My BF left me Sunday! I'm heartbroken! HELP!!

[VetTechJess]

I have no idea what to do. I am moving back to georgia sometime next week. my BF said that we need to "separate and lead our own lives for awhile" and that "its just not working out right now." He also said that strangely enough, that he's not calling it quits on the relationship.

I noticed something when he got his internet phone about 2 months ago. unlimited internet, etc. He began to be secretive with his cell phone. It then led me to look thru his phone--I found racy text messages from random numbers from men. I would ask him about it and he would say he didn't reply to those like that. (the message i saw, a guy said he was touching himself and my bf replied "oh".)

He said that my "seeing things and thinking things that are not true" is one of the reasons we need to separate for awhile. But then again my take on it is, with seeing text messages like that, wtf am I supposed to think?!?!?! I also found evidence of him being in gay chatrooms and I found a penis pic on h is phone which when I asked him about it he said he sent it to me but I went CSI on him and went online to check my phone records and I have no records of ever having received it!!!

Worse thing is, theres a child on the way, as I am 6 months pregnant. I don't know what to do--I can only get him for child support after the baby is born,which I fully intend to do.

He said sunday night that he wasnt in love with me anymore, and the strange thing is, he also mentioned that he never experienced true love and doesn't even know if true love even exists!?!? Does this signify a much DEEPER issue that has NOTHING to do with ME???

Yet the next day he came by the house to get some clothes--a friend told me he may be coming--so I rounded up his clothes and medicine all in one hamper and set them aside thinking he would just take them and leave.

Another strange thing happened: He put the medicine back on his desk, fished thru and picked out ONE pair of uniforms for work, changed clothes, took ONE pill from his desk of his medicine, took those pills, and left! Why didn't he take all of his clothes if he was so intent on leaving?!?!?!?!?!

He told me that he had cried on sunday night after I left cause he was upset and everything--so what does that mean--for someone who apparently has no love for me whatsoever, why would he be hurting?!?!?!

Sunday night he mentioned that he had supposedly been molested by his grandfather--but he was too young to remember--but what he does remember is that his older sister was molested by her grandfather--both the same man. I also know that his mother and grandmother abused him when he was little.

All these things are really confusing and contradicting!! Is it really about me or does it have nothing to do with me as to the fact that he wants a separation?!?!?!

What led up to this is he went to a gay bar this past weekend--on friday night he went but he didnt tell me he was going--come home drunk at 3 or 4am. needless to say I was a nervous wreck calling the police and the emergency rooms--

saturday night was the straw that broke the camels back...

He told me this time he was going out to the gay bar for a drink or two. I called him at about 4am and he was too drunk to drive home. So I went and picked him up at around 0430. I didn't notice till the next day that he had a hickey on his neck!! I know that I didn't give it to him!! So I asked him to explain and he said he drank till he passed out on the couch upstairs at the club, and when he woke up there was 2 girls sitting on the same couch laughing--and thats all he remembers. I told him being that drunk is no excuse. A likely story but needless to say I didn't believe a word of it--though he was drunk when he had told me this too--and you know the old saying "In Wine There Is Truth"...but still the same...

He maintains that story--he also said a drunk gay guy tried to kiss him but that my bf almost punched him in the face.--he maintains that story--

I am still in CSI mode right now so I call the gay club and ask--they tell me to call back friday and talk to the upstairs bartender--who has been a bartender for 25 years and is REALLY good with names. They also said that they will talk to their security to see if they found anyone passed out drunk on the couch and if they had to separate anyone from an almost fight since they rarely have problems with that.

The people at the gay bar told me that they had 720 ppl that weekend and that they have an equal amount of both gays and straight ppl that go in there. They also said that the gay guys also dont normally try to kiss the straight guys-- but we'll see.

I need some advice and comfort NOW!!! MY HEART IS BREAKING AND IS TORN AND IS RIPPED TO SHREDS!!!!!

[Honeywith4bees]

Hi Jess~

Just wanted to drop a line of loving support to you now in your time of distress. How are you holding up? Are you doing things to take care of yourself and your unborn little one? I hope that you are.

I also wanted to remind you that from the sound of things, this break up is not about you and that you shouldn't feel like you are somehow "to blame".

I think that from posts you have made in the past, and from this post today, that its pretty clear that your boyfriend is gay and in denial.

It would be my guess, as a stranger only hearing small bits of the story, that he is a very, very confused and unhappy man as well.

If I were your boyfriend, I think I would want my best friend to help me through this time by not being judgmental about my sexuality and by letting me go with love.

It seems like he is afraid to leave the security of the life he has with you, but knows in his heart that he is not the man he is pretending to be.

I know that you will get through this painful time Jess. Please take lots of tender care of yourself right now, call on your friends and family for support too!

Wishing you love,

[ilrein]

I think that from posts you have made in the past, and from this post today, that its pretty clear that your boyfriend is gay and in denial.

Quoted for truth.

If I were your boyfriend, I think I would want my best friend to help me through this time by not being judgmental about my sexuality and by letting me go with love.

It seems like he is afraid to leave the security of the life he has with you, but knows in his heart that he is not the man he is pretending to be.

Quoted for truth.

------

Boyfriend aside, you have your own issues which will undermine this and every relationship that will proceed this one.

Do you think this is healthy behaviour?

It then led me to look thru his phone

I went CSI on him

needless to say I was a nervous wreck calling the police and the emergency rooms--

I am still in CSI mode right now so I call the gay club and ask--

Obsessive to say the least, this attitude and behaviour stems from a lack of self-esteem and low self-confidence. I truly hope you find the best from your situation, but you will fail to do so unless your work on yourself first.

[sirkinm]

Obsessive to say the least, this attitude and behaviour stems from a lack of self-esteem and low self-confidence. I truly hope you find the best from your situation, but you will fail to do so unless your work on yourself first.

Obsessive, sure, but this came out of the blue, and she's with child, so cut her some slack.

Just try to calm down a bit, Jess. Your bf does sound like he's in denial, but we can't really judge from here. There is a certain type of woman who is subconsciously attracted to closeted gay dudes, so you might want to check that out and see if that gives you any insight. What's most important now is that you chill (for your child's sake) -- just take it one day at a time, maybe read some Eckhart Tolle, and get out of CSI mode (and get yourself tested for STDs!).

Good luck!

[SimonaRich]

His behaviour shows that he does not love you. He is on an emotional rollercoaster and I also think that it has nothing to do with you. Probably he became scared of the responsibility he would have as a father and he probably always wanted to be with guys so he is now thinking that he will miss out on a lot if he would stay with you.

I really feel for you and I wish you all the best, although it will be hard, look only at positive things and soon someone much better will come into your life.

[Orecle]

I dont think she is being obsessive. She has real evidence, so how does it make her insecure or lacking in confidence. Does it make sense for her to ignore what she finds to "work on herself".

She is having a child, and her BF obviously has issues. I defy anyone who was confronted with the same info not to go CSI. Self esteem has nothing to do with it. If anything i would say at least she has the confidence not to bury her head in the sand

[Slamboard]

STDs

I know an earlier reply mentioned this concern, but it was not stressed enough. If the man that you chose to live with is behaving irresponsibly in a gay bar he is putting you and your child at risk for a host of diseases. Denial has been proven to have little effect on viruses or bacteria.

Get tested. Insist that he get tested. If he's too much of a knob to do that for you the next step should be obvious.

EDIT: My points apply regardless of whether the denied sexual behavior is gay or straight.

[funchy]

*HUGS*

It sounds like this guy has some inner issues going on. His problems are not your fault and nothing you could/should do will keep him at this point. The best you can do is look out for you.

What do you want?

Are you happy with a guy who suddenly doesn't love you or want to commit, but he wants to hang onto you so he doesn't have to face being alone...? It might be really hard for you to think about right now, but it may be better to officially break it off and move on. If he gets his crap together later on, he can contract you, and try to win you back... but you don't need to be waiting around for someone like that.

The odd behavior could be anything for him hooking up with girls online to having a real affair to mental illness to drug abuse... who knows why he suddenly lost interest. Him suddenly being secretive is a red flag. Whatever the reason, you deserve better than this.

The whole hickey thing is another red flag. Who cares if he got it from a girl or a guy or a farm animal, he has no business letting others suck on him. His behavior is inappropriate. Throw him out!