Guys: If your girlfriend "let herself go..."

[elainevdw]

This came up in another thread, and it got me thinking. Guys, what would you think, feel, and do if your girlfriend "let herself go," so to speak? Gained 30 lbs, showered less frequently, started watching Netflix instead of going to the gym?

Ladies, feel free to chip in, too, of course!

I've had this conversation with my bf before, and his response was pretty interesting. (He didn't answer the question.) I'm not asking for advice, because my boyfriend is too awesome to dump somebody over something so superficial. But it did make me realize that it's important in a relationship, and I was interested to find out to what extent you think that's so, specifically by making you answer the age-old question: What would you do? What would you do?

Speaking for myself, I find that taking care of your body is attractive not only because it improves your physical appearance, but also because it improves your self-confidence, and your pride in your appearance. The latter actually makes more of an impression on me than the former (unless you just happen to be totally frickin' hot, in which case you probably know it, which in turn would increase your confidence, and thus attractiveness, exponentially). So what would I do if my boyfriend let himself go? Well, it depends, because the physical aspect of letting oneself go goes hand in hand with losing your pride. If it looked like his slump was becoming a permanent part of his personality, I'd have a tough decision to make, simply because it's important to me to have a well-adjusted and happy partner (understanding, of course, that people go through temporary slumps all the time). Him regaining confidence and pride would just happen to also improve his physical appearance, so we'd both win, all the way around!

[elainevdw]

I suppose another, related question is whether you'd consider it an affront to your dignity and independence to change your appearance to make your significant other happy. If they asked you, for example, to:

• Wear your hair long (or short) even though you'd rather wear it short (or long)
• Wear that sea green jacket they think looks great on you even though you think it's atrocious
• Grow a goatee even though you think they're itchy as hell and makes you look like a doofus
• Lose 30 lbs even though you think you're attractive just the way you are

What would you think? Would you feel hurt, because you thought you were uber attractive as-is, and it makes you feel like you're not good enough? Or would you feel happy to have the opportunity to do something special for them that they'd enjoy?

[smallstar]

What would I do? I think there are two cases:

* She just gained 30 lbs more than she should and is perfectly happy with it - I'll probably occasionally nag about her not accompanying me to the gym, and probably bring some more health foods from the shop (nothing that I wouldn't eat by myself). I will not bother trying to transform her against her values - if fat equals happy equals sexy and sexual, I have nothing to complain. Of course, if the real problem is something else (a depression of some sort), I'll try to handle that first and the symptom (weight gain) only after that.

* She just gained 30 lbs more, constantly asking if she is too fat and complaining that she won't fit into her clothes - I refuse to listen to such nonsense, drag her to the gym with me, force her to do 100 sit-ups at home every day and to use the dance pad until fatigued. Only when she quits complaining (for one reason or another), I will quit pressuring her.

[Steve MacLellan]

* Wear your hair long (or short) even though you'd rather wear it short (or long)
* Wear that sea green jacket they think looks great on you even though you think it's atrocious
* Grow a goatee even though you think they're itchy as hell and makes you look like a doofus
* Lose 30 lbs even though you think you're attractive just the way you are

If he's happy the way that he is, she should accept that. Healthy relationships are about sharing time together as a couple, without one dominating, manipulating and trying to change the other.

Regards,
Steve MacLellan

[John Wesley]

I'd be pissed. I would ask her what is wrong and why she lost all motivation. I would tell her I don't find her as attractive as I used to and that she should start working out again. And if she refused to do anything about it I would probably break up with her.

Call me superficial if you'd like, but gaining 30 lbs. is a sign of sloth and depression. I would try and help her if I could, but if she is happy that way doesn't want to make an effort, I would have to do something about it. One of the reasons you start dating a person is physical attraction, if that changes, so does the relationship. It would be stupid to stay with someone who doesn't care about making you happy and is holding you back.

[Matthew Shea]

I'd be very concerned in that I'd see it as a symptom of a bigger problem. The first thing I'd want to know is why she gained 30 lbs. The answer to that question would determine my course of action. If it's a matter of depression or some major life event that changed her outlook, I'd do my best to help her recover and regain her self confidence. If it was just pure slovenliness, I'd consider a breakup. This is assuming a girlfriend, not a wife. I would never consider a divorce over such an issue unless the root cause of the weight gain also caused unresolvable differences that caused the marriage to break up. Having said this, I feel very fortunate that I've never had to deal with this issue. After 7 years and one pregnancy she's still the same size she was when I met her.

As for the second question, my wife wanted me to grow a mustache practically ever since we met. After a few years I finally gave in, despite the fact that I knew it wouldn't look good. When I finally did grow it, no one explicitly criticized it, but I knew from people's reactions that they didn't like it. I should say at this point that I was wearing a goatee at the time, decided to shave it and, for her sake, left the mustache for a while. After a few months, I shaved the mustache. A while later, she admitted that it didn't look good and she was sorry for having insisted on it. I suppose the whole point of this longwinded story is that I made a change to my appearance despite the fact that I knew it wouldn't look good, but it was for the good of our relationship and I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it was for her sake. I think the key in this case was that it was something she genuinely wanted and thought would truly make me more attractive. In other words, she did it more for me than for herself. If her motivations were more selfish, I probably would not have given in.

[Cron]

The issue of looks is one of those things where people don't say what is true, even to themselves.

Looks count.

In my opinion, what separates shallow from non-shallow people is if looks are all that count.

As you wrote, somebody letting themselves go can also be an indicator of negative changes in their character that a partner may not want to live with.

Honestly,.... a woman letting her looks go can change how attractive a male partner finds her and can decrease his enjoyment of sex.

What would I do? Sit my partner down and have an honest talk about it, trying my best to be non-offensive as well as respectful. After that I would give her time to see if she is making an effort to change. If not, I would try 2-3 more times with a talk before deciding to try something else (like reevaluating the relationship ).

This all depends on how far things have gone. I wouldn't make a big deal about a small letting go and even if she let herself go to hell it would be a matter if her personality changed or not. Everybody finds themselves in a rut. If the person is trying that is one thing, if she has given up that is another.

[Trina]

I am a woman so I will say how I would feel if my husband let himself go...

Well, if he gained weight and completely changed his lifestyle, I would assume it was because there was something else going on. I wouldn't be as concerned with his weight as I would be with his happiness. Whatever stress or issue was effecting him and caused the problem would be what I addressed, not just the weight itself. If the weight gain was caused by something else, like perhaps a busier schedule and less time to eat healthy, I would offer him healthy meals at home and urge him to make better choices for the sake of his health (because I want him around for a LONG time), but I wouldn't tell him I wasn't attracted to him anymore and he had to lose weight to keep me. I wouldn't feel that way.

I think that one thing that some men need to realize is that just because a woman gains weight, that doesn't mean she is letting herself go (and same with men gaining weight). Sometimes people get busy, their lives get hectic, and they make the quick choice instead of the healthy one. That doesn't mean they are consciously slacking on taking care of themselves. It's not a big "Screw you I don't love you enough to look good for you." Also, with women especially, the older we get the more weight we are prone to gain because of hormonal changes in our bodies. We can't help it! So, unless you want to date a man or spend your time trying to find that one lucky woman out of thousands of average women whose hormonal changes doesn't have as much of an effect on, then just accept it and move on. It would be silly to dump a woman over weight if that were the case. Unfortunately because of the societal pressure on women to look a certain way all the time, when they gain weight they gain guilt as well, even if the weight gain isn't something they brought on themselves through their lifestyle. Then that just brings on a whole other miriad of issues. Especially when the woman is a pleaser, which most women I know are. Damn that maternal instinct. LOL.

Then there are people like me that gained weight because of the GOOD choices I made in my life. Thankfully I have a husband who can recognize that and would NEVER leave me over some extra weight. I am happy with myself, and while I will never stop trying to live a healthy life and lose weight to make myself happy, I would never do it just for him and he is okay with that. He prefers it that way. And that is why he is a good man. Being in a relationship should be about helping each other, and caring about each others happiness, not jsut their weight.

JMHO.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by Trina

I am a woman so I will say how I would feel if my husband let himself go...

Well, if he gained weight and completely changed his lifestyle, I would assume it was because there was something else going on. I wouldn't be as concerned with his weight as I would be with his happiness. Whatever stress or issue was effecting him and caused the problem would be what I addressed, not just the weight itself. If the weight gain was caused by something else, like perhaps a busier schedule and less time to eat healthy, I would offer him healthy meals at home and urge him to make better choices for the sake of his health (because I want him around for a LONG time), but I wouldn't tell him I wasn't attracted to him anymore and he had to lose weight to keep me. I wouldn't feel that way.

I think that one thing that some men need to realize is that just because a woman gains weight, that doesn't mean she is letting herself go (and same with men gaining weight). Sometimes people get busy, their lives get hectic, and they make the quick choice instead of the healthy one. That doesn't mean they are consciously slacking on taking care of themselves. It's not a big "Screw you I don't love you enough to look good for you." Also, with women especially, the older we get the more weight we are prone to gain because of hormonal changes in our bodies. We can't help it! So, unless you want to date a man or spend your time trying to find that one lucky woman out of thousands of average women whose hormonal changes doesn't have as much of an effect on, then just accept it and move on. It would be silly to dump a woman over weight if that were the case. Unfortunately because of the societal pressure on women to look a certain way all the time, when they gain weight they gain guilt as well, even if the weight gain isn't something they brought on themselves through their lifestyle. Then that just brings on a whole other miriad of issues. Especially when the woman is a pleaser, which most women I know are. Damn that maternal instinct. LOL.

Then there are people like me that gained weight because of the GOOD choices I made in my life. Thankfully I have a husband who can recognize that and would NEVER leave me over some extra weight. I am happy with myself, and while I will never stop trying to live a healthy life and lose weight to make myself happy, I would never do it just for him and he is okay with that. He prefers it that way. And that is why he is a good man. Being in a relationship should be about helping each other, and caring about each others happiness, not jsut their weight.

JMHO.

Same here.

[openeyes]

As others have mentioned, I'd mostly be concerned about why she might have gained the weight, and want to make sure things are okay. I've found over the last few years that I can enjoy people of all shapes and sizes, male or female, young or old.

The physical part isn't the determining factor. Naturally I'm most interested in people that show signs of taking care of themselves, but that's simply a sign of self esteem. If anything, I would prefer a woman with some fat over one who is bony. Many of the hormones that help one enjoy life require one have some heft.

Of course, this might be different if monogamy were a necessary part of my relationships. By keeping things open, no one person has to be perfect, instead they can simply be appreciated for who they are.

[elainevdw]

Okay people, what about those of you whose first response to anybody having relationship problems is, "Lose some weight and wear attractive clothes!" Those sorts of replies are scattered all throughout this forum, but are strangely lacking in this thread. We've only got one of those responses here.

[Cron]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

I suppose another, related question is whether you'd consider it an affront to your dignity and independence to change your appearance to make your significant other happy.

I might feel slightly hurt about being asked to change my weight, but like every other North American I have my psychology tied into my fat cells.

I wouldn't have a problem otherwise. An SO would be the person I am trying to look good for. Unless they wanted me to do a style that is really not me.

[Angela]

"Take good care of you body and present yourself attractively to your mate!"
is how I'd put it.

I believe if I'm in a committed relationship, I have a responsibility as a partner to do my best to keep myself healthy, fit, and looking good and feeling sexy. Fortunately, Danger Man feels the same way.

I'm not talking Tammy Faye here -- no need to wake before he does and put on mascara. And of course there are extraneous circumstances in which these priorities fall by the wayside. But if I develop a habit of letting other priorities creep up and take over self-care, I'm not really keeping my end of the bargain.

[mattsonn]

I don't know how I would react. It's absolutely surreal how many women have done this. That and our country's divorce rate.

[Trina]

I forgot to answer the other part... LOL.

I always want to look good for my SO, but at the same time expect him to find me attractive no matter what. How wishy washy and stereotypically female minded does that sound. LMAO. Of course, the thought of letting myself go and forcing him to deal with whatever happens no matter what would never cross my mind. So, I expect him to find me attractive no matter what because I would never let myself go unless there was something else going on that was completely outside of him. And if he loves me will help me with that, and not just hound me about weight.

I would NEVER wake up before him to make myself pretty, or even wear make-up every day to please him, or any of that. I wear PJ's all the time. I am always home, and I don't see the point in wearing uncomfortable clothes in my own house. He married me knowing my complete addiction to PJ pants and knowing that I don't do make-up except on special occasions, and is used to me being exactly that way. So, if he all of a sudden wanted me to change that I would be really put off by it.

[andrew]

To an extent I wouldn't mind, but 30lbs of fat is a lot. If somebody gains that much, there's usually a reason behind it. Attitude is imortant too, if they don't care about themselves, then I wouldn't be with them in the first place. IF they stopped caring about themselves, then it's different.

If they totally changed into a slob like that, and it wasn't just an understandable issue, then yes, see ya later. I take care of myself and I expect my mate to do that same. I have high standards, and I feel your appearence somewhat refelcts your personality.

[JoannaC]

I find this thread a little disturbing, actually. There can be so much more than just laziness at play, and it's a little sad how many of you seem to imply you would just run. Did it ever occur to you that maybe YOU might have unrealistic expectations? I remember seeing a guy on Dr. Phil who was upset that eight months after his wife had their baby, she was not back to her pre-pregnancy weight. He felt she was lazy not to go to the gym. Dr. Phil explained to him that after having a baby, her hormones were still not back to normal, she was sleep-deprived from caring for the baby, she was devoting a large part of the energy she did have to the helpless infant and not herself, and that the baby was too young to be left in gym day care, and anyway, if she did go with the baby, it would be all of this extra work on top of the workout to pack up all the baby's things, get it dressed to go out, pack up baby and gear in the car etc. Basically, the guy had completely unrealistic expectations of what should happen and when it should happen. 'High standards' to me in such a case implies a lack of compassion.

[belugagirl]

My Honey has a tummy
Always has and always will
He thinks it's very funny
that I grope and squeeze it still.

I love my love's love handles
They're cute and sexy, too
But when they grow a touch too big
I know just what to do:

I tell my handled Honey--
but I never will rebuff--
That to hug him with such tummy
Doesn't let me close enough!


May you all find Honeys with "handles" you can handle!

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by Trina

I always want to look good for my SO, but at the same time expect him to find me attractive no matter what. How wishy washy and stereotypically female minded does that sound. LMAO. Of course, the thought of letting myself go and forcing him to deal with whatever happens no matter what would never cross my mind. So, I expect him to find me attractive no matter what because I would never let myself go unless there was something else going on that was completely outside of him. And if he loves me will help me with that, and not just hound me about weight.

As convoluted as that sounds... I know exactly what you mean, Trina!

And regarding PJ pants, I recently discovered that the most horrific pair of frumpy pink fleece PJ pants I own is a secret favorite of my bf. He says it shows off my butt, but I really don't see where he's coming from!

Belugagirl -- that made me giggle! Thanks!

[Michael Chui]

Speaking for a friend, he'd be absolutely overjoyed. On one level, anyways.

Speaking for myself, I'd be curious as to why. If I had a girlfriend, I'd expect a good answer from her. I'd also ask if she suddenly lost 30 lbs, stopped showering often and watching movies and started going to the gym daily. Point being that drastic change has motivation behind it, and I'd like to know what it is.

[Scipio]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

This came up in another thread, and it got me thinking. Guys, what would you think, feel, and do if your girlfriend "let herself go," so to speak? Gained 30 lbs, showered less frequently, started watching Netflix instead of going to the gym?

I would lose her immediately. Showering and not taking care of yourself are not just physically unappealing but are personality problems. I am too good to waste my time with anyone like that.


Additionally: Men and women are attracted to eachother a little bit differently. A woman losing her body is like a man losing his personality. If you're a woman, imagine your man becoming a jerk, or boring, as the equivalent.

[andrew]

Valid point. It's HARDWIRED into men to be more attracted to looks. I really don't see why people supress this. Sure it's shallow if it's THE ONLY THING, but there's no reason that you can't be both physicaly attractive and personality wise. There's no right or wrong about it, it's just how it is. There's so many people on this planet, there's no reason you can't have high standards. And likes stated, everyone has different 'high standards'. Not everyone wants a super model.

There are special cases, sure, but we're not talking about that, we're saying just a girlfriend, not a wife or long term friend/mate. And it's not like it's a white or black thing, it would be overtime. You don't stop showering and become a slob and gain 30 lbs in a few days.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by andrew

Valid point. It's HARDWIRED into men to be more attracted to looks. I really don't see why people supress this.

One valid reason to suppress it is when physical attractiveness is not what you're looking for in a mate. It happens. Say, for instance, you're looking for a mate solely to appease your parents. In which case, physical attractiveness isn't what ultimately determines your choice, but acceptability to your parents. It's a valid reason.

[Scipio]

That is an invalid reason though.

[Cron]

Originally Posted by JoannaC

I find this thread a little disturbing, actually. There can be so much more than just laziness at play, and it's a little sad how many of you seem to imply you would just run.

Once in a relationship most people will stick with a partner through his/her ups and downs, including weight issues. What I find valuable about this thread is that it is honest that despite some slack, letting go of one's appearance.....or one's self is a stressor in a relationship.

Many people are not honest about that, to others or themselves.

Better to know what is going on so you can deal with it.

[Dave Kaminski]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

I'm not asking for advice, because my boyfriend is too awesome to dump somebody over something so superficial.

I don't feel that weight health and motivation are superficial at all, as they are manifestations of actions and character traits of that person. I wouldn't want to be with someone who did stuff like that, even if we were millionaires and retired. You've got to have some drive and inspiration or you're kinda just wasting away don't you think?

My friends and I were talking about this and I was saying that I don't like to hang out with really overweight people and they said they feel the same way but they feel shallow. However, I told them not to.

It's not shallow to put 2 & 2 together and realize that this is the result of the actions that these people take daily. Anyone can grow, it's difficult but it's not THAT hard.

However, no one is perfect. So don't be SO quick to judge either. I'm certainly not. Just saying that people who are way overweight and without motivation are different, not just physically but in essence, as those people who are in shape and motivated.

[Scorpio]

Not showering or otherwise maintaining personal hygiene is more of a deal breaker than gaining weight. Her just becoming more of a boring home body is a different issue too, though not as bad.

One thing I don't think anyone has mentioned is that you don't just wake up one day and *ohmygod!*, your partner is 30 pounds heavier. If my girlfriend started gaining weight I would have mentioned it a lot earlier. At 10 pounds I'd probably say something.

On the whole though a woman gaining weight in a relationship is a complex issue. One big reason for weight gain is the woman feeling bored/depressed/unhappy. In that case the guy reacting negatively to it can just make the problem worse... though he's tied into the reason she gained it in the first place... it's complicated.

I also second all the posters who said "guys care about looks, expecting otherwise is unrealistic". We're attracted to the whole package, but if one or more elements starts to slide, our attraction levels are naturally going to go down.

[mattsonn]

Originally Posted by belugagirl

My Honey has a tummy
Always has and always will
He thinks it's very funny
that I grope and squeeze it still.

I love my love's love handles
They're cute and sexy, too
But when they grow a touch too big
I know just what to do:

I tell my handled Honey--
but I never will rebuff--
That to hug him with such tummy
Doesn't let me close enough!


May you all find Honeys with "handles" you can handle!

Lol, thanks for sharing that post. I really appreciate it.

[ferociousgoals]

Whew, I've read a bunch of threads today that have made me VERY happy to be a lesbian!! So many assumptions about the ways men or women are and how heterosexual relationships work that I don't have to deal with. Speaking of, is there anyone else here who is gay? I don't think I've noticed anyone else.

In answer to the question: depending on the reason for the gain, I wouldn't necessarily break up with a partner if she gained weight or went slovenly--temporarily. It would absolutely affect how attracted I was to her and how I felt about sex, because unlike the stereotypes thrown about, I do care about visual attractiveness and consider sex a major part of my relationships. I would try to get involved earlier on during whatever was causing the change (one of my exs became very depressed after the death of her sister and it did take a few months of sloth and unhappiness for her to heal *on her own time, not mine* and come back to herself), and if I saw that she wasn't going to address the problems, I would re-evaluate the relationship based on that.

[Brien]

Short answer: I'd probably have to let her go too. Self-respect is a very important quality to me, I probably couldn't stay in a relationship where she demonstrated a lack thereof. Temporary slipping that could be explained by some other problem is a different matter.

But yes, aside from how it relates to self-respect, physical fitness/attractiveness is important to me, especially as it relates to sex.