Guys: If your girlfriend "let herself go..."

[Cron]

Originally Posted by ferociousgoals

Whew, I've read a bunch of threads today that have made me VERY happy to be a lesbian!! So many assumptions about the ways men or women are and how heterosexual relationships work that I don't have to deal with. Speaking of, is there anyone else here who is gay? I don't think I've noticed anyone else.

In answer to the question: depending on the reason for the gain, I wouldn't necessarily break up with a partner if she gained weight or went slovenly--temporarily. It would absolutely affect how attracted I was to her and how I felt about sex, because unlike the stereotypes thrown about, I do care about visual attractiveness and consider sex a major part of my relationships.

How is what you describe in the second quoted paragraph above any different from what you attribute to heterosexuals in the first paragraph? The second paragraph is pretty representative of most of the replies in this thread.

[elainevdw]

What a great discussion!

As Scorpio brought up in another thread, women can fall into the trap of thinking it unfair for guys to care about our appearances as long as we're winners on the inside. Or, take gender out of it: It's unfair for a person to care about the appearance of their lover as long as they're a good person.

I think we're deluding ourselves. Not only about that situation existing (which it apparently doesn't), but for thinking that it's an ideal situation.

Do you folks think it would be an ideal world if nobody cared what anybody else looked like? Be honest, here!

Things like weight and hygiene are not only indicators of underlying problems, but when properly maintained, can be motivating, personally enjoyable, or even something you do to make your partner happy.

It's like a checks-and-balances thing. And would our health and happiness be more likely to go way out of whack if we didn't have this built-in desire to date people we find attractive and keep them that way? (Meaning, keep them appropriately attractive; the opposite of trying to dress your 50-year-old wife like a crash-dieting co-ed.)

Ferociousgoals, I know there are other gay posters, but the subject only comes up where it's applicable. Though I'm not so sure this a solely hetero problem, now, either! I would believe that there's a biological reason for visuals to be more of a deal-breaker for men than women. But women are very capable of being catty towards each other about appearances, and I don't see why that would be different in a romantic relationship between two women. What do you think? Any gay or bi guys want to comment, too?

Dave, thanks for your post too -- it got me thinking, but perhaps it deserves its own thread.

[Holistic Star]

Reading the posts I'm glad I met the man who is my husband! Six months into my marriage last year I was put on drugs that resulted in a 1.5 stone (21lbs) weight gain in 5 weeks. I'.m only 5ft 3 so the weight difference is noticable. Added to that when I came off the drugs I had a massive backlash reaction to them and ended up with eczema over most of my body including my face.

So going from a confident, sexy person to someone wearing baggy long sleeved clothing and didn't want to show their face in public in a short space of time was a shock for both of us. H is very fashion and image conscious and looking good is important to him. Getting well and clearing up my skin has been a long battle and I have good days when it clears for a bit and bad days when it flares up. Although it is now nearly mended, there were times when I felt hopeless at ever getting better again.

Every day, and I mean every day since this happened, my husband has kissed me and told me how pretty and gorgeous I am and told me he loves me. If he had walked away saying that he was only interested in good looking women I would have been devestated. Because he has supported me through these difficult times I know that our relationship is based on something much more solid than looks and I trust it to last for the long term. I feel very lucky to have met such a man.

[Angela]

Holistic Star, it sounds like you've got a lovely, loving supportive partnership going there. That's wonderful.

But what you've gone through isn't at all the "letting yourself go" that some posters have objected to. "Letting yourself go" would be if, out of laziness or passive aggression or willful disobedience, you just said to hell with it and stopped caring about your own health, fitness and appearance.

You are a strong woman who is determined to be vital and well and a good partner, despite shocking and very upsetting challenges. Your husband is also very lucky to have you!

[SydneyDave]

If I was in a relationship with a girl and she put on that much weight, I'd have issues with it but I believe I would be patient and supportive and do everything I could to help them improve their lifestyle.

In the past I've noticed that speaking about the benefits of diet or exercise casually in conversation can help someone gradually change their habits. I have also made jokes about certain fast food outlets being disgusting etc, any by keeping it light hearted that seems to help.
("Ahh ... large mc Coronary meal eh?")

Not showering is definitely a deal breaker. My plumbing has an issue at the moment and I had a cold shower at 7am :P (but then again it is summer) hygeine is definitely important to me!

In a case such as Holistic described, theres no way I would abandon a girl I was already in a relationship with or married to, who had problems with appearance due to illness or something beyond their control ...

[Lucas]

One philosophy I have taken on in the past year that really helps, is that if I have a problem with someone else, I look inside myself and see if it is a problem with me, and if I am projecting these changes outward. Say my significant other were to gain 50 pounds, I would look at myself first and see if I am creating this, or perpetuating it. Am I eating unhealthy, not exercising, promoting this type of lifestyle? Am I not being supportive of her? When she says things about her weight, do I just brush it off or make an effort to get her to change? I find that when I fix the problems with me, my environment tends to follow. So no, I would not "let her go for letting herself go". However I think that if she were to never want to change, and likes being fat (I am slightly overweight and its not comfortable, you cant convince me otherwise), then maybe I would end the relationship, but I would still have to make sure its not me creating it.

[Milo Riano]

Let me ask you all a question: What if you were diagnosed with cancer or any physical distorting illness, would you want people to let you go?

What if you had an accident and your face gets the hit, would you want her to let you go?

Her problems wouldn't be that too bad and you could be there to help her get motivated.

[Erock]

Man this thread is a tough one. I don't know why I'm replying, but I'm going to have to be honest with myself: I would be angry at my girlfriend if she let herself go. I've actually never had a girlfriend, and don't intend to for a long time, because I'm trying to avoid many of the issues that seem to go hand in hand with young relationships. Honesty is my policy and I usually tell girls I'm just looking to have fun and if they want to join they are welcome to come along.

Erock

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

Do you folks think it would be an ideal world if nobody cared what anybody else looked like? Be honest, here!

How would that be ideal? Ideal is here, now, getting better.

But answering the spirit of the question, nevertheless, it would not be a better world, because caring about appearances is not the actual culprit. There's nothing wrong with, say, a fashion freak if he wasn't a jerk about it.

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by Milo Riano

Let me ask you all a question: What if you were diagnosed with cancer or any physical distorting illness, would you want people to let you go?

What if you had an accident and your face gets the hit, would you want her to let you go?

Her problems wouldn't be that too bad and you could be there to help her get motivated.

I think we've defined "letting oneself go" as a conscious choice, or the results of a particular state of mind.

It's clear to me by the many great posts in this thread that those of us in committed, long-term relationships (such as marriage) support our partners (and are supported by partners) in situations where it's out of our control... And in many cases, go beyond that by sticking with and helping their partner get through a tough spot where it isn't out of their control.

[Cron]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

What a great discussion!

As Scorpio brought up in another thread, women can fall into the trap of thinking it unfair for guys to care about our appearances as long as we're winners on the inside. Or, take gender out of it: It's unfair for a person to care about the appearance of their lover as long as they're a good person.

It is the very old observation/problem of people telling themselves what they would like to believe versus accepting what the reality is. This is complicated by people not speaking honestly about truths they think they are unflattering. People don't like to admit that looks matter or that material success matters. These issues effect both sexes with the former being a bigger problem for women, the latter being a bigger problem for men.

Again, FWIW, starting off with the real world, I think people become shallow when these things are the only things that matter.

Do you folks think it would be an ideal world if nobody cared what anybody else looked like? Be honest, here!

Never happen. It is just the way we are built. Culture and psychology may shift what people perceive as good looking, but people will always judge other people.....to a minimum extent by appearance.

Ferociousgoals, I know there are other gay posters, but the subject only comes up where it's applicable. Though I'm not so sure this a solely hetero problem, now, either!

Gay men are supposed to be the worst in terms of being forgiving for less than perfect looks. Gay women have their own standards too. I have heard gay women talking about other women. They notice looks, they have fetishes, maybe not the same ones straight men do in women, but they have them.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

Do you folks think it would be an ideal world if nobody cared what anybody else looked like? Be honest, here!

What change would be required if we were to stop caring what anybody else looked like? Why do we currently care about what others look like? I suspect it's partially biological imperative; an attractive, fit, well groomed mate is one more likely to produce equally suitable offspring than one who is more slothful. If we didn't care because we lost that biological imperative, say bye bye humans!

For some it's self-gratifying. We like being with people we consider attractive and choose to partner ourselves with such a person. For guys that usually means someone physically attractive, for women that component typically plays a lesser part. If we lost that desire then we've lost part of our desire to indulge our pleasures. Some would say that's not a bad thing

I believe it's also a reflection of self-pride. We care about what others look like in a similar way to our care for our own appearance. Some more so than others, some less. If we stopped caring about how we appeared then we'd probably stop caring about others as well. And that would probably extend to things around us. Wave goodbye to aesthetic values!

On a lighter note, I think that if I had a girlfriend she would be happy if I put on 30lbs. I'm about that much under the average weight for my height

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

For guys that usually means someone physically attractive, for women that component typically plays a lesser part.

You might be right. I had a fiance who "let himself go" not in the looks department so much, he looked fine, but in the vitality department -- lots of tv watching, eating pounds of sugary treats, drinking excessively. We're disengaged now.

I read somewhere that men fall in love with a woman they find attractive, and women find attractive a man they fall in love with. Women may be a little more forgiving when it comes to weight gain, but probably not when it comes to being a slug.

[Dani]

Originally Posted by Scorpio

I also second all the posters who said "guys care about looks, expecting otherwise is unrealistic". We're attracted to the whole package, but if one or more elements starts to slide, our attraction levels are naturally going to go down.

This is an interesting quote, and the ones related to it.

I want to point out that my points below are based on something fundamental to a persons character, and NOT based around temporary events which are usually obvious.

Some people simply act differently when you are dating, when you get serious, and when you get married. If your partner changes on these circumstances I think a re-evaluation is natural and good.

It's considered very politically incorrect to dump/reject a person because of their looks. But it is usually perfectly acceptable to do so if their personality is unattractive.

Why are the two treated differently? If my partner's body shape changed, there is just as much chance of my feelings changing as if her personality changed. The primary one here though would be feelings of sexual attraction to her.

It wouldn't make her any less desireable to talk to, but when the roll in the hay becomes the heave, lever, lift and hernia in the hay, it looses it's appeal.

On the flip side if she became a b$#% or abusive, but was hot as heck then I would probably still want to sleep with her, but apart from that not want spend any time with her.

Obviously neither of these is ideal, and a relationship that lacks sexual attraction or lacks friendship isn't going to be a satisfying one for either party.

If you aren't satisfied for any reason, physical, or personality, then you are probably with the wrong partner.

Because of my own feelings on this I do my best to keep my physical appearance appealing to my partner, and my temperament also. If my partner doesn't have the same self respect and respect for their partner, then we won't last long. Not because one of us is better than the other, but simply because we are incompatible.

If your partners body, or temperament change when your realtionship curcumstances do, (eg getting married or becoming boyfriend etc.) Then it's like buying a product at a shop, then when you open it at home it's totally different and not at all what you wanted. What was ON the box is not what is IN the box.

Why are we obliged to keep the partner but returning the product which changed is perfectly acceptable?

[Isis Kali]

Originally Posted by andrew

Valid point. It's HARDWIRED into men to be more attracted to looks. I really don't see why people supress this. Sure it's shallow if it's THE ONLY THING, but there's no reason that you can't be both physicaly attractive and personality wise. There's no right or wrong about it, it's just how it is. There's so many people on this planet, there's no reason you can't have high standards. And likes stated, everyone has different 'high standards'. Not everyone wants a super model.

There are special cases, sure, but we're not talking about that, we're saying just a girlfriend, not a wife or long term friend/mate. And it's not like it's a white or black thing, it would be overtime. You don't stop showering and become a slob and gain 30 lbs in a few days.

Well, I must have grown a dick in the last five minutes, because I wouldn't stick around unless they had a good excuse.

I'm sorry, but it's not sexy to get smothered underneath a beer belly in bed. A hairy panza hanging over a tightly-belted waistband is NOT the look.

I will say this, however...if it's a sign of depression or something, you'll know from other signals that are also there. Lack of hygiene isn't always present with depression, but things like irritability, lack of enjoyment in your usual activities, etc, are. If you see a cluster of things like that, there's a problem. If you see your man sitting on his ass with the chips every damn night, he needs to wise up and know that complacency isn't acceptable.

With a woman, it's different. Baby weight, hormone fluctuations, redistribution of fat...men don't have those problems as intensely as women. I just really, really think that men stop giving a damn after they get comfortable; they think that they're safe, so they neglect a woman's desire and right to be turned on and stimulated by appearance. Let's face it: women are told to stay on point in order to keep things going, but men can be fat, obnoxious, and loud (look at all the commercials and shows with hot wives and gross, mean husbands) with no ramifications.

And B.O...okay, no. I would just come straight out and say, "Babe, this isn't the commune. Get it together and use some Axe."

Of course, we all change as we grow older, but I think it's pretty easy to draw a line and know the difference between aging and sloth.

(I'm sorry if I sound brash. I'm in a very guarded state as far as relationships are concerned right now, and I am realizing how much men really DO get completely lazy and unappreciative of what they have! )

[Trina]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Speaking for a friend, he'd be absolutely overjoyed. On one level, anyways.

LMAO! My husband is actually scared that if I lose too much weight, some of my more pronounced assets will disappear. LOL.

Originally Posted by elainevdw

As convoluted as that sounds... I know exactly what you mean, Trina!

And regarding PJ pants, I recently discovered that the most horrific pair of frumpy pink fleece PJ pants I own is a secret favorite of my bf. He says it shows off my butt, but I really don't see where he's coming from!

LOL! Well, I have some horrendous sweat pants that I wear sometimes in the winter because it gets freezing here and they are comfy. They are UGLY but my husband loves them b ecause of the way they feel and they way they fit. So see? Even PJ pants can be sexy. LOL.

Originally Posted by Dave Kaminski

My friends and I were talking about this and I was saying that I don't like to hang out with really overweight people and they said they feel the same way but they feel shallow. However, I told them not to.

It's not shallow to put 2 & 2 together and realize that this is the result of the actions that these people take daily. Anyone can grow, it's difficult but it's not THAT hard.

However, no one is perfect. So don't be SO quick to judge either. I'm certainly not. Just saying that people who are way overweight and without motivation are different, not just physically but in essence, as those people who are in shape and motivated.

I have to admit it bothers me that you and your friends don't like to hang out with overweight people. And enough to actually talk about it and reassure each other that it's okay. I personally would NEVER discriminate against someone like that, especially when we are just talking about friendship, not even romantic relationships here. Just because someone has issues with maintaining the kind of weight you find acceptable to be worthy of your friendship doesn't mean that they lack other qualities you could greatly benefit from. Like maybe a more open mind towards people that are different than you? I don't mean to be... well, mean. I am just really disturbed by this!

I am overweight, and not by my own choice. I get the stereotypes all the time. Even my own nieces and nephews have told me that I shouldn't eat pizza before because I am too fat, and that I should exercise and maybe I would be skinny like them. I didn't gain weight because I am lazy or because I let myself go. I gained weight because I abandoned the habits and behaviors that I was participating in while I WAS letting myself go. I used to do meth... quitting took more willpower and self respect than I ever had before and caused more personal growth than any other experience in my life ever did. Because of that, I have gained more self esteem than I have ever had. I am comfortable with who I am and self confidence is part of who I am now. So, to hear that someone who claims to be on a path of personal development wouldn't hang out with me because I weigh too much hurts my feelings. I really hope you mean your last paragraph, but just because someone is overweight doesn't mean that they aren't healthy or motivated. I an very active, I eat healthy (more healthy than MOST people believe me, maybe even you), and I am a motivated person. Before you tell me that most people aren't like me, I am a special case, etc... by deciding that you don't want to be friends with people if they are overweight before you even get to know them, you are excluding the "special cases" just like me automatically anyway, so what difference does it make if I am in the minority or majority?

[DQueens]

all these things you suggested; gain 30 pounds, shower less frequently, watch tv instead of going to the gym... all you need to do is add "make you leave the house to get chicken and ice cream at 4 am" or "ask you to her hold her hair back every morning while she's puking in the toilet" and you've pretty much summed up what happens to your girl when she's pregnant. That said, if it's a long-term relationship with prospects of going somewhere, i hope that the guy involved is more emotionally attached than to be pushed away by some stupid superficial changes. otherwise, there will certainly be problems down the road.

[hackinghost]

I agree with Brien...

It's not that she has to work out and look extremely hot or something, but just enough so that I can tell she cares for herself...It's like people who can't stand people who smoke as a partner, well I smoke and think it would be hypocrite to say so but I do understand why that would make a good reason.

[magi13]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

This came up in another thread, and it got me thinking. Guys, what would you think, feel, and do if your girlfriend "let herself go," so to speak? Gained 30 lbs, showered less frequently, started watching Netflix instead of going to the gym?

Ladies, feel free to chip in, too, of course!

I've had this conversation with my bf before, and his response was pretty interesting. (He didn't answer the question.) I'm not asking for advice, because my boyfriend is too awesome to dump somebody over something so superficial. But it did make me realize that it's important in a relationship, and I was interested to find out to what extent you think that's so, specifically by making you answer the age-old question: What would you do? What would you do?

Speaking for myself, I find that taking care of your body is attractive not only because it improves your physical appearance, but also because it improves your self-confidence, and your pride in your appearance. The latter actually makes more of an impression on me than the former (unless you just happen to be totally frickin' hot, in which case you probably know it, which in turn would increase your confidence, and thus attractiveness, exponentially). So what would I do if my boyfriend let himself go? Well, it depends, because the physical aspect of letting oneself go goes hand in hand with losing your pride. If it looked like his slump was becoming a permanent part of his personality, I'd have a tough decision to make, simply because it's important to me to have a well-adjusted and happy partner (understanding, of course, that people go through temporary slumps all the time). Him regaining confidence and pride would just happen to also improve his physical appearance, so we'd both win, all the way around!

^^ it's best to take care of your body, not just for your bf/gf but for overall performance in everything you do.

[Bubblewrapman]

I'd tell her to get buff and hot again or I'm not going to be able to keep up a sexual relationship with her. I'd help her to care about her body again. If she didn't care about her body, that'd turn me right off. She has to care about her health or it's for me to move on. I'm worth more than that. If she drops her standards, I don't drop mine.

[Amandaaa]

started watching Netflix instead of going to the gym?

^ *takes out My Best Friend's Girl, and puts in Pilates for Dummies*

[carnelian heart]

Originally Posted by John Wesley

I'd be pissed. I would ask her what is wrong and why she lost all motivation. I would tell her I don't find her as attractive as I used to and that she should start working out again. And if she refused to do anything about it I would probably break up with her.

Call me superficial if you'd like, but gaining 30 lbs. is a sign of sloth and depression. I would try and help her if I could, but if she is happy that way doesn't want to make an effort, I would have to do something about it. One of the reasons you start dating a person is physical attraction, if that changes, so does the relationship. It would be stupid to stay with someone who doesn't care about making you happy and is holding you back.

Hey dude, when I was 127, I was so depressed. (I'm 5'10") Now I'm 147 and so very happy. Sometimes small weight means someone feels terrible and nothing is right with the world. Granted, 20 lbs is not 30, but don't be so harsh. My bf loves me, that is what is important.


Also, if a woman is really tall, 30 lbs is almost unnoticable. I look fantastic, by the way.

[lisamelinda]

this is a tough call. i honestly don't know what i would do, but generally i agree that if you look after yourself, you expect your partner to look after themselves. the thing i don't understand is why looks/weight are more important to men? i think it's the same for both sides. looks are always important, and everyone wants an attractive partner. but if you love someone, it should probably be in spite of weight, etc.

[Casual]

30 lbs is a lot. Unless it was a medical issue, it would definitely be something that I cared about. You can't be complacent in a relationship, and "let yourself go" just because you're in a relationship or have some piece of paper that says you're married. You should always strive to be attractive to your partner, never taking their love for granted, and part of that involves staying in shape (as much as possible) and looking after your personal hygeine.

[polyfulcrum]

Physical attractiveness is more multi-faceted for me than just a function of weight. All of my partners, as well as myself, are a bit "fluffy", but we are also all physically active people with good hygiene and take an interest in buffing off the rough edges regularly.

I'd be much more concerned about a partner who stopped being social, stopped learning, quit working on their communication skills or wasn't being engaged in parenting or professional interests.

Personally, I've fluctuated in weight by over 100 pounds during the 15 years my hubby and I have been together, due largely to hormonal birth control. Ironically, getting pregnant reset things, and I'm much closer to a heathy weight following the birth of our child seven years ago. If he'd been harsh on me about it, it wouldn't have been helpful.

[Eduardo César]

Originally Posted by hackinghost

It's like people who can't stand people who smoke as a partner, well I smoke and think it would be hypocrite to say so but I do understand why that would make a good reason.

Really, its tough when your partner smoke and you do not. I can't stand someone smoking near me, let alone kissing, lol...

[funchy]

Accept it. With maturity comes the realization that ALL of us will change over time: a little extra weight, a little less fit, a change of style, signs of aging, etc.

One thing you might want to explore is if this is a symptom of a bigger problem. Could she be suffering from depression? Would giving her an ultimatum help her over the depression ... I don't think so. If you care about her, you'd work through it with her with compassion and love.

If a little weight change bothers you terribly, it's a sign the relationship was shallow to begin with. She deserves better than someone who can no longer love her if she changes appearance.

[neomonk]

If my girl gained 30 pounds she better be 8 months pregnant.

But it's hard to be with someone who disrespects their self in such a way. Its on her if that’s the way she wants to live but its also my choice to choose to move on.

If their were some physical or psychological reasons for it we would take action long before she added another 30% weight to herself.

[Apollo]

Well from the original post one would assume the hypothetical girlfriend was attending the gym and had a good measure of self respect when you met her, therefore I would say its a deal breaker because she is no longer the person you were attacted to.

I mean maybe if she had broken both legs and had to watch daytime tv for 6 months and gained some poundage for example I might be more forgiving but otherwise it would be ending shortly!

[Red1221]

I was told by my boyfriend just last night that he thinks he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. This after only 2 and a half years of being together!!! He is 28 and I am 32!!!
Our sex life has diminished over the last year - with our last sexual encounter being in May!!!
I am not overweight by any means - if anything, I am underweight. He is the one who has gained weight over the last year. I ask myself whether his lack of sex drive and sexual attractiveness to me is seriously about me or him!!!

How could I ever know. I do not want to shift the blame by any means but I know he is feeling horrible about the way he looks. Perhaps due to this his sexual drive dissappeared. If its me, then so be it. But how do we gain control of this aspect of our relationship?
Please advise.