Guys: If your girlfriend "let herself go..."

[James81]

Those two statements seem incongruent to me:

Originally Posted by elainevdw

I'm not asking for advice, because my boyfriend is too awesome to dump somebody over something so superficial.

Originally Posted by elainevdw

Speaking for myself, I find that taking care of your body is attractive not only because it improves your physical appearance, but also because it improves your self-confidence, and your pride in your appearance.

If it's superficial, then taking care of your body wouldn't improve self confidence because self confidence isn't a superficial trait.

I think the whole "won't dump somebody over something so superficial" is a bit of a programmed response based on pervading beliefs in our society that get reinforced in us through media sources.

And I don't think that people buy it. I think most people, like you, understand that the outside is just a measure of what is inside. So letting the outside go means that there is something inside that has been let go as well. Or there is something inside that was never put there in the first place and old age happens.

And you're also right that most people won't out and out dump someone just because they gained 30 lbs. But what might happen is that someone will gain 30 lbs, they'll lose their attraction for that person which affects the sex life. The affect sex life will create tension in the relationship which will spiral into other problems and issues which will destroy the relationship.

Ask me how I know this.

[Daffy Duck]

I don't mind some weight. Humans naturally have some weight changes, especially women when they become pregnant, or other factors like some medical conditions. However, this whole idea of "letting oneself go" is laziness to me. If someone continues to let themselves go for a long period of time, I may decide to let them go as well. Our health is arguably the most important thing we have... I don't find it effective to "let that go."

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Red1221

I ask myself whether his lack of sex drive and sexual attractiveness to me is seriously about me or him!!!

How could I ever know.

If you're asking yourself about his feelings, you're asking the wrong person, Red. Open hailing frequencies if you want to get a useful answer. Listen generously, and you'll get the feedback you need to know what the right next step is for you.

[Mogget]

If my partners behaviour radically changed in ways that affected his health and self esteem I would be concerned for him and initiate conversations to find out what is causing the slump and how to get past it. I want to help him have a life that he is happy with.

If he had developed some slovenly habits just out of lazyness I would encourage with positive reinforcement a move back towards better personal grooming (eg go hose yourself down and then we can nookie!) rather than criticism or rejection of the poor habit (back off stank man, no nookie for you!)

My fiance did gain quite a bit of weight once we moved in together as a result of getting fed regular meals - I didn't say anything about it as I was extremely overweight myself - but when I went on my weight loss journey I talked a lot about my progress and what I was doing and he has picked up on that which has made a big difference - when I took up personal training I encouraged him to try it and he LOVES it - so we are now both getting slimmer and buffer and enjoying it very much. While I was always attracted to him there is no doubt that he is more sexually attractive to me now that he is getting trimmer... and he feels the same about me.

[Mogget]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

I suppose another, related question is whether you'd consider it an affront to your dignity and independence to change your appearance to make your significant other happy. If they asked you, for example, to:

• Wear your hair long (or short) even though you'd rather wear it short (or long)
• Wear that sea green jacket they think looks great on you even though you think it's atrocious
• Grow a goatee even though you think they're itchy as hell and makes you look like a doofus
• Lose 30 lbs even though you think you're attractive just the way you are

What would you think? Would you feel hurt, because you thought you were uber attractive as-is, and it makes you feel like you're not good enough? Or would you feel happy to have the opportunity to do something special for them that they'd enjoy?

I absolutely will go out of my way to be more attractive for my partner if there is something he particularly mentions or asks for - I love it when I get some feedback about a particular hair style or outfit. I would probably draw the line at growing a goatee though....

Of course it's all in the way they say it - "I love how blue picks out the color of your eyes..." makes me want to wear blue and flutter my eyelashes... "You look like crap in pink" would make me want to punch him in the neck.

I can't imagine a good outcome of a scenario where my partner told me to 'lose 30 pounds' (even though I am currently very overweight - it would be so very confrontational and shaming to have said to me that I think it would speak of a great inequality in the relationship and a lack of respect).... this would be even worse if I already felt I was at a good weight for me and I would probably lose 180 pounds by leaving him...

However he absolutely could say something like "I would love to learn swing dancing with you, how about it?" And when i protest that I want to but am too fat then he could say "Does your weight bother you? Is it something you want to change? Is there any way I can support you in that?" and show a preference for me to be lighter... that would be fine.

Positive feedback is also good - my fiance comments very frequently on how much weight I have lost and how great I am looking - this really makes me want to continue and stay motivated. I never told him he was getting plump but I have commented a lot now that he is getting leaner, telling him that he is looking hot.

[whitehawkman]

My wife of 25 years is quite an amount overweight and always has been. In European sizes a size 24ish. Why should it be an issue is my view on it. I know its because she has low self esteem, I know she eats for comfort because of a lack of attention when younger. I know she would benefit health wise and boost her self esteem no end if she lost some. Guess what, never made it my business. I love her however she looks. Because I love her I have the hots for her however she looks. She is beautiful inside and out. If she ever loses any she does it for herself, I will not allow her to do it for me...wont work. We have a very healthy love life thank you and always will I hope.