What exactly is tough love?

[Eric Roosevelt]

I've been hearing a lot recently about the concept of "tough love". It's used mostly when talking about children, but often also about adult relationships. It makes me wonder, what exactly is meant by "tough love"?

What associations do you get from this phrase? Is "tough love" something you try to apply to your own life, and if so, how?

[Angela]

I think it means enforcing your boundaries, rather than allowing them to be trampled, and expressing that someone's behavior doesn't work well for you and for your relationship, rather than merely empathizing and comforting that person.

I don't think you do anyone in your life a favor by subjugating your own boundaries, and often empathy and comfort can occur like a "reward" for undesirable behavior, so the person has no motivation to make a change -- why should they? They get schmoopiness and love when they act out!

Expressing boundaries can be a great pattern interrupt, too -- just scrambles the person's strategy so they can't keep running their pattern in the same way.

[ssandra]

I guess it is doing something what the other person does not like in the short term, but is better for them in the long term.

I would never use this in a relationship. We are both adults and there is no use to playing games or for me to "educate" the other person. If I want something, we will talk about it like two grownups.

With children it is a different matter. You have to educate them and therefor you sometimes have to be strickt with them. For example, not letting them go to a party or playing outside because they still have homework to do.

[Angela]

I would call what ssandra just described more like authoritarian power-over, rather than tough love. And I agree, that doesn't work well in relationships.

[ArthurHung]

Tough love is many things to me, here is one definition I've created of it:

Attacking someone's ego in a conscious way, either encouraging someone to push past their comfort zone or basically provoking someone but with your underlying vibe a very loving one

I do this everyday.

[timothydrake]

To me tough love is about guiding another through a lesson that involves the school of hard knocks. Learning it another way is not sufficient to value the lesson fully.

[ns123]

Originally Posted by ssandra

With children it is a different matter. You have to educate them and therefor you sometimes have to be strickt with them. For example, not letting them go to a party or playing outside because they still have homework to do.

I just thought I'd point out a less "authoritarian power-over" method - that yields the same result, but transforms the entire experience.

Most parents (myself included) view this as being strict. I must set boundaries or my children will walk all over me! But if you shift your perspective in a way, take away the "negativity" and your power over them... you can do enforce boundaries without feeling like you are coercing them or dominating them. The point is, homework will be done. But play is also important in childhood.

You can present it in a way that's less strict feeling. "Yes, you may play outside when the homework is done" (notice this feels different than, no, you do your homework first, then play outside)

Or: you can offer to do homework with them, or be nearby/available if it's independent work. Or set aside a regular scheduled time for home work or learning (at home) in your every day schedule. So on days when there is no home work, there is still some "learning" whether it's reading a novel, doing a experiment, researching a new topic, etc. Another way is this "learning/homework" time can be a time where you are fully present - in which they will LOOK FOWARD to spending this time with you and doing home work with you!

Or you can use "Let's" - implying giving permission and freedom. Let's review your homework, see how long it will be done, and let's schedule a time to do it (so that you can play outside in the sun now, before dark). This option requires that you do keep your options open and trust your child to honor their word to do the homework later. (I love the phrase, "Honor my word" or "Honor your word")

You can also present several options in which your child can pick. Or ask them to come up with their own options. And tell them that you trust them to honor their word. All of these options will include a set time that the homework will be done. The option of not doing it is not available.

I don't use the term "tough love" with my child, but I do enforce boundaries and strive to find creative ways in which we both have our wishes and preferences honored and fulfilled. I don't see myself as "tough" but I see myself as cooperative.

It may be a difference in terminology, but I find that difference totally transforms how I feel about parenting.

note to ssandra: I am not meaning to imply that being "tough" is bad or employing "tough love" is bad. It's not bad, actually. I'm just merely pointing out that for myself, parenting got totally fun and joyous when I let go of words and terminology the implied domination and coercion. And often, I still get the same desired results - home work being done.

[funchy]

it means standing firm and doing what is best long-term, even if it means the other person may feel a bit hurt or cry today. It means setting rules and sticking to them and not feeling guilty for being the 'bad guy' when you have to impose consequences on the other person for their bad choices. It means you love them and you want them to grow and be strong.