Marriage as a business proposal

[AlexL]

My wife and I were discussing our relationship the other day and realized a large part of it mimicked...a business. We pushed the analogy far enough that I actually thought there was a blog post in it.

Just about everyone struggles with relationships and it occurred to us thinking about relationships as businesses might lend some clarity to the whole process and help people navigate choppy relationship waters better (whether you're already married, contemplating marriage, or just getting involved in a relationship). I'm curious what people think about this idea. You can read the post at:

Marriage As A Business Proposal « Happiness in this World

Does this seem like a useful idea? I'd love to hear comments either there or here!

AlexL
Happiness in this World

[Angela]

A lot of people will go all frog-in-a-blender about the idea, I reckon, because it seems to lack romance. But I think it's funny that people enter marriage as if it were not a contract, but just two people walking hand in hand through fields of flowers. Tra-la-la-la-la!

I think most people think of their marriage vows as poetry -- they really mean the promises they're making, but mostly they're approaching those promises as a piece of art, to express all the schmoopiness they feel inside. That's great, and it makes for lovely weddings, but I think it's a really good idea to get those OTHER vows in writing -- the serious, left-brain vows, about specifically what each partner is willing to do, be, and have in the relationship, and also what (s)he is NOT willing to do, be, or have. And outlining the specific agreements in the relationship that most people leave unstated and that cause all kinds of trouble when people break them without even realizing they had made an agreement! And the consequences of breaking those agreements.

Of course things change over the course of the relationship and the contract will probably need revising and renegotiating if you stay married for any length of time, so it's not like a contract with the devil.

[James81]

I like the post mainly because at it's core it's basically an article that is saying to know who you are and find a mate with whom you are compatible (something that is lost on our society today...where people feel like they have to make every relationship work and wring it completely dry and dead until they break up bitterly instead of recognizing incompatibilities early on).

[aelle]

Originally Posted by Angela

A lot of people will go all frog-in-a-blender about the idea, I reckon, because it seems to lack romance. But I think it's funny that people enter marriage as if it were not a contract, but just two people walking hand in hand through fields of flowers. Tra-la-la-la-la!

I think most people think of their marriage vows as poetry -- they really mean the promises they're making, but mostly they're approaching those promises as a piece of art, to express all the schmoopiness they feel inside. That's great, and it makes for lovely weddings, but I think it's a really good idea to get those OTHER vows in writing -- the serious, left-brain vows, about specifically what each partner is willing to do, be, and have in the relationship, and also what (s)he is NOT willing to do, be, or have. And outlining the specific agreements in the relationship that most people leave unstated and that cause all kinds of trouble when people break them without even realizing they had made an agreement! And the consequences of breaking those agreements.

Of course things change over the course of the relationship and the contract will probably need revising and renegotiating if you stay married for any length of time, so it's not like a contract with the devil.

Once again, your remarks are spot on. The major (and in my opinion, only) difference between a marriage and a committed relationship is the contract (and possibly the religious blessing, but not for all marriages). It baffles me that so many people overlook the MAIN component of their comitment.

[SimonaRich]

Marriage is man-made out of insecurity. If you are completely happy and in love with someone, why sign a contract to prove that? The same with intelligence. If you think you are smart, why do you need a university diploma to prove that? It is just approval seeking and playing with your insecurities in one form or another.

[spirit4711]

@AlexL, I agree with most of the points in your post but I don't live them consciously. If had had done that before I got married I wouldn't have the two wonderful kids I have today, even though I'm divorced now.

The most value in your post IMO is that you advise readers to at least think and talk about those points. That's always a good idea.

My point of view on relationships is that we choose them unconsciously. I guess to learn something from them, even if things go sour. I met quite some fantastic women over the years, and even if a relationship wouldn't have worked for us, I'm deeply grateful for having been with them, and sharing what we shared. I like to kind of just jump into relationships, see what happens without thinking it all out in advance, it's more an exciting adventure than a business contract to me. I'm a romantic at heart, I fear.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by SimonaRich

Marriage is man-made out of insecurity. If you are completely happy and in love with someone, why sign a contract to prove that? The same with intelligence. If you think you are smart, why do you need a university diploma to prove that? It is just approval seeking and playing with your insecurities in one form or another.

Because it's a business commitment, with real financial and other consequences. A marriage contract is not for "proof" of anything -- it's for getting into language the agreements that most people store in their heads, and more often than not, never get around to telling their partner that they are part of such an agreement!

It can be an exercise in insecurity, sure; but in the right hands it can also be a great document for planning a life together that works really, really well.

[AlexL]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

@AlexL, I agree with most of the points in your post but I don't live them consciously. If had had done that before I got married I wouldn't have the two wonderful kids I have today, even though I'm divorced now.

The most value in your post IMO is that you advise readers to at least think and talk about those points. That's always a good idea.

My point of view on relationships is that we choose them unconsciously. I guess to learn something from them, even if things go sour. I met quite some fantastic women over the years, and even if a relationship wouldn't have worked for us, I'm deeply grateful for having been with them, and sharing what we shared. I like to kind of just jump into relationships, see what happens without thinking it all out in advance, it's more an exciting adventure than a business contract to me. I'm a romantic at heart, I fear.

spirit4711,
Nothing wrong with jumping into relationships and seeing what happens. My point was merely that if you're going to let the relationship develop and ultimately enter into a long-term commitment, thinking with your head as well as your heart about how the relationship will run gives it a better chance to survive and flourish long-term. Thanks for giving the post a read and your comment!

AlexL
Happiness in this World

[AlexL]

Originally Posted by Angela

Because it's a business commitment, with real financial and other consequences. A marriage contract is not for "proof" of anything -- it's for getting into language the agreements that most people store in their heads, and more often than not, never get around to telling their partner that they are part of such an agreement!

It can be an exercise in insecurity, sure; but in the right hands it can also be a great document for planning a life together that works really, really well.

Angela,
My point exactly.

AlexL
Happiness in this World

[Angela]

Originally Posted by AlexL

Angela,
My point exactly.

AlexL
Happiness in this World

Will you marry me?

[AlexL]

Originally Posted by Angela

Will you marry me?

It would have to be a conglomerate as I'm already married . Then again, Steve does promote polyamory...

AlexL
Happiness in this World

[Angela]

And naturally I'd want to keep Danger Man, too.

This contract could get complicated!