Truth and polyamory

[ceegeez]

Dear Steve,
I would like to know how you see truth fit in the following situation: Meeting someone you are totally honest with, getting closer, and then finding out that she/he is in another relationship and not telling her or his partner about the relationship with you. Can you continue withouth harming truth?
Thank you!

[Brutha]

A relationship is about shared values and if a partner doesn't share the value of truth and doesn't want to tell another partner of his about the relationship there might be a problem.

Can you continue withouth harming truth?

You can't harm truth. Truth just is.

[ceegeez]

Originally Posted by Brutha

A relationship is about shared values and if a partner doesn't share the value of truth and doesn't want to tell another partner of his about the relationship there might be a problem.
You can't harm truth. Truth just is.

Thank you, Brutha. Yes, the problem as I would see it is on the side of the person who tries to align with truth, because she/he has to let go of the other person or live against truth. Or trying for a third solution (whereas I can't think of any).
You're right, truth just is.

[LScribbens]

Originally Posted by ceegeez

Dear Steve,
I would like to know how you see truth fit in the following situation: Meeting someone you are totally honest with, getting closer, and then finding out that she/he is in another relationship and not telling her or his partner about the relationship with you. Can you continue withouth harming truth?
Thank you!

This situation is not polyamorous, but cheating. You can not continue and have the relationship be honest, for it was founded on dishonesty by one party. If it was me, I'd cut Mr./Ms. Lying-to-partner free and move on. 1) because of the potential drama factor. And 2) because if they are lying to their primary partner about you why would you think they would be honest with you?

[polyfulcrum]

Ah.. but what if this is a "don't ask, don't tell" situation? Perhaps they have their partner's permission to be out with others, but don't want to "know" about it.

Spent some time wrestling with this one myself during my first long term "poly" relationship. Here are the conclusions I've come to so far: http://http://polytripod.blogspot.co...dont-tell.html if you'd care to read more on the particular thought processes around that idea.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by ceegeez

Yes, the problem as I would see it is on the side of the person who tries to align with truth, because she/he has to let go of the other person or live against truth.

I don't see it this way. Another person's alignment with truth does not affect your alignment with truth. If you are being honest, then you are being aligned with truth. The other person's choice to be honest or not is their responsibility and has nothing to do with you.

Now the question is, do you want to be with someone who isn't aligned with truth? But as I see it, this is not about your own alignment with truth - it's about your alignment with love (Are you connecting with a situation you like, or staying in a situation you dislike?) and with power (Is surrounding yourself with people who don't share your values and are not aligned with your goals empowering for you?).

As I see it, not letting go of this person would decrease your alignment with love and with power, but not with truth.

Does this make sense?

(I am not tallking about you specifically, I'm using "you" in a general sense here.)

[ceegeez]

Originally Posted by LScribbens

This situation is not polyamorous, but cheating. You can not continue and have the relationship be honest, for it was founded on dishonesty by one party. If it was me, I'd cut Mr./Ms. Lying-to-partner free and move on. 1) because of the potential drama factor. And 2) because if they are lying to their primary partner about you why would you think they would be honest with you?

You made a good point.

[ceegeez]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I don't see it this way. Another person's alignment with truth does not affect your alignment with truth. If you are being honest, then you are being aligned with truth. The other person's choice to be honest or not is their responsibility and has nothing to do with you.

Now the question is, do you want to be with someone who isn't aligned with truth? But as I see it, this is not about your own alignment with truth - it's about your alignment with love (Are you connecting with a situation you like, or staying in a situation you dislike?) and with power (Is surrounding yourself with people who don't share your values and are not aligned with your goals empowering for you?).

As I see it, not letting go of this person would decrease your alignment with love and with power, but not with truth.

Does this make sense?

(I am not tallking about you specifically, I'm using "you" in a general sense here.)

Although I feel it does make sense I see a contradiction: I would connect with a situation I dislike, but connecting with this person I feel would be alignment with love. We didn't start to have a closer relationship yet, but I can feel it already; still I don't want to start or put an end to it unless I have a clear view on it. I probably have to consult my intuition or Higher Self. Nevertheless, your text is very helpful in this process, thank you!

[Erika Awakening]

Originally Posted by ceegeez

Dear Steve,
I would like to know how you see truth fit in the following situation: Meeting someone you are totally honest with, getting closer, and then finding out that she/he is in another relationship and not telling her or his partner about the relationship with you. Can you continue withouth harming truth?
Thank you!

Ceegeez, how does it make you feel, this scenario (being in it or imagining it)?

It seems like different people are comfortable with different scenarios, but any form of dishonesty makes me very uncomfortable. If people are going to be polyamorous, great, but to me it seems like honesty is the only way polyamory could really work. No?

I just blogged about some mixed feelings about polyamory here: Awakening from the Dream: Polyamory - Share your experiences with me!. Interesting, too, because when I'm fearful, honesty becomes more challenging too.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by ceegeez

Dear Steve,
I would like to know how you see truth fit in the following situation: Meeting someone you are totally honest with, getting closer, and then finding out that she/he is in another relationship and not telling her or his partner about the relationship with you. Can you continue withouth harming truth?
Thank you!

Such a relationship would be below my standards because dishonesty is a huge turnoff for me. I already have two kids and don't want to attract such women into my life just to parent them.

However, I do understand quite well why people cheat. There are more than a dozen different reasons for it. Mira Kirshenbaum has a great book on the subject of cheating. So I might do what I can to raise the woman's awareness of what she's doing and why and challenge her to be truthful with herself and others.

I'm not interested in judging people who cheat behind their partner's back, but I can predict a fairly negative outcome if the pattern continues, so it's a no-brainer not to get involved in that sort of deception.

[ceegeez]

Originally Posted by Erika Awakening

Ceegeez, how does it make you feel, this scenario (being in it or imagining it)?

It seems like different people are comfortable with different scenarios, but any form of dishonesty makes me very uncomfortable. If people are going to be polyamorous, great, but to me it seems like honesty is the only way polyamory could really work. No?

I just blogged about some mixed feelings about polyamory here: Awakening from the Dream: Polyamory - Share your experiences with me!. Interesting, too, because when I'm fearful, honesty becomes more challenging too.

It was a good idea just to ask how it feels - it does not feel good and it does not feel right. That is enough for me to see the clear picture, and to end it even before it starts. Thank you, Erika!

[ceegeez]

Originally Posted by polyfulcrum

Ah.. but what if this is a "don't ask, don't tell" situation? Perhaps they have their partner's permission to be out with others, but don't want to "know" about it.

Spent some time wrestling with this one myself during my first long term "poly" relationship. Here are the conclusions I've come to so far: http://http://polytripod.blogspot.co...dont-tell.html if you'd care to read more on the particular thought processes around that idea.

Yes, maybe they have an agreement like this. I didn't figure out yet if it would make a difference to me. Thank you for sharing your blog entry (by the way: There is something wrong with the link from here to your blog, I could only access it after cutting-out the part "www.http.com//" from the URL).

[ceegeez]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Such a relationship would be below my standards because dishonesty is a huge turnoff for me. I already have two kids and don't want to attract such women into my life just to parent them.

However, I do understand quite well why people cheat. There are more than a dozen different reasons for it. Mira Kirshenbaum has a great book on the subject of cheating. So I might do what I can to raise the woman's awareness of what she's doing and why and challenge her to be truthful with herself and others.

I'm not interested in judging people who cheat behind their partner's back, but I can predict a fairly negative outcome if the pattern continues, so it's a no-brainer not to get involved in that sort of deception.

Thank you for sharing your view on this question.

[ceegeez]

Dear All,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the question I had about truth and polyamory, it was very helpful. Today I said goodbye to the would-have-been-lover, feeling pretty sad right now, I must admit. Personal growth can be hard some times . But after all I feel good and kind of relieved, I already know that I will recover soon and move on with fresh energy. Thank you very much for your support!