I mean, really think about it logically.

Do you have any idea the emotions that a woman faces after being raped? I can tell you right now that a woman who has been raped, truly raped, will never ever want to see her attacker ever again because the mere sight of him would make her sick to her core. Let alone talking to him.

She is lying to you about it. And she's really hurting the cause for women who really have been raped. It's people like her who water the idea of rape down in our society to where it's not taken as seriously as it should be.

[inverse Paranoid]

Originally Posted by Grakyl

I just want to feel happy but happy with her. I really love her and I can tell she loves me... I really can. But I pretty much told her we can't be together if she keeps hiding stuff.

Good. Who cares if she has an STD? Who cares if she was raped? Who cares if she's having trouble cutting ties with her ex-boyfriend? None of that makes her any less lovable.

As long as you're willing to love yourself enough to love her through your overflow, the external circumstances are negligible. And those circumstances will inevitably begin to reflect the beauty you hold inside for each other so long as you stay focused on what's lovable.

[brendannz]

I say she must be clear with you why she wants to speak to him when he was raped. You get this out of her before you go any further with her

[inverse Paranoid]

Originally Posted by James81

Do you have any idea the emotions that a woman faces after being raped? I can tell you right now that a woman who has been raped, truly raped, will never ever want to see her attacker ever again because the mere sight of him would make her sick to her core. Let alone talking to him.

She is lying to you about it. And she's really hurting the cause for women who really have been raped. It's people like her who water the idea of rape down in our society to where it's not taken as seriously as it should be.

No two people's experience of any one thing is the same. Even if you were a woman who'd survived multiple rapes and were speaking from experience, it'd still only be speculation on your part as to how his girlfriend might feel or react.

[Grakyl]

Originally Posted by brendannz

I say she must be clear with you why she wants to speak to him when he was raped. You get this out of her before you go any further with her

She says she doesn't know... she doesn't understand why and it kills her. She doesn't want to, she feels she has too. She says she's tried to figure it out but he's ****ed with her since for all this time it really got to her.

[Grakyl]

Originally Posted by James81

Think about that for a minute. I mean, really think about it logically.

Do you have any idea the emotions that a woman faces after being raped? I can tell you right now that a woman who has been raped, truly raped, will never ever want to see her attacker ever again because the mere sight of him would make her sick to her core. Let alone talking to him.

She is lying to you about it. And she's really hurting the cause for women who really have been raped. It's people like her who water the idea of rape down in our society to where it's not taken as seriously as it should be.

Dude she's ****ed up about it... only a couple know and she's been to counseling but none of it works. She says she hates him for it but can't understand this.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Grakyl

Dude she's ****ed up about it... only a couple know and she's been to counseling but none of it works. She says she hates him for it but can't understand this.

And I'm telling you straight up that it wasn't rape. I don't care how "****ed" up about it she is.

I have never, ever seen an experience of a rape victim who actually wants to be with the person who raped them. Never. Ever.

[James81]

But that (the rape) is just a drop in the bucket. Doesn't matter whether it was true or not. The important thing is that she was lying to you and she won't cut ties with her exboyfriend.

Everything else is just immaterial beyond that. When you begin to respect yourself, love yourself, etc. you'll discover that you won't want to be with someone who intentionally hurts you like that.

So, in a way, inverse-paranoid's advice is good for you. But not for the reasons you think. It won't teach you how to love her with all these faults. What loving yourself will do is show you that you deserve better.

[inverse Paranoid]

Originally Posted by James81

And I'm telling you straight up that it wasn't rape. I don't care how "****ed" up about it she is.

I have never, ever seen an experience of a rape victim who actually wants to be with the person who raped them. Never. Ever.

Erin was raped by her boyfriend and then stayed with him for three and a half years. Are you saying because she stayed with him for so long afterward that her rape experience doesn't count?

[James81]

Originally Posted by inverse Paranoid

Erin was raped by her boyfriend and then stayed with him for three and a half years. Are you saying because she stayed with him for so long afterward that her rape experience doesn't count?

I'm not going any further with that, because it's derailing the thread anyway.

[inverse Paranoid]

Originally Posted by James81

So, in a way, inverse-paranoid's advice is good for you. But not for the reasons you think. It won't teach you how to love her with all these faults. What loving yourself will do is show you that you deserve better.

It's true. One of the possibilities is that he may want different things if he starts loving himself more. But the other possibility is that she'll see that he really loves himself and that he really loves her.

When you think there's something really wrong with you and yet somebody loves you, you might think there's something wrong with them for loving you despite your flaws. But when you see that that someone is loving you from a place of wholeness and acceptance, a place of strength and honesty, that you have to ask yourself if they might be seeing something you're not.

You can't force her to love herself, but you can hold the space for that self-love to emerge.

Grakyl: if you're giving yourself plenty of love, you'll fall out of love with her if it's time to move on. As long as you know you're staying with her from the abundance mentality of how awesome she is, and not from the scarcity mentality of not wanting to lose her, then it's the right decision no matter what others may say or think.

Originally Posted by James81

I'm not going any further with that, because it's derailing the thread anyway.

Good idea.

[JoeRad]

I can conceptualize why she is sticking with him...he is powerful. He is literally a leech of her power and will. The latest thing, the physical rape, was simply a manifestation of where she had been with him for siome time, and why she still has a hard time letting go, or even being TRULLY outraged over it...rape, mental and phsycail, has become normnal to her.

Help her onl in as much as you don't lose your sanity or saftey. As much as it pains us, we can only do so much ebfroe we get our will drained by the situation. Think first of yourself in this matter...usally thinking of otherts is best, but right now, you need to stay grounded, for your and HER sake.

[Grakyl]

Originally Posted by inverse Paranoid

It's true. One of the possibilities is that he may want different things if he starts loving himself more. But the other possibility is that she'll see that he really loves himself and that he really loves her.

When you think there's something really wrong with you and yet somebody loves you, you might think there's something wrong with them for loving you despite your flaws. But when you see that that someone is loving you from a place of wholeness and acceptance, a place of strength and honesty, that you have to ask yourself if they might be seeing something you're not.

You can't force her to love herself, but you can hold the space for that self-love to emerge.

Grakyl: if you're giving yourself plenty of love, you'll fall out of love with her if it's time to move on. As long as you know you're staying with her from the abundance mentality of how awesome she is, and not from the scarcity mentality of not wanting to lose her, then it's the right decision no matter what others may say or think.

It's like I think about all this **** she's putting me through and I'm like alright I'm done. But then I remember even just the last time we hung out she was kissing me and telling me how happy I make her. She always wants to be with me too.

I think I'm digging into the situation to much and making her uncomfortable so I'm gonna let it go for now. I really think we can get through this.

EDIT - how do I know if I love myself? How can I show her I love her? I want to stay with her because of how happy she made me but I obviously would be upset if I lost her... like I've always been a pretty happy person but I always felt like something was missing till I was with her. Then she goes and lays all this on me

[James81]

Originally Posted by Grakyl

It's like I think about all this **** she's putting me through and I'm like alright I'm done. But then I remember even just the last time we hung out she was kissing me and telling me how happy I make her. She always wants to be with me too.

It's a pretty classic case of push/pull happening with you. She pushes you away (which psychologically attracts you to her) and as soon as she pushes you far enough, she realizes that she is going to lose you if she doesn't do something, so she pulls you back by appealing to your intense emotional side.

And a part of her recognizes that she can get away with it because you let her get away with it. She'll continue to push you and walk all over you until you set a boundary. She is, essentially, testing your limits. The more you allow her to get away with, the more she'll do to you.

Originally Posted by Grakyl

I think I'm digging into the situation to much and making her uncomfortable so I'm gonna let it go for now. I really think we can get through this.

Fair enough. You haven't faced enough pain yet, so you'll need to go back for some more. Eventually, though, in time you will face enough pain to drive you to do what you need to do. Not sure what your limit is, but it'll eventually get here.

Thing is, you think that by letting it go and being there for her will keep the relationship together, but it won't. It'll just reinforce to her that you have no self-respect and that she can continue to push you away and walk all over you and the next time it will be something a little worse than what you are facing now.

It's a giant cycle that I've seen countless guys go through (your situation is by no means unique), and it has always resulted in a few months (or years) down the road the guy getting extremely hurt and walking away and realizing the advice we give (to walk away) was right. Some people, however, need to learn the hard way I guess.

What you need to understand is that the way to keep her is by setting the boundary. By calling her out on her lies and respecting yourself. She WANTS you to stand up to her (why do you think she goes back to her jerk ex-boyfriend???).

[James81]

Originally Posted by Grakyl

EDIT - how do I know if I love myself? How can I show her I love her? I want to stay with her because of how happy she made me but I obviously would be upset if I lost her... like I've always been a pretty happy person but I always felt like something was missing till I was with her. Then she goes and lays all this on me

You know you love yourself when you can look at situations like this and realize that they are damaging to you. You know you love yourself when you recognize where clear boundaries need to be set. You know you love yourself when you realize that sometimes the best thing for you is facing the inevitable pain instead of avoiding it or thinking you can control/fix it.

You can show her you love her by showing her that you love yourself. (And I'm not kidding either)

[Grakyl]

She was saying i made her so happy and kept kissing me the day she kept hiding her texts. This situation sucks... I feel like once he is out of the picture everything will be so much better. Right? But I also feel like he's not gonna leave.

I did call her out... I let her know it bothered me. The morning I was asking if she talked to him before I even told her I knew she was telling me to drop it. I haven't dropped it at all and even after she said she's sorry and she wont talk to him I keep letting her know she cant lie or hide stuff or I will leave.

Should I try saying something to him?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Grakyl

Should I try saying something to him?

No. I've seen others try that approach and it never ends well.

This is between you and her. The only way to "fix" this problem is to show her that you will not be there for her when she continues to lie to you.

I know it sucks to lose someone you are emotionally attached to, but the pain of leaving is far easier to handle than the pain of constantly being lied to.

Deep down, you have to realize this. In fact, I think you do or this thread wouldn't be here. This thread is like a subconscious attept to find a solution beyond the one that you know, deep down, is the truth: that you need to walk away (and stay away) and find someone else who treats you right and respects you.

[Plato]

I'm not trying to provoke you here, dude.

All I have to say is that nothing will improve your situation until you take full responsibility for everything that has happened. It's not about blaming yourself. It's about realising that you created this situation, and that's a good thing because now you get to learn from it.

To help you take responsibility I recommend reading some books on dog training and dog psychology. Now I'm not suggesting that people are necessarily like dogs. It will help you by making you aware of how your actions cause people around you to behave the way they do.

You are cause, not effect.