How do you revive marital activity

[ar81]

Lots of work because of job and university, lack of sleep because of the workload, routine.
It kills sexual life in a marriage.
How do you revive it?

[James81]

I think your best plan of action is to get enrolled in some sort of marital counselling.

[ssandra]

Just as you set time appart for work and university, also do so for your wife/husband.

Agree for 1 day in the month to go on a date, and from going out to diner, seeing a movie etc, you are not allowed to talk about university/work/children etc. Just talk about eachother, how the movie was etc.

Don´t put any focus on sex, if it happens, great, if not, also great.

Put the focus on really dating eachother again, winning the other person over again.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by James81

I think your best plan of action is to get enrolled in some sort of marital counselling.

No time for that, no budget for that.
It is a time of crisis.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by ar81

Lots of work because of job and university, lack of sleep because of the workload, routine.
It kills sexual life in a marriage.
How do you revive it?

How about having sex? Don't think about it, DO IT!. Seriously. Cut down the work. On your gravestone it better be written: 'I had too much sex' than 'I worked so much'.

[RT Wolf]

Originally Posted by ar81

No time for that, no budget for that.
It is a time of crisis.

A lack of time (or money) is seldom a lack of time (or money), but often a lack of priorities.

Read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and get out of the quick-fix mindset. Or don't and jump from one crisis to the next for the rest of your life.

The obvious solution is as someone said: make some time for your relationship. Secondly, cut back on some of your other commitments. Sit down and figure out what's more important than what in your life. IE, is your career more important than your current job? How about money more important than happiness? How about family vs career? How about your health vs your family?

Unfortunately, we've all got a limited amount of time and can't fit it all in at hte same time and must make decisions. If you're having crisises, that indicates you've made bad ones. Make new ones now.

[James81]

Originally Posted by ar81

No time for that, no budget for that.
It is a time of crisis.

1. If you can't make time for your marriage, then you might as well walk down to the court house and pick up the divorce papers.

2. Not all marriage counselling costs money. Some churches do it for free. But again, I ask you this question: If you can't make money for your marriage, then you might as well walk down to the court house and pick up the divorce papers.

My point: Stop making excuses and go. What's more important than your marriage, the love of your life? Nothing. If you were bleeding profusely from the neck, you'd find the money to pay for the medical bills somehow.

Find the time. Find the money. It's not THAT hard if you truly want to.

[rose A]

I second that James.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by James81

If you were bleeding profusely from the neck, you'd find the money to pay for the medical bills somehow.

THIS.

A crisis calls for the most intensive focus in order to come through it.

[GrGrimm]

Um. I've never been married, although I am in a longterm relationship. I guess everybody goes through dry spells, but marriage counseling? Unless you are fighting all the time and need someone to mediate, I dunno. And part of the problem was a lack of time, right>? Sure you could carve out some time to go, but from what I've read in psychology articals and whatnot, that might not be the best use of that time. Do something new and exciting together. You have to make time for life, not just work. And I read that if couples do something adventurous or novel together their brains are flooded with dopamine, and thus they feel happier, and they associate this happiness with the other person. And then you'll both feel better, thus more in the mood, with the energy to make a little love. And the act of making love will release more feel good chemicals, and with a little work you'll be out of you're rut. I know with my boyfriend, when things start to get a little stale, it helps me to stop expecting him to change his behavior BEFORE I do. (And sometimes he's the one who puts in the initial effort.) So, when I'm away from him, at work or whatever, I'll list all his good qualities, and try to get excited about him again, like I was in the courting phase. Then when we see eachother, I intentionally smile at him, maybe put my arms around him and let him know I think he's the best. Cause I really do appreciate him, but sometimes I don't feel like I do, and sometimes I don't show him like I should.

[ns123]

Make time to be intimate - which may or may not lead to sex.

Basically, set aside time - even if it's once a week or once a month, to be physical, whether it's cuddling, touching, or just talking and holding hands. This time is used best when it's uninterrupted time, away from all distractions (tv, computer, phones). Make it a time where you can be fully present for one another, be fully there.

Once the intimacy is back, the sex will be automatic.

Hope that helps.

[silicon toad2000]

I'm very much in the same boat as the OP. I work a lot of hours each week, study part time. My wife works and studies part time. One of our biggest issues is I like to be an early riser where my wife is a bit of a nightowl.
All the comments about make time for your relationship or it will be over I disagree with. My wife and I spend very little time together, but it's the little things that keep it going.
I wrote a windows script that opens up a box when she starts her laptop which says I love you and she has to click the ok button to make it go away. Little IM's or txt msgs, flowers every now and then.
I feel if the groundwork is there, you are both confident of where you're at within yourselves and each other and you can keep a trickle of romance alive, a bit of time pressures will not spell the end of the relationship.

[RT Wolf]

Originally Posted by silicon toad2000

I feel if the groundwork is there, you are both confident of where you're at within yourselves and each other and you can keep a trickle of romance alive, a bit of time pressures will not spell the end of the relationship.

I concur. It's not instant death, anyway, though in the long term relationships are srsly harmed if the people involved don't make time for each other. I will add: it's different for different relatoinships. Some relationships are just made up of very independent who couldn't stand being around each other for more than a few days (I know at least two like this).

Silicon, that's relaly sweet. Great idea! I'll do that at some point. Rig the lady's computer with secrets.

[ns123]

Originally Posted by silicon toad2000

All the comments about make time for your relationship or it will be over I disagree with.

I hope I can clarify things. I never meant to come across that yes, definitely, without a doubt, if you don't make time for each other, your relationship WILL BE doomed. That sounds very dark.

I'm just saying, you set yourself up for success when you make time for each other. It's part of creating a healthy relationship environment. It's just like... if you water a plant, you set it up for success to thrive. But some plants - like weeds, don't need water, and they still propogate and you can't get rid of it!

So one tool in successful relationships is to make time for each other. It doesn't mean you are around each other 24 hours a day. Because people, like plants, have different needs. And there is no magic formula as to how much time is enough time - it depends on your needs (and hers/his).

And silicon toad2000 - it does sound like you make time for your gal - the time you make is just not with her. But you do make time in your schedule to show her she's special to you (your computer script). So you are in fact, making time for her.

[funchy]

Originally Posted by James81

1. If you can't make time for your marriage, then you might as well walk down to the court house and pick up the divorce papers.

2. Not all marriage counselling costs money. Some churches do it for free. But again, I ask you this question: If you can't make money for your marriage, then you might as well walk down to the court house and pick up the divorce papers.

James said it very well!

Make the time no matter how tired, stressed, busy, or distracted either of you feel.

One exercise that works for some couples is to make one night the date-night and stick with it every week. No excuses. No working late. No "I'm too tired". If there is tension about activities to do together, an idea might be to alternate which of you picks where you go. If budget is an issue, don't let money be an excuse. A date can be a day at the park, a day trip to a different town just to window shop, or a dinner party at a friend's house.

[cosmogal]

Go for a short trip. Put your work aside. All works no play makes Jack a dull boy.

[newsbone]

Originally Posted by James81

If you were bleeding profusely from the neck, you'd find the money to pay for the medical bills somehow.

Marriage is not a life or death situation! But it canif you allow it to be.

[James81]

Originally Posted by newsbone

Marriage is not a life or death situation! But it canif you allow it to be.

Not the point.

The point is that we can find money when we want to. A life or death situation is an extreme case of "Ok, I want to do this."

[Curtis2011]

I would suggest reading the book His Needs Her Needs.

I sat down in a bookstore and read like 10 pages of that book once, and it blew me away right then and there.

[UnleashReality]

treat every day like it's your first date.

respect
alex