SUGGESTIONS PLEASE...I want to switch universes...

[Want2BHonest]

So, I have been living in opposition to who I really am and what I really want in life.

I have been married before. Long time ago. That's over. I have been single for almost a decade I guess. Anyway, I always knew I'd remarry. Always saw myself as a family girl. Somebody who built a family and a life together with somebody else. Grow old together with someone. Build traditions. Make an impact as a family in our community, etc.

So...here I am...almost a decade later and not remarried. And, I've been wasting time with a man who adores me. Treats me like the only woman in the room. Except for one thing...he is not my husband and doesn't really appear to want that. It irritates the hell out of me mainly because he avoids discussing it. Avoids acknowledging it. Avoids as best he can, any talks about it. I try to express that I have goals and we don't seem to want the same things. And, he says he wants that for me. Anyway, he doesn't want to give it...although he will never verbally admit it. He's admitting it with his actions.

I'm kinda pissed because he and I both know that the only reason we are together is because I am compromising my standards. So he's acting all grateful and I am becoming increasingly bitter. It's very surreal. Years wasted. I have been in denial. It's like some kind of sick, loving death. There's no controversy except that I am someone else and not the one for him and he knows it and hopes I will continue to ignore it. It's very odd.

Anyway...help me be strong enough to let this person go. He's been my best friend and a real dear to me in many other ways. But, I want things he cannot give me. Or, rather, I want things he doesn't want to give me. (if I'm really being honest). He is just not that into me. And I need to move on.

I want to switch my observation to a different reality...a different universe. This one is not working out.

[Brutha]

If you are perfectly clear about what you want and tell your husband: "We have to talk. I want to get married" instead of hinting it you won't allow him anymore to avoid the issue.

[Want2BHonest]

Originally Posted by Brutha

If you are perfectly clear about what you want and tell your husband: "We have to talk. I want to get married" instead of hinting it you won't allow him anymore to avoid the issue.

Thanks Brutha.

He knows. He knows who I am. He knew who I was when he was spending YEARS pursuing me. He literally pursued me for several years before I gave in. He knew what kind of woman I was then. He even went so far as to pretend, early in the relationship, that we would be getting married...so far as to ask me my ring size and preferred style. When it became clear that I was in love with him for sure, he cooled off in the marriage department.

He knows who I am. It's part of the reason he fell in love with me. He's just hoping that I am going to remain weak and compromising so that he can have his cake and eat it too. It's all my fault. I'm not even blaming him. Compromising who you are is never a good idea.

[Brutha]

He knows who I am.

That's no valid excuse for not speaking with him about your desires and being clear with him about what you want.
You allow him to avoid the issue and that's your choice.
If you are happy with that choice that's fine but if you aren't it's your responsibility to be clear about what you want and actually having that talk.

Getting tired of waiting to be proposed to..... any advice? might be a thread that's interesting to you.

[Want2BHonest]

Originally Posted by Brutha

That's no valid excuse for not speaking with him about your desires and being clear with him about what you want.
You allow him to avoid the issue and that's your choice.
If you are happy with that choice that's fine but if you aren't it's your responsibility to be clear about what you want and actually having that talk.

Getting tired of waiting to be proposed to..... any advice? might be a thread that's interesting to you.

Thanks, Brutha. I'm not blaming him. I blame myself for ever compromising. I know he means well and I don't think he's out to use me or anything. But we don't want the same things. And, it's time we stopped pretending that fact isn't the 800 lb gorilla in the room.

I really appreciate the link. Going over to check it out.

[Want2BHonest]

just read that link....that just solidified for me that I'm not willing to sacrifice who I am for a relationship. As long as we are in our current way of being together, we build separately, we live separately, we exist separately.

I don't shack up so that's not an option for me. And, we currently lead separate lives even though we share some aspects of our lives with each other. But, there are some things which do not get shared, especially on his end. And, I am very serious about building something amazing with someone. I'm not going to sit around and wait on him to recognize that the blessing he is missing out on is larger than his fears. He doesn't see it that way apparently.

So, if there's anyone out there who has reclaimed their own path and purpose after years of pretending otherwise, please come in and share with me. Was it easy once you faced the truth? Was it difficult? Did it turn out to be the right decision? How did you do it?

[James81]

I have to ask....what exactly will a piece of paper from the government bring to the relationship that you aren't already getting/have?

Maybe if you have a guy who treats you like gold, you might be able to comprimise in this one really minor, irrelevant area to be happy.

Seriously, marriage is pretty overrated.

[LOVE4LIFE]

Originally Posted by James81

I have to ask....what exactly will a piece of paper from the government bring to the relationship that you aren't already getting/have?

I'm with James81.. Lets face the truth. "Marriage" is a definition. Humans love to categorize EVERYTHING, Define EVERYTHING, Classify EVERYTHING. So tell me what feelings, other then your sense of security in the relationship, will you gain by receiving the definition of MARRIAGE? Isn't it all about feelings/emotions? We all have a 6th sense and the funny thing, it is THE MOST IMPORTANT!! it's your emotions. You listen to your touch when your hands tell you the stove is too hot to touch... why can't you listen to your emotions when it tells you something feels good or something feels bad? and just like your hand getting hot on the stove, move away from the bad feelings!!! SIMPLE!
If youre spending more time worrying about it then enjoying it, there needs to be a change.
You are a big girl now... spend less time asking and talking, and more time listening. AND I MEAN LISTEN! MEDITATE! listen to the answers knocking at your door you just have to hear them... Let your consciousness be your guide. I want the best for you and only you know whats best for you no one else. Be selfish for your life's experience

[Want2BHonest]

Originally Posted by James81

I have to ask....what exactly will a piece of paper from the government bring to the relationship that you aren't already getting/have?

Maybe if you have a guy who treats you like gold, you might be able to comprimise in this one really minor, irrelevant area to be happy.

Seriously, marriage is pretty overrated.

I want to live the same reality with someone that I love. I want us to build a future together. I want us to raise children together. I want us to plan for the future together. I want to support his goals and for him to support mine in more ways than just being girlfriend/boyfriend. And, since I'm not into shacking up, I don't see how that can happen if we are not working toward marriage.

[Want2BHonest]

Originally Posted by LOVE4LIFE

I'm with James81.. Lets face the truth. "Marriage" is a definition. Humans love to categorize EVERYTHING, Define EVERYTHING, Classify EVERYTHING. So tell me what feelings, other then your sense of security in the relationship, will you gain by receiving the definition of MARRIAGE? Isn't it all about feelings/emotions? We all have a 6th sense and the funny thing, it is THE MOST IMPORTANT!! it's your emotions. You listen to your touch when your hands tell you the stove is too hot to touch... why can't you listen to your emotions when it tells you something feels good or something feels bad? and just like your hand getting hot on the stove, move away from the bad feelings!!! SIMPLE!
If youre spending more time worrying about it then enjoying it, there needs to be a change.
You are a big girl now... spend less time asking and talking, and more time listening. AND I MEAN LISTEN! MEDITATE! listen to the answers knocking at your door you just have to hear them... Let your consciousness be your guide. I want the best for you and only you know whats best for you no one else. Be selfish for your life's experience

Thanks. I cannot stop my gravitation toward wanting to grow old with someone. It's not going anywhere. It's who I am.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Want2BHonest

I want to live the same reality with someone that I love. I want us to build a future together. I want us to raise children together. I want us to plan for the future together. I want to support his goals and for him to support mine in more ways than just being girlfriend/boyfriend. And, since I'm not into shacking up, I don't see how that can happen if we are not working toward marriage.

Sounds to me like you need to talk to him and stop pressuring him.

He hasn't told you that he'll never get married, has he?

If not, then he'll come around in his own time. If you want those things, then stop focusing on trying to control him toward giving you a sheet of paper and start focusing on those plans and have discussions with him about those things.

Release control of the outcome and all those things you worry about will take care of themselves. Your only goal here is to move the relationship in the direction you want it and see if that's the direction he wants to go. You can't force him or shame him into marrying you, that will only create resentment. Instead, you need to communicate with each other and find out if he wants the same things out of life as you do. If he doesn't, then you are incompatibile. If he does, then stop pressuring him and let him come around in his time. If his time does not seem to be matching up with your time, then you are incompatible.

[Want2BHonest]

Originally Posted by James81

Sounds to me like you need to talk to him and stop pressuring him.

He hasn't told you that he'll never get married, has he?

If not, then he'll come around in his own time. If you want those things, then stop focusing on trying to control him toward giving you a sheet of paper and start focusing on those plans and have discussions with him about those things.

Release control of the outcome and all those things you worry about will take care of themselves. Your only goal here is to move the relationship in the direction you want it and see if that's the direction he wants to go. You can't force him or shame him into marrying you, that will only create resentment. Instead, you need to communicate with each other and find out if he wants the same things out of life as you do. If he doesn't, then you are incompatibile. If he does, then stop pressuring him and let him come around in his time. If his time does not seem to be matching up with your time, then you are incompatible.

Thanks James. I think you may have me confused with your overall perception of women who want to get married. I haven't pressured him for marriage one second of this years' long relationship. And, I actually have expressed how I want to build together, merge our realities, and my general goal for the future with a family. But that's it and it's few and far between. Most times, I don't mention any of it at all. And, certainly no pressure. I refuse to beg someone to give them gifts. If they don't want my gifts that is fine. I'm not going to audition to bless someone.

So...thanks...I'm not that woman that's begging to be married. I simply want to begin living true to my personal identity and this includes a loving marriage that lasts til death. So, again, for anyone who can say they made some drastic changes to live according to their full purpose and identity, I'd love your input.

[newsbone]

Originally Posted by Want2BHonest

So...here I am...almost a decade later and not remarried. And, I've been wasting time with a man who adores me. Treats me like the only woman in the room. Except for one thing...he is not my husband and doesn't really appear to want that. It irritates the hell out of me mainly because he avoids discussing it. Avoids acknowledging it. Avoids as best he can, any talks about it. I try to express that I have goals and we don't seem to want the same things. And, he says he wants that for me. Anyway, he doesn't want to give it...although he will never verbally admit it. He's admitting it with his actions..

Why buy a cow when you can milk it for free?

[tintin]

Originally Posted by newsbone

Why buy a cow when you can milk it for free?

ha ha ha

someone above said why "marriage"?
i think thats in the belief system of the OP and..shes seems to be oblivious to the fact that that could be the reason for her unhappiness.

to the OP:-there are no guarantees in life.
marriage aint one..seriously. anything can happen.
why dont you tell us about this relationship?is it fulfilling (except the marriage bit) does it answer your needs (except marriage)

what exactly about marriage do you like...see! companionship you got,youre already spending your life with someone youre happy with (cept marriage )
you CAN be committed ,sometimes more ,when you are not married.you can choose to have kids even if youre not married.you can choose to grow old together too.plan things tigether too.

what will marriage be getting that you cant already have?
explore your belief system.
or rather the relationship.coz this might just be an excuse for something lacking in the relationship itself.

if not.then get out of here..fully knowing..that there are 'still' no guarantees.

n btw huccome you hung on for years?? in the hope that hed want to marry?
i dont know you at all but "need for SECURITY" seems to be jumping out from nearly every sentence youve written.
do look back to see if the choices youve made in the past carry the 'safe' tag.
not judging you or nething.just want to help you explore whats going on in the inside.