Self vs Others

[straysweeper]

Right now I'm a little bitter about my current situation. My life is stuck right now between babysitting either my mom or her friend. My mom doesn't want me staying with her, but upon feeling like she might need to go to the ER again, she calls me to come watch her. The lady I'm staying with, also needs a lot of attention due to disability (Mary). Both irritate me by not really doing anything beyond getting by with their situation, and yet I feel somewhat trapped.

Yet that isn't the truth. Mary is a nice lady, and very giving whom does have a lot of health issues. She is in almost constant pain. Yet she almost refuses to change her lifestyle or to learn the things she needs to live healthier. While I would love to help her, as her kindness and lack of assertiveness has been taken advantage of in the past.

Back to myself is where the real problem lies, I want to do something with myself but I'm not sure how or where. I've recently bought some books off Steve's recommended list, including Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, and Is your Genius at Work. I haven't really gotten into as yet, but have plans to do so shortly.

I'm upset because I know I have the abillity to do better, and I also want to help make things easier on those I care about, but I can't do it like this. And I feel I keep running into their limitations as my own. So, I've been torn about moving back to Las Vegas, once more. Though, I'm afraid if I do, about getting a call something happened with my mom.

[Andy4]

Hi Straysweeper,

Hope you are well, You are obviously needed by your mom and Mary but you must, although it may sound selfish , put your own life first. By doing that you will automatically become better equipped to deal with their problems.

It's never easy to change people's lifestyles, particularly if they are elderly, just being there for them is enough.

About you, you mention books, I find cd's better, less of a hassle. Jim Rohn is good and funny. Feel the fear, as steve recommends is also available on cd.

Finally, and this is only my oppinion, If I really wanted to move to Vegas then I would do it, it's your life, no-one elses, dont end up with a load of regrets.

Take care.

Andy.

[RT Wolf]

Originally Posted by straysweeper

Yet that isn't the truth. Mary is a nice lady, and very giving whom does have a lot of health issues. She is in almost constant pain. Yet she almost refuses to change her lifestyle or to learn the things she needs to live healthier. While I would love to help her, as her kindness and lack of assertiveness has been taken advantage of in the past.

Do you know the story of Hansel and Gretel? Beware of the kindness of strangers. It may not be her that's being taken advantage of.

Though, I'm afraid if I do, about getting a call something happened with my mom.

And then what? How woudl you feel? Guilty?

The way you've painted these two people is that they are helpless and can't handle things without your constant supervision. Do you feel guilty at the thought of leaving?

[straysweeper]

Hey guys, thanks for your replies.

Andy, you are circling around thoughts I've been having. I have to do something for myself at some point, but I seem to be lacking clarity, direction and means. Which is probably wants really bothering me.

I have listened to CDs, but I enjoy holding a book in my hands. Plus, I'm very visual as well as auditory.

These people have so many problems, they need help and they ask me for things, and yet I don't have something really better to do to tell them no. So, I do feel obligated.

Wolf, your post really makes me look at things from a different angle. Not quite the angle you are referring to, but still different none the less. The unconscious methods people try to get their needs, and such. It does fit in some ways. But I'd probably be somewhat no different in this manor.

Its not so much as it seems that they are helpless, but that is how they make me feel. Mary will go without eating vs dealing with pain to get up and walk into the kitchen. While my mom feels trapped in her situation via other means. In a sense it goes to more or less tolerating or accepting there situations as finite and never going to change.

I just had somewhat of an argument with my mom whom started having problems 8 years ago, but never really did much to 1) learn about her condition, and 2) take steps to prevent it. Always claiming needing help and such.

In the end its painful to see people you care about unwilling to change the way they do things so they don't have to go through pain. Yet, what I find most irritating in them, lies within me. I just am lacking in identifying and dealing with things in an effective and progressive manor.

[RT Wolf]

Originally Posted by straysweeper

These people have so many problems, they need help and they ask me for things, and yet I don't have something really better to do to tell them no. So, I do feel obligated.

Why?

Wolf, your post really makes me look at things from a different angle. Not quite the angle you are referring to, but still different none the less. The unconscious methods people try to get their needs, and such. It does fit in some ways. But I'd probably be somewhat no different in this manor.

I don't quite understand the last bit about not being different in this manner? What sort of unconscious needs are you referring to? If they're not private, feel free to answer those questions.

Its not so much as it seems that they are helpless, but that is how they make me feel. Mary will go without eating vs dealing with pain to get up and walk into the kitchen. While my mom feels trapped in her situation via other means. In a sense it goes to more or less tolerating or accepting there situations as finite and never going to change.

Or they have not had sufficient incentive to change yet, cause you've always been there to pick up the pieces. People sometimes need to hit rock bottom before they learn and understand the hidden strength within them. Want me to pull out people with all sorts of disabilities who are doing great and their spirit makes me cry? How about treatment methods for chronic pain patients?

The people you've mentioned are no different, they just haven't discovered that inner strength.

I just had somewhat of an argument with my mom whom started having problems 8 years ago, but never really did much to 1) learn about her condition, and 2) take steps to prevent it. Always claiming needing help and such.

In the end its painful to see people you care about unwilling to change the way they do things so they don't have to go through pain. Yet, what I find most irritating in them, lies within me. I just am lacking in identifying and dealing with things in an effective and progressive manor.

What do you feel is your responsibility in this situation?

And yes, yes it is very painful.

It takes two to tango, and it'd be best if you clarified your role in this tango. Obviously you care, but do you think you'd feel like a bad person if you didn't help them out? How do you feel about boundaries? Have you set any?

[straysweeper]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

Why?

If I'm not using my time well, then I might as well be doing something for someone else, than wasting it? At least that is how my mind works, but in reality, I have been told in someway shape or form that I should act certain ways. As for Mary, I am staying with her, while not drawing an income. So its kind of a trade.

I don't quite understand the last bit about not being different in this manner? What sort of unconscious needs are you referring to? If they're not private, feel free to answer those questions.

They want love and connection, so by perhaps taking advantage of my nature, or my situation they are getting this need filled. At least this is thought that came to mind, as Mary lost her son a few years ago to cancer.

Or they have not had sufficient incentive to change yet, cause you've always been there to pick up the pieces. People sometimes need to hit rock bottom before they learn and understand the hidden strength within them. Want me to pull out people with all sorts of disabilities who are doing great and their spirit makes me cry? How about treatment methods for chronic pain patients?

The people you've mentioned are no different, they just haven't discovered that inner strength.

I see truth in this, as I was away for a few years, my mom wasn't really part of my life save for the occasional phone call. And mostly when I'd call it was still the same. Complaining, Aches and Pains. In a sense this is why I think about going someplace different.

What do you feel is your responsibility in this situation?

I know my responsibility is to become stronger. Because I see their problems, I should learn from their mistakes. My mom's lack of health, happiness, financies, and overall meaning in her life outside her problems. Even though it pains me to say it, I was happier when I wasn't around it all the time. Perhaps that makes me selfish. At least that is how they sometimes make me feel for not calling.

At the end of the day, I have nothing really in common with my mom, mary, or my sister (another story) as far as I've been able to deduce. For the most part they have no interest, or just simply passive interest to hear me talk about it.

I want to say, they all want me to succeed but when actions are required, they want to do what they think versus what I think I need help with. My brother is notorious of this. After thinking this, I looked at it and also saw that I want to succeed but fail when comes to the actions needed.

And yes, yes it is very painful.

Mhm.

It takes two to tango, and it'd be best if you clarified your role in this tango. Obviously you care, but do you think you'd feel like a bad person if you didn't help them out? How do you feel about boundaries? Have you set any?

I haven't set boundaries, but my means of establishing or enforcing those boundaries are a bit precarious. So, my focus needs to be on the actions of creating and enforcing these boundaries.