Girlfriend raped...

[Grakyl]

Originally Posted by Plato

your actions cause people around you to behave the way they do.

You are cause, not effect.

How did I cause her to act like this?

[Plato]

Originally Posted by Grakyl

How did I cause her to act like this?

You'll know when you take responsibility for it.

The place I'd start is to question why she doesn't trust you.

[Erin Pavlina]

She loves you, AND she still wants to talk to this guy. Those are the facts as you've presented them. The question put to you is do you want to be in relationship with a woman you love who is also still in a relationship with her rapist? If the answer is yes, stop bugging her about it and let her talk to the guy all she wants. If the answer is no, tell her you are uncomfortable with teh situation, tell her what would need to happen for you to be comfortable with the situation, then leave until she makes her decision.

And yes, you can still be in a relationship with someone who raped you. With stranger rape, that is not the case. With date rape or relationship rape, you can. It's not healthy in my opinion, but it's more common than people realize.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by James81

Think about that for a minute. I mean, really think about it logically.

Do you have any idea the emotions that a woman faces after being raped? I can tell you right now that a woman who has been raped, truly raped, will never ever want to see her attacker ever again because the mere sight of him would make her sick to her core. Let alone talking to him.

She is lying to you about it. And she's really hurting the cause for women who really have been raped. It's people like her who water the idea of rape down in our society to where it's not taken as seriously as it should be.

Um, excuse me, how are you able to speak for every woman everywhere?!

This is her ex-boyfriend. I don't know if you have any concept of how domestic abuse works but it is exactly because of the difficulty of simultaneously trying to hold the thoughts "This is the man who I love and who loves me" and "This is the man who raped me" that women (and men) stay with their abusers/forgive them/give them multiple chances/have self-esteem issues.

I'm not saying this girl is behaving in a healthy way now but there are obviously issues of control in play and what really hurts the cause for women who have been raped is BLAMING THE VICTIM. Putting conditions on how a person 'should' behave in response to rape (should have left them / should have gone straight to police / shouldn't ever speak to them / shouldn't have been so drunk / etc) and saying they must be lying if they didn't respond in a specific way is what minimises rape and makes victims scared to come forward.

[funchy]

The problem here isn't the alleged rape. The problem is a woman who either fabricates huge stories or who truly likes to be abused. Either way, she is not going to be good for you. I don't care if she "loves" you or "feels safe", she's a trainwreck about to happen. Don't let her pull you into her drama. It probably sounds insensitive, but I cant think of a nicer way to phrase it at the moment.

She needs counseling. IMO she needs to fix her own life before she's able to have a normal relationship with anyone. In the meantime, I honestly don't think she's good girlfriend material. You aren't going to agree with me, but I have doubts about her ability to truly love you. She cannot love herself at the moment; how can she be able to love anyone else. She is *dependent* on you emotionally, but that is not the same as love.

The thing I am more concerned about is you. You sound like a really nice person who wants desperately for things to change. But you need to set boundaries. I feel like you deserve better than someone who is sneaking around behind your back with an ex. When you ask her, she flies into a rage, and you withdraw. Maybe you kind of blame yourself for her reaction. "All I can do is remember when she made me so happy and I know she will again if I don't say anything." You have a right to share concerns. If you can't talk to her about things, what good is the relationship?

There are so many good people out there in the world. You know, the whole saying about so many fish in the sea. If it were me, I'd nicely give her the names of a few counselors and I'd explain we'd be better off as friends until she can work through her things. (And then quietly... run away!)

[tintin]

ah! the Stockholm syndrome????

yes yes very well could be

she needs therapy to sort out this negative hold this guy has got on her

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by funchy

The problem is a woman who either fabricates huge stories or who truly likes to be abused.

False dichotomy.

[inverse Paranoid]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

tell her what would need to happen for you to be comfortable with the situation, then leave until she makes her decision.

IMO, this is putting the ball a little too much in her court. The minute you put your requirements for comfort or happiness in someone else's hands you take the ability to make yourself comfortable or happy out of yours.

I'd recommend making peace with the situation as much as possible, so that when you leave the decision up to her via ultimatum you're almost indifferent about which option she chooses. Try saying the words "I am at peace with where I am." Just saying it can usually lead to feeling a whole lot better. While it may seem nearly impossible to feel indifferent about it, the closer you can feel to indifferent, the closer you are to feeling truly at peace.

Think about it. When you go on a long vacation to someplace you've never been before without packing any food or water do you ever worry that there might not be any food or drink when you get there? Do you leave the house fearing you'll starve to death or dehydrate? Probably not.

The idea is to simply allow the abundance mentality you have around food and water to spread into your love life. Then breaking up with someone won't be such a big deal. It'll just be like your favorite restaurant is getting closed down. You may not be able to eat their still, but you'll still have all those wonderful memories.

That may sound a little cold, but that's only because we've dramatized love to be something that isn't real unless you're willing to fight and to die for it. You have to go all out for love, and die a little when you lose it, otherwise, how would you know it was even real?

Some people have grown so numb that they must pay for love with pain just to feel it. Then somehow, your love doesn't become as valid if you're not willing to do the same.

Love/hate relationships develop when you invest too much of yourself in the other. You give them the power to make you unbelievably happy or heartbrokenly sad. Then they become such a potent variable in your life that you have to control them for the sake of your own mental health. That's why attachment forms.

If you can withdraw your investment of "self" from her then it doesn't matter what she chooses to do on the outside. You'll still be whole and complete. That's love from an abundance mentality.

Otherwise, the minute she does something to piss you off, it's the same as if you just pissed yourself off. And if you're not feeling love her at any given moment, then you're not feeling love for yourself.

It may simply be the case that you've locked a part of you that loves her inside of her, so that when either of you does something to distance yourselves from one another, you're not able to fully love her and the distance continues to grow. Until she starts looking for that something that was lost between you in places where she'd found it before--like with an ex-boyfriend, for instance.

It's like you locked the combination to the safe inside the safe itself. You don't have to reopen the safe to get the combination. All you have to do is remember!

Remember all the great things about her. Remember why you love her in the first place. Remember how worthy you are for her love. And watch her open herself back up again.

[Diandra25]

Hi

to me,as a woman,all this story sounds very strange...made my alarm bells ring....

I cannot speak for all the women,but i dont imagine that someone who was rapped,would like to be in contact with the reaper - unless it has an unusual liking of abuse.

And if this is true...then you would do great to run - cause one way or another,she can start to abuse you emotionaly and phsichologically. Most of the times,these persons find someone who ~they feel they can manipulate and at the same time,feeling great by controlling that person.Gives them the power which actually pleases them.

she sounds one of those kind - she kisses you tells you she is sooo happy with you,but still lies to you,is secretive and doenst want to be intimate with you....but One who Loves and is happy with the other,naturally has an healthy desire of intimacy.... i think....

On the other hand ( and this is what i find mostly probable) is that she lied about the rape - and can be using that to provoque you the need to be with her,protect her and care for her,and at the same time,making you dependable on her emotional state.

I believe that in this actual moment,you feel perfectly happy on doing whatever she wants,says and think...arent you?

she managed to make you feel guilty by asking her why all the lies....but frankly ask yourself: does that make any sense to you?

A LOVE relationship is based on trust,care,respect and truth - and seems to me that your relationship is not having nothing of that..

Honestly,ask yourself if she is the woman you imagine to be your "ideal" one...with all her virtues and defaults...if the answer is yes,then go ahead...but if it is not...then you already answered all your doubts.

[Holistic Star]

A friend of mine was raped by her ex (they had split up but were still living in the same house). Three months later he proposed to her and she accepted! It turns out she got as far as going to the registry office for a secret wedding before she saw sense.

So I do agree that women don't always act rationally after being raped, especially if there is an ongoing manipulative relationship and the woman's self esteem and self belief is rock bottom.

However, in this case, something just doesn't feel right. She quite clearly is not over either her ex or the rape itself and for that reason she isn't able to be fully present in the relationship with you.

She needs space to sort herself out and come to terms with what has happened to her. (whatever that is).

I agree with the others who say you need to think about what you want from a relationship. You can't 'go back' to the way it was. That's not going to happen. You have to accept the relationship as it is now. Is this what you want as it is right now?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Um, excuse me, how are you able to speak for every woman everywhere?!

This is her ex-boyfriend. I don't know if you have any concept of how domestic abuse works but it is exactly because of the difficulty of simultaneously trying to hold the thoughts "This is the man who I love and who loves me" and "This is the man who raped me" that women (and men) stay with their abusers/forgive them/give them multiple chances/have self-esteem issues.

I'm not saying this girl is behaving in a healthy way now but there are obviously issues of control in play and what really hurts the cause for women who have been raped is BLAMING THE VICTIM. Putting conditions on how a person 'should' behave in response to rape (should have left them / should have gone straight to police / shouldn't ever speak to them / shouldn't have been so drunk / etc) and saying they must be lying if they didn't respond in a specific way is what minimises rape and makes victims scared to come forward.

Meh, like I said, I'm not going to derail the thread further with responses to the rape discussion.

As I said, it's obvious that WHATEVER THE SITUATION, this girl is walking all up and down the threadstarter and he deserves better than this woman.

[ballhit2]

From the smell of this thread, you are a person who has issues with being perceived as a weak man; therefore you attracted someone indirectly into your life who took masculine strength to an over-extreme level. Why did you let rapist energy into your life?

Have you looked into either radical feminism or cuckold fetishism? Both would serve you.

[tintin]

Why is everybody ignoring the stockholm syndrome???

in all probability that is what your girl is going through.
read up about it.she seems to be as helpless as you are.she dont know how to deal with her own conflicting feelings and thoughts.

if she is still in contact with this guy on some level she might be feeling she 'deserved' it in some way.(low SE)
same way that physically abused wives find it difficult to leave their husbands.
now youd ask..why would a woman ask to be abused?
well..they do. its like a pattern .if youve read the celestine prophecy.the victim status is also a power struggle for energy.

hmm anyway she seems stuck in this . you seem to be a prop. if she ,with all her heart wants to shift from this negativity then only a healthy relationship tween the both of you is possible.else all you'll be doing is 'managing' her when she is emotionally in need of some support.
theres something that gets fulfilled in her when she talks to the other guy.
dontkno what it is but it certainly is not good.