i'm really tripped up about her and what she's doing/said!

[liquid5170]

my g/f of 7 months and i just broke up after we got back from hawaii... it has since been 2 weeks...
she's already "talking" to someone else now and decided we can't be together right now due to lots of fighting and a lot more stress from her loss of job and possible troubles with the law, etc... she's getting kicked out of her house for sub leasing, she lost her job, she's in trouble with the law, and she's broke.

a few things she said to me during the last two weeks has been really tough on me. she's the typical good girl with LSE. 24 yrs old. she has abandonment issues yet i am the only one her dad & siblings have liked/loved out of any of her previous relationships. she's confessed her love for me, told me how much it hurts her that she misses me, loves me so much deep down inside, can definitely see us being back together as i am and have been the best relationship she's ever had and the best qualities in all the guys she's ever dated, and the one thing that's been tripping me up lately is she came over a few days ago to drop off some stuff she had of mine. before leaving, she started crying and said she knows that she hurt me but just to please not shut her out of my life completely...

this guy she's seeing now is a 23 yr old douchebag correctional officer...boring, insecure, douche, typical kid... none of his ex g/f's have anything high to speak of and his friends dont really like him either.



anyways, the question here is what should i expect from her in the next few days, weeks, months to come... and what she is really trying to say to me?

what is she doing?

it almost feels like self sabotage.... everyone says they wont last and see's her coming back. is that what i should anticipate?

how should i best play this out? let me be more clear, i really do want her in my life and be with her... (i know most of you are shaking your heads no already, but please humor me)

[SimonaRich]

I think she asked you not to cross her out of your life completely because she want's to have some security just in case it does not work out with her current boyfriend.

[funchy]

I really hate to tell you this, but sounds like she'll keeping you in a holding pattern in case new boyfriend doesn't work out.

If she is in a relationship with someone else, she does not deserve you to wait for her or be available for her. Her "abandonment" problems are not an excuse to use you.

It sounds like you're a really nice person, and I hope you find someone who is more appreciative.

[Foggy]

I was in a similar situation and I shut the girl out of my life completely. Her new relationship was short lived and after a long healing process we've gotten back together and are trying to make things work again. I still have quite a few unresolved emotions about the time period and I sometimes wonder if I should have taken her back, but we're actually doing quite well now with only a couple snags, one of them being the unresolved problems from that.

Here's the thing. If you let her stay in your life, even if you want her back, you're meeting all her needs and none of your own. Be a little selfish. I'm actually not sure if I ever would've gotten back with my ex if I hadn't completely shut her out of my life. I provided her something that her new relationship couldn't because the new guy, like your gf's new guy, didn't necessarily have the best qualities for a boyfriend. When I shut her out and remained cold to her she realized that the only way she could have her needs met was by breaking up with the new guy and coming back to me. If I had continued being there for her I'm not sure she ever would've had to make that choice and probably would have stayed with the new guy as long as she could while stringing me along. The fact that she tried to manipulate me like this is one of the greatest hang ups for me in our relationship, and I recommend that you do some soul searching to decide if you even want to be back in a relationship with someone who would do that to you. If the option is available to you I would not only remove all contact with her but look into dating other people (not necessarily seriously, just casual dates, anything to keep your options open) and put a lot of thought into whether or not she's actually someone you would want to take back if you had the opportunity. At the same time this will increase her chances of coming back if that's still what you want.

[liquid5170]

i've read a few forums where they say that the best way for any decent chance for the girl to realize what she had was to shut her out and have no contact until they start chasing you.

the conflict i have with that is that she's NEVER actually chased any guy after she's broken up with them. ... well that and she's also cried to me telling me she's never had a boyfriend has great as me even though we fight a lot.

i really do want her back and since she does have abandonment issues, the last thing i want to do is "abandon" her... cause she'll just think it's normal in her life that all things she loves will leave.

[Foggy]

Originally Posted by liquid5170

i've read a few forums where they say that the best way for any decent chance for the girl to realize what she had was to shut her out and have no contact until they start chasing you.

the conflict i have with that is that she's NEVER actually chased any guy after she's broken up with them. ... well that and she's also cried to me telling me she's never had a boyfriend has great as me even though we fight a lot.

i really do want her back and since she does have abandonment issues, the last thing i want to do is "abandon" her... cause she'll just think it's normal in her life that all things she loves will leave.

Where's your self respect? She's taking full advantage of the fact that you're willing to provide continued emotional support to her while she develops an intimate relationship with another man (even though she knows you want more and is probably enjoying the attention you're giving her as a result). And you're more worried about the best way to get her back than keeping her from walking all over you. People aren't telling you to shut her out of your life just because it will be the most likely way for you to get her back (which it will). People are telling you that because they want you to stand up for yourself and not let her take advantage of you. She abandoned you. There's no reason why you should come whimpering back to her if she has chosen to leave you for someone else unless you want to give her a huge self-esteem boost, remove your dignity, and set yourself up to just friends with her for the rest of your life.

[liquid5170]

tough love... but i do appreciate it sincecerly!!!

[James81]

Originally Posted by liquid5170

anyways, the question here is what should i expect from her in the next few days, weeks, months to come... and what she is really trying to say to me?

Here is what she is trying to say to you:

"Liquid5170, I know you are the perfect kind of guy for me and my family loves you, but I'm just not as into you as I know I should be. So, what I am going to do is go out and date a few jerks for a while just to see what I am missing, and then when I realized what I had with you I'll come crawling back to you and apologize."

She, in other words, is filling your head with garbage (that she loves you so much and all that) to keep you on the hook. Think about it, if she loved you so much, then why is she breaking up with you? I know that sounds harsh, but listen to her actions man. Her actions speak much louder than anything that comes out of her mouth.

Originally Posted by liquid5170

what is she doing?

Keeping you on the string while she experiments a little/searches for someone better than she might think is out there.

Originally Posted by liquid5170

it almost feels like self sabotage.... everyone says they wont last and see's her coming back. is that what i should anticipate?

You can drive yourself crazy with that. Yeah, she might come crawling back. She might not. Thing is, you are broken up and need to focus on getting over her instead of wondering if she'll ever come back.

Originally Posted by liquid5170

how should i best play this out? let me be more clear, i really do want her in my life and be with her... (i know most of you are shaking your heads no already, but please humor me)

You need to resolve that this is COMPLETELY over and there is nothing you can do about. Then you need to ACCEPT that it's over.

And then, you need to go out and date like 5 other girls so that you realize that the girl you lost probably isn't that special. You've just put her up on a pedastal in your mind.

[UnleashReality]

to be able to get one girl you need to be able to get ALL girls.

check out Real Social Dynamics Nation in that regard.

good luck
alex

[James81]

Originally Posted by UnleashReality

to be able to get one girl you need to be able to get ALL girls.

Good luck with that.

[UnleashReality]

not all girls alive, just have better freedom with women which will only come when you stop being needy and worrying about them instead of living in your own reality.

[Bas]

Dude, did you read what you wrote??

Is THIS the girl you really want to be with? Won't she bring you down with her? It sounds like issues man, think twice before venturing down that road.


And now... stop worrying about what to expect from HER.

What do you expect from yourself?
What kind of guy are you?
What kind of person would you like to be ideally?
How would this person handle this situation?

If she wants to mess around with her life situation, then that's her choice. Don't get dragged into it. Continue your life. Don't worry too much about her, I know it's hard, but this is the way it will have to be. Everything comes to an end some day - and every moment is a new beginning.

Seize the moment. Live your life now.

I definitely agree with the previous analyses:

"I really hate to tell you this, but sounds like she'll keeping you in a holding pattern in case new boyfriend doesn't work out."

Finally, be careful that she doesn't plant herself in your energy. When some people feel insecure, they try to create some drama, tension or suspension so that other people think about them. Basically she makes sure a little of her is planted in your energy, so you're always spending energy on her.

Don't accept that.

[ballhit2]

Originally Posted by UnleashReality

to be able to get one girl you need to be able to get ALL girls.

Even ZOMBIE girls!


But dude, seriously, when doors close others open; although sometimes with a swinging motion, hitting you in the arse.

Porn can be helpful in deprogramming & reprogramming your sexual responses which are probably still tuned to your ex. Travelling to a place like Amsterdam or Vancouver BC can assist in exploring other ways to see the world around you. And going to shows and watching live music can put you back in touch with feelings of rebellion and freedom.

How could that be reduced into three simple terms...

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by liquid5170

this guy she's seeing now is a 23 yr old douchebag correctional officer...boring, insecure, douche, typical kid... none of his ex g/f's have anything high to speak of and his friends dont really like him either.

Be careful not to mix personal feelings of jealousy (if you have any) with your perception of this person. I'm not saying that you should distrust your own judgment. Just be aware of how personal feelings and goals shape the way we think about others. But if you say he's a douchebag, he's a douchebag.

As for your general situation, it's really hard to give specific instructions when we know so few details and so little about your personality, or about your strengths or weaknesses.

Just be patient and cool about it. No hurries, no worries. Do some introspection (go for a long walk), figure out what you want, and then intend for it to happen (whether it's asking her out, letting go of her, or whatever). Do whatever you think is in your own long term interest.

[ShiningLight]

Originally Posted by liquid5170

she's already "talking" to someone else now and decided we can't be together right now due to lots of fighting and a lot more stress from her loss of job and possible troubles with the law, etc... she's getting kicked out of her house for sub leasing, she lost her job, she's in trouble with the law, and she's broke.

She sounds like quite a catch, man.

Seriously though, best advice I can give you is to remember that our reality reflects our inner reality.

As tough as it may seem atm, don't worry about her and instead use this opportunity to reflect on the person that really matters - yourself. Make the decision to come out of this a better man, a stronger man, a more powerful man. When you look back on this in your later years, you will thank her for the wonderful gift she has given you.