Emotionally immature and confused

[bob5483]

Hey everyone,

I am currently in a relationship with a women thats 4 years older then me and has been engaged in the past. She has been with many men, and I have not been with that many women. We started out very passionate and I thought she was the one. I never thought that soulmates, true love or any of that nonsense was real until I met her.

But as the months went by, I saw more and more of her other sides. The less then perfect sides that exist. Her father was an alcoholic growing up and she actually stoped him from killing himself. The man she was engaged to was physically and emotionally abusive to her and she is a very damaged person. I am finding it more and more difficult to be with her. Because of these experiences, she is very difficult to deal with. Her emotions tend to be up and down and all over the place. She is not abusive or anything like that towards me, but I am constantly in battle with her. She has very bad anxiety and had bilemia problems when younger, but still has traces of it. I have suggested therapy, but that ended in a fight. She took that personally.

The truth of the matter is that its so hard to be with her. I struggle with whether or not I should leave. She thinks that we will be moving in together soon and be married one day, but I don't want to live unhappily. Her family is hard too. Her sister and brother are very mean and spiteful people and seem to want to hurt everyone around them. When I add all these things up, its telling me to leave. But the thought of that breaks me. I just keep asking myself, what happened? Am I just running? I guess I have to judge just how much I love this person, because its going to be very difficult if I choose to live a life with her.

I guess I just wanted others thoughts of the relationship and what they would do. Or if someone has experienced something similar. I guess I am just looking for advice on what to do. I am not afraid to speak to her, but I feel like once I put these wheels in motion, there is no coming back. Please help, thank you.

[James81]

Well, when you boil it down to bare bones, you have 3 options:

1. You can ask her to change. (not feasible and will never work anyway...people have to change because they want to change)

2. You can change yourself. (personally, I'd never advise anybody to change themself for a relationship unless the change is something they intended to do anyway or fits within their desired goals)

3. You can leave.

Of those three options, you have control over two of them. You can't make her change. Changing yourself may created resentment.

In my opinion, this looks like one of those incompatibility issues. It'd be one thing if you were married...at that point I would advise going to marriage counselling or something like that. But you're not. You're in the dating process (the process by which we consciously select potential mates and test to see if they make a good match), and in the course of your dating process you have discovered that she makes you unhappy.

It's unrealistic for you to demand that she make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. But if you discover that being with her takes away from that happiness, then you need to get away from it or change the situation in some way.

IMO, the only truly feasbile and healthy option of choice here is leaving, but that's a decision you need to arrive at on your own. And I think you are getting there slowly.

[RT Wolf]

Examine your feelings around leaving. It sounds a bit like you'd feel guilty, and you'd feel inadequate, as if you weren't good enough and you had to run. Perhaps you feel that you're not good enough if you couldn't love someone unconditionally or something.

Figure out those feelings, because it looks like there's fear, guilt and embarressment lying in there. Even if you choose not to leave, at lesat you'll know you made a better decision if you can get to a place of peace about leaving.

[cylon]

You can leave her but if you don't realize why you ended up with her the next girl will be the same, and the one after that, and the one after that.

We form relationships that fill certain needs. You have to learn what needs you have that are being met. There is something about this "damaged" girl that is drawing you to her and making you choose her over a more "healthy" girl.

Unless you get that worked out, you'll just have this exact type of relationship for the rest of you life.

[SimonaRich]

You just so got used to her that you do not want to shift your comfort zone. Trust me, the sooner you leave her the better it will be. If you are afraid that you will not find anyone else, you will, just keep being positive and open for love.

She is obviously making you negative although it is not your fault that she has issues. I really think that you should split up with her because you can clearly see that the situation is not going to improve.

[rawxstasy]

You need to leave. She has had issues with bulemia and is still having problems with and she does not intend to get any help for herself. At any time, she can go back to those bulemic behaviors and things will be much worse for her. You said she is a damaged person. She does not want to work through the issues from her past. If you stay, it can only get worse from here. I have been where is - except I didn't have bulemia but everything else I connect with. I agree with the othere posters, you need to look inside yourself and discover why you were attracted to a girl who is unhealthy. Otherwise this pattern will repeat.

[funchy]

You can't make her change. It comes down to loving and accepting her for the person she is... or moving on. Staying with her unhappily isn't good for anyone.