Unwanted children
 

I recently mailed Johnny Soporno about a problem I have with my children. I have his permission to post his response on the forums, so here goes. I'm not completely comfortable in admitting this problem publicly, but it feels a bit too selfish to keep it for myself, in case other people has similar problems.

Thanks for the enthusiasm, and for the feedback as well - I'm delighted that Violet and I have been able to help Steve and Erin with their appreciation of one-another, and their acceptance of themselves; from reading your email, I believe that YOUR situation is stymied by your lack of confidence in YOUR OWN acceptance of yourself!

Stop beating yourself up, Elias!

If I may be so bold, your sense of guilt here is caused by your failure to recognize and appreciate WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE, and what drives you, fundamentally. You are clearly a man who is here to "spread the seed", rather than one who is born to protect and nurture his partner and her [and presumably his] offspring.

Here's a little something to help you understand where I'm coming from:


In other words, women have evolved to pair-bond with men who provide them with both confidence and wherewithal that ensures their children will be well cared-for; yet to BREED (surreptitiously) with more ambitious, sexually-exciting itinerant partners, without bringing this up to their long-term mates. "Extra Pair Coupling" resulting in "Non-Paternity Parenthood" is rampant throughout the animal kingdom, even amongst nominally pair-bonding species.

Men have equally evolved either to have 'alpha ambitions' (ie, the motivation never to settle down, and to spend their energies on impregnating an abundance of willing partners) or to have non-alpha temperaments; to be comfortable in a protracted, long-term relationship with a single partner, and to contribute to the raising of her offspring (presuming them to be his own).

Heh - few 'adults' are mature enough to take care of themselves, frankly - although it certainly sounds to me as though your ex and yourself ARE fairly enlightened and objective in your rationality.

I expect that most-likely you could have a frank and sincere conversation with her about your needs and motivations, reminding her that you had explicitly opted not to be a father (and had been blind-sided both times, having relied on A) hormonal medications and B) her appreciation of your desire not to assume the responsibilities of a father at this time.

While I am sure you love and adore your kids, I completely sympathize with your not wanting the burden of caring for kids that young at this time in your life. You need to communicate to her than YOUR KIDS WILL SENSE that they are overwhelmingly NOT WANTED by you, and it will cause them psychological and socialization harms which neither you nor your ex would want for them.

Frankly, I expect you're probably pretty ADHD yourself (based upon your obvious intelligence and your career path) and this isn't conducive to raising youngsters: KIDS NEED ATTENTION, regardless of whether they are actually interesting to you at each moment or not - and failing to give it to them will end up causing inestimable damage to their self-esteem and their emotional welbeing. (This doesn't, of itself, make you a douchebag! But failing to find a positive solution does! ;))

Personally, I recommend that you offer to cover or share the costs of a live-in nanny to tend to them (nominally at her home) and to see them on a less onerous schedule, which would give you time to crave their company and yearn for the time you'd spend with them, thereby ensuring that they feel treasured and appreciated. If your ex wants to tend to them on her own when she would otherwise have had responsibility for them, she should be assumed to have invested her half of the nanny's costs in so doing... but as an MD, I would imagine she'll ultimately leave the kids with the nanny a lot more than she would spend time with them directly.

I hope this is helpful to you!

Johnny Soporno
Worthy Playboy

[EDIT: REMOVING THIS PORTION AS IT DIDN'T APPLY SPECIFICALLY. DIDN'T HAVE THE FULL EMAIL AT THE TIME AND WAS TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER WHAT WAS GOING ON]

That being said, I'll say this. I am a single father of two children (I'm divorced), who I get to see at various times during the week. I know what you are going through, and I know exactly how hard it is to be there for them "part time." People grossly underestimate the amount of sacrifice and the emotional toll on the non-custodial parent in our society. It takes a strong man to remain in his kids' lives after a divorce. A lot stronger than people think, and, while I can never condone a man who abandons his kids, I do understand why they do it because I've been there and I've faced that same struggle.....the struggle of "I can't take this anymore, I have to get out of here." The struggle of "do I really love my kids or am I just going through the motions".....the struggle of "I can't take this emotional yo-yoing of seeing them and then not seeing them anymore," the whole breaking down their defenses when they first come only to ship them off and go through the whole process every single time I get them.

So yes, I get that the decision to remain in your kids lives is a tough one, especially when you didn't want them to begin with.

But let me tell you, from my own experience, that the more I do it...the more I face those struggles and rise above them...the more I take up the responsibility....well, the more I love them and the more I grow as a person. I feel like my experience as a single dad has helped me grow in leaps and bounds, and through all my ups and downs and struggles, I've grown to love them deeper, appreciate them more, and grow a sense of inner strength that I could never have reached had I ran away like I originally wanted to do.

So, it's time to grow up, face your issues, embrace a system that works for you, and etch out a path that includes you in their lives. No, you don't have to apologize for wanting your space. No, you don't have to get them everyday. But you should find a way to get them that works out best for both you and them. They didn't ask to come into your life. They are innocent here and they don't deserve to be abandoned and left to struggle on their own just because you have some issues about it.

I know that's blunt and harsh, but I believe it so strongly because I have lived it. And I assert it so strongly because I know, from experience, that by facing it and manning up to your responsibility you will grow much more as a person than if you run away and leave them to fend for themselves. I don't think this. I KNOW this.

So, take my advice for what it's worth. I just know that 2.5 years later, I am so glad beyond glad that I didn't run away back in the beginning when I felt the road was too tough. I am glad that I toughed it out, because of the affects it's had on my inner strength.

My $0.02.

^BTW, that response was more based on what Johnny said than you said. It was really hard to figure out just what you were asking in your email because it looks like a lot of it was cut out or left off.

If I'm way off base here, then I apologize because I don't really know the original question you were asking. I was just responding more to Johnny's responses, and trying to piece it together from that.

Sorry about that, I've added the rest of my question to the original post. You were spot on in guessing the meaning though.

- elias

Completely agreed, and I wasn't trying to get an "ok" (nor did I read that from Johnny's reply). What I did was definitely _not_ ok. It could probably have been left out if I had intended this for forum consumption originally.

Ah ok. That's what I was figuring.

Knowing this part of it, I'll add an addendum to my posts above...

A part of my post that I grazed on was that you should not apologize for the time that you spend that works for you. What I mean is, that it's an important that you be a solid, consistent part of their lives. How much time you spend with them, however, will vary from person to person as to what they can handle.

If you can't handle 7 straight days in a row with them, then tell your ex that and set up a custody situation that works better for you. Standard issue court custody usually runs every other weekend (Friday-Sunday) and every wednesday. My own personal custody agreeement is every other weekend Friday-Sunday, every thursday and every sunday. That works really well for me.

Like Johnny said, it gives me time to miss them and yearn for them when they aren't here, and most weeks I end up trying to get them an extra night or two or doing something like take them to dinner.

Most people will judge you if you say things like you don't want to spend every waking moment with your kids. But for the most part, that is a ridiculous judgement and is based mainly on people projecting their own bitterness rather than sound parenting.

It's MOST important that the time you spend with them is QUALITY time, not quantity time. You are a person with your own needs, and it's not unfair for you to demand some time to yourself, so don't apologize for wanting to do that. You do what's best for you and your situation, but make sure that it's CONSISTENT. Don't constantly change it on them and if you say you are going to get them on a certain day, do it.

Consisentancy is a huge issue with children, and it's one of their core needs. They need a parent who will be consistent and who will spend quality time with them. They don't need you everyday more than they need ALL of you in the day that you are with them. (if that makes sense)

So spend some time working out a schedule that works for you, that allows you to be a consistent force in their lives without draining you to where you can't offer all of yourself to them. That's what is most important.

If your ex doesn't like the schedule you present, work it out with her, and offer her solutions that ease the extra load from her (like hiring a nanny as Johnny suggested or paying for their daycare costs). Just because she is a doctor doesn't mean anything. Her onus of responsibility is to her kids first just as much as it is for you.

This is what has really worked for me, and I'm discovering lately that now that I've worked it out that I am wanting to spend more and more time with them. I assert that as you make the connection with them and grow emotionally with them, that that same desire will come to you too. and you'll have a good base to build on, and can slowly ease yourself back into more time with them as you want.

I'll also say this...on the days you don't get them, if you call them and talk to them on the phone that will do worlds for them as well. And also be willing to bend your schedule once in a while for them (not all the time, but once in a while), and whenever they ask if they can come with you, try your best to accomodate that. It's MOST important that you be with them when they WANT to be with you.

I specifically do _not_ suspect foul play. The reason I mention foul play at all is because I've been asked that question by friends and also because I know Johnny has some quite high stats on the percentage of children where the custodial father is not the biological father.

I see it as less black-and-white: I would probably be much more happy with fewer days, say 3 days every other week.

Yeah, I editted that stuff out of my post as it doesn't really apply. I was thinking you were more wanting to just not get them at all rather than cut your custody down a bit. See my my recent post above for more details.

This I've heard variations of before, and in fact my ex-wife specifically states that "other single fathers [she knows] usually want to see more of their kids". This must be where I'm "broken" in some way. How long did it take you to come to this conclusion? Personally, I don't see any "point" in child caring for me as a parent, but while my ex-wife likes to do other things too, parenting is basically the _whole_ point for her.

The way I see it, this is not about just about responsibility, but about the underlying motivation for your specific actions. Just as you're vastly more efficient in work you do because you like it and it gives you meaning than work you don't see any greater meaning in.

It took me about a year and half to get to that point.

It helped me when I stopped looking at it from the perspective of "childcaring" and looked at it from the perspective building a relationship with my children. At the end of the day they are people, just like me. And even though their needs are more simplistic while they are young, there is still a need to build the relationship there.

I also started looking at it as a way to grow in my own personal development (which helped me in leaps and bounds) and started realizing that they have a view on life to which I want to strive for.

It's easy for us to get lost as adults as to what's most important in life, and kids have that perspective naturally.

Well, this isn't "work." (no wonder you are having such a go at this) This is human interaction and relationship building. You can't approach relationships the way you approach work. Relationships are fluid and ever changing, like a stream. You don't work to any particular goal in a relationship, but rather you flow with the stream wherever it takes you.

wow, my opinion of him just shot up leaps and bounds.

Would that his website would be more in alignment with the man who wrote this email instead of coming across as a womanizing seducer in smarmy dark places!

But what do I know, maybe that's the audience he is targeting - where he can do the most good?

I don't think your children are necessarily "unwanted." I just think 7 days of consecutive, single parenting is a bit much. I am a Mother and when my husband and I split, we did every 2 days and it worked out to where we had every other weekend for 3 nights. Now that may sound like a lot on the child(ren), but I think it's all in how you perceive/project it.

Plus, we have different roles and maybe your new single life is calling for you to have a little fun and you dont want to be tied down with kids.

IMO, there is nothing wrong with how you feel, but trust me, your children are not unwanted, there Father is just wanting some "me" time.

Ok, relationships then. Let's say I posted a "I love my girlfriend very much, but I don't get anything worthwhile from our relationship" you might suggest leaving her. Same thing with a friend that's holding you back ("spend less time with him"). And you base your advice on the assumption that my girlfriend/friend owns her own life and takes care of herself.

Not so with children, abandoning them will leave them without a father _and_ the mother or someone else is forced to take over.

So in the frame of relationships: I don't get much out of the relationship with my children and would ideally prefer less time with them. What can I do about it?

I've since discussed the issue with my ex-wife who is unfortunately not open for either taking more days nor the idea of me or a nanny helping her out more and bringing them to and from day care when she needs it. In fact, she wants to work a bit more short term to clear off some debt. Her intended goal is to have them more, but I'm not sure when that is going to happen.
Heh, I can see now that the thread topic might be a bit too much. Who knows, I probably wanted to elicit a "no no, you're not completely bad, they're not unwanted" :)

If I undertand you correctly, you two still have them equally much. In what way does the more frequent swapping help, compared to 7 days straight (but also 7 days without them)?

I only have one and she is soon to be 19 (June). She moved in with me full time on her 18th birthday.

The frequency of the changing houses showed her how much she was wanted/needed without us "arguing or fighting" over her. We also focused on how well she was required to keep up with her things. She became very responsible in that aspect. When holidays would come about, my ex and I would try to work it out and we would tell her how it must be nice to be so loved and how everyone wants to have her around for the holidays. We just worked it out without the other being mad or stressing her out, even if I got her on December 26th, it was the day after on the calendar but in our house, it was Christmas day.

Basically what I'm saying, is divorce is a terrible thing in itself so I always tried to focus on the positive aspects of it because it is what it is and if we focus on the "oh, poor thing you have to go back and forth all the time, etc. etc.," then it becomes even more negative.

I know that didn't come out as clearly as I wanted but I hope I made some sense.

Because I think this topic is extremely interesting, may I ask why you don't get anything worthwhile from hanging out with your kids? Like you just don't have fun, they don't make you laugh, or spark inspiration or imagination in you, or whatever emotions parents feel when they are around their kids? What is it that you just don't like about hanging out with your kids or children in general? Do you just feel like there is something more interesting that you could be doing instead? Could you just specify?

I'm not passing judgment, I just want to know because although I don't have any kids myself, I love kids, I think there is more that we can learn from children than they can from us. I really enjoy seeing the world from their eyes, a fresh perspective. Also, I'm currently dating someone who is a dad and he's worked out the custody with his ex wife where he sees his 6 year old daughter A LOT. I'd like to know more about your perspective.

I like hanging out with children, and my children in particular. It's the 7 days with complete responsibility for children that wears me down. I don't look forward to the weeks with children at all, and I find the weeks boring, tedious and wishing the days would pass faster*. For lack of a better expression, I'm feel more like an uncle or grand parent than a parent.

Yes, children probably teaches me more than I teach them, I know because I've learned _a lot_ from having children. I'm afraid that I'm currently not listening much to them though :)

I'm biased. I'm not a family person, wishing to have and raise a family, and I left my wife who very much _is_ a family person because I didn't know maself well enough at the time.
That said, I see no problem in dating people with kids at all. I'm seeing a woman with three(!) kids, and we have a very different kind of relationship, one that I cherish very much. She knows I'm not there to take over the family-father role so we have virtually no problems regarding children (mine or hers).



* I don't _always_ feel like that, but more often than I think is healthy.

stop beeing idiot guys
 

sex can have consequences

Forgive me, I didn't read any of the responses before posting this as I didn't have much time. I'll check back later and review. Just wanted to respond to this from the OP:

I was raised by a father who wanted children, just not the burden of actually interacting with them. Well, me, anyway. I don't know about the others. I was the last in the line and could sense that he didn't want me bothering him. It affected my relationships with men VERY negatively, and still does to some extent. I've always believed men couldn't love women because my own father didn't show me affection.

So yeah, I'm with the playboy on this one, sad as I am to admit it. I truly wish every child could be born wanted by both parents, but that just isn't the case. My own kids haven't had a father for most of their lives because I couldn't find a man who was emotionally strong enough to love me and raise them. I've had them 100% of the time for 13 years now.

Would you believe it always shocks me when I meet a man who not only loves his wife, but his kids, too? :eek: I can't even wrap my brain around it.

D'oh! I usually pick up on that. Sorry, ssandra. :o

OOps!! Totally didn't realise how old this post was :( I usually notice!

Heh - I certainly don't mind, since I stand behind every sentiment I said way-back when I wrote it the first time; only now it's being read freshly by a whole new set of viewers :)

Johnny Soporno
Worthy Playboy

I threw up a little in my mouth.

But I had an AWESOME father. He was the most with it guy, so intelligent, worldly, experienced, patient. Never yelled at me, never lost his temper. When he was disappointed in me I wanted to sink into the ground.

I mourned his death terribly. But that wasn't because we had a "quality" relationship, we had a quality + quantity relationship. He was retired when I was 8, and became the stay at home dad. Packed lunches, made breakfast, drove me to and from school so I never had to ride the bus.

That man loved me so much.

Anyways, dealing with fathers who don't have the energy to parent is a huge drag. I don't always have the energy to, either, but tough nuts. You do what you have to do, and do it the best that you can do.

I just don't have respect for quitters, when it comes to kids at least. I just don't think there's any excuse other than laziness from the OP.

An update would be awesome. I'm very much wondering if the advice helped the OP.

You should get that looked at...

That's fantastic! You were very fortunate indeed.

Overwhelmingly most people are born to fathers who are +/- 25 years older than their offspring, so your situation was exceptional, rather than normal.

Having to deal with kids you clearly and explicitly wanted NOT to have is also a monumental drag - both for the parent AND the kids.

Your projecting rather a lot here, Lak^2 ;)

Having energy or not is not the issue - the issue is whether one can avoid demonstrating perceivable reticence to the children they must attend, WHO NEED ATTENTION simply because they are kids.

You were fully immersed in a loving and supportive relationship with your own father - so you've got your own opinion of what a responsible adult male does when tending for his kids - but try to recognize that not everyone chooses to generate babies, nor to undertake to raise children. This is a lifestyle choice.

The OP didn't quit - he got conscripted against his will. He has done a stand-up job the entire time, but finds himself resenting his circumstances, and knowing that the kids will ultimately sense his discontent, and will feel responsible for his embittered state. Therefore he came to me to see if I might help him find an appropriate and realistic frame from which to present the case to his ex-wife which would best remedy the dilemma.

Johnny Soporno
Manumissionary

You think Lakshi was projecting? Watch this:

That statement is the most complete uttter bit of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ I've ever read on this forum. What a crock. He didn't get 'conscripted' into anything. You wanna dip your wick, you take your chances, pill or no. So she got pregnant. Too f***ing bad. Now grow the f**k up and deal with it.

He had them seven days a week? Oh, you mean just like countless single mothers out there who had some man knock them up, then disappear? While holding down one or more jobs?

He didn't really want them? Well he got em, now he's finding out that the universe doesn't in fact revolve around him. What a crying shame.

I'd be real interested in seeing how this has developed over the last year and a half. Did he man-up and own his life's responsibilities and deal with his own 'discontent' and 'embittered state' for the sake of his kids? Or split entirely? Or begrudgingly spend time with the kids and screw them up with his 'don't really want this' attitude?

Some of us have busted out ass for years and years trying to even have one and never got there. I'd do anything to be in his position of having the joy and the responsibility of a couple of kids seven days a week for the next twenty years. I'd kick the OPs ass and anyone else's too to get it.

Spare the psycho babble analysis about what I just said. I already know. Probably should have stayed out of this thread.

Well if anyone else has kids they don't want, send them to me. I'll take them.................

Yeah... I know this is an old thread but I'd love to know what happened here.

Usually I think Johnny Soporno is pretty onto it but I'm pretty disappointed with his advice to a serial adulterer who resents the fact that his wife did not wish to have an invasive medical procedure to remove the children that she conceived while explicitly attempting to avoid such a situation.

I'm not sure 'you're an alpha male, and therefore it's okay to further abandon your part-time responsibilities to your children' advice is reasonable.

If he was so dead set against children, HE should have been the one to have the invasive medical procedure to ensure that he didn't find himself in this situation. Apparently he didn't want to go to the trouble, or to the trouble of telling his wife he did not want children for fear that he would lose his access to regular sex, or something.

He didn't do that, and now he has two living, breathing dependent children (TWO, I repeat. He did not even get the snip after the first child, when it became evident that a) his wife was able to get pregnant on contraception and b) they had conflicting ideas about the way forward in the instance that she did fall pregnant). Although he tries to come across in the letter like he's being responsible, the fact that he wrote to JS at all suggests to me that he was looking for someone to pat him on the head and tell him 'It's okay to shuck off your responsibilties! You're not cut out to be a dad; it would be worse for you to try to be a good one! Don't let the promises you made in the past tie you down today and stop you from being all the man you were meant to be!'

This isn't an 'alpha male' we're talking about here. It's a wimpy, selfish man-child, sulking because he doesn't want to live up to the responsibilities that he signed up for when getting married and having sex. No wonder people like LostMyMap are disgusted.

I was out on an after dark jog just now, and I was thinking exactly this. Snip, snip...

I deleted my original post on this, because I realised it was an old thread. BUT what I felt at the time, and what I feel now... is that the ONLY problem was that after separating BOTH parents had 50/50 custody.

My question is WHY?

Mom probably desperately misses her kids when she doesn't have them (especially as she's a working mom so even when she's with them doesn't get them all day), while Dad really resents the time he has to spend with them.

Sooo... why not do a more "traditional" split, where Dad has access to his kids one weekend a fortnight, and Mom has the kids the rest of the time? It seems to me like it would work out well in this case, and may make Dad appreciate the time he has with his kids more.

I'm just stunned that they got 50/50 custody in the first place... I'm not sure why this wasn't better discussed by them when they separated???

So what I would like to know is what's the current situation? Have they resolved this? I would be heartbroken as a mother, if I had to lose access to my kids 50% of the time so they could be with a father who didn't want them... It's fine if the dad's a great dad who wants his kids... but a different story when he doesn't.

I'm not judging the OP at all in this... he didn't want kids, and he made that clear... kids happened anyway... S*&t happens, right? But for his ex-wife to lose all that precious time with the kids she loves and wanted to me is the tragedy here.

I could be wrong but it seemed to me that she is a doctor who works long hours on a fortnightly roster, so couldn't have the kids more often. In his words, "She, being a family-kind-of-woman, loves to have the kids and craves more time with them, but being a medical doctor doesn't allow her to take more than the 7 days she already got." I guess either her career is important to her as well, or she needs to work to support herself and the children.